My (27F) boyfriend (27M) asks me to split expenses with him. We recently moved in together and we split all the bills and he makes double of what I make. Sometimes when we are randomly doing something he’ll just say “are you not gonna pay for this or that?” I wouldnt mind paying but I just don’t have the money to do so with all the bills and my own bills to take care of. He knows he makes more than me and all the expenses I have aside from the bills I split with him. I barely have any extra money left to spend on myself.
Im mostly the one trying to keep our place clean. I work 10 hour shift on 2nd shift and I don’t get home until super late in the night and I’ve been making him lunch for work before I go to sleep since he said he wanted to eat healthier etc. I also used to wake up early in the morning when he would go to work to make him breakfast (I’ve stopped) Im also new to cooking and making things in the kitchen so I feel like Im not very efficient and its alot of work for me to do but I still do it because I want to do it for him and to show my love for him. However, I feel like Im not being appreciated.
I come home and theres his lunch container in the sink waiting for me to be washed. When I cook I atleast expect him to wash the dishes or volunteer but I have to constantly ask him to wash the dishes or he just leaves it there saying he’ll get to it later and don’t touches it until he feels like it or I would just cave in and do it. Ive never once seen him try to clean the house on his own will. So if I basically dont do it, it wont get done. Then on top of all of this he wants me to split everything with him.
So now I feel like Im kinda being taken advantage of? Or that were not even in a relationship anymore? Like he wants a modern girl (can pay for herself) and a traditional girl (clean,cook,do all the chores) I feel like Im just a roommate/maid/mom at this point? I don’t know how to really talk to him about it because when I try to he always says I clean, I do this and that.He remembers the 1 time he did clean after the 10th time I asked him to clean something. I feel like he is only with me because its convenient and he doesnt want to do the dating process all over again since after college its almost impossible to meet people.
Any advice on what to do?
6 comments
Yeah leave!
You can’t do it all, you can’t be a housewife, his mother, and work. He is for sure taking advantage of you especially because you’ve told him many times to do the dishes, clean, etc and he hasn’t. If he wanted to he would. It really is as simple as that, he would change his ways if he truly wanted to for you and he hasn’t which shows he won’t.
He also won’t hear your concerns, your feelings, your needs. He totally dismisses you and makes probably makes you feel silly for even bringing it up so save yourself the trouble and dump this boy.
You arnt his mother or maid. I think it’s fair that if the relationship is treated where everything is split 50/50, then he needs to be pulling his weight in household chores.
I read somewhere that if we change how we ask for things it may make a man more prone to helping. The keyword is “help,” so instead of saying “hey babe can you clean the dishes?” It’s “hey babe can you help me with something?” I’m not sure if this works. But apparently men have this “Hero” complex and them thinking they are helping you by saving the day triggers their hero complex.
You can also try telling him that, the one time he helped clean made you feel really appreciated, loved, and taken care of and ask then follow up ask him how he feels appreciated so you could make him feel that way. Hopefully that will make him more eager to want to make you feel that way again (hero complex).
Move out. Expenses should be split in proportion to income. Household jobs should be split 50-50. He is profiting off you. He knows this and he does not care. You deserve someone who really loves and cherishes you and he is not it
I would just let him know your needs and that you’re not invincible and can’t do everything all the time and let him know you’re asking for help and see how that goes. cause if he understands how you feel like a roommate or a maid maybe he might be like “Dang I’m messing up “and start taking initiative. Me being a guy and not living anywhere else and having my parents do everything for me when I finally did move out with my girlfriend I kinda had the same issue cause I was used to being pampered to the point were I didn’t even think I was being rude by not doing anything. She kinda had to lay into me a bit and teach me things I literally couldn’t even work a stove or oven and don’t even get me started about learning how to work a dish washer, and a regular washer and dryer for clothes lol. But I did eventually learn to help and realize that I was wrong for just doing the bear minimum. So that’s what I would suggest you do about that.
Now to the money situation I would just also let him know that theirs things you want to buy as well and just communicate that so he knows on this bill he’ll have to pay a lil more so you can splurge a bit on yourself and I know he makes more money then you do but this goes for him as well if theres something he would want cause a relationship works both ways.
I can’t stress it enough communicate communicate communicate cause us guys are stupid and very oblivious a lot of times we can come off like complete assholes if we aren’t directly told.
As long as y’all communicate and compromise yall will survive if y’all really want too.
If your coming to Reddit for confirmation that your feelings are valid. Here it is, you have our permission to leave.
The resentment you’ve built up here is huge, it will not get better, your better off leaving
I have a few thoughts on all this.
First of all, the two of you should have talked about all this before moving in together, not just finances, but also looking after the house. If you both work full time, then you need to discuss a schedule for cleaning/looking after the house so it’s not just you doing it. There are many blokes out there that think they can leave all that to the women, which is fine if she doesn’t work. If he doesn’t want to do his share than try a financial compromise where you do the housework for a discount on how much you pay.
But regards the finances, it a simple fact that you have no right to expect him to pay a larger share of the bills. Some people will offer to pay more, but they don’t have to. But in the long term, if you two intend to have kids and you will be staying at home to look after the kids, then he will be paying for everything while you to look after the house and kids.
You say he will occasionally pay for something, well I think that is telling you that is as far as his generosity goes.
But if you were expecting this man to look after you financially, then you now have your answer. He’s clearly not the financial jackpot you were hoping he would be.
I have been in relationship where my female partner earned more than me, and I never expected them to pay more than me for the bills. But at the same time I have known women who will only get involved with men who earn high salaries as they expect to be looked after.