I saw someone make a post the other day about their wife needing to shower before sex. Mine wife’s “rule” is she basically has to take a bath before sex.
She doesn’t require me to take a shower right before sex, but i do out of respect since she’s clean and it opens up more things… plus what else am i supposed to do while she’s in the bath for an hour. If we’re not clean I don’t expect her to go down on me, and likewise i may not go down on her. I’ll finger her, use toys, etc.
The part that bothers me is her bath’s are long, like it’s a 90 minute ordeal from starting the bath to being done (dryed/dressed/whatever). Due to life, our jobs, our pets, etc they don’t happen until late. There’s a greater than 50% chance by the time she’s done with her bath one of us (about 50% her, 25% me, 25% both of us) will be too tired and just want to go to sleep afterwards. Which usually results in me going downstairs and jerking off.
Quickies rarely happen, maybe a few times a year. And we’ve had sex once in the last 6 weeks… I’m just sexually frustrated.
To preemptively answer some common questions on these threads: We both work full time jobs, no kids, 4 pets. She has a local government job, i own my own company. We both have household responsibilities that frankly i do about 2/3 and she does about 1/3, because she can’t manage doing more. We both work from home 90% of the time. Her job is stressful for her, but she puts in her 8 hours 5 days a week and she’s done. I often work more like 10 hours and put in weekend hours, and still do my share of house work. Sometimes my work stress bleeds over into real life (during our prime season which is about 3-4 months out of the year), but i feel like hers bleeds over all the time. And frankly her workplace is one of the healthiest workplaces i’ve ever seen. I think her “cup” for dealing with stress is just very small compared to mine. Which is why i pick up more household chores.
I think her bathroom routine is her way of de-stressing and getting in the mood, probably to feel sexy since she is self conscious about her weight/body, i just wish it wasn’t an hour and a half experience for her.
I know this is more of a rant, but i’d love any help/advice.
34 comments
Sounds like she has responsive desire. Could you suggest exploring different ways to help her unwind, like giving her a massage? There are lots of things to try that aren’t so time intensive. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all here.
I assume Molly isn’t an option…
This might be a silly question, but have you talked to her about how this is bothering you?
Are you giving her foreplay? I feel like that is typically how I relax before sex and if my partner just tries to stick it in, it can be hot sometimes, but I would get tired of it really quick if he never took the time to get me wet and turned on. If you are not giving her foreplay, then maybe that’s what she’s doing in the bathtub honestly lol.
So the two most obvious possibilities you want to eliminate here are that A. she finds sex with you to be so undesirable or so bad and lackluster that she has to masturbate beforehand in order to be able to tolerate humoring you and B. she finds sex with you to be so undesirable that she’s actively putting as many barriers as possible between her and having sex with you so that it happens less and less often.
How does she act when you talk to her about sex or about how long she takes in the bath? If it’s bristly or cagey, that’s a pretty bad sign, for instance.
Outside of your sexually dysfunctional relationship, does she even seem to like you or want to spend time around you?
Talk to your wife. tell her what you told us.
So it’s not uncommon to want to be clean before and/or after sex. A 90 minute bath seems a little excessive and almost like she’s putting a time barrier between you and her with sex.
Have you asked ever tried to join her in the bathtub? That’s a great way to connect with your partner.
Is she taking such a long bath to masturbate instead of having sex? Is she working herself up to have sex with you and then just working herself tired? Have you talked to her about this?
It could be a phase, it could be that she’s having issues communicating with you too.
I wish you luck.
Let your wife have her “everything bath”. I do this once every two weeks for myself and omg does it feel amazing after. I feel soft, agreeable, and calm after.
But Id encourage her to start it earlier. Like right at 6pm since you guys don’t have kids.
Since you guys work from home, if possible, keep your “work” in a separate room, especially out of the bedroom. It’s harder to leave work at “work” when it permeates your physical home space.
Is it possible she doesn’t even know how long she is taking? After a little while can you respectfully interrupt and try to engage in foreplay while she is in the tub? ( not every time but once in a while) I saw you said the tub is too small for both of you, maybe come in in and flirt…wow, wish I could get in there with you. You look so good right now. Want your shoulders rubbed while you’re in there? Then kiss her neck or whatever while rubbing her shoulders. Show some interest
We’re very similar- wife needs a bath before sex. I don’t like late night sex – why wait until the end of the day when you’re most tired.. I know work etc. So we moved to scheduled sex, which is typically twice on the weekend. All other days are solo time for me.
If you haven’t discovered your prostate yet you might consider it. There’s a learning curve of weeks/months for most, but IMO it’s worth the effort – like unlocking the next couple of levels in the video game called “wow, that feels good!”
r/prostateplay 🥰
Mood killer!
The whole bath and shower thing is weird to me (46f). When we want to have sex , we have sex. I understand it’s a personal preference for some but the 90 min thing is really weird. Has your wife tried counseling? Do you guys ever watch porn ? Does she ever initiate?
Sounds like she’s a princess that doesn’t want to pull her own weight in life and the relationship.
This is probably one of the least self centered and measured posts about this I’ve seen in a while. I can see that you care a great deal about her well being and know her very well. So thank you for that.
Sounds like there’s a lot here. I’d start by telling her this if you haven’t already. Is she enrolled in any type of therapy??
I think she is using bath as a pretense to slow down or kill the mood. Maybe she is not into sex anymore. Having sex once in the past 6 weeks sounds like the cleanest and holiest sex ever.
Firstly hays off for doing more work than her and recognizing she just can’t do more. I know how hard that can be. I also know the more you do the less likely she is to learn to adapt.
If it takes her 90 minutes to get there but she does I guess that’s ok. You have to pick your battles. But yah…90 minutes in the bath is a freaking long time, that’s some escapism or masturbation going on 😂
Have you read “Come as you are” by Emily Nagoski? If not, it will help either this relationship you’re in or the next one. There are two parts to this.
That said, I’m not so ignorant to assume that you’ve given us yours or her entire perspective in the few paragraphs you wrote, and I’m more than willing to give you both a lot of leeway.
With that, You need to understand all of the things that may make her not want to engage in sex, and she needs to understand how she’s making you feel. I’m sure she has her reasons, the same as you have your desires. Both can be valid free of guilt, but a conversation is what connect the two. If she is deflecting, hear her, but your feelings are still valid. Say, “I love and respect you and how you feel, but that doesn’t address my feelings. I love you, but if I’m coming to you with an issue, you can’t belittle it by overshadowing it with your own that you’ve never brought up before this.”
Install a bidet, so your genitals are always clean and fuck ready.
Grab a glass of wine and get in with her?
Based on your description of the divisions of labour around the house, her deflection when you bring it up, her body image issues, her codependency issues, it sounds like your wife might benefit from solo therapy to work through her anxiety, self-worth, low motivation, and executive dysfunction.
Is hiring a therapist something you all can feasibly afford/ make time for? Also, and this might be more difficult, what if you offered up two of the cats? You say you don’t have kids as if FOUR (4) cats isn’t a massive commitment.
It sounds like she loves you and still yearns physical intimacy, but just has some personal issues to battle. Maybe also, get therapy for yourself too maybe? It might not help but who knows
Have you asked to join her? Wash her back? Rub her feet? Make the bath part of foreplay?
Obviously she needs the transition time to feel ready for sex, which is totally fine and understandable. I’d focus on ways that you can be involved during that transition (I saw that the tub isn’t big enough for both of you but liked someone else’s suggestion about drawing the bath for her or doing other things for her), ways you can speed up the transition, or alternate ways to transition to sex. Reading Come As You are is a great idea.
r/Deadbedrooms and r/HLCommunity.
Both subs are for people struggling with a mismatch in libido in their relationship.
Sorry you’re struggling.
im always fascinated by couples who leave the room to masturbate. is it considered rude to do it in front of your partner? does it keep the other person awake? what is the reason?
All the comments seem to be about how you need to give her space, let her have this, give her that…what does she do for you? She should be putting effort into the relationship as well. And be putting some effort into your pleasure. Sex once every six weeks with someone you live with and you don’t even have kids is not a romantic relationship. And from one of your comments it sounds like you have to be on egg shells around her. Was this an issue before you got married or only after?
I’ll tell something that might not be welcome, but that’s my point of view from what I’ve lived with. Please people, don’t judge me badly: that’s MY experience and I’m not planning to trigger or offend anyone
First: there’s a big chance that she was always like this during the earlier parts of your relationship. If she was, you should have addressed this earlier. Addressing this now will only cause stress. That doesn’t mean a bad thing, but it’s stressful until it resolves
Second: it might be a sign of some mental disorder, like OCD, PTSD, etc. Maybe there’s something to do about it in this way. You won’t look for medical help with this behavior that YOU judge that is bad: maybe there’s something else around this behavior that could be the lead (unnatural beliefs, intense fears, problems with sleep, substance abuse, intense sadness, anxiety attacks, fear of contamination, etc)
Third: if things lead to a dead bedroom, I’m not very optimistic. My problem only ended when I understood that my ex wife had a serious mental disorder that she decided to leave without treatment (drug addiction + borderline personality disorder) and we divorced. Then, I found closure and happiness with my life and existence
Sorry for anyone that might have felt judged or triggered. I’m taking with my honest experience
She probably hoping you’ll be passed out when she’s out
A local government job where she works from home…so she works about 1 hr a day and gets stressed
I just wanted to comment on the last bit you wrote about her trying to get in the mood and feel sexy. I know for myself, If I have in my mind that I’m going to do it, wash myself nicely, etc, you best believe I’m getting some. If she’s putting 90 mins of effort with 50% of it being null, then I don’t think that’s her end goal.
Biggest thing is to talk to her- I found scheduling really helps because I can prepare in advance and have it in my head, and no one gets disappointed.
Check out Susan Bratton’s “Revive Her Drive”
Might give you some ideas to get her interested in sex again.
As far as counseling, meh…. One type that did change my relationship was Emotionally Focused Therapy. *Not the tapping technique.
My wife is often similar. She goes in to the bath and reads and forgets time is passing. Last night being a good example. The difference appears to be that she doesn’t necessarily need it and we often have quicker sex at other times. Interestingly though on those bath days and I set up the room and toys often end up in the best orgasms for her….perhaps ask her to cut it down to an hour and promise a nice time 😉
I agree with many other comments here so I hope you find luck with a few of the suggestions!
Sometimes I just lose track of time or the concept of someone waiting on me.
Is joining her for a bath an option? Or coming in the bathroom halfway after she’s all personally clean and giving her a neck massage over the edge? This might trigger the start of sexy time sooner than if she was just left to her own devices. I’d prob die if I was in this situation and my husband came in to tell me everything around the house has been done and now all he needs is my soft body in bed.
You could also warm a towel in the dryer and bring it in, it’ll just get cold if she takes too much longer.
Maybe a specific bath playlist for her so she can track time better and make a routine of it?
Just ideas!
exercise 45 min (testosterone up, plus get fit)
take a 20 min nap (recharge)
shower 10 min
talk LOVINGLY to your wife. or if she’s still in there, join her and maybe start the session inside the bathroom and move to bed later.
if you smoke weed and she doesn’t, you can do a hit before shower.
a lot can be done in 90 min !!
in case it didnt happen … you can still jerk off, high.
I hate bath tubs when I remodel my bath I got rid of the tub and extended the shower area and got a nice hot tub so we both can enjoy long times in the tub .
I know when I feel bad about my body my desire to have sex is basically 0. And usually when I’m feeling negative about my body, it’s when my anxiety is at its worst. Is that something she’s considered? It sounds like she gets anxious or overstimulated easily, but obviously hard to diagnose.
I saw below you said that you have to dance around topics, but Idk I think I would try to be more upfront. But all the while emphasize every time that it is the most normal thing in the world to have a sex drive different than your partner’s