TL;DR – discontinued care with a therapist who I thought was an incredible fit because she had someone in the room with her during our session without my consent. What now?
Details:
Hi everyone, I’m new to this sub but looking for some advice. I (31F) have had therapists on and off in my adult life and have really benefited from it. I’m a huge believer in talk therapy and since I just moved back to the state my partner and I will settle in, had met with a couple therapists trying to find one for the long term (starting the process of starting for a family, started a new job now in the private sector, etc).
Recently, I started with a new one that we mutually agreed was an excellent fit. I felt so seen and understood in our short 4 weekly sessions together. She also commented on our level of fit. She knew my goals and I already felt like we were making progress.
On Friday last week, we logged on to the zoom call as usual (this is my first remote therapist, all the others I’ve had consistently were in person). I’d been having a rough time at work so we started discussing that when, in the corner of her glasses reflection, I could see the silhouette of a person. After a few minutes, I mustered up the courage to ask, “hey, it’s okay if the answer is yes, but is there someone in the room with you?”. She said, “no” and I followed up with, “okay it’s just that I swear I see the outline of a person in your glasses?”. She immediately and calmly admitted that yes, there is someone in the room with her then she ducked into another room and closed the door.
She apologized and said something to the effect of at home they only have one room with a desk in it, but didn’t elaborate as to why. I started changing the subject and making light of it, I think I was in denial and since she is so great, I just wanted to move on. She paused me and apologized again, said all the right things, named that she didn’t tell the truth the first time I asked her and that wasn’t okay that she did that etc. also asked me how I feel about wanting to take care of her in that moment and not make her feel bad. I also felt seen from that because I did feel like wanting to make her feel better about it, a pattern of mine I’m learning more about.
By the end of the session, she apologized again and I said it was okay, I understand.
After my work day (which was stressful for other reasons) I had a good cry. By the next day, it really hit me what happened and I ended up sending her a vouce memo via iMessage (we had never texted before but she gave me her number during our first session) that I had to find a new therapist because of this and thanked her for the time we had, short in tenure but deep in engagement. She responded with a voice memo again, saying all the right things, felt good to have her recognize my feelings and commend my actions for living in alignment with my values of truth and trust. She said though she completely understands my decision, if I change my mind, she’s here.
I don’t know how to move forward. Appreciate any advice, thank you redditors
46 comments
I could be wrong, but i feel like she lied and that was enought to lose your trust, but also makes me feel like she was manipulating you.
Like admitting she was wrong, and recognizing your behaviors was a manipulation tactic to make you stay.
She already knew you were going to forgive her.
She had all your vulnerabilities and tendencies in the palm of your hand how could you think this was anything more than using your experiences agaisnt you.
Under no circumstances do you go back to her.
Was she on airpods or wearing a headset? If so, and the other person couldn’t hear or see you… it’s a little messed up, but I get saying you’re “virtual alone”… but not cool to not explain honestly.
If the other person could hear your voice, that’s pretty F-ed. And wow.
Ugh. That’s really tough. Sorry that happened to you. I have a wonderful therapist and I am absolutely sure a) she would reschedule if for some reason she couldn’t have a private space for my session, and b) she would just never conduct a session with someone else in the room let alone lie to me about it.
Therapists are human beings and no one is perfect but her actions and behaviours in this situation would be a definite deal-breaker for me regardless. It’s an unacceptable professional breach in all ways.
Sounds like a HIPAA violation.
I understand if you just want to move on. But this is also absolutely worthy of reporting to licensing agencies. What she did was grossly unethical and unprofessional. You have an expectation of privacy that she failed to live up to, and then lied when confronted.
Her using this to validate you feels like gross manipulation, too. It reeks of an attempt to make you feel good about the situation so you won’t report her misconduct
She allowed someone to be in the room even if she knew it was wrong, this means that she really don’t have respect for you, I wouldn’t continue seeing her.
I would report it. What she did is illegal and entirely unethical. I know it may sound harsh, but honestly, I really struggle to speak up for myself, and the next person might not even have the nerve to call her on it.
It’d be the worst feeling in the world to have some random person listening in on your therapy sessions. Who knows how many people she’s done this to and will continue to do it to. The fact that she lied suggest it’s not the first time. She was comfortable being deceptive.
I think she played you up with the “good job standing in your truth” jargon because if she stays positive with you, you’re less likely to want to report her. She’s creating a friendship and bond, so that you won’t hold her accountable for breaking the law and her patients’ trust.
But reporting her is the right thing to do.
This is incredibly unethical and I would find a new therapist if I was in your position.
I’ve been seeing my therapist virtually since the pandemic hit, and the practice she works for has a disclaimer on their zoom page when you sign into your session reminding patients that they’re provider’s environment is secure and patient’s are responsible for securing their environment.
It’s incredibly messed up even if she was wearing headphones and said all the right things. Therapy is supposed to be a safe space, and I’m sorry your therapist didn’t uphold that for you.
When I was an intern in crisis center I was allowed to listen to remote counselling, however only if counsellor was wearing headphones and I couldn’t hear/see what was the client saying, only the responses of counsellor.
Also I could read cases of clients and could further inquire about it.
All of it done while preserving their anonimity from me. I didn’t know/see/hear what those people were.
Honestly are someone who works in a field dealing with far more sensitive information where WFH is common having unauthorised people in the room is really common.
It’s a bit of a nightmare from an information security perspective but equally it’s not actually a security issue because these people aren’t stupid, often their spouse has a higher level of clearance than they do.
Likewise I highly doubt that the person in the room with your therapist gave a shit if they even heard anything. Obviously it’s not ok, it’s basic professionalism to make it look like your client had confidentiality but hopefully that makes you feel a bit better.
Therapist here. This is a major ethical violation. Please please report her to the state licensing board for her profession. She is likely doing this to all her patients. There is absolutely no world in which this is acceptable. Her lack of space/privacy is a problem she has to solve in order for her to work ethically. Instead she went with lying to her clients about it.
Honestly, I would report her. When you are trained as a therapist you take professional ethics courses, which includes maintaining confidentiality. This isn’t just the therapist not gossiping, but even if you would run into them in public they aren’t supposed to acknowledge you unless you go up to them and say hello. Even if she had AirPods in do the person couldn’t hear, they could see the screen and know your identity. They didn’t agree to confidentiality and could share you are a client.
Work from home has made things challenging but the onus is on the therapist to ensure their office is 100% private when they are on a call with a client and all files are locked away.
OP. What your therapist did is very unethical. She violated your privacy and added to the mistake by lying to you about it, eroding any trust established with you. Please report her behaviour. What she did was very wrong and she has probably done it to other clients.
Opening up with our deepest emotions to someone in order to work through them is very hard and requires trust and makes us feel very vulnerable. Her actions have set you back in a your progress and were harmful to you (you were upset and crying later in the evening). Please report her behaviour.
You need to report her because having someone listen to your therapy session is a huge confidentiality violation and she should get in trouble.
Hi everyone, thank you for these insights. To answer the question of headphones, yes, she was wearing AirPods so theoretically this person in the room could hear what my therapist was saying but not me.
Immediately after it happened, she asked me what i was thinking and feeling. I told her how I thought if it were her supervisor or another therapist trying to learn, I totally get that and appreciate that but obviously need to be asked that and consent to it. She didn’t confirm or deny who the person was, but given that she was at home, I’m assuming it was just someone who lives with her and she got careless.
Honestly, before posting this on Reddit for advice, I was just going to try and heal and then find another therapist. After reading yalls comments, I do think I have a responsibility to report this. Thank you for the advice y’all. I’m hoping to heal enough to find a new therapist afterward, but how can I trust any remote therapist now?
REPORT HER. Seriously. This was a HUGE violation. So sorry you dealt w this.
Wow, I’d be shattered. It’s not easy to open up and you certainly aren’t consenting to doing that with a rando who has no obligation to protect your privacy. It’s a huge violation.
If she worked with a practice group, I’d start with reporting her there.
I would move forward by reporting her. I’m incensed that this happened to you and her lying. She deserves to be reported. Then she dazzles you with therapy speak. Fuck no.
It’s wasn’t Snider was it? They had someone and lied about it during my session, if you search my posts, there’s some good info in the comments
Absolutely report her. She somehow found a room with no one in it after you called her out, so her excuse seems like a blatant lie. She also lied to you when you first asked her.
Report her immediately.
File a formal complaint.
My late husband was a mental health counselor, and he was such a stickler for ethics that he wouldn’t talk to me about his clients even in the most vague terms – he didn’t want to take the risk that he might inadvertently slip and share something that shouldn’t be shared. And that’s how it should be.
PLEASE report her. She should not be treating anyone.
Report her
Report her.
As the son of a therapist I can say that when My dad used to see clients at home we were strictly forbidden from interupting him but I can’t say it didn’t happen. Sometimes we’d decide whatever kid drama was too important and interrupt him. He actually didn’t see clients from home for very long because of us now that I think of it in retrospect.
In this world of zoom therapy I could see it being much easier to see clients from home but I figure family is still a hindrance to it despite it being easier to hide other ppl via zoom. If it’s a case of a family member coming into the room to use something in there, I’d be a little forgiving bc said family member probably has it so tuned out as to not hear the conversation. It’s still weird though.
Even if someone else is in the room that doesn’t mean she can’t have headphones on. Like why does it need to be on speaker? Wtf?!
I’m a therapist, you need to report her ASAP. This is in no way okay. Confidentiality is a huge hallmark of therapy.
Report her
She is saying “all the right things” to try to manipulate you into not reporting her. This is a huge violation. Imagine how many other patients are pouring out their deepest, darkest problems and never knowing there’s a third person listening in. This is a disgusting situation that no one should be put in.
Please, please, please report her.
You report her. She lied to you and broke confidentiality. That’s something worth reporting
Please report her. I engage in confidential work myself and not only do I set up a private space, I also use a headset just in case. This is highly unethical as well as a violation of her license. Other commenters mentioned this but you are not the first.
This post gave me anxiety I can feel in my stomach. I’m a therapist who does telehealth from home and this is so inappropriate and violating that I barely know what to say. I know I’ve taken numerous steps to ensure the privacy of my clients, including requiring my husband to work two floors below me in basement if he is at home, always wearing AirPods so clients voice could never be heard, using a white noise machine outside the door, and even putting a towel around the bottom of the door.
I would report this to the board and if she’s part of an agency I’d contact her supervisor. When I started to read this I thought she was going to have had a student with her — still inappropriate without consent but at least within broad realm of being clinically appropriate. But this smacks of gross violation of ethics and HIPAA.
Personally I don’t give a shit about privacy when the one listening is a total stranger. What would piss me off is the lying. Not ok.
This is a 10/10 nuclear ethical breach and she knew it because she lied about it. She knows how much trouble she will be in for this which was why she was deceptive and attempted to gaslight you in order to conceal the violation. All her clients should know, this is not ok.
My sister is a therapist and I can tell you there are legal requirements for confidentiality in this type of work. For her situation she uses the only office in her current home and her husband has to work on a different floor in their dining room and often he is required to wear noise canceling headphones while she is in session to guarantee complete privacy and anonymity even though they are on different levels of their home. There is no excuse for what this therapist has done and it is professionally and ethically on a whole different level of wrong.
I’m a therapist. Report it if you feel able- she’s breaking a massive ethical boundary
1) You do need to report this incident. 2) As odd as it is to say, she did help you. From what you wrote you seem to be a people pleaser, she addressed that when you tried to normalize it. You then DID NOT be a people pleaser by sticking up for yourself and ending the relationship with them.
I can sort of understand your mixed feeling about this
The next step is to report it. You have the texts as proof. What she did is unethical and a violation of your trust and your rights as a patient.
extremely fucked to have your own therapist gaslight you
Call the regulatory agency for therapists in your state. This is not ok and clearly she is doing it to all of her patients. This is a huge violation of trust.
This is a huge HIPPA violation as nice as she is and as much as you like her and want to protect her you should report this so this doesn’t happen to another client of hers. I’m a LMSW and have worked from home before and a huge part of that is having a private space to do so because of HIPPA
Report her to the relevant licensing authorities, and find yourself a new therapist. What she did is a crime.
Lied to your face, then when irrevocably caught, made lame excuse . Nobody can trust a proven liar.
As a therapist, I am utterly appalled. Please OP make a formal complaint with the board about this. The lack of space is no excuse at all. How many other clients has she done this to and they never knew?
Therapist intern I am appalled! I just want to reach out and say I am so sorry this happened to you. It’s disgusting that this has probably happened with various clients if she is saying this is the only room with a desk. I also work from home and always make sure I am in a room where the door is shut.