My husband and I got married June 23, 2023. It’s the first marriage for both of us. I have a child from a previous relationship who shares my last name I gave him my family‘s last name because his dad is not in the picture. Also, my dad has three girls and so our family name will not be carried on. It will effectively die with us girls except for my son. My husband really wants me to change my last name but I have sentimental value to my name and it’s the same last name as my son.
He claims we aren’t legally married because my last name is not his.
I just wanted to get other people’s thoughts and opinions on this issue.
47 comments
Ohh boy getting my🍿 ready for the comments here.
That’s ridiculous IMO. What your name is has no bearing on whether you’re married and is far from the most important thing in a marriage.
Are there other things like this where he has extreme traditionalist views and tries to force you into agreeing with him by trying to guilt you into it? If so, that’s very concerning. Be careful and don’t be afraid to leave if he’s mistreating you.
i never changed mine because i just didn’t want to. my girls do not plan on changing theirs as they are both girls being the very last of their line.
So, why won’t he take your last name again?
I mean, if he wants the names to match so bad, he can change to, ya know… 🙂
My wife didn’t take my last name, we are definitely married, 20 years next March.
I don’t know if you know this, but I think you may have married someone who isn’t too smart. His opinion about the law doesn’t really matter.
Truthfully? My initial thought is why would you ever marry a man who thinks like this, especially since it seems to be a complete contradiction of your personal beliefs.
That said, getting married and changing your name are not legally the same thing whatsoever. They are two separate legal events.
Got married during Covid and I was such a pain in butt to get last name switched. Also so much work because my wife was in medical and tons of licenses and what not that needed redone. So yeah we never got around to it lol
She wants to one day, but it’s honestly doesn’t change life anymore for us so when it happens it happens.
Jesus Christ
I used to care about this, but I realized it was about control and ownership. I no longer give a fuck if my future wife takes my name or not. Whatever she wants to do.
These archaic ass men need to go in the garbage.
Does he know what the word “Legally” means?
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Didn’t you discuss this first?
Tell him to take your name. Problem solved.
Agree with him and then explain that since you’re not REALLY married it’s probably cool for you to date other people.
I mean, if you’re legally married, I think it’s very important that you stay faithful to your husband. So if he says he’s not legally your husband… he might have to sleep somewhere else until he remembers otherwise. I joke of course but his ridiculous stance warrants a ridiculous answer. I can understand being confused and maybe even a little hurt (traditions, expectations, and all that) but not legally married? That’s just silly.
Tell him you agree that you’re not really married but the reason is that *he* won’t either take your last name *or* accept that you can be married without the same last name. You can’t be properly married to a man who refuses to acknowledge that he’s married to you, so either he needs to take your name or else he needs to accept that you’re really married to each other without sharing a name, or else you need to file for divorce on the grounds that your husband refuses to believe in the legitimacy of his own marriage.
Demanding that you change your name to his just because you’re a woman is sexist. Lots of men change their names at marriage. My husband did. My ex-boyfriend did. The husbands of several of my friends did. The husbands of people I went to high school with did. The husbands of several of my husband’s friends did. *Lots* of men do this. Maybe your husband doesn’t run in the right social circles to meet any of those men, but I assure you, there are plenty of them. They exist.
And pretending that you’re not really married just because you don’t have the same last name is absurd. My husband’s parents have been married for close to 50 years, and they’ve never had the same last name. You’re married if you have a marriage certificate. Changing your name is not required.
Well, at least there will be no need to get new documents once you divorce him.
How come that is an issue now, not before you got married? What else have you never discussed?
This is a red flag and not healthy coming from him.
I didn’t take my husband’s name because he’s not my owner. Men demanding name changing are all about control and ownership. It’s ridiculous that men want this in 2023. It’s not 1950. If my husband demanded I change my name to his we would not be married.
Life is too short. Don’t live by a small penis demand.
My wife kept her last name we have a child who has her last name as well. We are definitely married.
Really the whole change name thing and a very antiquated concept
There’s nothing wrong with having pride in your name and wanting to keep it.
Why would he marry you, knowing that you weren’t going to take his name? Was it hard to get him down the aisle?
I never, even when I was a little girl, thought I would take my husband’s name. During our wedding planning I think he asked once as joke lol. He made it super clear to all the vendors, that I was to be addressed by Ms. MYMAIDENNAME. His grandparents had to eat the cost of a few Tiffany pieces they got engraved with his last name as our wedding gifts. He refused the gift, I didn’t care that much.
I say all that because I’m wonder how y’all even got in this position. I’m wondering if he thought he could change your mind after marriage.
If you are legally married then any court will recognize it as such. His opinion can go and suck it.
“We aren’t really legally married because you didn’t take my name.” Not only is this a ridiculous statement, it is a coercive and petty one.
I’m embarrassed for him. He may be too young (or simply immature) to make a decent husband.
You sound smart and strong. Good luck.
Legally he is wrong. He can ask a family lawyer if he is confused. If you have a marriage certificate together then you are legally married
On a whim, I chose to take my husband’s name, and it has been a hassle and also an impoverishment. His name is Smith. Mine was more interesting. I had thought I could still use my maiden name without issue. Nope. My daughter has a beautiful last name and chose to keep it when she married. Now they have a son and she and her husband gave him HER last name. No earthly reason to buy in to the old-fashioned patriarchal ways.
I just got married this week and I will not be changing my name.
He knew this walking into this relationship.
I mean, hot take, but I would make it the case I *wasn’t* married to a dude who had such an asshole sexist view.
For what its worth, I kept my name and we flipped a coin for our son’s last name (I won).
I never understood changing names after marriage.
You are not suddenly a different person when you get married so why would you change your name?
Tell him to get over it. His views do not make any sense so they’re rejected.
I only changed my name because I hated my maiden name.
Where I’m from, people do not change their last names when they get married. I’ve been married for almost 3 years now, I have two kids. We are most definitely married for real. My grandma was married for over 60 years until my grandpa died and she kept her last name as well. To me, it seems to be a hassle to change all of your legal documents.
What he thinks is legal and what is legal are two different things.
girl please what’s in a name as long as you are devoted and love one another this is 2023
It’s a pretty stupid demand. I think the best thing is whatever the individual making a change would be most comfortable with. I’m Hispanic and am used to women keeping their last name after getting married. I also have an Anglo background on my mom’s side so get the tradition of the wife taking her husband’s name. You shouldn’t feel obligated to do it if you don’t want to and he needs to let go of the idea and realize that changing ones name does nothing to validate a marriage. Everyone has their reasons and preferences. My wife for example was excited to take my name because she suffered a lot at the hands of her birth family and wanted to separate herself from them as much as possible. The situation you describe is a great reason to keep your dad’s last name.
He can jump up his own ass tbh
Sounds like some shit that should have been discussed before getting married
My wife has kept her maiden name simply because then she won’t have to change her passport, social security card etc. Do I care? Not a jot. She does use her married name on social media – to avoid all the old high school friends she’s no longer interested in.
Get the fuck out of here with that previous century thinking.
— a man.
One of my best men questioned why my wife didn’t take my last name during our wedding reception and it left such a bad taste in my mouth that we’re not really friends anymore
Tell your husband to grow the fuck up
Stay strong on your decision. It’s your identity, not his. He doesn’t get to decide.
Changing your last name has nothing to do with how much you love him or to make your marriage “legit.”
I come from a line of women who didn’t change their last name because it is our identity, our history, and our culture. Also, my siblings didn’t change their last names and a lot of my girlfriends didn’t change their last name when they got married after learning from us that it’s a CHOICE and it isn’t a REQUIREMENT. I let my now husband know when we were dating that I was keeping my last name, and he said that it wasn’t a problem he would respect that because I don’t belong to him, and I’d be his partner not property. When we got married, his family welcomed me to their [insert last name here] family, and my husband laughed and said, “Actually, I changed my last name to hers.” And they all got quiet and had faces of concern. And he told them it was a joke and clarified what my name STILL IS. The little joke made them realize how effed up those double standards were, and they never bothered me on the subject again. My ex-boyfriend told me he wouldn’t marry me if I didn’t change my last name, thinking it would pressure me into changing it… and I laughed and said well you’re going to have to find someone else, honey. I asked him if he would change his instead, and he said, “NO,” so I told him, “Then why do you expect me to do it?”
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All those stories to let you know to keep your foot down and stand up for what you want, no matter the reason as to why. You’re not alone. There are multiple women out there who have realized that it is not a necessity. You might get a bunch of backlash from folks, but they do not dictate your life choices.
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And that If he truly loves and respects you, no little patriarchal tradition would get in the way of that.
If you want more history as to where this originated, you’d understand how ridiculous it truly is.
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(Although, I will always respect the women who did change their name because they wanted no connection to their past or family due to abuse or other.)
I don’t think he knows how marriage works. He might be stupid and it’s likely grounds for annulment if you get it on quickly.
LOL WHAT? That’s ridiculous! I did not change my last name and I was present at our court marriage when we signed legal documents! I guess that was a lie! That’s the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever read and your husband needs to stop thinking that the only way you can be a family is if you take his last name. Then your child would be by himself and I wouldn’t want that either. I’m sorry you’re going through that but that’s just… I can’t.
You’re definitely legally married IF you legally married. It doesn’t matter if you change your name or not.
I’m getting married this year and I don’t plan on changing my last name officially for the foreseeable future. I’ll change it on social media to match my husband’s, but all my IDs and documents will stay my maiden name for now. It seems like a pain in the ass to get everything changed.
#1 if you are legally married, you are. Name is irrelevant. #2. Its sad this all
Wasn’t discussed prior to getting married. It really should have been.