this isn’t a super huge deal but it’s been affecting me bad lately. I (F17) have been dating my (M17) bf for almost 2 years now. it’s been like a roller coaster, high highs and low lows but overall manageable. this issue has been bothering me since maybe november of last year. i’ve been telling him i feel bad because we don’t see each other a lot and he’s distant and sometimes he’ll promise we’d spend more time with me and he would for like a week but then then it’d go back to being distant and i’d talk to him and he’d pretty much say i was doing too much and i should stop trying control him. so basically he’s very inconsistent and it’s killing me. yesterday we got into a heated argument because he had been spending like everyday with his friends and i felt bad because i asked him many times to see me and he said no. he told me it was his life and i should leave him alone and he implied several times he preferred his friends. so i’ve been really down especially because since we argued he’s seen his friends twice and he hasn’t even tried to idk see me in person and talked things out? he’s my best friend and the only person i hangout with so it cut me deep. he tells me we are young and he just wants to have fun but he also tells me that our relationship is serious. if we weren’t that serious i wouldn’t feel the need to “nag” him. it hurts more because i’ve been there way longer than his friends have and he said we only used to hangout a lot because he didn’t have anyone else. so i feel replaced almost. he says he’s the best bf he can be but why can’t he just compromise and ask me out more? he is super caring and super sweet at times so it’s hard to just up and leave him. we see each other once a week and i usually have to ask and ask over and over again, it’s rare that he asks me to do things with him. what do i do? my friends say he’s an ass and i should leave him but it just doesn’t feel that black and white i feel like maybe i’m just too insecure? he tells me i should be grateful i even see him at all and that he’s good to me and doesn’t cheat. that feels really wrong to me but i can’t explain why. if i cry he exclaims that im “such a fucking woman.”
i feel stupid
2 comments
I’m 17, I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for over 3 years now.
In the beginning I will admit my relationship was kind of like this. I was sick of the inconsistency, sick of not feeling wanted, sick of not texting/hanging out, and he was my best friend. Over time I had fights with him about it and he would tell me “this is just how I am”. My friends constantly told me that he didn’t value me and we should break up.
I tried breaking up with him many times after that and somewhere along the way, I think he got the memo and changed. Our relationship is very happy now, I think tbh he wasn’t ready for a relationship at first but it got better with time.
Your friends can’t tell you what to do or what to tolerate, and nowadays I get that most girl friends will always just tell you to break up. As someone who’s been on the receiving end of that multiple times but actually made it work I can tell you if you really love this guy you can do it: but you need to let him know that if you continue on like this he will lose you, and he needs to actually start valuing you.
You’re not a nag, you aren’t being “such a woman,” you aren’t controlling, you aren’t lucky he hangs out with you at all. Wanting to see your boyfriend of 2 years more than once a week is perfectly normal.
I can see why your friends are telling you to just leave him.
One thing he’s right about is that you guys are young. Sounds like he almost wants to be single and just keeps you around to chill with when his friends aren’t available, and if you guys are having sex, then that too.
Do you really want to be in a “serious” relationship with someone who thinks you’re lucky they spend one day a week with you? Who calls you sexist stereotypes and down plays your feelings?
It’s normal for relationships to have ups and downs, but it is not normal to think your partner should feel lucky they even hang out with you at all. It is not normal for your partner to tell you you’re acting like some sexist stereotype. There’s lots of boys out there that would be happy to spend more than one day a week with you and wouldn’t say you’re being a controlling nag such a woman for wanting to spend time together.
If you aren’t going to break up with him, which I think you should because he sounds like a bit of a dick, then stop making yourself so available. Hang out with your friends. He pretty much told you he prefers his friends to you, and that the only reason he ever spent time with you before is because he didn’t have anyone else.
You are treating him like a priority while he is treating you like an option.
Either break up with him, or quit treating him like a priority because you clearly are not a priority to him. There are no magic words you can say to him to make him want to treat you like a priority. Like he said, he’s young and wants to have fun.
Frankly, at 17, it’s pretty normal for relationships to not be a priority. Just because you’ve been together for two years doesn’t mean it’s a serious relationship. In a serious relationship you treat your partner as a priority. But that doesn’t mean you’re wrong for feeling hurt. Based off what you’ve described, I think your friends are right. More than likely you guys are not going to spend the rest of your lives together. Pull the bandaid off now and be young and have fun, imo.
But again if you’re not willing to break up, then it’s on you to change the dynamic of him treating you like an option while you treat him like a priority. There’s nothing you can say or do that will make him treat you like you want. This is who he is right now. He told you he he’s young and wants to have fun. He’s implied he likes his friends better than you (ouch!).
There’s nothing wrong with you. You aren’t stupid for being upset. But you need to realize that you are not a priority to him and you are only going to get hurt by treating him like he’s a priority to you.
So either break it off or quit treating him like a priority and go hang out with your friends. Stop being so available. He’s the one with all the power right now because he’s the one who cares less.
Your options are
A) continue with this hurtful dynamic where you are treated like an option while you treat him like a priority and keep hoping he will change
B) stop treating him like a priority and lower your expectations and just have a casual relationship
C) break up with him