My gf (26F) and I (28M) had a discussion that ended up in her screaming at me so I cancelled our plans
My gf and I were supposed to hang out but there was a miscommunication in logistics and ended up resulting in a discussion that escalated quickly, which resulted in her screaming at me. I don’t take offense to the screaming or insults that are thrown my way because I recognize that she is seeking help for her issues by going to therapy, just like I am doing the same. However I don’t condone screaming or insults in a relationship and do my best to uphold that standard.
Having said that, I called off our plans today because I was upset at the way she treated me, which upset her even more. After she apologized, I didn’t change my mind to call off our plans because I genuinely feel like it would be enabling her behavior since this is a common occurrence. I acknowledge I may be going about this the wrong way so how should I bring up my concerns to her without invalidating her feelings?
41 comments
What was the miscommunication in logistics? That might help us understand what happened here.
If you suggested she pick you up, since you were on her way to the location, and she rejected that, it is pretty minor, and ending with yelling seems out of proportion.
But if you’d promised to make reservations at an exclusive place, left calling until the last minute, then suggest that you go down to the local pub and hang out with friends, she might be justified in being upset at you.
Seems like you did a good job of setting a healthy boundary in that you will not continue to be willing to spend time with her if she is going to be screaming at you. Good job, continue to do that.
She yelled at you yesterday, so you decided to punish her today? Is that what happened?
You recognize that she has an anger problem & you say you’re unbothered by that because she’s seeking help. So why the punishment? It seems more reasonable to deal with the screaming in the moment – ie: “I’m not willing to talk to you when you’re yelling at me. We’ll continue this conversation when you stop yelling.”
>this is a common occurrence
Apologies are bullshit if the behavior doesn’t change.
Good job. Whether in a relationship or not don’t let people get away with screaming at you or insulting you. Stand up for yourself
You don’t condone screaming or insults, and your gf screams and insults you a lot (i assume bc she needs therapy to stop)
I would just find someone who chooses to use their inside voices to express their feelings 🙄
You should’ve made her drive to you, fuck her and then send her back home honestly.
Mission failed, we’ll get em next time.
You exerted a boundary. You’re not obligated to spend time with someone who’s treating you badly. And an apology with no reflection isn’t enough for someone who habitually does it.
I see nothing really wrong with calling of you plans and just explain you were very hurt by it and I just don’t want too any more and want to reschedule for later.
If this is someone you plan on a long term relationship with you need to teach them how they can treat you. Life is too short. I think you did the right thing.
Screaming at close one is never a good sign, its good that she seeks professional help. Having strong boundaries is the only good thing you can do but if that behaviour continues apologising is not honest and in my opinion this shows lack of respect. Especially that from your comment its clear that the problem escalated on her side not yours.
Op never let someone disrespect you or insult you period. Especially if they claim to care about you.
She’s allowed to feel a certain way, but screaming and insults are way over the line, and unacceptable in any relationship.
Canceling plans (and explaining why) is setting a healthy boundary. “If you can’t control your anger and scream at me and insult me, I will disengage, and we will not do things together because that kind of behavior is unacceptable.” It doesn’t invalidate her emotions, but protects your own, and conveys to her that you won’t put up with being abused.
Good luck to you. If you find this is a regular occurrence in your relationship, you may have to reconsider continuing on with her until she’s learned how to handle herself in a healthy way.
Just because someone is getting through their own problems doesn’t excuse them from treating you poorly, I think you’ve done the minimum boundary setting and your decision should stand.
You handled it perfectly. This is a completely appropriate reaction to someone knowingly crossing your boundaries. Also, good on you for not holding her issues against her while she’s getting help for them, that’s very mature. I think that despite current issues, you guys can end up having a long and healthy relationship if you continue enforcing boundaries and communicating
Don’t dwell. No need to explain yourself beyond what you have already said. Don’t expect to know the answers. Let her figure it out with her therapist. Say your piece. Hear her. Like you said, you may be wrong but that’s the decision you have made. If she pursues this tell her to discuss with her therapist because arguing further will not be productive.
if she isn’t already in DBT, i would mention that to her. i switched to DBT from CBT so i could get care that was more focal to my own anger issues. one of the most important things i learned is the 10 steps of anger—once you’re raising your voices at each other, you’re actively destroying your bond (not that you intend to at all). also, learning the five parts of a proper apology helped me in my own relationship a lot. i can outline both below if you want and i do hope you guys are able to work through this (if that’s what you both want)
Has this happened before, her screaming I mean?
What was the miscommunication? Did you accidentally stand her up and she was upset so you punished her by canceling? We need more than vague hints.
>However I don’t condone screaming or insults in a relationship and do my best to uphold that standard.
Do you? You’re in a relationship where screaming and insults is a “common occurrence”. Not even for a good reason mind you, just bc you suggested a different game plan.
With all the big problems in people’s lives, you get into a screaming match over nothing.
You both need to grow up.
You made the right call. If she screams at you, it’s best to call things off. Wait for another time. If this is too common, it may be best to leave. Because she should not be screaming at and insulting you.
Initially, I was going to say if she apologized then that would’ve sufficed for me and then I realized that my boundary of requiring an apology never nips the issue in the bud bc in a way anything goes so long as you apologize? Actually typing that out makes me feel stupid as hell and no wonder I got treated how I got treated
I’d have a good calm discussion and set the clear communication that in future you won’t tolerate those behaviours and it’s your goal to never engage in that. I’d decide how many more times I was willing to tolerate that in a relationship
You did the right thing. Cancelling plans and taking a bit of space is a healthy way of dealing with being treated badly, and it gives her a real, if gentle, consequence that will help her maintain incentive to change her behavior.
Apologies do not and should not erase consequences, and you were right that to do so would be to enable her behavior.
I think you did the right thing. If this level of behavior is unacceptable to you then stand your ground.
You did the right thing but you can’t do it all the time, that means this isn’t the right relationship
um… you are absolutely handling it the right way. you are shutting down that behavior right then and there by not caving into her demands in that exact moment. let her know that if she pulls that crap again, you’ll leave her. same if she escalates in violence.
Stepping away is good. Just be sure it’s not, “you did this so I’m punishing you with the silent treatment.” If it’s “when you scream at me, it makes me not want spend time with you because___________. Let’s talk on Sunday morning, if you’d like. For now, I just need some time to myself.”
You did what you had to do for your mental health. Sounds like you’re not use to doing that. Good for you!
You did the right thing, there are consequences for her actions. That will make her learn fast!
By the way you keep repeating yourself It seems that you are very immature.
You did the right thing. Never reward bad behaviour, regardless of who they are.
You did the right thing! To cave and continue to condone her behavior with just a ” I’m sorry” will not show her that there are consequences for her behavior.
“You can rob a bank, but you can’t take back the money.” You did good. “I forgive you and will see you later, but that doesn’t mean we can act like the argument didn’t happen. If we spend this time apart, then hopefully we will value our company more in the future to make sure we think before we act/speak.”
Here to further validate you, I wouldn’t want to hang out with someone after they screamed at me. Anyone!
First of all you did am amazing job at creating a healthy boundary. Hopefully she learns that screaming at you isn’t going to get her what she wants I fully agree on you standing your ground with canceling your plans and staying with that.
There’s no reason to have yelling in a relationship. My first real serious relationship as an adult I ended up following my mother’s horrible example of what a relationship is like sadly it took me 4 years to figure out that I didn’t deserve what was happening and that relationships aren’t supposed to be pyshically and mentally abusive.
After that relationship I did a lot of soul searching and therapy at age 24 I found my current partner. We have now been together almost 6 years and married almost 5 years. We have 2 kids currently and one due in 5 weeks. Never once have we yelled or screamed at each other, have had tiny disagreement but not serious nor damaging and that usually on my part because I have a short fuse with strangers in public places lol.
You did the right thing
I had a LD bf who would instigate fights Fridays and then cancel the weekend when I got upset. It was actually abusive even though he said it was me. As long as this is not the case, you handled it well
> this is a common occurrence.
Bail.
I’m pretty impressed that someone here drew a line and MEANT IT. She ruined the mood for you. Keep your boundaries up. Honestly, I don’t tolerate that