is giving up blowjobs too much too ask? 21f

23 comments

1. Honey, the least any good partner can do for you is to respect your decision. You don’t have to do it if it makes you feel worse. A good partner will understand your history and I hope you find someone like that. Sending you lots of love.

2. Best to stand up for yourself. A good partner will never force you to do something that is emotionally harmful

3. It’s going to depend entirely on the guy.

   I have to say, if no oral was a hard limit forever and ever, I would probably judge us to be sexually incompatible.

   I’m very sorry for your abuse. If you haven’t already, you should really seek therapy.

4. If someone really cares about you, they will let that go. Plus, there are guys that are not really into getting blow jobs, so it’s not like this should be an issue, IMHO.

5. No, it isn’t too much to ask, you shouldn’t give in, but they should never pester you about it. Be up front, just say “this is a trauma boundary and I don’t do this,” and if they push at that at all, it is not acceptable. You can explore things that are/were traumatic with trusted partners at your speed, but that should be initiated only by you.

6. You have the right to set and enforce boundaries with your body. That said, oral sex is pretty basic, and not being able to do it will make you incompatible with a lot of potential partners.

   But the way you say “let them use” your body suggests the issue is deeper. Sex should be a partnership, not one party letting themselves be a fucktoy for the other. (Even in BDSM that sort of subordination is understood to be an act with the submissive partner still having control.)

7. I was in the same situation as you, sexually abused as a child and when I became sexually active I made it clear that blowjobs were out of the question. Eventually I managed to separate the trauma from the pleasure of pleasing my bf, it took some time but it was my own decision.
   You need to do what is right for you. You shouldn’t be ‘forced’ to relive your trauma over and over again. And if they can’t understand that or you feel pressured into doing it, then they are not right for you

8. You shouldn’t have to feel like your body is being “used” at all during sexual contact of any kind.
   I’m sorry you’ve had to experience the abuse and the triggers. No one should be guilting you into sex acts (of any kind) especially those that trigger you. Ever. Big hugs

9. I think you might benefit from discussing it with a professional to get past the trauma if possible. Not for the sake of giving blowjobs but just to put it behind you.

10. Thats fucked up. Sorry to hear that. And obv, no. That’s not too much

11. You have the right to have your limits, however a potential partner have the right to want blowjobs and for some it will be a dealbreaker.

    I personally could not be with a girl who can’t give blowjobs.

    But don’t let that stop you, surely there will be someone for you who don’t have the same needs.

12. I’m a guy and I don’t like blowjobs

13. Blowjobs… family.. what?

14. Op stop giving blow jobs. I would stop explaining myself and just say no I won’t do that. Anyone who won’t respect a no is not a man you need to be with.

15. Give me brain

16. Depends on the person dear, some don’t care about oral personally for me it’s a deal breaker.

17. You should NOT do anything that you do not want to do. Especially under the circumstances that you described. You may have to find the right partner though. I only had two partners who enjoyed oral (giving) and it never mattered to me because I was as invested as my partners enjoyment as my own. Sorry to hear that you have to deal with this

18. Personally as a male, I’ve never been a huge fan of receiving oral. It’s just never been anything that interested me, so it is easy for me to say stand your ground girl. If they pressure you into it they aren’t worth your time.

19. At just age 21, you’ve had multiple hookups and affairs. You and those men are all in a state of mind where you’re OK with one night stands and brief affairs. I definitely agree with you that for one night, or three months, your partners should settle for no BJ and gorge themselves on the rest of you.

    Here’s my experience. Before my middle 30s, I had two longterm relationships with women who had this same aversion, in case each due to a single assault. We never had explicit discussion about it, each of them just dropped a hint early in the relationship, and I avoided thinking about the topic ever after. I had sex with them all the time, and instead of getting BJ whenever I wanted, I got anal whenever I wanted. At the time, I thought I was making out spectacularly.

    But, when I finally found a woman who enjoyed BJ, I couldn’t come that way until after two months of attempts. I think there was more than one reason for this, but I’m almost sure that the stifling by those two gf’s was one of the reasons. In retrospect, I would have requested after one year, then after two years, “you wanna try now?”. But the answer might have been “no”.

20. Sorry that’s awful. Please seek therapy as I’ll be honest your issues now might be you don’t do that as it’s triggering. It can and is documented that it causes issues in LTR marriages causes more cheating, trust issues, dangerous sexual activity continue Lt seek validation in all the wrong places depression and many other issues. .

    It’s your body yes if it’s a hook up short term fling you don’t have to notify them why. It might be a problem as a relationship develops a guy might be ok in the beginning and might later on decide that he can’t control go without them. It can lead to some heartbreak if that occurs.

21. Sex is about everyone’s pleasure. If it doesn’t make you feel good, don’t do it. And anyone who doesn’t like it is a prick. I promise you don’t need to give head to have good sex and be a good sexual partner.

22. Personally I wouldn’t give oral if I don’t receive it.

    Giving up blowjobs wouldn’t be a dealbreaker but I wouldn’t eat you out either.

23. 🙁