As the title says!
Recently I (41M) accidentally discovered my wife (36F) watches porn. Nothing sinister about it, she’d left a tab open and my youngest had been messing around with her phone. Managed to grab phone, close said tab and restore my youngest’s Minecraft game. I mentioned it to my wife and she said she was drunk and horny one night. No problem! We’ve all been there! Obviously just remember to close your tabs! Anyway, fast forward a couple of weeks and I had to borrow her phone, she gave me it and I opened it with another tab left open! Numpty! It appears it’s her weekly thing, bottle of wine and wank on a Friday to double penetration and fisting porn! I asked her if she would like to watch it together and she wasn’t up for that.
Anyway, last night I walked in on her in a compromising position with her fist and vibrator whilst she was filming herself. Pretty dexterous! I pretended I didn’t see she was filming herself and joked about catching her in the act and would she like me to leave her to it?!
She’s never actually sent me a video of herself and I’ve certainly no reason to think she’s sent anything to anyone else given how open she is with letting people use her phone.
We have a reasonably good sex life even after 18 years, 4 kids and both working full time.
My questions are though; should I tell her I know she films herself or should I just keep quiet as I wouldn’t want to embarrass her? Is filming yourself fairly common these days? I’d like to get involved, but it doesnt seem like she wants me to. Is this something she just wants for herself? I guess im just looking for people’s opinions before i open my mouth!
Thanks in advance!!
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**Update**
Thank you for all the replies!! So many varying opinions!!!
I’ve asked her about it and after a little embarrassment, she opened up and said, like some alluded to, she’s just exploring something new. Fair play to her! We got things out in the open and she did say that she’s been feeling body conscious after having kids and that the videoing thing is just her way of dealing with it and in her words “getting more comfortable in her skin”. I’ll be honest, I don’t entirely get that, but that’s her journey not mine. I think it’s one of them where it doesn’t matter how many compliments I pay her, until she feels confident, they don’t mean much, if that make sense?!
Obviously asked her if she’s been sending vids to other people and she said “no” as expected and quite frankly I’ve no reason to think that she has. I could snoop through her phone, but what’s the point? I’m not like that and if she was up to anything then I doubt she would be so willing to let others including me have access to it.
I can’t imagine that there are many more awkward conversations you can have with someone, but at least it’s out in the open and we move on. She did say she’d send me vids from now on and that I can join in. But still won’t watch porn with me!? After 18 years, I’ll never figure women out!
37 comments
You should ask her about it, if you don’t mind it and like it you should tell her to send you the video to your phone. You should ask her if she’s into it and maybe you could record the both of you and get involved together.
In terms of the question about filming oneself. Yes, a lot of people are into it. It’s a kink and can be really exciting.
I think the best approach as to not put her on the spot and possibly have her close off is to open the conversation about kinks in general. This is obviously a kink of hers that she hasn’t shared with you. I personally think that it’s fine to have kinks that you don’t want your partner involved in, but I think it’s usually healthy if they at least know about it. There are kink quizzes that can help you open up the conversation.
Bdsmtest.org asks you a bunch of questions and then gives almost like a sexual personality. Mojoupgrade.com has you both answer questions about things you want and only reveals to each other the things that you both say. There are others too. It sounds like you have at least pretty good communication so I think this is the best strategy rather than trying to shoehorn yourself into s specific thing that she may or may not be ready to let you into yet.
It wouldn’t be surprising if she’s posting herself on Reddit or other places for a thrill. It’s fairly common now a days for bored housewives to be posting themselves on social media anonymously and getting a rush out of reactions.
Talk to her and find out. If that’s what is going on, you could turn it into couples play.
It could be as innocuous as filming herself for her own pleasure. But let’s be honest, the probability of her filming to send a video to someone else isn’t low.
Nah I’d keep quiet. Find out if she has an onlyfans account or if she is sending them to other guys
If you let on you know she will stop and you won’t find out any more info.
Funny how you never knew she did these things then after 18 years you find out. That’s a lot of secrecy. I mean where’s the communication? Etc. There is no trust there.. she is hiding it from you and you need to find out why.
It’s a bit of a tricky one.
Were you aware of her interest in DP and fisting?
That in itself is fine if you weren’t, she might be embarrassed about it.
I’d be concerned about the filming though.
If it was me, I’d definitely not tell her you know about the filming yet.
I would gently broach the fisting/DP topic and reassure her about it and maybe try then broadening the conversation to kinks in general. Give her the opportunity to bring up the filming.
If she doesn’t I would be quite concerned. I’ll probably get downvoted for this, but I’d do some light snooping.
Maybe check the fisting sub Reddit’s etc and see if any of her videos are up there. I’d just be concerned that she was cheating in some form. Personally I’d need to rule that out.
Same as always, fucking communicate!!
Next time she leaves a tab open check and see maybe it’s her? Also that Line about watching together. “She wasn’t up for that” had me dying.
Am I high or does it seem like @askarie8020 is a wee bit too defensive of the wife?
That video is for someone.
This kind of sounds like she’s exploring her sexuality, not like anything in terms of cheating or creating content for Onlyfans. The filming in particular is something that kind of suggests to me that she wants to feel desirable. Personally, I’d say don’t confront her about the filming. Start a more general conversation about your sex life and what you both want. If she wants you to be part of her activities at some point, it’s better to let her decide when and if she wants that. If she doesn’t, then that’s fine too. Once you’ve got a good conversation going, then might be a good time to ask her about that. Don’t assume the worst, like some of the comments have, and don’t put on pressure. An open conversation is the way to go here, especially if you lead with your feelings about your sex life.
“Pretty dexterous!” 💀
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If after 18 years you just recently discovered that she watches porn and she’s never brought it up on her own is kinda weird? There’s always the possibility that she has a thing for filming herself or that she was curious about how she looks from a different perspective, which in that case she likely deleted the video after. However, there’s also the possibility that these videos are being sent out to some place or person.
If you don’t suspect her of cheating then you could always ask her about it in a non-confronting manner. The problem is that in the slight chance of her cheating, asking her will result in the same answer and you’ll never know unless there’s a shift in how she acts around you. Personally if I suspected someone, I would look through the phone and try to look for any hidden apps, secrets, etc. Just because she’s open to letting you use her phone doesn’t necessarily mean that she can’t hide things on the phone. Many people will call this method toxic, but in my opinion it’s sort of a grey area.
I film myself to use for masterbation later bc I rarely enjoy the porn I watch. On several occasions, I’ve filmed myself with all intentions to send to my guy but I chickened out. 😅 I can be a little shy with sex, especially new sexual activities
If she is giving you access to her phone check her sent emails
Before you try to talk to her about it, you need to get as many details as you can. Start by asking her questions that you already know the answer to. This will establish if she’s telling you the truth, and if she does try to lie to you, it shows her there’s no point in trying to lie to you.
For fuck sake people, be honest and open with your partners! Just talk to her about it. Reddit won’t help you dude.
I find it highly unlikely that she’s filming herself for her own pleasure.
Yea… if she doesn’t want you involved in it, films herself doing it, and has never sent it to you…
I have bad news for you bud.
No advice OP but I wanted to say good job on anticipating your wife’s feelings of embarrassment and protecting those feelings, and sounding generally positive and supportive of the situation.
I’d be asking what the filming is for. I don’t film myself masturbating. That’s just me getting mine. The only exception would be if I’m doing it for someone, like my wife while we’re apart.
I’d have to guess she’s either sharing with someone, or anonymously sharing with everyone by posting it somewhere. Either case, that’s a breach of commitment to me, without some discussion first. Basically cheating if it’s a boundary for someone, and that wasn’t discussed with you…
I’d be asking where the recordings go.
I had an ex who loved filming herself and watching it later.
It was a huge turn on for her & it was completely innocent.
I like your approach here, OP!
Shes making it for someone else, that’s why she won’t share it with you.
Re: your edit
It probably seems stupid to you, but if she’s self conscious, she probably doesn’t want to watch porn with you because she doesn’t want you to think you’re more turned on by the women on screen than her or that you’re comparing her.
for your update and wondering why she won’t watch porn with you this is my answer (maybe not hers i can’t say but just my experience)
watching porn with your boyfriend is awkward. for me it was always just awkward and made me feel self conscious. the porn i watch is also something that is kind of private and sharing it is awkward and uncomfortable. then you’re dealing with the fact that he’s watching the screen and not you which is awkward, or worse he’s watching you not the screen and that for me is even more awkward. porn for me is much more enjoyable solo, and if i have the option to just be with someone else (even just mutual masturbation) that’s wayyyyyy more fun than watching porn.
The tabs of porn that you closed in her browser..
Recognize any furniture in the background?
She cheating..
Just don’t be naive. Anyone can cheat. Even after years. Just protect yourself
just here to say i love how trusting and healthy this post is. no “how dare she” or “why won’t she just do what i think she should” as you tend to find in most posts by men about their partners, just “hey she did this thing and it’s cool but how do i not make her feel uncomfortable when i approach it”. i love it i hope good things come to u
I don’t have any advice, but I did read this entire things in Mark Lewis’s voice. So there’s that.
Walking in on my ex intensely masturbating after she thought I had gone to work was one of the sexiest experiences of my life. As she started to climax I walked in and started stoking my cock as I locked eyes with her. I don’t think either of us has ever cum so hard since.
As you mention in your update, she films herself as a way of dealing with her body image.
There have been multiple studies and there are multiple exercises prescribed by professionals that deal with body image in a similar way. Dr. Emily Nagoski (well know for her book Come As You Are, highly recommended for you both) prescribes that you stand in front of a mirror daily, as nude as you are comfortable with, and name the things that are positive about your body. There are 23 hours and 55 minutes in a day where you can also see the negative, but in these 5 minutes you must only focus on the positive.
Some studies show that looking at regular naked bodies, breasts, penisses or vulva’s makes you less selfconscious and more self accepting.
Your partner is exploring ways to deal with her changed body and that’s great. Your compliments are certainly welcome, but this is a journey that she does need to do herself (with all your support of course). Keep in touch with each other and keep the conversation open and you’ll be alright!
I have also been married for 18 years. I would never watch porn with my husband. The type of porn I watch is messed up and something I would never want to do. He has learned that I watch that type of porn and that it’s for me, not for him.
She’s sending them to others if your turely want to delude yourself fine but it’s happening
Maybe she has an onlyfans
Honestly it’s hot to film yourself. I’ve done it and not sent it to anyone. She might be a exhibisionist.