hi guys, im looking for advice on a situation that i’ve been going through. Any two cents will do. About 7 months ago I (F22) started a new job (we’re both young corporate professionals working in the same sector) and met this guy (M24) who i felt instantly attracted to. We got on like a house on fire, always trying to impress each other and talking all the time. Everyone around us where we worked would comment that we were flirting, but i never saw it like that because i wanted to keep things professional, but i think we were both too stupid to realise that there was chemistry at the time, or just purposefully being oblivious for the sake of professionalism. He ended up moving to another job because he wanted to work somewhere that made him happier – and i can assure you, there was no “secret motive” behind leaving where we worked.
At his going-away party, we ended up getting together at the end of the night (we were both very drunk, and we kept it pretty PG). Truth be told I thought it would just be a one time thing, even though there were feelings on my end. I just decided to take it that way because I didn’t want to get my own hopes up and disappoint myself. We ended up keeping in touch after he left and our friendship kept growing closer and closer. After a while, I accepted that I had caught feelings. I addressed them and he said to me that he didn’t know how he felt, and we agreed to just stay friends. We would hang out almost 24/7 after that, a lot of very good quality time together. He would also text me all the time. I never tried to initiate anything romantically or physically during that time (or after the first time we had gotten together).
After a few weeks, he ended up kissing me one night when we were hanging out and I asked him how he felt about me. He said he still didnt know. He ended up kissing me a few times after that, I was always too nervous to initiate out of fear of rejection and we still kept hanging out all the time, but sometimes he would treat me like a girlfriend, other times he would treat me like a friend, and it was really confusing for me and I always ended up keeping my guard up and feeling hurt when I’d go home every night.
Truth be told, he’s everything I’m looking for in a partner. I’m not one to pigeon hole people, but its like i ticked a bunch of boxes on a form, submitted it, and out he came through the door.
This past week, I purposefully avoided hanging out with him after work every day to see how I would feel, and I missed him so much. Every. Damn. Day.
Last night, we were hanging out, and everything felt very platonic and I was feeling very on edge about it and upset the whole night. He could tell something was up. At the end of the night i ended up saying to him words to the effect of “look, sometimes we kiss and youre very romantic towards me, other times, nothing, and I don’t know what to take from it. I’m scared that if I ask again, you’re going to tell me the exact same thing you told me last month – that you just don’t know”. In summary, the response I received from him was “look, sometimes i have feelings for you, other times, they’re just not there, and I thought about it since the last time we spoke about it, our goals are aligned, there’s high chemistry and high compatability, but i can’t be what you want me to be. but you cant say i havent tried”. i asked him “how have you tried?”. he responded “by spending so much time with you. thats my love language and how i show that i care and the way i always want to be around you.” I replied to him by saying that i can’t settle for being just friends with him – my feelings havent changed, and this whole time i was scared to act on them, not realising that he was trying and making an effort this whole time.
I feel bad that i didn’t try in return out of fear and im regretting it and feeling that maybe if i had made an effort, things would be different. I feel stupid for not realising thats how he shows he likes someone. Im very used to words of affection and gifts as being the received love language, and im very big on physical touch, but i just feel awful that i was never able to show him i liked him back other than by reflecting his desire for quality time.
Telling him that i can’t settle for being just friends has devastated him. He started crying and told me that i make him feel calm all the time, and that he feels like he can be himself around me which he feels he can’t do with many other people. He said he loves the fact that im genuine. He’s upset because he knows he’s hurt me- which he acknowledged, and he doesn’t want to lose me.
I know myself and its hard for me to stay friends with people I have feelings for. I was willing to give it a go initially on the condition that we just stayed friends earlier in the year, but the waters were muddied and the boundaries were made unclear and now im just confused and hurting. He said he wants to be friends and told me before I left that if i need anything, he’s just a call away. I said I needed space before I came to that decision. I haven’t spoken to him since last night and I just dont know what to do. I miss him. Thoughts? Advice?
TLDR: I was rejected by someone I was friends with then started seeing, he wants to stay friends, but I can’t settle for ‘just friends’. Currently no-contact but I miss him. What do I do/thoughts/advice?
5 comments
I’m not sure no contact counts since last night, but I do think you need a break. Take a week and let things settle and then see. From the outside it seems like he likes you as a friend but also enjoyed the ego boost and played with your feelings a bit.
If he wanted to be just friends he should’ve avoided doing couple stuff he’s clearly toying with your feelings by giving mixed signals all the time. If you want to keep him as a friend set up boundaries preventing him from giving you mixed messages. Otherwise you will only keep getting hurt. Tbh I’d just go no contact after that but you do you. Guys a red flag the way I see it.
You’re ready for a relationship. He is not. Don’t waste your time with someone who isn’t interested in you. He’s made that very clear.
If you want to stay friends. Be friends but strictly platonic. And don’t hang out with him everyday or week. Keep yourself open to date other people.
Checking boxes to everything that’s important to you is great but try to be open-minded; you might surprise yourself. You’re still very young. What you think is important to you at 22 can and probably will change when you reach 30.
Simple. Make yourself unavailable period. He will do one of two things, either realize after a month or so that this relationship means something more to him or he is fine with not being around you.
You will have your answer within a month.
Also, go on another date. Don’t do anything other than spend time with someone because it will show you are “in demand” and also strong enough to move on.
But…. Don’t do anything physical with someone else if you want a chance with said boy friend. Not even a kiss. Just keep it platonic. Pay for your own meal, movie or whatever.
>I said I needed space before I came to that decision.
Yes, you do.
He’s not into you, and you need some time to really internalize that. You are not going to be his girlfriend, he is not going to wake up one day and realize he’s madly in love with you. This is the most you’ll ever get out of him, and it’s not enough.
That really stings, I know. He certainly wasn’t quick to make himself clear. It’s going to be hard to let go of the “what ifs” planted by all those stolen kisses. But let go you must. Missing him will fade and other people will fill the gap.