I (24f) lied to my partner (28m) about what my parents do and their “wealth”, how do I tell him?

25 comments

1. I wouldn’t worry too much about it. You probably should have prepared a response to “what do your parents do” far in advance that wasn’t a lie but also didn’t give details but it’s pretty unlikely that he’ll be angry to find out that your family is somewhat more affluent than he thought.

2. “I told you a lie about my parents because I wanted to protect their privacy.”

   Done. Something like this should be understandable with all of the scamming and privacy issues going on in today’s world. These details weren’t relevant then like they are now.

3. When he asked what your parents do for a living? What exactly did you say about them to him?

4. Use this as a learning experience.

   There are ways to answer that question without lying. But I know that sometimes doing this on the fly isn’t possible.

   Now how to tell him- I’d usually say be honest. But that is basically saying that your parents think he’s a gold digger without meeting him!
   Just say your parents are quite private about their business and you made a bad judgement about lying. He probably won’t care that they are business owners and not a (whatever you said they were!)

5. It depends on what kind of a lie you told. If it was a flat out lie, “they do X,” that’s different than a lie by omission. But, you still don’t have to mention the “wealth,” – although you can mention what they do. Certainly your parents earnings aren’t something that you would normally bring up early in a relationship unless you were trying to impress someone, and one wouldn’t normally ask about a partner’s parents’ earnings early either, or it sounds like money grubbing.

   I would be honest, and tell him that your parents prefer their privacy about financial matters, and as you were only dating, you didn’t feel it was your place to share the information.

6. You know you can answer that without lying and without telling how rich your parents are, right? Like oh they’re property managers or they work in whatever industry the business is. You don’t have to mention that they’re managing their own property portfolio or that they own the business they work for.

   That said I’d probably just tell the truth. That your parents suggested not discussing what they do based on behavior of a past relationship and you followed it, but that you now realize that wasn’t the smartest thing to do.

7. Look I dont think owning multiple houses is “down to earth”. Stop lying to yourself as well.

8. Be upfront and say, you lied on the advice of your father, not specific to your boyfriend, but because of bad experience and a desire to protect yourselves.

   I would personally be upset _at first_ but once I thought about it and realised it wasn’t actually about me, I would understand and appreciate you told me the truth as soon as you could.

9. I wouldn’t worry about it honestly, he’s dating you, not your parents so it’s really not relevant. Now if the relationship progresses towards marriage, then you can disclose further but it’s really none of his business what your parents do for a living.

10. There’s a difference between honesty and disclosure. You can withhold information without *lying* about it, especially in the early stages of getting-to-know-you/not-in-a-relationship-yet. If it were a matter of values or serious life choices that directly impact him (e.g., you have children or you’re a convicted felon), then I’d argue that he had a right to know from the get go. But your parents’ employment and finances don’t impact him at all. And your finances only impact him when and if *you* decide they should.

    If you blatantly lied to him versus choosing not to disclose detail to him, that’s a tougher pill to swallow. But hopefully he can understand why you’d be reluctant to share this information based on past experience.

11. This is probably one of the very few lies I’d accept from a gf. She was showing loyalty to her family and protecting herself. Nothing wrong with either drive.

12. There’s a fairly easy way around this. We own a business, and we just tell people that we’re small business owners. People assume that means that we have a modest income.

    We live in a smallish house in a middle-class neighborhood and just sort of “blend in” because we both grew up poor and middle class is enough of a difference for us; I don’t think either of us would know how to handle ourselves around the rich lol.

    We’re not filthy rich, but after only a few years we’re set to retire (if we wanted) in our early forties and are setting things aside for our kids now. We’re very comfortable, and our children will be as well, which sounds about the same as your situation.

    “Small business owners” isn’t a lie, and generally people don’t assume you have money because of it.

13. It’s hard to give advice without knowing exactly what you told him.

14. You just have to say that they like their privacy and a general idea of what they do. “My parents are in construction.” Any further questions “you’ll have to ask them when you meet them, they are really private people.”

15. I’m weirded out by you lying to us even and saying your parents aren’t typically wealthy.

    bruh yall definitely sound very wealthy with multiple homes (most people cant even get one..) no reason to fib lolol

16. I mean how far off was this lie? Like did you say your parents are bakers but really they manufacture steel sheeting? Im confused. It also comes off weird honestly. Like you’re trying to hide that you’re jeff bezos hidden daughter or a saudi princess, but really your family has a beach house and a Vermont cottage and they run a regular business. Having some money and being in higher middle class or whatever category you feel your family is in isn’t a shocker. Lots of people are in the same boat – unless you’re feeling like you are dealing with impoverished people? Personally id laugh because this seems silly if a guy did this to me. But as other posters have said you owe no obligation to be telling anyone anything. Unless your lie is just straight up BS like my above example I wouldn’t worry at all.

17. Normally I say that the right time to tell someone you’re rich or otherwise discuss finances is after you’re engaged but before you’re married.

    If you don’t plan to get married, but still think this is your “forever” guy, then I guess the time is now. Start the conversation along the lines of “We’ve gotten pretty serious, do you think we’re together for the long haul?” If the answer is yes, then “I think I should let you know about my family and finances”.

    Also, watch _Coming to America_ with him. It’s a great movie.

    One question though: if they asked you to protect their privacy, has that changed?

18. You know you can *both* tell the truth and also not disclose personal information right? People are not entitled to know *everything*.

    As an example: if he asks “what do yo ur parents do? And you say “my moms a teacher and my dad is an accountant” then that is a direct lie which you will later have to fully admit that you made up random jobs for them. However, if you said “my parents work at a property management company” then you are telling the truth. You are telling them all of the information that they are entitled to know at that stage of your relationship. As things progress you can mention that they *own* the property management company that they work for down the line. And later on still you can mention that they also own all of the properties that the company manages. You never need to lie in order to protect your privacy, you just need to be careful what you do/don’t disclose.

    As for this situation, the fact that you put “lied” in quotes makes me wonder if you actually lied, or just withheld details. If it’s the latter then there is no “truth” to reveal, just tell him the rest of the story. If it’s the former then tell him “hey, I have something to tell you. Remember when I said my parents did x? That’s not really true, I didn’t know you well yet, so I didn’t want to tell you what they actually do. In the past I had a bf who tried to use me for my parents $, which I guess messed me up more than I realized. Anyway, they do y for work. I hope you can forgive me for lying, and also understand that even though it was wrong to lie, I didn’t think it was necessary for you to know my financial situation at that stage of our relationship either.” (Obviously use your own words)

19. >My family is not typically wealthy, but really down to earth people. They have a good running family business and multiple houses.

    To help you out here: this is typically wealthy. Successful family business and a good amount of real estate is how most people who are moderately wealthy are wealthy.

20. Unless actual dollar values are discussed why is it necessary to lie? “What do your parents do?” They have their own business selling widgets, or whatever. No need to mention properties owned or value of such or that you and your siblings are set for life. That being said, I don’t think it’s that big a deal. If he gets all upset because you were protecting your parents privacy at their request, that’s a him problem.

21. “my family’s not wealthy” owns multiple homes and a business in an economy that is seeing historically high rates of homelessness.

    Sure jan

22. When I married my husband we lived in an apartment that we rented from his parents. They lived modestly in the apartment above ours and we spent a lot of time with them for years. His parents never gave the appearance of wealth. In fact, his dad didn’t like to spend money if he didn’t have to. Our running joke was that whenever he had to fix a plumbing problem his reaction was to chew a piece of gum really good before sticking it in the crack to fix it. He didn’t have a high school diploma and his wife didn’t pass middle school. When they passed away though, they were able to leave all five of their children a fully paid multi family, rental property. The property that my husband was given was valued at just under 1million dollars. I tell this story to point out that my husband didn’t owe me this information. This wouldn’t have mattered to me because it’s not as if this was money I was entitled to. This was his parents’ business and none of mine. It just happened to be a nice little (ok maybe not so little) surprise later on in our marriage. That’s all it really should be. Your parents’ wealth is not your wealth so it’s none of your partners’ business even if you married them. Only a gold digger would care about things like this.

23. is this………… stacey from love is blind

24. I don’t understand why you have to talk about your parents’ net worth to someone who is dating?

    You just say they have a business and that’s it. Nobody is expecting you to tell them how much money your parents have. You are 24 and don’t live with them nor work for them.

    You can just say they have their own business and that’s it. You are also their kid and shouldn’t even know much about their business given that you don’t work there, you are not looking at their profit margins or anything.

25. So insane to me how rich people don’t think they are rich. Do you think teachers and garbage men have multiple properties?