I’m in my 30s and grew up in a hoarding family who didn’t know how to clean and organize properly so I don’t have the best habits. I’ve been trying to work on it for years and try to declutter and organize but I have a really hard time and my space is always quite messy with things laying all around on the floor, dishes piled in the sink and on the counters, stovetops and counters dirty with crumbs and spills, etc. I’ll live through this mess most of the time and then finally clean up either when I have people coming over or when I get that motivation and time – meaning throw everything in closets or like move stuff around so it’s more organized and out of the main areas – but it inevitably becomes a mess again like a day or 2 later. I know as teens we might be messy like this but is it normal for a woman in her 30s to be messy? Is anyone else like this beyond 30 years old? I just want to know if I’m a weirdo and alone in this or not.
I worry that no man will ever want to be with me because I’m messy. Sometimes I feel like I’m super lazy when it comes to household chores and cleaning and even cooking (although I’ve gotten better). I know I have so many other great things going on for me like good career, finances, personality, looks, etc. but this is a big insecurity that I have when I’m dating where I’m afraid that when people get to know me, this will be a problem and they won’t want to be with me in the long term. I guess I feel like maybe I don’t fit the ideal image of someone who is wifey material.
Anyone have experience or thoughts to share from a personal, dating or relationship perspective?
29 comments
You’re definitely not alone.
A lot of people who struggle with this.
The best advice is to find a system that works for you. Find an organizational system that you will use and it may take trial and error.
Some people use the “I have people coming over” as a reason to clean, and that’s okay too. Whatever gives you motivation.
Some people like to plan a day or time where they dedicate to cleaning up. If you’re a fan of lists, write out everything you need to do in smaller tasks.
Example: instead of “Clean Kitchen,” break it down to
-take out trash
-wipe down counter
-clean stove top
-wash dishes/load dishwasher
-sweep floor
That way, you can focus on the individual parts rather than being overwhelmed about where to start.
Put on some music while you clean. That way, you feel like time is actually moving. Ask a friend for help or if you’re able to hire a cleaner or a coach who can help get you on the right path.
You shouldn’t clean your space for a man. You should clean your space for yourself. Your space is a reflection of your mental state and feelings towards yourself. So if you take the time (no matter how much time), you’re doing something to take care of yourself, and that’s all that matters.
Nah it’s not uncommon. But it’s a habit which can be unlearned. I’m trying to do it rn. And I’m not a woman.
I wouldn’t be able to date a man like this. Curious, do you have adhd ?
42f here.
Stop beating yourself up.
Depending on your finances, save up and get the following: an organizer, housekeeper.
Hear me out.
I hired an organizer to help me organize one room. She came and went through everything in the room with me (I had to decide to keep the item, throw it away or donate). Then she organized what was left for me. It was amazing and it actually got done and now I just maintain it.
I hired a housekeeper to clean my home twice a month. Then all I did was maintain it the rest of the time. Which was now easier for me.
We as woman need to move away from having to get it all done ourselves, we can get help on the things we don’t want to do or we don’t know how to do. People will judge you but your house is clean and you are free to do the things you like.
Also, don’t tell a man you got the help. I’ve found that some men have been turned off by me not doing it myself. (Those men were not for me)
I’m actually the exact opposite of you. I’m extremely neat and organized, and my place is always clean. I have dated men who I’m pretty sure saw this as a reason not to date me because we were too incompatible in that area.
My point is that there are definitely men who would see it as a plus because they know you wouldn’t judge them and would be comfortable living similarly to how they live. There’s somebody for everybody. What I wouldn’t do, however, is try to hide it or pretend to be some way you’re not.
Alternatively, if it’s something you want to work on, there are some things you can do. If you can afford it, consider hiring a professional organizer and a cleaning service. If you want to do it yourself, I recommend the book How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis. It’s geared toward folks who struggle with the basics and is a really good place to start.
This sounds like ADHD. K.C. Davis makes a lot of content to help people with ADHD, depression, and other conditions that affect your ability to clean or complete care tasks. An important thing to learn is that it does not affect your worth. It may be a reason you and someone else are incompatible, but it does not affect your worth.
This is something you can work on it’s not hard to tidy and if you don’t like doing it you can get a cleaner if you have a good job once a week they can come in and clean for you. It depends on the person some us will bother some it won’t … it’s not nice to be unclean being messy isn’t so bad but being clean is important …. If you have stuff laying around how can you be clean this will be an issue so you need to maybe call on some help. Lots of people have cleaners
I thinks it’s normal to be a little messy sometimes. Since you are acknowledging it, just do something to work on being cleaner.
I grew up in a messy house, but it resulted in me being super anal about anyone messing up my space, so I frequently look like a weirdo getting up from sitting comfortably to pick up a chip bag or milk glass my girlfriend just emptied and hasn’t had time to take care of herself. I can’t sleep if my apartment isn’t clean or there are dishes in the sink. Sometimes, I think I’d be better off if I embraced the mess a little more.
If you have clutter trash it …. but when it comes to cleaning make it a habit to clean as you go or wash your plates after eating so that it doesn’t build up on you
So many woman are like this I think it is very common. I told my ex at one point that she would have to start cleaning up after herself when she came over because her visits would make a lot of work for me, I’d basically have to clean my whole place all over again after her visits.
I am not a neat freak but I like to keep things tidy (and will clean every couple of weeks). But clutter makes my mind feel chaotic and I can’t stand it. My ex who lived with me for a year before we broke up did not care about clutter at all. He left his shit everywhere. There was often a trail from when he walked in the door to wherever he landed. This became a problem for me. I tried adjusting my expectations. I tried letting him know how it felt to live that way. Ultimately, he thought I was acting like a parent when I asked him to pick up his trail of clothes or do his dishes. It was a problem for us as a couple.
So…I guess my point is that there will be people out there who can’t live with your clutter no matter how hard they try to make it work. But you could also come to resent them for trying to change you.
I hope you can find a balance for yourself between the two.
IMO this is a discipline issue. The best way to address this is to get a routine. Cook everyday dishes are a part of cooking and eating. Not a separate event so them immediately and everyday it will keep them under control. Get a chore chart for yourself small chores everyday big chores on days off. Having a consistent work schedule would help if you don’t have one. Most employers will cater to that request.
Cleaning is the worst sometimes. Everything just gets messy and more stuff you get the worst it gets usually
This is the reason men are never allowed to come to my house. I’m self conscious about it and is a burden I feel a lot, but with ADHD and zero idea how to declutter it’s a constant struggle. I’m good at pretty much everything else that I set my mind to, but physical organization is just not something I mentally grasp well so you’re definitely not alone.
Men’s houses are usually grosser than mine though, so that helps sometimes lol
As a man in his 30s who functions and is better suited for chaos, some of everything, everywhere, I long for a person who can see through the useful things all over. I for one appreciate a clean sink and bathroom. Any flat space is fair game for things to sit on.
Growing up in a hoard can set your adult brain to think “what’s the point?”
Speaking from a similar experience, my mom is a hoarder, and when I got out I swore I would never live like that. I’m not obsessive about germs or anything. But, I feel uneasy if people come over and there are dishes in the sink, or there is clutter on the table. It has made living with partners difficult because organization is important to me. But, we adjust.
It really seems like it’s something you might want to change, but I would recommend changing it for you, and not for any potential man that comes along in the future. Doing it for you is more important and will help cement any new habits you develop. I had a relationship for years with a woman who lived similarly to what you’re describing. I didn’t love her any less because of it. It drove me nuts simply because of who I am and her staunch refusal to let me organize anything, but not because I am a man looking at a “slovenly” woman.
Trust me when I say, any man who truly cares about you, is going to balance you out, and you will do the same for him.
I was dating someone that had a messy apartment, and I’m very tidy and neat person. I didn’t mind the messy apartment at all (although, she did warned me after she saw my apartment). I actually helped her clean a bit lol
So I deal with ADHD and have a mother who hoards.
The biggest point of concern for me is the kitchen. If all else fails, that space should be clean.
Some things that help me are reducing barriers to cleaning. With dishes, that was sensory sensitivities. So I got one of those scrub handles that you can fill with soap, and some heavy dish gloves. When you finish a meal? Quickly handwash those dishes.
Cooking? I’ll do a big pot of chili, soup, spaghetti, etc. And then put it in Pyrex containers, freeze some of it, etc. Soak the cookware while you eat, and then wash it after it’s soaked.
Keep a spray bottle of 70/30 rubbing alcohol/water solution in the kitchen. It makes cleanup a snap. Also, a decent, inexpensive, cordless hand vacuum can be good for crumbs.
Outside the kitchen, shelves. On wheels. Things on wheels make cleaning simpler. Keep small wastebasket in each room you sound time in so garbage goes there rather than cluttering a surface.
And if you start to slip? Don’t beat yourself up! It happens. Just gotta pick yourself up and do it again. It’s like dieting. I try and eat healthier. Sometimes I have a miserable week and kill a pizza and a pint of Chunky Monkey, and as ling as its not every week… that’s okay! Wvery week is a new week.
It’s “normal” as in common, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I have ADHD and was raised by parents who never taught me how to clean/who didn’t prioritize cleanliness in our home. It’s taken a marriage crisis and a lot of coaching/work to recognize my patterns, identify their triggers, and begin building better systems with which to organize my life. Medication was also a must for me.
Mess blindness is hard to deal with, and if you struggle with avoidance patterns (you naturally avoid yet ruminate on things that stress you out) this can get out of control very quickly.
Remember that the “mess” is actually a lot of small pieces that your brain is sticking into a single scary, nebulous mass. All you need to do is pick up one pair of pants, put away the stuff on one table, wash three dishes, etc — that is progress, and it will help. It’s never a matter of “just clean up” for people with this issue: you have to learn a lot of new skills and that takes time. You have to learn new ways of organizing your space — like putting a set of cleaning supplies in every room, having visible containers in each area, getting rid of anything that’s a duplicate (why did I own three cheese graters???), setting up reminders/cues, etc. It’s lots of trial and error, but it can actually be fun to test and experiment!
It becomes an adventure (instead of a source of dread) when you learn to identify the start of the anxiety/shame cycle and challenge it. “I am feeling overwhelmed right now, and I am feeling ashamed of how many dishes are in my sink. I am ashamed/embarrassed about the clutter on my floor, the smell in my kitchen…” You get the idea. Then you need to pause and think about those feelings. “It’s okay for me to feel overwhelmed. I am working on my skillset, and that is all that matters. I am going to wash three dishes right now/look through this one pile of papers and decide what to throw out/fold just my pants for now. I am then going to allow myself to be proud of that small act.”
Inertia is a natural response to stress. When we feel overwhelmed, we lose the ability to narrow things down and naturally, we try to “look away” or avoid the trigger in some way (even being mean to yourself is a form of avoidance, in many cases). Breaking the “mess” down into an itemized list of things/tasks can be a big help.
Again, OP, you don’t need to feel ashamed or embarrassed! This is just part of life, and you are clearly determined to improve and can do so for both yourself AND any future partner. It’s a “one day at a time” thing, so take it step by step and identify the reasons YOU want a cleaner space. Youtube, Kindle books, and subreddits are your friends. Breathe, divide, and conquer — you’ve got this!
Im 32 and Im the same way! It took me until recently to realize its not because Im a nasty, dirty woman but it’s because of depression plus just being overwhelmed at all repetetive, mundane everything that has to be done. I don’t know if maybe you have a similar reason for being like this. But I will be discussing my concerns with a therapist who could maybe help me get to the underlying issue and hopefully get better. Good luck to you!
This is the website that I’ve directed all of my neuro-spicy friends to, to help break down tasks and chores, so that they can alleviate any anxiety they have about themselves.
https://goblin.tools/
I keep a “to donate” pile by the door. I also grew up with hoarding/depressed parents. I think that a lot stems from uncertainty and “maybe I will need this.” I have to be more cautious. If it’s broken? Garbage? If it’s too small/big? Donate. If it takes up too much space? Donate.
For cleaning, I try to keep all surfaces clean. I have open nice boxes, like cloth and wooden storage containers that are pretty and I can throw things in.
I have ADHD, and extra motivation doesn’t come easy, so yes, a dopamine pumping music playlist helps. Or an impending guest.
I had my ex just as you described you kind of are, but that never stopped me from caring or moving in with her although I am at the opposite pole but not super tidy. The fact that you are chaotic might upset someone who you live with but like all things in a relationship I guess, it needs to be worked as a couple and I believe no matter how chaotic you are if he cares for you it will not weigh so much.
Becoming a minimalist might be something you need to consider… Hoarding is a mental disease and I believe also needs to be considered since mental illnesses can be hereditary. Never be afraid to start your journey to a happier healthier life no matter what age you are.
Messy isn’t an issue, dirty is an issue.
I’m in my mid 40’s and and can’t keep a house clean to save my life. I have 5 kids, with 2 left at home. My husband is just as bad. We get things “clean enough” with lists and are always trying to put routines into effect. I was honest with my 2nd husband from the start (i married my first at 16 so I had no clue how sucky of a domestic wife I was going to be) … I told my 2nd husband I will struggle to keep a clean house, but I make up for it in the bedroom. The few times in the 10 years he has mentioned something about me not cleaning or being organized I remind him of the conversation and he always agrees I was honest and have stood by comment.
As a guy, I consider myself average cleanliness (5/10, but working on moving that up). If someone dropped by unannounced there would probably be some clutter and a couple spots that could be cleaned, but nothing that would be slobsville or gross anyone out.
The women I’ve dated, most I’d say were cleaner and more organized than myself. I can only think of two who were worse and it was pretty bad. Toilets that hadn’t been cleaned in months, drains full of hair, pretty gross. Honestly that was a major turn off for me in those two relationships.
On the flip side, I dated a woman who kept a very clean home, particularly she hated clutter. Everything item in her home, had a “home”. I’d stay over there for sometimes a couple weeks and it was a very calming for me, being in a very organized and clean space. We eventually broke up, but I realized how nice it is being in that type of space and really has motivated me to de-clutter my place and keep up with cleaning a bit more.
The key thing I have found is having a place for everything and being careful about bringing things into my home that there is a place to store it or be willing to get rid of something else to let this new item take it’s place.
Also, if you can afford it, hire a cleaner. I don’t care by what method someone’s place gets clean, just it is nice if they make that a priority to some degree.
It will literally take your breath away when you realise how much better every facet of life feels when your space is tidy. Not just dating