I 28F have been seeing 40M casually for 3.5 months. He made it clear at the beginning he was not currently ready for an official committed relationship for valid reasons. He said he would be ok with casually dating, not officially, getting to know each other slowly, and eventually be official if things went good and when he was ready, sex with only each other, and we are free to date other people, but just need to let each other know if we start perusing someone else as we both would stop seeing each other if someone else could catch our attention.

3.5 months later things have been amazing and enjoying each others company. We both have had no interest seeing others and don’t even really have time to date others as we spend all of our free time with each other. Really thought we were almost to the point of being official since everything was going perfect.

He hit me with a bomb today that he just realized things have moved too fast too soon. He thinks things were also going very well, and to him, too good, to where it made him scared and anxious and feels like he is in a committed relationship. He said due to his reaction it tells him he is still no where ready to be in a committed relationship. He said he has to pull back and we need to either slow down or end it if I can’t accept his new boundaries.

I like him so much. We are so compatible and have such a good time every time we are together. And not even talking about sex as we don’t even have that much sex.

Would I be stupid to slow down things with him 3.5 months in? Again I thought we were there for being official and turns out he’s no where near ready. I don’t have a timeline for how long I’ll “wait” for him, but I told him I won’t be still seeing him casually a year in. And he agreed it wouldn’t take him that long to know if he wanted to officially date.

Having a hard time drawing that fine line between waiting/fighting for someone you want, and walking away now knowing the odds have now become even more slim.

TLDR; I 28F am having a hard time knowing where to draw the line waiting for 40M to be ready to commit or walk away

20 comments

  1. You don’t wait for anybody. And honestly, I would drop the rate even below his comfort level, so he either re-evaluates what he has in you to a higher level of certainty or drop it as not worthy to pursue altogether

  2. 3.5 months in and he can’t give you at least girlfriend commitment? I wouldn’t deal with a man who wasn’t willing to move forward after 3.5 months. I’m sorry but he just said that to get you on the hook. And barely any sex life? This guy isn’t serious about you.

  3. Ugh, people with commitment issues are exhausting, I’m sorry. He’s 40 years old. It’s not a problem of not being “ready”, he just has commitment issues and is scared of being emotionally vulnerable.

    If my experience is anything to go off of, this will be a problem at every. single. milestone. Once he’s used to the idea of dating officially, good fucking luck talking about moving in together. And if you ever get that far, after minimum 5 years of hemming and hawing, I really hope you don’t wanna get married lol because that’s impossible.

    This behavior is a giant red flag for an avoidant attachment style/bring emotionally unavailable. Because there’s nothing WRONG, the relationship is going WELL, you’re not going crazy fast at all, and he HATES it. Please do not waste too much time on this. You deserve a partner who is crazy about you and cannot wait to commit to you. Especially if you see a pattern emerging of you taking steps towards him and him taking steps back, and then the reverse… Run for the hills. That push-pull hot-cold bullshit will drive you crazy

  4. Just throwing this out there. Have you been been to his place? Are you sure he isn’t currently married?

    Just asking bc of the 12 year age gap

  5. Don’t date someone who’s not wanting a serious relationship when that’s what you’re hoping for

  7. A 40 year old guy who has commitment issues is never going to give you what you’re looking for. He’s you with another 12 years of dating and STILL doesn’t want to settle down. Why would he start now?

    If you want a committed long term relationship look elsewhere. If you’re fine to keep it casual then accept that for what it is.

  8. Are you sure he doesn’t have a wife? Sounds fishy. You deserve better. And also where is your boundaries in whole relationship? He doesn’t like this or that, what about you?

  9. If he’s been on this planet for 40 cycles and still cant commit, he’s never going to. Take people at face value. He said he wanted casual, I doubt he would deliver on the carrot he hangs over everyone he see’s. I would just move on.

  11. >I 28F have been seeing 40M casually for 3.5 months. He made it clear **at the** **beginning he was not currently ready for an official committed relationship for valid reasons**. —-3.5 months later—He hit me with a bomb today that he just realized things have moved too fast too soon.

    Take him for his word. He is into casual relationships, and doesn’t want an exclusive relationship. You need to find someone else who is into an exclusive relationship. This guy is not the right guy, and you are wasting your time.

  14. >He made it clear at the beginning he was not currently ready for an official committed relationship for valid reasons.

    It might give people some clarity if we knew what his “valid reasons” were/are for not being ready to commit to a relationship. Are they actually *excuses* rather than reasons?

    If your best friend were in your position, what advice would you give her? If she came to you and said, “The guy I’m seeing is only interested in a casual relationship for X reason,” would you tell her that’s a *valid reason* to keep you hanging indefinitely? And even if it *is* a valid reason, would you tell her she should wait around for him? Or would you tell her she deserves a guy who’s crazy about her and can’t wait to pursue a committed relationship with her?

    Treat yourself as well as you would treat your loved ones. Don’t accept treatment from others that you would hate to see your loved ones receive.

  17. You go on a few dates, you are dating. He is not ready to admit that. He wants friends with benefits. He is really scared by your developing relationship. Unless you only want a fwb relationship, start looking for someone who wants more. You can still casually date this guy, but don’t look for more from it. He seems afraid to even say he has a girlfriend, let alone a long term commitment.

  18. 40 is typically male mid-life crisis age. If he’s not ready simple move on or you will end up unofficially committed to someone who isn’t committed to you

  19. 40year old should know exactly what he wants in lofe, if he doesn’t he’s not worth your time and energy

  20. He is 40. If he’s not ready by now, he will never be “ready” for a committed relationship. The others are right, if you’re lucky (?!?) you might be official in 2 years, putting you at 30. You might get to the living together stage in another 5 (you’re 35), and marriage? Another 5 years in, maybe. Did you want kids? He is never going to be “ready” for children with you if that’s a goal of yours.

    I get that you two are simpatico. I dated a guy that treated me better than any other guy I had been with. Affectionate, well read, we could talk about anything… it was great. Until he met some woman online and flew to Scotland to meet her and her family and considered moving overseas instead of moving an hour to be with me and he’d known me for years.

    He’s still very dear to me, but I’ll never make the mistake of dating him again and holding out hope for something that will never happen.

    If you were the right one for him, he’d commit. He’s not willing to take that step, so you should just let him go.

    I’m sorry, but in time you’ll be happier.

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