I have always been a bad communicator in terms of asking for what I want and what I prefer. On the rare occasions that I did that, it was because the other person made it abundantly clear they wanted me. I find it hard to ask for exclusivity without feeling paranoid about how much the other person actually likes me. I find it hard to ask for more communication / to see the other person more without thinking I’m smoothing them (since I feel like if they like me enough, they should naturally want to see me and talk to me more. To me it seems counterintuitive to ask for those things).
I wish I could be more upfront and just tell the other person I really like them and if we could do xyz and be xyz. Even if I’m completely happy being alone, I always feel more alone and unwanted when I date someone, since I’m constantly worried about the outcome. I’m worried they don’t ask me to be exclusive because they don’t actually like me that much. I’m worried I’ll be led on.
Why do these things come so naturally for some people? How do I just not give a fuck and ask for what I want?
I’m a girl in my 30s if that even makes a difference. I really should be better at this at my age.
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>Why do these things come so naturally for some people? How do I just not give a fuck and ask for what I want?
I’m pretty assertive, but it came to me in my mid teens.
I used to be very shy and had a “cute” demeanor. It attracted pushy, needy, clingy, demanding people in general and in particular, creepy men who didn’t respect boundaries.
Being surrounded by people who didn’t respect me unless I was assertive taught me that I had to stand up for myself and learn how to draw boundaries.
I also realized that if I want something in life, I need to advocate for myself and my needs. You can’t rely on others to do it for you.
Value yourself and your own time. If you’re waiting around, letting the other person control the dynamic, not getting what you need, you’re only hurting yourself. Life is short, don’t waste it on people who can’t or won’t meet your needs.
> I’m worried they don’t ask me to be exclusive because they don’t actually like me that much. I’m worried I’ll be led on.
You’re going to get led on if you don’t ask for what you want. Sure, some people may lie to you to keep you around but the vast majority won’t. However, if they think the status quo is working for you, why would they change anything?
I ask for what I want. Where do you get the idea it’s “easy”? It’s often not easy at all.
I do it anyway, because if I can’t ask for something…then I can’t really claim I want it. I can’t read anybody’s mind…so how can it be reasonable for me to expect someone to read mine?
What, for you, is the downside of asking?
We all have different strengths and different confidence levels, but if you’re struggling this much then I suggest working on this in therapy. In the meantime, a small first step of assertiveness is to start calling yourself a woman (adult), not a girl (child.) Wishing you well OP!
Guy on his 30s who feels similarly. It’s normal even if it’s not ideal. Hang in there
What seems to come naturally is only something that has been practiced to that point to look natural.
Most started young enough to already not give a fuck so it was easier for them. Then the punishment for going over the line was less severe.
If you want to be more forward or assertive you have to start looking for opportunities to be. Start emulating the behaviour you want to see in yourself. It’s always going to be hardest at first but the more you adjust to it the easier it gets. You’re going to make mistakes and cross lines so remain humble about your mistakes, if you truely believe them to be mistakes. So start speaking your mind more and worry less about being considerate about this.
This may seem counterintuitive but that’s only from your perspective. Common sense ain’t so common afterall. You want something to change in yourself and get the things you want? Stop wishing for it and start working at it. Read help books, learn from assertive people, don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and speak your mind more.
This is stuff that I am just learning in my early 30s too. Applies to both sexes.
You make a lot of assumptions about “the other person” here.
If you don’t start communicating what you need you’ll never get it. Better for them to show you they can’t show up for you in the way you want now than in a few years.
Also, no one can read minds.
Also, forget this “if they wanted to they would” bullshit. It’s just going to end up in disappointment.
I’ve always figured that if I’m just nice enough my partner will intuit what I want and make it happen
Fixing my self-esteem and confidence helped me with this. Also, you have nothing to lose: You’re unhappy not asking for what you want, and if they leave afterwards you’ll be unhappy, but perhaps settled internally because you know where you stand. Becoming an unapologetic direct communicator was the best thing I ever did. That’s not to say that I’m ever rude, I’m very good at politely communicating my wants and needs. I don’t want anyone sticking around who can’t give me that.
Yea I had to learn this myself. Look up “covert contracts” . Living like this ends in resentment and feelings of not being cared for/loved. A great line I like is “assume your partner is an idiot”. Assume they have no idea what you want or that you are hinting for it. Said in a not blame way, like, hey I noticed we don’t see each other as much as I would like to, would you be whiling to see me say once or twice more a week. That’s not confrontational and gives them the opportunity to explain or realise what they need to do. 90% of the time you will get a positive reaction and they will think higher of you for asking.
Good luck it’s not easy!
Sounds like you have some fearful-avoidant attachment traits.
You’re describing codependency. Read the book ‘Codependent No More’ by Beatie
You can work on it