We have been having a vibrant sex life throughout, my girlfriend recently had a religious awakening and decided no more sex until marriage, we plan to get married in our early 30s. I love her, and I thought I could do it, but I am slowly breaking and I don’t think I can do this anymore. She loves me though and I would feel like a complete jerk for trading love for sex!
33 comments
Sex is important in a relationship for most people. If it is for you, then you might no longer be compatible with her. And I’d wonder what will happen even after marriage. Will her religion convince her that sex is only for making babies so you’ll only get a few chances?
I’d also be worried about what else she might suddenly latch on to and drastically change.
Yes, but to be honest the religious awakening the core reason to break up. The weirdness about sex is just a symptom of the bigger problem.
take a trip over to r/DeadBedrooms . this is likely where youre headed. i hate to be an asshole but situations like this dont normally resolve themselves. IF shes finding excuses now shell find them later. Sex will be only for making babies. no oral. no anal. vanilla, missionary sex for procreating only.
That’s what she’s doing
This is a drastic change in your relationship that you were not consulted on.
If you want to spend the rest of your life with her tell her you are struggling and though she doesn’t need sex for you it is a need. Communicate openly that you don’t know what to do and as the person you want to spend the rest of your life with you need her help going through this. Realistically the best solutions will be regular BJs and/or anal sex.
Ultimately a relationship only lasts if both parties can fulfil their needs so the unconsulted change is a existential risk to the relationship.
I’d be asking what caused the religious awakening?
If you both want to get married why wait till your 30s?
You would see a dusty outline of where I used to be standing.
Spoiler alert: you won’t get any sex after the honeymoon either, until she wants babies, and who knows what else this “awakening” will entail? Consider leaving for your own good, and not tying yourself to a lifetime with a religious maniac because you’re worried about being a jerk.
That is a perfectly reasonable time to end the relationship. When one partner makes a unilateral decision like that about the status of your relationship it’s never a good sign
Put it this way; would you expect her to sacrifice this new religious belief of hers for your sake? If the answer is no, why are you willing to sacrifice yours? She believes sex is something that should be saved until marriage, you do not. So why are you agreeing to it? Why are you staying in a relationship when the two of you are so completely unaligned in values, especially a value that is central to a relationship like this?
Somebody who feels comfortable making a huge and sudden decision for both of you at the drop of a hat is a poor partner
Yes
Good ol bait and switch…. car dealers can’t do it why can she?
You can’t unf@ck someone… she can’t be a virgin again.
Sounds like her religious awakening is pretty dramatic and will effect more than just your sex life. Sometimes people change for the worse and you’re not obligated to stick through that with them. The religion thing would be a deal breaker for me.
Absolutely
Whatever you decide is grounds for breaking up is by definition grounds for breaking up. It could be chews with her mouth open.
Maybe her point should be what you are thinking about first rather than running to Reddit for support. Is she religious awakening the problem. Is it the people around her. What is really going on in her life.
It is not something random that she just decided. There is absolutely a reason behind it.
I would break up 😅
She’s not a virgin anymore, so makes no since to not sex at this point. For me that seems an excuse for her to make u marry her fast
You didn’t sign up for this. For her to spring that on you out of the blue is unfair. She is no longer the person that you thought she was. She doesn’t have to have sex with you if she doesn’t want to but you don’t have to stay with her if you don’t want to. Just be glad that this happened before you married her.
Look at it this way…. if the two of you just started dating and she told you she was waiting for marriage, would you continue dating her?
Hey OP, sorry you’ve ended up in this position. It kinda sucks.
First, I think that it is entirely within her right to decide under what conditions she want to have sex. And it’s entirely within your right to decide if you’re ok with those conditions.
I would be more concerned by the precedent that she has set by unilaterally making a decision that affects both of you, based entirely on a religious awakening. What other decisions has she or will she make completely out of the blue, based on arbitrary religious rules? And are you prepared to navigate that?
If **you** need sex and she is not willing, you are not sexually compatible. This isnt you being a jerk, it is you being realistic. Being a jerk would be thinking you can do this when you cant, get married a few years from now, and then getting divorced or living a miserable life because you were afraid of “how it would look”. Sexual compatibility is a valid thing.
Depending.
If she is 9 digit wealth ($$$.$$$.$$$,-) and hates prenups – ok
In any other case?
Think so.
Runaway
My first marriage, we were both very religious, and we did not have sex till marriage. But we did make out and manually do stuff with each other.
About eight months before we were married, we decided that we weren’t going to do anything more than kissing.
We succeeded, and we didn’t have sex until after we were married. But it stunted our physical intimacy. We didn’t cuddle on the couch, because that was temptation. We didn’t make out anymore. We didn’t kiss or touch very much because we didn’t wanna go down that road of temptation.
We were married seven years, we never learn to unlearn those patterns and habits. We learned in the eight months. It was part of why we divorced.
I would. I couldn’t be with someone if they say no more sex until marriage.
she wants to force you to marry her . weigh your feelings . sex is easy to get , but can you live without her personality ?
What’s more worrisome is that she she has these religious beliefs. You should decide if if her trend continues and it probably will, will this be a problem for your relationship if she gets terribly religious?
*If your girlfriend of two years randomly says no more sex until marriage is that grounds to breakup?*
Yes because she is going to use that as bargaining power throughout your relationship. Get married and she will continue to give you ultimatums that are unfair.
When one partner unilaterally changes the terms of a relationship it shows they are an unfair person. What if you were just to decide that you were going to stop paying rent/mortgage and it was all on her.
I wish I had the link, but one commentor that went through this explained how this stuff goes down. Often people get talked into going to religious retreats. They are intense and high pressure. With aspects that mirror cults and brainwashing. There is a huge amount of pressure and shame put on the attendees to conform to be part of the flock.
She didn’t have an awakening, she was brainwashed. And this can happen with even fairly mainstream religions.
Some people break free, others don’t. You can google up religious brainwashing for an idea on how to deal with it, but she may be lost for a long time.
Lol. Her religious awakening would be more ground for breakup for me than the lack of sex
She’s doing you a favor with a glimpse of her manipulative behavior down the road.
I will refrain from making any judgments about your relationship with her, as I don’t have the full context. From a religious perspective, having grown up in a religious household, I can empathize with where her concerns may be stemming from. Many religious upbringings stress the importance of sexual purity. However, my personal interpretation, even within a religious framework, is that I’d like to reserve my virginity until marriage. This choice is driven by my personal sensitivity to intimacy and the desire to share it with someone with whom I can build a family (not taking sexual intimacy as a sin). I understand that this is a personal choice, and I don’t intend to impose any value judgments on this aspect.
What perplexes me is her worry about “restoring virginity” which, from what I’ve read in your comments, seems like an idea rooted in social conditioning (inside the context of her church) or even brainwashing. It’s important to note that once a person is no longer a virgin, there’s no actual physical way to “restore” virginity (it’s madness lol). However, it’s crucial to respect her right to abstain from sex for whatever reasons she deems valid, just as you have the right to decide what you want for yourself.
Given the complexity of your situation, my advice is limited as we are strangers on the internet. It would be best if you had an open and honest conversation with her. Both of you should carefully consider your feelings, values, and what you want in the relationship. I wish you both the best of luck as you navigate this together.
Run!
She’s weaponizing sex.
It’ll only get worse once you get married. She still weaponize sex. She’ll probably do the same with other aspects of your relationship.
Personally, I’d say *”Bye!”*
Dump her. She’s clearly a looney tune. RUN.
That religious awakening is going to fuck up a lot more than just your sex life. Her entire concept of reality has just shifted into fantasy and that’s going to impact all of her other decisions making processes too. Sorry man, she’s already gone.
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