Sorry for any formatting issues!
My girlfriend (26) and I (23) are both asexual, but on the opposite ends of the spectrum.
I am sex positive/favorable. I have a low libido (only crave sex every like 1-2 months?). I’ve been to kink parties and have been generally chill with sex in general. I see sex as almost like a fun activity, like baking together or something. Even when I crave it, I don’t experience any sexual attraction.
My girlfriend on the other hand is sex repulsed. On top of not having any sexual attraction, she doesn’t really feel all that much physically. No trauma or anything like that, just not into sex.
We’ve tried out kinks/fantasies, toys, different positions, etc. It’s a two steps forward, one step back sort of deal with us. It’s not that our sex life is *completely* dead, but I don’t want to force anything out of her if it makes her so uncomfortable/annoyed. She also isn’t as physically affectionate as I am. Hugging/cuddling is pretty normal with us, but kissing isn’t really initiated much and it’s usually pretty quick. We have an amazing relationship otherwise! Very communicative and understanding. We talk about this quite a bit, but it’s hard and I can tell it hurts her to discuss.
Any idea on where we can go from here? We talked about seeing a therapist, but I worry that they’ll say much of what we’ve already discussed. Do we just accept that we’re not sexually compatible? What do I do with my own desires, then (besides taking care of it myself)? We are very monogamous and I’ve brought up how if I went to sleep with people, it would just feel like cheating (I know that’s not everyone, just how I feel about MY relationship). I will try and answer any questions!
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**Edit:** Changed from *sex negative* to sex repulsed. Couldn’t remember the term for it!
4 comments
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If sex is important to you every few months then you two aren’t compatible. You occasionally enjoy sex and she doesn’t enjoy sex. If you want that occasional connection then you should move on.
Ace here! I’ve seen some couples allow the sex positive person have a sex buddy on the side since the other one is sex negative. I would maybe talk to her and see if she’s fine with that. If it’s really a dealbreaker (you need to evaluate your needs and wants in a relationship) then I would say, as a last option, move on. If you want more advice, I suggest posting this on r/asexuality! There’s a bunch of us over there!
I don’t have any advice, but I do have a question if you don’t mind me asking…
Why is monogamy important to some asexuals? I’m a very sexual person, so sex (and physical intimacy like kissing) is, for better or worse, what defines monogamy for me.
Like, if my partner wants monogamy, but they aren’t ever having, or wanting to have sex with me, then…why would they care about sexual exclusivity? If I like rock climbing, and my partner never wants to do that, why would they care if I climb with someone else?
Sorry for the hijack. I’ve always wanted to hear someone’s perspective on this.
Also, I guess my advice would have been: maybe you can have a sex buddy. But you preemptively ruled that out. Personally, I don’t understand why you would feel like it was cheating. To me, cheating is doing something with another person that your partner is not okay with. Is your partner okay with it? Then it’s not cheating. Yes, I agree it would probably be a little uncomfortable at first. But if your options are: remain committed and never sexually fulfilled for the rest of your life, break up, or see if you can let go of what you’ve been taught about monogamy and cheating, that last option sounds like something worth pursuing (assuming your partner is on board).