Sigh.
I don’t know anything about onlyfans, other than it’s a porn site. I’ve done more and more reading and from what I understand, it’s a paid for subscription of porn that can be from other people. It is likely that people chat directly with the sex worker.
I never thought I’d be here asking this, but where do I go from here in regards to asking him questions. I found this out right as my husband was leaving for work tonight, and showed him. I opened both of our credit card statements as they are the last ones before our new cards from a different company come in the mail. I assumed it was a faulty charge, but then realized as the list was long with multiple only fans chargeas,, that it was real and his face changed. I did NOT want to talk to him, although he wanted to talk about it. I need some time to think. He’s never wanted me looking at his phone or credit card statements, and now I know why.
Porn is whatever, but the more I read about this potentially being more of an emotionally attached back -and – fourth, I am very upset and uncomfortable.
He never does anything out of the way, or nice for me. He never asks for sex. Seems like he’d rather pay random women and it breaks my heart. I don’t have enough info at this point but I just feel nothingness.
Please help me with next steps. Thank you so much.
5 comments
You have to tell him all you’re telling us in your second to last paragraph.
What makes OF worse is, as you say, the interaction. In that respect, paying for the OF of a ultra famous porn stars won’t get much real interaction. Instead, paying for interaction for a fairly unknown person or someone geographically near are IMO far worse offenses.
You are right to feel upset but from what I understand there is a whole spectrum of options on OnlyFans that range from nothing worse than watching porn to having extensive interactions with the performers…its also unlikely he’s done anything physical with a performer on OF just as he wouldn’t have that option with any pornstar…IMHO going on only fans is no worse than going to a strip club for a friend’s bachelor party — unless he is establishing some deeper connection with the actress. Mind you I’m not condoning it, just giving a comparison.
It would have been better if you confronted him and made him show you all of his interactions and subscriptions immediately. Now its possible he’ll have time to cover his tracks. That said you need to calmly tell him all of your feelings and that he owes you a full and unedited account of what he has been doing on there — and if you find out later there were glaring omissions then its over.
I am sorry that you are going through this.
While I have only heard of Only Fans and am not familiar with the options others mention, I understand it is more engaging than watching a VHS tape. With that, your boundary is valid. If he understood it and crossed it, you have every right to be upset.
You mentioned that there are some other things going on in your marriage but didn’t go into a lot of detail. So the following might or might not be applicable.
I humbly believe you guys should have a discussion. Communicate. Listen to one another. See where it goes. To keep the conversation from escalating, you might need professional help.
With OF your getting emotionally connected It’s not like selecting a movie. The live stuff is worse in that there’s typically interaction. You need to discuss how often he views and why? Is he addicted?
There is a sub with a great resource library called r/loveafterporn. He may have an addiction and addictions tend to escalate over time. You are probably going through betrayal trauma right now. I’m reading a book currently called the betrayal bind by Michelle Mays that has really helped me.
If you decide to do therapy please find a CSAT or APSAT certified therapist. Not all therapists specialize in this field and you can get some damaging information from well meaning therapists.