Men who grew up without a father, how did that impact your life?

40 comments

  2. No idea how to be a dad really. No grandparent for them. Feel like I’m winging it. No idea how to have “talks”. Not sure how to instill confidence as no one did for me. It’s learn as you go. Not sure if anyone knows these things for certain but I imagine guys with good dads at least have somewhat of a blue print. Struggle with patience to teach things. Made me kind of a loner as I’m used to figuring things out for myself since forever.

    Btw, he’s not dead, just didn’t meet him till my 20s as he signed away his rights to me when I was born. I found him. Tried to have relationship but it was very one sided. Always inviting myself over, etc. He shows no interest or remorse or regrets missing my life. More important to me now is my kids loss. I could go on as there’s much more but those are things off the top of my head in a minute here.

  3. I don’t know how to confront anyone calmly. I don’t talk it out like a man, I just argue and I wish I’d learned better confrontation skills from a dad.

  4. 53, married 24 years, never divorced, father of exceptional sons 16/13.

    my own father left my mother when I was early elementary and became NC for me when I was in uni.

    big concern for me since my teens was how to be a good partner and father. basically primed and prioritized me to heal, improve and constantly consume and execute in prep for these roles.

    without a ounce doubt, every other aspect of my life has been in support of these two hopes and now having the benefit of some hindsight, it’s fair to say that I’ve been killing it.

    I set the bar.

  5. It effected me massively after he died I shut myself away from the world and broke off all emotional connection originally I thought I handled it well but looking back I just ate and ate and ate. I never learned how to clean my foreskin because I never learned it was even supposed to come back.

    The obesity as a child I’m sure has made sure my dick didn’t grow properly which has led to a massive wave of insecurity that drowns me every day. I’m too screwed up to ever form a proper relationship even if my dick were a decent size and my life is a total joke honestly I wish I didn’t exist or could somehow trade my life for someone else’s who wouldn’t waste it.

    On top of all that the people at my crappy job have been making remarks about size so I think they’ve sussed my size out which just makes me feel much better about everything.

  9. none. some may believe father can have benefit on a kid’s development but certain fathers can cause arrested development because of not allowing their kids to actually grow up. my father was not such toxic person yet the divorce happened mostly because my father not feel being loved by mother and my mother being too toxic lol. still living without my mother wouldn’t make any difference to me anyway because technically my mother mostly worked at hospital so you can consider I didn’t grow up with a parent yet I mostly had to deal with my toxic older brothers and it was basically waste of time

  10. 45 years old, have 3 daughters. Dad was an alcoholic. Not the violent or abusive kind, just led him to a lot of troubles. Mom left him when I was 3 or 4, ok guy at heart.

    Then had an abusive stepfather from 2nd grade to 4th.

    How did it all affect me?

    It made me want to be a good dad to my kids. To be the father I never had. I did struggle as a teenager, but got through it.

    Eventually when divorcing, I got full custody of my kids, and I continued raising them to be independent, empowered people/women.

    One needs to deal with their demons and move past them to be able to do good in the world.

    While that’s a quick summation of my experience, perfectly willing to discuss any of it at length(it’s good to be in touch and understand your feelings).

  11. I don’t think it impacted my life in any negative way. My mom had to work harder so that we could be okay financially but she seems to enjoy working and is passionate about what she does so win-win I guess?

    I have never met my father, my mom wasn’t interested in finding a man, she just wanted a child. I grew up to become a professional ballet dancer, and I’m quite confident in my masculinity. Sometimes I wonder if having a father around would make me question if ballet is a worthy career for a man, if I would have my masculinity questioned by him. There’s no way to know whether he would have been supportive or toxic.

  13. He passed before the major growing years of my life but honestly my family was better for it.
    As for me, I have pretty bad daddy issues and tend to have partners that either validate or mimic the issues (militarized household until he died when I was 13, loud aggressive partners, narcissistic partners, and being given a caretaker type of role). I learned to take care of my family, but these are the men that I generally fall for (I’ve also been in relationships with women who were the same way). I am very protective of my mom and sisters as a result. But once you have an angry man in your life for a bit, if you don’t anymore, you will either wait for one or find one to invite into yours.
    I also didn’t learn any of the traditional masculine things like fixing stuff or cars. But I learned an insane amount from my mom. I have the upmost respect for women, am able to talk things out calmly, and don’t drink for a reason.

  14. It was tough not having support for the quintessentially masculine things (shaving, girls,etc). However, I created one in my mind that was composed of qualities I liked from TV personalities. In my case, it was Tim Allen, Bob Villa, Denzel Washington, Carl Winslow, Uncle Phil,etc..

    However, although I didn’t have a full-time father. I always “had one” when I needed one throughout my childhood.

  15. I learned some about being a man and some ideas about fathering from my grandfather, whom I was around. It wasn’t that Dad was entirely absent, but he was around maybe a few days every several months (sometimes more than a year). It really affected my feelings of value, and when I found out my son was coming, I tried to work things out with my now ex-wife, because I am determined to be there for him. When we divorced, I got fully shared custody of him, and being present with and for him and my daughters (second marriage) is a top life priority right now. I think I’m a better man and a better father because I saw what I didn’t want to be and actively chose to be different.

  16. I could of used his help in dealing with confrontation. Besides that, I kind of think that I was better off without him. He’s a great guy, just not a guy that I aspire to be.

  17. It didn’t cause I never met him I for sure knew what standards I’d provide for my own child as a parent when that time came and learned from watching other parents my own mom as well to put them in practice my self and better those things but even those things can never be perfected there’s always something to learn and that itself is impactful

  20. I’m not sure… I wish I had a really good dad around and I’m a little bit resentful about what things I missed out on and problems I might have because of it, but I’m also really thankful I didn’t have a bad dad around and the problems that might have caused.

  21. I’m 50 years old now so I’ve come to terms with it but as a young man, it had an impact on me. I didn’t have a strong male roll model so I didn’t know how to act or react in certain situations. Was kind of trial and error, mostly error lmao.
    Was about my mid 20’s when I started to learn and figure things out. It made me realize exactly how I wasn’t going to be and how important being present is. I knew what kind of father I was going to be for sure.

    Have a magnet on my refrigerator from when my kids were younger. It says “Best dad ever”

    This is irrefutable evidence that I am indeed the best damn dad on planet earth.

    All kidding aside, being a good father was a lesson that my absent father gave me. I am greatful for that, I love you dad, wherever you are, you dumb son of a bitch lmao.

    If you are worried for yourself as to what kind of man you may be. Please realize that good lessons can come from bad situations. And don’t hold a grudge or dwell on negative emotions. Your true self, is good. Humans at their core are good. Follow your heart, treat people well and you will be fine, I promise.

  22. My father left before I was born and didn’t really have much to do with my life until my daughter was born. Winged it through fatherhood and realized that being a dad has nothing to do with the failures of your own father.

  23. I did lots of alpha male stuff, then joined the military. I was angry and violent for most of my youth. I had to teach myself the skills most guys learn from their Dads. I quit drinking at 32 and am now 66. I believe and most people agree that I am a good man. My mom taught me lots. Been with my wife 34 years and raised 2 daughters. I dont know how I would have raised boys but I did well with the girls.

  24. I feel that I didn’t have guidance of a father figure when it came to dating. Like I’m a decent person but never learned the extra stuff you do so you can convey feelings to a person. I’m just learning these things now in my mid 20s.

  25. I don’t care too much about “manly” topics. Cars, sports, outdoors. Practically, my dads whole being, he loves that stuff, but he wasn’t there my whole life and when he talks about these things, I couldn’t care less.

  26. You wouldn’t make mac and cheese without the mac or without the cheese. You can make a bad mac and cheese sure, but if one of those two ingredients is missing you have different dishes.

    Some side dishes can step up to cater for what’s missing. You may be surrounded by several other mains, but there comes a point where the mac and cheese has to be a main without any backup options and without any references or proper guides how can you possibly be the dish that is ecpected.

    I mean sure some people are vegan, some people are lactose intollerant but on the other I woildn’t want the finsl say on how bacon tastes to be coming from a vegan.

    All this to say, without the reference of a father and if you don’t have the benefit of active males in your immediate family you will find multiple daily tasks far harder than they should be because you aimply don’t have that knowledge.

  27. Lost mine in my late teens I feel like the only thing it made me do is work harder, I try to live every day knowing that whatever I do I would have made him proud. I feel like he’s always watching over me

  28. I had to teach myself how to shave, talk to girls, apply for a job, drive, and manage money.

    At least my mom gave me a very religious version of THE TALK.

  29. Eat the fruit, spit out the seeds.

    It’s a major disadvantage, it needlessly breaks a lot of boys and holds you back from manhood.

    That said, boys who find the path to manhood end up as some of the best men I know. But it holds you back, like not growing up in privilege (which is often times linked.)
    It’s a chronic pathogen for those who experience it, requiring exhausting, albeit rewarding, diligence.

  30. I’m weak. I give up easily. Sometimes I don’t even wanna bother trying cause “I will fail anyway, not gonna touch it.”

    I think not having a dad plus mother telling me since I was a child “don’t fight back, ignore it” made me fucking useless.

    My self esteem is at negative values, never had gf, don’t know how to be social, I’m afraid to start things, i fear girls (although I believe this is because a different reason than not having a father).

    So yeah, it’s quite horrible

  31. Mostly just a bunch of resentment for him. Little bit of resentment to my siblings for still accepting him.

  32. Divorced, He was around but not that involved. Mom marries Abusive Alcoholic Stepdad

    One thing I always remembered, in middle school I was made fun of for having a “dirt stash” because no one ever taught me how to shave.

    One day my mother and older sister come back from the grocery store and they gave me a razor and shaving cream and shoved me in the bathroom.

    I’m looking at myself in the mirror and thought “ok I’ve seen this done on TV shows, before so I’ll just do what it looks like they’re doing.”

    It went ok, and from then on I basically thought “well I probably really don’t need him for anything, I can figure things out along the way.”

    I’m 37 making $160k depending on the year, never married and no kids but I still hold my own in the dating world, so I think im doing ok.

    But I have a coworker a few years older than I am who’s an amazing father, so actively involved in all three of his kids lives. School, sports, ATV riding, whatever.

    Sometimes I wonder how I would’ve turned out if I had someone like that.

  35. I was a very shy and scared kid. Turned into an extremely angry and bitter teenager which carried over until I was about 21. I think my mom raised me as best she could, but there was clearly just a giant hole in my life that my dad left that she just couldn’t fill, and no one else really could. Being a self taught man, it just doesn’t feel normal, doesn’t feel right. But I know for sure I’m still 10 times the man he is because I’d never abandon my family.

  36. Made me very resentful towards my mother in the beginning when I was young. Now I kind of look at it as what could’ve been. Sometimes I feel like I could’ve been a better man if I grew up with a father. Unfortunately right now I’m 24 years old and having a rough time dealing with life right now. Lost and unsure what direction I want to go.

  37. well, not technically fatherless but mise well have been.

    home 3-4 days out of the month (he was a truck driver). When he was home he was a drunken twat. Abusive both verbally and physically. the few times he wasn’t a drunken fuck, or abusive, we was always working on something he didn’t want any of us a part of. like we where an inconvenience to him. mess like that.

    So how did it impact my life?

    Made me a better father to my own kids. i told myself i would not be like him and be there for my kids and be involved with what they have going on. include them, teach them life lessons, show them new things and speak honestly to them. Basically it has let me relive what i wanted my childhood to be through my kids.

    that the best i got for now because to this day i’m still not overly fond of either of my parents and truth be told, if either passed away right now, would i be upset, maybe a little but nothing would change in my day to day life.

  39. It was rough. I had to learn a lot on my own and much later than I should have. I have trouble relating to other men around me, as I’m not interested in a lot of typical masculine things. My mental health is horrible and I don’t handle it well. Zero confidence and low self esteem, and much more emotional than other men around me. My mom did her best, but she focused more on my sister. By the time someone did try to step up and offer me guidance, I was far too angry and filled with self hatred to listen.

  40. So I grew up with a father but after my sexual assault when I was a little kid our relationship drew apart. It wasn’t him who sexually assaulted me to be clear. We still do things together but it wasn’t like it use to be. I miss those days. I never really had a father figure in my life or male role model. Oh well I guess it is what it is.

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