I don’t know what to do, what to feel, how to handle this or how to go from here.
My (25F) Husband(30M) left me suddenly out of the blue three weeks ago. We had no existing Problems. No warning, nothing. In this time he said some things that hurt me, told me he needed time to think, left for a week, came back, stayed with friends in this time, gave me hope we could come back from this only to destroy it yesterday. I spend everyday of those crying my eyes out, wondering what happened, what did I do? We talked about everything in the past, why couldn’t he talk about something that was bothering him now? Something so big that’s effecting our life’s so much?
I tried to give him the space he needed but we have two kids in kindergarten so we had to communicate. He told me he loved me, wanted to try to establish a new reality with me, but I was the only one putting in the effort. So of course I didn’t feel good but I thought he needed more time.
Then yesterday he came over for some stuff and I asked if we could talk about our situation because it is eating at me and I gave him enough space to sort out his thoughts and feelings.
And we talked. He told me he does love me but it’s not enough, he doesn’t think we could really repair it, that he hopes he realizes he makes a mistake but right now he doesn’t have hope.
I asked why did he gave me hope in the first place when he wasn’t sure if he could do it. Why he left me hanging when I thought we could fix this. When I know we could if we both put in the effort.
He said he didn’t know, he thought it would come naturally but when it didn’t it felt wrong.
So I told him that it doesn’t work like that, you have to work hard to fix something like that and you have to work together. That sure, it would hurt sometimes but that it would be worth it in the end. A new reality doesn’t mean it can’t be good or happy if we work on it and make it so.
We both cried hard, he said it’s not easy for him either but he is the one turning our world upside down without even trying to fix it.
Without even wanting to give it a try.
So I don’t understand it.
I tried to keep everything as much from the kids as I could but since I’m the only one caring for them right now it’s hard. And yesterday I broke down in front of them for the first time. Something I never wanted them to witness. They tried to comfort me, saying I shouldn’t be sad, Daddy’s coming home soon, that we all miss him and he misses us, too. I couldn’t say that he wouldn’t. That’s something we need to do together but he couldn’t yesterday after everything. So I was left alone with it.
He told me he would try to explain his feelings better via Text Message, he would do it in the evening yesterday. I told him I wouldn’t wait for his messages anymore but that I would appreciate it because I need to understand his thought process. Well, nothing came. And I’m so dissapointed. I didn’t wait, didn’t look at our pictures again. I cried the whole evening sitting in the kitchen because I can’t stand being in the living room where we spent most of our time together and went to bed without looking at my phone.
Being home hurts, seeing him everywhere without him being physically here.
I miss him so damn much and I love him even more. Even now. I can’t let go. I don’t know how to let go after almost six years of marriage. A happy marriage. He said he wasn’t unhappy before. I don’t know what happened and he doesn’t either.
I need advice how to handle this, how to let go, how to overcome this because I’m lost. I need to keep going because of the kids, even if it kills me. No one saw it coming. Everyone in our circle is as shocked as I am. I never thought something like this would happen to us, no one did. We battled worse things together, side by side. And now it’s all over. Lost forever. Maybe.
Please help.
27 comments
First: this isn’t your fault. I’m sure there will be no end of people telling you, “He’s just a bastard, let him go,” but that won’t help you much. You need comprehension, so I’m going to give you what there is to comprehend, and that won’t be much. But above all: this isn’t your fault. There was nothing you could have done.
Your post makes really clear that this was out of the blue. We can’t know why: but it’s hard to fake six years of happiness, so let’s just agree that those years were not an illusion.
You married young, however. And you started having kids pretty soon after. And it’s a good bet that something in him began to feel trapped, as if he couldn’t grow in the direction he wants.
It’s common enough for men to evaluate and re-evaluate their life-choices, especially if they got into those choices before really exploring their own freedom. It isn’t “right”; explanations are not excuses. But you need to understand, so understand that many broken marriages come from precisely that place: “it’s not that I don’t love my family, but I don’t know who I am anymore, apart from them, and I don’t like that.”
Let’s deal with the elephant in the room:
Whether that took place through a sexual / emotional affair, we can’t know, and as he’s unable or unwilling to articulate his feelings, it’s unlikely he’ll tell you.
For your own dignity and mental health, I’d urge you not to care about that. The treachery is leaving: what happens after that or before that is far less important. If I’m right about him re-defining himself above, he hasn’t found someone “better.” At most he’s found someone “different” who connects to his freedom, not to his responsibilities.
Get in therapy. Now. You need to be talking this out REGULARLY with someone trained to help you talk your way through the fog.
You cannot control what he does, only what you do. And you are choosing to be a mother to kids who need you. You are not unloved; you are not unlovable. This person has, for reasons of his own, failed to love you. But that’s a failure of his strength, not yours. Your strength is just getting started.
Sorry, but no self-respecting man leaves and breaks his family because “something doesn’t feel right.”
My money is on there being someone else – he just cannot bring himself to tell you. Maybe he cheated already, or maybe he plans to now. But “something doesn’t feel right” is nonsense. If it was that, you sit at home and you think about what it is — you don’t move the hell out of the house and throw away your family. I call BS.
The 180 method. It will help you heal.
Cheating , debt , drugs , gambling or Gay ? That is the question you need to find the answer too.
His “excuses’ will be just that so don’t please be an idiot and sit around waiting to listen to his lies INVESTIGATE.
Most people are lazy & conflict avoident they don’t leave because they don’t have “the feeling” they leave because they have a big fat SECRET!
Get a PI and see if there is someone else, it may help in the divorce but also it is important for you to know the truth going forward, you don’t want to be begging a cheating man to stay. You don’t want to stay with a cheating man, trust me I know.
The reason I think cheating is that there are few people who simply walk out or don’t try anything when they want the relationship to work but there are some problems. His actions suggest he is fully checked out for some reason and that is a reason he doesn’t want to tell you, which is why you are getting nothing from him.
It’s hard to accept that your relationship is done but you have to. Even now, do you really want back a man who would do this to you? Sadly the only path to a new, happy and fulfilled you, is to get through the sad times you have now. Through it. You can’t go back, what you had is already lost.
The best too I ever got was “Think of the bad times”. Those things he did that made you angry, when he was a asshole to you. We all tend to look at pictures and reminisce the good times when we split up but it doesn’t help to do that, and it doesn’t ever reflect the reality of how the relationship was.
Good luck
You married to Leonardo Dicapro by any chance?
I can bet you anything that he’s having an affair… someone else is in the picture. Get a lawyer, hire a PI (at fault state?!) start playing the smart game, he’s not being honest, real honesty here is he left you and the kids. Get informed, get some therapy for yourself and your kids and get your things in order. Good luck OP.
My heart is with you. I don’t know your pain but I recognize it as my wife (6 years together 2 married) left me 1 month ago…unexpectedly and out of the blue too. With a similar reason, that our time had come to and end and something just didn’t feel right. She also said love wasn’t enough. So I get it…
What have I learned…2 choices, acceptance or denial. Both are incredibly painful but one them creates more suffering.
I immediately signed up to therapy, I use the app BetterHelp, highly recommend!
I don’t know if you have a spiritual practice, but leaning into that has helped me. I listen to cutting cord/ letting go meditations.
Journal. Burn things. Scream. Let yourself feel it all. Your feelings are so valid. Grief is a part of your life right now, it deserves to be felt but it doesn’t deserve to consume you. So look for the little moments of joy.
For weeks I would wake up and vomit. I didn’t want to carry on. So my friend suggested to me each night to try and write down 3 things that day that made me feel alive. Sometimes it would be as simple as taking some deep breaths outside at night. Or hearing my sister laugh.
The little things can be momentus. They can be your light in the darkness helping you to navigate the void you are in.
I still haven’t got full closure. But ultimately, for me that is, I have learned that it doesn’t really matter because I only have those two choices either way. I decided I wanted to live. But first you have to learn to survive.
Then one day…in the magical, unknown and distant future you will thrive.
My heart is with you beautiful soul
I had a break up that blind sided me as well. But it turns out I was just blind. I ignored so many red flags and it turned out that he was cheating. I think it would be really good to try and think of any signs that this was coming. It will help things make more sense. This situation feels eerily similar to mine. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Real men know that love is a *choice*. It’s something you have to work for your entire life if you’ve committed yourself to someone forever. He wasn’t up to the task. It’s *not* anything you did. Don’t keep yourself up thinking about what you could’ve done differently. It wasn’t your shortcoming, it was his.
I agree with posters that say you need to start now absorbing that this is not about you. It’s him – let him figure out his crap and get help to disconnect from him. It will take time so be patient with yourself. It may take a few years and that’s ok. But don’t “get stuck in this moment” – work your way out of it now for the sake of you and your kids. Stop texting him. Let him walk away. Give him permission and then work on your hurt and anger privately. That’s the healthiest route. There will be nightmares and anger dreams but that is all part of the process. Take care of you OP.
When this happened to me, it turned out he was cheating. But the closure of knowing that made it easier for me to move on.
You’re grieving. And that’s ok.
Once you make it through this part you’ll look back and see the red flags you missed and/or ignored. You’ll recognize his behavior and how you were treated and mistreated. You’ll see that there was plenty of signs leading up to it. Then you’ll get angry. And that anger will fuel you to build a better life and “never again”.
I am sorry you’re hurting. It does get better. I promise. My thirties were my absolute favorite decade of my life. I, too, went through a hurtful divorce. I came out stronger than ever. The best is yet to come!!
I’m sorry but for now, it’s time to get a lawyer, and get a good one. Do your research, meet with several, and find the absolute shark. They’ll tell you what to do from there.
I find it hard to believe that your husband 1) isn’t cheating and 2) hasn’t been planning this for awhile.
I know you’re in pain and blindsided, but your husband has a head start on this so that means you need to catch up quickly. Don’t let him know you’re securing a lawyer, let the lawyer start that communication. It’s time for you to think about what’s best for you and the kids, things like keeping the house, getting child support, etc.
For yourself, I highly recommend some therapy. Even for the kids it’ll be helpful. But lawyer first.
The dude is not spending ANY time to see his own children??? He’s an f-ing deadbeat!! No matter WHATEVER happened between you and him, he is supposed to love his children UNCONDITIONALLY!! You are being FAR too nice to your deadbeat STB ex-husband who is abandoning his own damn kids like the complete and total loser he is. Considering ages and when you were pregant (age 20 or before), it sounds like you married a man-child who is afraid of responsibity and got with you for that reason only.
Stop being so nice to him. He’s not a good person.
It sounds like he’s cheating or going through some sort of mental health episode.
Whatever the case, you are not to blame, and I encourage you to seek therapy, reach out to support, and be really kind to yourself through this.
I know this is hard but you need to not wait around for him. The more you sit by like a loving puppy waiting for “hope” the more he’s going to dawdle. If he came back tomorrow, it’d still be too late because it’s broken. I’m not saying it could never ever EVER be repaired, but not anytime soon. I know you’re in shock but honestly try and maintain composure when dealing with him. It’s business time. Kids, finances, split everything up. Keep him out of your sight. He can go have his pathetic midlife crisis elsewhere.
I would go to a divorce, attorney and file for divorce, custody, and child support. Do not leave yourself hanging he clearly abandon the relationship. He may be one of those people that thinks it’s always supposed to flow. Most people that I’ve been married a long time no, that doesn’t happen like that. It doesn’t always flow. So let him go. He’s already shown his hand. It’s a bad hand. Get an attorney move half of your savings into an account. He can’t touch so you have money. And pull your financial life together and move on with your life.
Often these guys come back in a year or two when they realize they made a horrible mistake but then it’s usually too late you’ve moved on
I would bet a week’s pay that there is another woman in the picture and that he is lying to you. I am so sorry.
What you need to do is go see a lawyer, stat. You need to protect yourself and your kids, and ensure that he can’t do things like clean out the bank accounts. Do not wait on this.
In my experience when men act like this it’s because they’re interested in someone else and they want to be free to pursue another relationship. Married men are not used to being alone so they don’t leave to be by themselves. They leave to be with someone else. Often they realize the grass is not greener on the other side and they try to come crawling back. Don’t let him come back. Make sure he knows once the door is shut it’s shut forever. He caused this and now he has to live with it.
Remember this. Most men NEVER leave. They will sit and fester bc they don’t usually like change. Especially if they aren’t being abused or mistreated in anyway. Why leave? They don’t ever walk away bc things don’t ‘feel right’. The only time this happens is when someone new has come into the picture.
Don’t get married at 19 folks.
He is cheating. He can’t tell you the truth. He has found someone else who has chemistry with him and no responsibilities. It’s not you, it’s him. He is married with kids, that’s what adults do. He met someone who he fantasizes about and has no attachments. He can suddenly be an irresponsible 20 something with her. He has all consuming desire for her and what she represents, sowing his wild oats. It’s the 7 year itch… he chose to scratch it rather than turning in to you.
My brother did the same thing at this point, only he had 3 kids. The rest of his life has been a train wreck. He lost interest in raising the kids. He is in his 50s now and estranged from all of his kids for years.
So, you need to focus forward. You need to be age appropriate honest with your kids. They are waiting for him to come home every day and he isn’t. Note: if and when the chick dumps his sorry ass, he will come back. That’s why he is vague about why he has to leave. He doesn’t want you to know the truth, because he wants you as his back plan. If it doesn’t work out with her, he will settle for you.
You need to tell your kids that daddy has decided he doesn’t want to live at home anymore. He loves you kids, but he needs time away to figure things out. He has already taken his stuff and is living somewhere else. So no worries as you and the kids will keep on doing the things you always do. You cannot give him a pass, you have be truthful in an age appropriate way. If you lie to your kids they will eventually find out and they will be angry with you and they will lose trust in you. They need to grieve along with your for the loss of their dad. They know something is wrong, and in the absence of information they will make things up.
Then you need to go see a lawyer ASAP. You need to understand your options and figure out your next steps. You need clarity on the family finances, etc. you don’t want to be left in the lurch because he went and spent all the money on his new chick. You need child support, you need a custody agreement. What if he gets serious and then comes back and takes the kids?? With no custody agreement, he can just take the kids, and you will have to go to court and it could take weeks or months to get them back. The school needs to know to not let him pick them up, etc.
I am sorry all this is happening to you. But you need to pick yourself up and focus on being a momma grizzly bear to your cubs. You need to start protecting yourself and your children. Do talk to a bestie or a trusted family member. Do find a local support group for single parents. Go to their meetings. Do go to a local women’s shelter to get information on lawyers or services for single parents.
Most likely he is having an affair.
Talk to a lawyer ASAP. If there are formal separations in your state do that and get finances settled so he doesn’t just stop paying the mortgage. Set up parenting times.
I am guessing he wants to live a fantasy life with this new affair partner. No kids, no bills, no stress.
Tell his family what is going on. Put some sunshine on his actions.
Don’t lie to your kids but don’t disparage their dad either.
“I don’t know when Dad is coming home but we can call him.”
You need to call up a divorce attorney ASAP. He’s clearly cheating, no loyal person acts like this. Blind side him with divorce papers and follow through. Get your child support!
He married you when you were 19, and now that you’ve aged and had hos children he’s likely looking for another 19yo. Who hasn’t had his children yet.
It’s not you.
It’s him.
He met someone else. He’s testing his life with new woman and no wife/kids.
Please call a divorce lawyer and move on with your life. You do not want him back.
He’s probably gay.