My wife and I have been together like 15\16 years now (married about 6). We are in our early 30s with 2kids, mortgage etc etc.
When we were 19, my wife (girlfriend at the time) left me for another dude. Whilst she didn’t physical cheat on me, she did emotion cheat with him before breaking up. There relationship lasted 3-4 months, then my and my wife got back together.
Recently he has return to our home town (he is also engaged to a lovely girl), and has been trying to reconnect with wife as friends.
I should note that I trust my wife, issues that we had at 19 have been worked out over our relationship and I know she would never cheat emotion or physically. (Again)
However her ex trying to be her friend again and her being receptive of it brings up a lot of bad memories and anxieties from that time in my life.
She got annoyed when I mentioned I don’t want them being friends, because it brings up bad memories.
How do I have a decent conversation with her about it without her feeling attacked. There is no maliciousness behind her intend to be his friend, it’s just a hard boundary on my side and I’m not comfortable because of there history and how there relationship / friendship started.
Edit: some extra context.
As noted, this all happened when we were 19. This was back in 2009. After we got back together, the AP/Ex moved away and we didn’t see him until this year. We basically bumped into him and his girlfriend at a cafe about 2 months ago.
I know she’s not cheating on me with him because he’s in a happy relationship. There have just been a few texts between them where they are trying to organise a catchup.
However as noted, I’m not comfortable with them meeting up even as friends as it causes me to relive bad memories.
Ps I’m also already in therapy working through a lot of my insecurities and issues. I don’t think this is something I need therapy for, just a firm boundary. She can have all the male friends in the world if she wants, just not ones that she’s fucked / been intimate with
40 comments
I may be in the minority but I don’t have friends of the opposite sex that I don’t know through our social circle or are already wives of our friends. An ex doesn’t sound like someone that’s part of that circle, especially if they were intimate. I don’t see a point of them rekindling that on a 1:1 capacity that would be fair to you or his lovely fiancée.
As for conversation, you owe it to her to explain how you feel and it doesn’t have to be about petty or trust. It’s about respect for your vows and her husband, among other things, and while you can’t control her, that should be enough in my opinion
First, tell her how much you love her and trust her. That your request has nothing to do with trust; that she has earned that back over the years.
However, the thought of her engaging with him just acts as a trigger to your emotions. While you try your hardest to deal with it, it just does not work. It makes you sad, angry, difficult to focus, and becoming a person you are not proud of. You wish you could control it, but you can’t.
You understand why she does not understand and could not expect her to unless the roles were reversed and she experienced what you felt all those years ago. While you can forgive, you can not truly forget. And, please help you by honoring this request.
Updateme!
One other note, and again, this is not to make you feel horrible, but my ex also tried to make it seem normal, that she was talking all the time to first boyfriend. When she went away for the week, it was for a girls reunion week, and in a city Where he worked. The one request I had was not to see him. She swore absolutely she would not. He picked her up at the airport. She got a luxury hotel room that I paid for since she had refused to go back to work after woods were grown. She had sex with him 14 or 15 times over the five days when she wasn’t seeing her girlfriends When I found out about it crushed me but you have to focus on your children.
It doesn’t matter if she feels attacked, which by the way is an act and also used to manipulate you. She should not see him out of respect for you and your relationship. Anyone can be a cheater don’t think that your wife is immune. Also the other thing. Trying to make you feel bad about hearing or listening to hear her masturbate. Damn right you should. You are a hetero man who likes to hear women orgasm. She’s trying to make you feel bad. She should be letting you watch. She is a manipulative narcissist. Please don’t believe that she is an innocent victim
Bud, I’m telling you there is more to your wife’s resistance to having sex with you versus herself than you want to accept. I think you are mistaken to put this much trust in her.
UpdateMe
Flip the script and she would freak out. Nothing good comes out of this so why even risk it? She is being delusional to think this is ok.
This isn’t complicated. She wants to be friends with the person she cheated on you with. That should be a hard boundary, and a deal breaker if she insists on ignoring it.
Sorry. dude, this is the textbook example of why a girlfriend cheating on you should be viewed as lucky because you found out what type of person they were before you made too much of a commitment.
You can tell her how that makes you feel and you can ask her not to continue the relationship. I take “forsaking all others” seriously.
You have every reason not to trust her. She did it once and everyone that has been cheated on doesn’t think their partner would do it.
The issue is that it’s likely this guy will try to get her to do it.
It’s inappropriate and she wouldn’t like it if the situation was reversed.
I can’t comprehend how she doesn’t get why being friends with someone she left you for isn’t ok.
She’s either:
A) Genuinely unintelligent. Like dropping below the x-axis.
B) Feigning ignorance hoping you’ll get over it.
C) Gaslighting you in an attempt to make you feel like you are crazy or controlling for having an issue with it.
And people aren’t always aware when they’re doing B. Sometimes it’s an unconscious thing because they’re fooling themselves out of their excitement.
To what extent did the emotional cheating go?
You don’t worry about her feeling attacked.
You tell her straight. “This man has absolutely no place in our lives, period. End of story. You’ve already betrayed me with him once in the past, and we’re past that now. But we won’t ever go back there. You can either have him in your life or a marriage with me, but you can’t have both. If you want to stay married to me, you call him right now, in front of me, and you tell him to never contact you again under any circumstances for the good of your marriage.” If she gets annoyed, you tell her tough shit, she either needs to respect you and your marriage or hit the fucking bricks.
If she gives you any flack whatsoever, tell her she’s made her choice and then go directly to a divorce lawyer.
Honestly, if she chooses the first option, you should probably have couples counseling as a condition of staying together, so she can unpack with a therapist why the actual fuck she thought it would be a good idea to not only be friends with this guy, but disregard her actual spouse in favor of keeping him around. That’s a nuclear bomb she’s playing with and you don’t need to worry about her feeling attacked, because she will no matter what. She’s testing your boundaries to see how much you’ll “let her” cheat, so either she gets a wake up call that you’ve got a spine, or she can go back to him. But you should make it clear that you won’t stand for it this time.
Edit: and then I saw your post about your wife rejecting you so she can masturbate.
Yeah, shes not attracted to you. Don’t be passive about this ex bullshit, take charge of it. Show her that you’ve got a spine and you’re willing to stand up for yourself. Blow this joke of a marriage up. She rejects you every time so she can go masturbate, and then wants to be friendly with an ex affair partner?!?! Yeah, she’s gonna cheat on you.
My husband became, “friends,” with his ex. It turned into a three year affair. You say you trust her and I don’t doubt that but it’s just wrong to try and be friends with someone she cheated on you with. Some pain doesn’t have an expiration date and can be re-triggered if it did.
I think showing her this post is a good conversation starter. It sound like her re-igniting a relationship with this dude even if it is only a friendship will make you uncomfortable and no partner should be happy with making their spouse uncomfortable where an ex is involved. Once your partner realises this she will be happy to distance herself from this ex. if she values your relationship
She got annoyed when you asked her not to be friends with her ex. Let’s stop there. Why is she annoyed?
Tell her it feels Luke she is picking him over you once again. And you deserve better. If she had any respect for you or your feelings, she would recognize how this would make you feel.
It really is you or him. I tried to let a “friend” be in our lives, but it just caused so much unneeded pain. In the end our relationship was not wanted. But my mental health is so much better. You are worthy of love.
She should understand why you aren’t good with her being friends with him … period! If she does, there is more to the story!
Tell her your not comfortable with her being friends with someone she’s already left you for once. Tell her you don’t want this dude in either of your lives.
What the fuck is with people insisting on “being friends” with someone they’ve cheated with? I don’t care if it’s been 50 years, once she cheated with someone they are no longer a valid friend prospect, both have proven they’re not capable of respecting boundaries with each other.
Ask her why it’s so important that of all the people in the world she *has* to be friends with the one person in the world *she cheated on you with?*
Married female here. There is nothing they “need to catch up on” that’s BS and insulting your intelligence. Don’t tolerate that!
Lol that’s wild I’m a married mother of 3 and I would NEVER EVER request to be friends with my ex? Wtf is the point of that?!
Ask her to switch places with you and see what she would do. Also, how does his fiancé feel about them being friends again or maybe she doesn’t even know about the past relationship. I think it spells trouble. Your wife should respect your feelings, and refuse the friendship and save the marriage.
Put your foot down, that’s your WIFE!
She’s showing you that she can’t be trusted. You should never have taken her back in the first place. He’s seeking her out for a reason and it’s not platonic. They were never platonic friends.
Normally I’m all for being able to have friends of the opposite sex, as long as there are proper boundaries in place. However, this is not that at all.
This is somebody that she literally cheated on you for years ago. There’s basically nothing for them to catch up on. Zero. If this was as a ex whom she dated before she even met or knew you, I could say it’s not that big of a deal. But for this, she should already know this isn’t cool in any fashion. Again, she cheated on you to be with him. If wife needs friends that had, then maybe she can make friends with the guy’s fiance. But that is absolutely it. She needs to be zero contract with the ex.
U go YO mofo. Stop talking to your ex. The fk.
And if she has an issue with that u get a lawyer and end it.
Personally it’s a respect thing. She had an emotional affair with this person once. I think it’s ignorant to think married people are above affairs and dangerous. There are certain positions you don’t put yourself in as a married person. I would gently bring up to your wife if the roles were reversed you would never make her feel the way she’s making you feel. She’s essentially saying his friendship is more important than you.
Right on target… a simple no should be enough… it’s simply wrong!
You are not insecure or controlling. She cheated on you with this guy. It is totally acceptable for you to let her know that her being friends with him is a boundary for you. She then has the choice to respect you or be friends with the guy. There should be zero contact with this guy. No texts, meeting up, social media. The fact she doesn’t understand this is concerning. I would also let the guy know to stay the eff away from my wife. Also, famous last words of a betrayed spouse is “I know they would never cheat”. She has done it once before. She can do it again. The question is, what are you going to do if she decides that she wants to be friends with this guy regardless of how you feel about it.
You’re actually in reconciliation now from her cheating all those years back, now she wants to open those old wounds? What kind of person is she?
Your wife is very selfish if she wants to rekindle a relationship with a past lover she left you for.
If she can’t understand what she’s doing to you she must not really respect you.
Have a talk with her and let her know how disrespectful you think this is, and if she maintains this connection with her AP/ex it will continue to damage you and your relationship to a point where it might not be recoverable.
Why did they break up after she cheated on you? What made you take her back?
Why are you so concerned about her feelings when you were the one betrayed? Shouldn’t she be concerned about yours and, as an adult, know the proper thing to do is to not be speaking with this guy? Why would she be getting annoyed at a completely reasonable request by you to not speak to the man she once emotionally cheated with? Doesn’t this make no sense to you? Why are you trying to make sense of this?
Have her put herself in your shoes. How would she feel if you wanted to be friends with a girl that took you away from her?
This guy is not only her ex, but the guy that broke your bond with her and SHE LEFT YOU TO BE WITH HIM! No matter what issues you had at 19, this is what she did. Personally I wouldn’t have gotten back with her.
My wife wanted something similar decades ago when we were young and newly married. She wanted to be friends with one of her ex’s that was a childhood friend. I said find, that means I can be friends with a few women I hooked up with during my party days. She got incredibly pissed and dropped the suggestion immediately.
Honestly if it bothers you, she should respect that. It’s not like you control everything and everyone she sees-
But everyone has that ONE person that makes you feel type of way.
She will have one – and when she asked, you will drop it.
So this guy- it needs to get dropped.
You are 100% correct, in not wanting them to be friends, any communication with the EX, is inappropriate.
Ask your wife, if the roles were reversed, and you were the one that cheated, and your affair partner, came back to your home town, would she be OK, with you being friends?
You can also ask your wife, if this guy’s fiancé, knew their history, does she think, the fiancé, would have a problem, with them being friends?
I suggest you
1. get a copy of this book, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. This book explains the importance of healthy boundaries, that are essential for strong relationship, and how lines can be unintentionally crossed, put your relationship in danger. You both should read it.
2. If she’s not willing to go no contact, with this guy , she most likely, has checked out of the marriage, if she’s willing, start couples therapy, preferably with someone that is trained in the Gottman Method.
3. If your wife becomes defensive, and refuses to stop, speaking to her EX, then I suggest you start making an exit plan, make sure you have access to your own finances, have a list of the best divorce lawyers in your area, and keep your eyes open.
Good luck OP, as they say, hope for the best, plan for the worst.
Nope. This is how cheating starts. Know your boundaries and speak up. If your wife doesn’t respect this, how would she react to you doing the same?
I think there isn’t a way to have the conversation without her feeling attacked. That’s not to say you should just go on the offensive, but she isn’t respecting your request to not engage with this dude. Given the context, your request is pretty reasonable. Her refusal isn’t, and more importantly is disrespectful to you and the relationship. Buckle up, because this is going to be a rough one. Y’all can work it out, but it’s gonna take some tough conversations and time.
So… **she** gets annoyed when **you** bring up how it hurts (you), because.. it brings up bad memories? For… **her**?
WTF?
Honestly, I don’t understand why you’re treading so carefully around her feelings in this, since you were the one who was wronged and the one who is perfectly entitled to feel hurt/fearful/uncomfortable.
She should really be perfectly understanding about this.
Sir, set your boundary. They are called X for a reason. If this makes you uncomfortable you wife should stop communicating with the X.
Exes shouldn’t be friends, especially when this woman left you for him. If a partner is not comfortable with certain friendships for valid reasons, that friendship should end immediately. Stand up for yourself; the truth is you don’t trust her around him, that’s the truth. Speak up now, or you may find yourself filing for divorce in a year or two.