My boyfriend (38m) told me I was not fit and that wasn’t his preference but he finds me (29f) beautiful in “other ways”

48 comments

1. I wouldn’t waste my time. There’s no future with a guy like that. What happens if you gain weight from having children or from a medical issue? What if you get into an accident and can’t workout? You’d be trying to be good enough for him forever. Find a guy who loves you for WHO you are, not what you look like.

2. why have i noticed this pattern of guys much older than their gf having problems whenever the gf’s body change or whatever.

3. If he has a preference for a certain body type, he should date within that body type and not expect his girlfriend to change for him. No, it’s not good to fish for comments about your body, but you know that and you’ve apologised. At the same time, I don’t know how many posts we’ve had to see now of guys who simply don’t know how to say “you’re perfect in my eyes and I find you extremely attractive”. That’s how your partner should feel about you. I have no time or patience for those “I’m just being honest!” guys. You’re not “being honest”, you’re finding any way out of simply saying “I think you’re beautiful”. You should work on your body if and when it’s what you want to do, not because he makes you feel like you’re not good enough.

4. I don’t know what you mean by him judging your body- if he’s doing that then you do need to leave.

   However, it’s not fair of you to make comments and expect him to know what you want. If you want reassurance- *say that*. And don’t ask questions if the honest answer is going to make you upset. Again, just *tell him you need reassurance*.

   It sounds like, from his perspective, with the comments you were making he thought you wanted to *change* the way you looked. I’m not saying he’s right in what he said- he wasn’t (and you should leave him if he’s really judging your body). I’m just saying it sounds like if you just communicated instead of playing these games it would have helped you both a ton.

5. Isn’t this negging?

   >Negging (“to neg”, meaning “negative feedback”) is an act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise flirtatious remark to another person to undermine their confidence and attempt to engender in them a need for the manipulator’s approval.

6. Why are you sensing that he’s judging your body instead of appreciating it? I think that’s the key here. You didn’t go fishing for compliments out of nowhere and his “honesty” was meanness.

   You sense he’s judging your body; I sense he sucks.

7. How long have you been dating him? Your body sounds good, he’s wild!

8. You are at a healthy weight. Him asking you to lose weight is not only ridiculous and cruel, it’s unhealthy for you. What does he want, someone malnourished? I sincerely doubt you have a lot of cellulite at your weight unless you were previously actually over weight (180 or something) and lost it in the past. You might not be fit like an athlete, but you aren’t fat.

   This is a giant red waving flag. Also, why is he trolling for women 10 years younger than him? Women his age won’t deal with his bullshit?

   I would leave. You come from abusive relationships. He’s already negging you and asking you to be malnourished. He’s comparing you to his ex. How is this going to get better as you get older. You need a supportive, loving partner, not another emotionally abusive partner. Leave; get therapy (nothing wrong with it, I have a therapist myself) to work on recognizing signs, building boundaries and self esteem, dealing with trauma, etc; and do something nice for yourself like a spa weekend or a nice restaurant outing. Spoil yourself a little to detox from dealing with all this bullshit.

9. I’m 5ft 3 and 135lbs you are absolutely not fat at all .

   If he doesn’t like your body then please leave him you deserve better. Someone who finds you attractive

10. Get out. I married someone who thought I was “beautiful on the inside”. I spent my whole marriage knowing he was judging whatever I ate, even if he didn’t say anything. He never thought I was sexy, and it showed. I wasn’t confident enough to know that I deserved better until I was in my mid 30s.

11. So he never compliments you? Or he doesn’t compliment you how you want him to?

12. Don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answers to.

13. I would not waste my time with someone like him personally.

14. Maybe that is why a 38 year old is with a 29 year old. Because someone his age would not take his bs, you’re better off without him

15. I dunno if I could come back from that and/or if I could, whether I’d want to. It’s been a year, which isn’t that long. I would be tempted to leave him to find that fit body he’s so into and I’d go find someone who appreciates my body and personality.

    And that “when you act hurt I can’t be honest” line is just full on manipulation to get you to not react to him being rude. That’s an orange, if not red, flag in my book.

16. I have had boyfriends who wasn’t my typical preference in looks but because I was in love I just loved everything about them. I did not care about their looks unless they stopped taking care of themselves that would be something I would want to look into as to why. Please don’t go to the gym because of HIM but for yourself

17. I think this is one of those if you don’t want to know you don’t ask. What is he supposed to do lie? He specifically said when he had issues. So, he is a smaller man. But he clearly loves you and he didn’t bring it up you did. So hit the gym or drop the subject and accept it. I don’t think he did anything wrong.

18. He’s not wrong for having a preference. It sucks that you didn’t like his answer to your question. IMO you are the perfect weight for your height. I would just let this go. You can go to the gym if YOU want, but do it for you…not him.

19. You can do either. If he accepts you for how you are that’s great, if you wanna get in better shape, also great.

20. More context here

    I am a nurse and ordered scrubs for my new job from FIGS. They got in last night and I tried them on to show him and he had a really poor reaction and said I needed bigger bottoms because of how it fit my butt and it wasn’t work appropriate. He was joking and laughing but I could tell he was serious about exchanging them. I felt they fit except for one pair that was a little low cut (I ordered them based on my measurements) but that was just how FIGS are. They aren’t baggy. So that compounded the issue and started me bringing up the weeks of feeling like I was too fat for him.

21. “I come from a history of abusive relationships—“

    That’s all I needed to hear, cause the cycle has continued

22. This man is telling you you’re not what he prefers. So either you stay with a man who sort of, kind of, half ass is okay with you. Or you drop him and find a man who says you are what he prefers and does not leaving you feeling some type of way.

    You very well could be just a place holder for him until the woman with the type of body he prefers comes along.

23. I don’t think he was rude at all.

    You asked him a question he gave you the honest truth

    Nowhere did he say you’re ugly or fat

    Just what his preference is…

    The comments section explains why men have to sugar coat/coddle women

24. I had cellulite when I was anorexic and 20lb underweight—- it’s genetic, and just how women’s fat is distributed on the body. It’s different from men.

25. You did ask for it, by fishing for comments. He wasn’t rude,he answered your inquiry it’s unfair to call him judgmental when you were using manipulative tactics to bate a certain response, and when you didn’t get said response got direct. His preference for “fit” hasn’t stopped him from being respectful and dating you? If his preference erodes your self confidence in your beauty, or if he’s now making unsolicited comments on your weight this relationship isn’t compatible.

    What made you sense he was judging your body?

26. You did ask for his honest opinion, so you should not get upset when he tells you his opinion. Getting upset when he answered you honestly will make him pause to ever speak to you openly about anything for fear that you’ll get upset if he says something that you do not want to hear.

    I would venture to say that most men and women have a specific body-type they would prefer, but it doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t love their SO if they did not fit that particular body type.

27. question – what’s his definition of “fit”? is it a certain weight range or body shape?

    his ex was 5 feet tall, of course she’s gonna be petite… plus cellulite is normal and underweight/average weight people have it too.

    your feelings are valid imo. he’s manipulative for saying he can’t be honest because you get upset + he was trying to use your comments about being insecure against you

28. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to. My ex did this shit all the time and it drove me nuts. If you think you’re overweight, do something about it. If you don’t, don’t. But don’t ask a question you don’t really want the answer to.

29. Doesn’t sound like he’s asking you to be something you’re not. He probably genuinely likes you for you but your level of insecurity may be outside the realm of what many people have the skills to navigate without hurting your feelings. I think you need to see a therapist and get right with yourself because it genuinely sounds like this is an issue you totally contrived by your own actions. If he had been pressuring you to change that would be different. If you don’t want to do that, find a partner that will lie to you.

30. Tell him to kick rocks. You shouldn’t have to change yourself for anyone. And if “fit” women are his preference then why isn’t he with someone else? He’s shallow and a jerk. You can do better.

31. I mean objectively you aren’t fat. 140 and 5’4 is a healthy bmi. And cellulite isn’t about how much fat is on your body, it is an issue of the way that fat accumulates on your body. Tendency towards cellulite over more smoothly laying fat is usually genetic and even women at very low body fat levels can have some cellulite in some areas. Having cellulite is not a sign of being unfit or unhealthy.

32. You can easily lose over 150 lbs overnight by breaking up with this clown

33. Yes. You asked for this. You manipulated him into an honest answer, he was *tactful* about his answer, and you just didn’t *like* the answer

    If you really don’t want to know, don’t ask. Sounds like he was happily living his life with you and you let your inner demons get the best of you

34. You hit the gym if you want to, not to please someone else.

35. Dump your boyfriend.

36. FIVE OR TEN POUNDS? Girl your man should feel lucky he gets to be with a beautiful woman he loves. I’m like FAT fat and my partner thought I was hot when I was even fatter than I am now, and will think I’m hot when I reach my goal weight. Dump this dude in the trash.

37. You know, some people just don’t know how NOT to hurt their partners.

    Take heed: Before you say some hurtful shit to someone, how about you try it out in your own head and see if it wouldn’t hurt YOUR feelings.

    My ex husband used to just let anything that farted into his head come out his mouth. He was cruel, and his end to the sentence was “just sayin”.

    Well, just DON’T. Keep mean shit to yourself.

38. What??? He’s 38 and criticizing your body? You’re not overweight and you don’t need to hit the gym cuz he insulted you. Why would you want to accept him being rude and change just for him to be in this relationship? He sounds callus and shallow. He’s aging too like wtf ?

39. “I can’t be honest with you because you react poorly” is just him failing to own up to anything he may have done wrong.

    Is he wrong for having a particular preference in body types? Nope. But telling his partner that his preference is “fit” then bringing up times where you made comments about your appearance as proof that you agree you aren’t “fit” is shithead behavior.

40. 5’4” and 135-140 is normal weight range.

41. 1. Why ask questions you dont want the answer to? 2. He should recognize the trap and give a polite response

42. I weigh the same amount and Im 5’1
    the doctor told me i gained weight literally two days ago, i tell my bf in disappointment thru text and instead of being upset he goes “it went to ur chest and big butt, still sexy as ever 🤤”

    find urself a man who worships u queen, you got it!!!

43. Wow. This girl is asking for legit advice and all the top comments and replies are about dude being a pig for being honest. If you actually read her post he didn’t tell her to lose weight, he didn’t bring it up at all she kept pushing it because she’s self conscious about it. He gave her an honest answer that physically he generally prefers fit/petite women. BUT he’s with her so there must be physical attraction and a whole bunch of other things she’s got going on that he likes. OP if you read this my advice is stick it out for awhile, if he’s kind to you and isn’t asking you to eat less or go to the gym try and find a way to be comfortable with the fact he’s with you for reasons….

    My (43m) wife (38f) and I have been together for 15 years. When we met she was 5’4″ maybe 120 2 kids and my cooking later she’s put on at least 30 lbs. She’s self conscious about it and it drives me nuts cause I still think she’s sexy AF and still feel like a giddy high school kid every time I get to see her naked.

44. Dump him please. You are perfect the way you are.

    Also his ex weighed 85-90 lbs???? He wants a child or an anorexic. He’s a sick man

45. Well you’re not fit and not his preference. That’s ok. I know I wasn’t my spouse’s ‘type’ or fit when we met (or now). That’s not the question. He didn’t say you’re not beautiful or that he’s not attracted to you, right? You had to fish because it seems like he’s made you feel attractive thus far. You said you sense he’s judging your body? How? Is he telling you to eat healthier? Jiggling your thighs? None of this is rude, your body type isn’t his standard preference, but it seems YOU are his preference. Now is there more to this?

46. You bothered him for the truth and now you don’t like what you hear. Hit the gym.

47. You asked for it – hit the gym.

48. Babes I just read the 1st line and can tell you you’re in an abusive relationship. Why doesn’t your ancient bf find a woman his own age to “love in other ways”