About 10 years ago I had a couple dozen. But I recently noticed that if they didn’t fall out of touch naturally, they ended up saying or doing something that made me feel like all I would ever get for confiding in them is told I’m why society sucks. Or that by confiding in them I’m exploiting free labor (but if I help them move I’m just doing my duty as a guy friend).
I’m troubled by it. I have women in my friend groups who I enjoy spending time with quite a lot, but I don’t think I could rely on them for personal advice even if I thought they wanted that kind of dynamic. Especially advice on relationships, which sucks because I think I could use more perspective on that.
Maybe I just have too close of a perspective on my lady friends, and having seen them go through drama and say and do painful things has kind of poisoned the well a little.
Or maybe I’m just hanging around the wrong women.
What about you guys? Do you have any women friends, not SOs, who you confide in? If so, what about them makes you feel secure enough to turn to them for sensitive advice?
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As of now, exactly one. A friend of my mom’s.
My SO is my only friend so.
Friends, none. My sister, and *maybe* my cousin, though I’ve never had anything important to ask them.
That I could go to for advice? A dozen maybe.
That I would go to for advice? None.
Female teachers at school when it comes to their particular subject. Outside of school there wasn’t a single woman so far who was able to give me any meaningful advice.
Apart from my wife and relatives, I’d count at least two female friends that I can rely on for good advice if needed
It’s going to depend subject to subject. More often than not I seem to have my shit together a little bit more than any of my woman friends do. But they are still wonderful at bouncing my thoughts and feelings off of and getting their input on things. They can always offer a different perspective. There are only two women in my life right now who I know that I can confide in freely. But there are no women in my life who I am afraid to confide in.
My wife, my mom, and 4 friends if I needed them.
One. And if I was the man I am today back when I met her I would have zero as I wouldn’t have anything to do with her.
My wife, my sister, and my sister in law. Good women.
Excluding professional advice, zero, but I don’t see it as a problem.
1 ☠️
A lot. I’m close with a lot of women.
The only women that I can do this with, are my mother, and the wives of my siblings or close friends. The ones who are wives really only get that treatment tho cause they are synonymous with my siblings or friends, as they are married and I expect them not to withhold anything, even if it’s personal information that I am expelling
2. We’ve been friends for over a decade and are strictly platonic. It’s nice to get a woman’s perspective on a lot of topics.
None of the women in my life know anything pretaining to the issues I have as a man. I learned very early that I couldn’t count on them for advice.
Good or Bad advice? lol. I can get all the bad advice I need.
My wife is the only woman in my life. Other than my mother, I have no female relatives. If I needed advice, I have some female work colleagues that I greatly admire (as people outside of work).
None
about 3. My Mum, My younger sister and my Older sister-in-law.
My dad died last November- it brought my mom and I much closer as I’m an only child and we’re all we got left. I can talk to her about almost anything, but I don’t want to put my emotional trauma on her so have to rely on the rest of my support network. Even though it’s a shared experience we both went through I don’t want her to know how much of a struggle it is – it would cause her stress and worry.
during the 4 months between his diagnosis and death, I was talking to many close friends, who have known me for a long time and I also know their parents. Then the moms started texting/calling me to check up and they have been such a fantastic support for me more than my 30s-ish friends.
I’m still in touch with 2 music teachers that have always been like second moms to me since I was 10. They also have been fantastic support.
I even have a former colleague who was my direct report at a previous job who checks in and talks me through the emotional challenges, she’s probably 30 years my senior in terms of age. How often do you hear of people staying in touch with their ex-boss and providing emotional support???
My therapist now is also a woman – point is I got 5-10 “women” I can count on for support and advice each in different ways. I realize that was the question but also wanted to add the fathers of my friends have been equally supportive and fantastic.
Edit: my dude friends, and woman friends have also been great – didn’t mean to leave them out. But sometimes there’s a level of wisdom/advice that can only be given by someone with more life experience. Friends my age are also so amazing and lend an ear or shoulder as needed. I’ve worked hard to build a life surrounded by a good bunch of people.
5? 6? Something like that. Depends on the type of advice I’d need.
Two that I respect enough to actually listen to. (Most people are pretty out of touch with reality, let alone MY struggles.)
I can’t think of anything I’d go to a woman for advice for.
Zero.
Well… my mom is still alive
Just my wife, but in general I wouldn’t go to women for advice for things men normally go to women for advice from.
Zero
Me myself I
Maybe about 4. But then I often end up getting four different answers, so it doesn’t help much.
1, that being my sister who I am very close with. I think if I opened up more to the women in my life I would find 1 or 2 more, but I don’t feel the need/desire to do that. 1 is enough for me for now. I don’t really take advice from men or women as it pertains to my life extremely seriously anyways. Sucks that the response you got from those who gave you advice was that you’re “exploiting free labor”. I’ve seen many women think that men are incapable of doing emotional labor and that they accomplish this by dumping or asking advice on/from women. It’s true that it happens decently often, but I don’t think taking this dehumanizing attitude gets to the core of the problem, and I think it scares people away from opening up to people who may be able to relate and support them. Hope you can get ahold of, or already have people who can give you solid and non-judgmental advice.
4.
My wife, my best friend, my wife’s best friend, and a really good friend of mine.
OMG—I absolutely HATE the way people are abusing the term, emotional labor, and so does the sociologist who coined the term! Emotional labor applies to service jobs where front facing workers ( often women) have to smile and be polite to customers despite verbal abuse. That is it! It does not mean listening to your dear friend. Honestly, that to me is a sign of an ASSHOLE!! (I’m a woman)
If a woman is telling you that you are what is wrong with society that sucks unless that is not all she is saying. I read this complaint a lot on this subreddit and it makes me curious what kind of things illicit that reaction?
It’s sad that it seems like women are not very good friends to men in the ways that men consider reciprocal. If you help a woman move, she should help you. Granted, she might not be able to lift the couch but she can carry boxes and help you unpack.
I might experiment pointing out when the relationships seem lopsided. You can do it kindly, but if my male bestie said I wasn’t there for them emotionally or I could pick up a check more, I would try to rectify that quick. Male platonic friends, real ones, are special.
That I could go to? — 14 or so
That I *do* go to*?* — 5 of them
Depends on the advice.
Advice on women/dating? None
Advice on cooking? None
Advice on sewing? (yes, I’m a guy that knows how to sew and cook) None
Advice on working on my car? Eh, one.
Advice on work stuff? -1, I usually do the advice giving on that front.
Advice on fashion? None.
I guess I don’t have any women I pursue advice from. Come to think of it…I don’t have *anyone* to pursue advice from.
Generally speaking, partner, cousin, sister, sister in law, 2 friends and one colleague makes 7. I don’t really put stock in the rest, and of that could I’d only go to maybe 4 for relationship advice.
To be fair there aren’t many more guys I’d trust than that, and the only reason for that is because I work in a male dominated industry.
The traits you describe sound pretty toxic. If they’re not mature enough to differentiate between a general sentiment and a genuine friend then it might be time for some distance.
They gave me such shitty advice I stopped asking. Zero
I have plenty. The trick to getting advice is just to consider the source. Women give great advice on some things…. But they are clouded by their perspective on others.
I’m not going to ask a female friend how to attract women because they will just tell me what they want the truth to be. They are usually fantastic for getting detailed information on explaining specific confusing behavior.
Don’t ask a woman what will make you irresistible because she probably won’t tell you about all the assholes she hates herself for going back to…. She’ll tell you to not be an asshole which is what she wished the guy she kept going back to would do. On the other hand…. Ask her why another woman did something that doesn’t make sense to you… She’ll probably tell you something you never thought of immediately.
I’m pretty sure men do something similar…. Which is probably why I’m asking questions in the first place.