I have a very avoidant attachment style at this point in my life because I work a lot, like 14 hour days, talking to people and I usually want to see my friends or just chill alone during my down time. But I also love my bf and I’m getting to an age where I want to settle down.
My bf has a job but it’s a typical 9-5 and after work he mostly will play video games. He has admitted the coolest part of his life is dating me, which I’m not thrilled about because I’m so busy it makes me feel guilty.
He has been pushing to move in together so we’re in a trial run. His lease is up November 1, so I agreed to move into his place for a month to see if we’re compatible living partners. Me agreeing to this made him so happy he cried.
I’m feeling uneasy being here, like he’s always watching me? He’s at his desk a lot and everytime I walk out the front door he’s asking where I’m going. He’ll try to talk to me in between my meetings when I’m trying to send emails or go to the bathroom. He doesn’t plan anything for us, I’ll have to delegate it. Like if I say let’s go to the nicest restaurant in town, we’ll do that. If I say you’re on your own for dinner get yourself some McDonald’s, he’ll do that. Sometimes he follows me through rooms.
I feel like I’m dating a needy dog or my parent, having to explain myself and where I’m going. I don’t know if this is because I’m so avoidant though. I find myself going into a different room because, for instance, he slurps his drinks really loudly and it annoys me and I can’t think of how to phrase it in a nice way. I feel a bit suffocated, but I want marriage and all that some day.
I’ve lived with two guys before him and I didn’t feel this way so I’m not quite sure what is going on or how to fix it or what to say to him.
Tl;dr bf is suffocating me during a trial live-together period
47 comments
If you’re miserable in the trial period I think that’s your answer. The delegation thing would drive me nuts! Why would you want to live with him if he’s going to turn you into a personal assistant?
I live with my partner but both of us value our alone time. We usually get home from work about thirty minutes apart and we tend to go to different rooms to decompress. I wouldn’t be able to live with someone that was constantly wanting to engage, especially while I was working.
*Do* you want to settle down? Or do you just think you should *want* to settle down because that’s what society tells us we should want? Like checking off a box on the life list?
Because – if you don’t really want to account for your comings and goings, and you would rather spend your limited downtime with your friends, that doesn’t really sound like someone who wants to settle down.
Well I guess it’s time to break up
First off, I’d find the biggest issue(s) that you want to tackle, and start with that. It’s not going to help anyone to have a laundry list of issues ranging from “I feel like there’s a lot of pressure on me to make all the relationship decisions, big and small” to “the slurping is annoying”.
When it comes to respectful and honest communication on relationship issues, it’s important to use “I statements”, which keep the focus on your thoughts, feelings, and observations by expressing them with the words I, me, and my, while minimizing use of you, your, and yours. This lowers the chances of your language coming off as accusatory, judgmental, or antagonizing.
For example: “I’m glad that we’re having the chance to try living together, but with my limited availability, I’m worried that there’s a lot of pressure on me to be attentive during the limited time I have with my boyfriend. This is being compounded by another feeling I have that I’m expected to make relationship decisions, ranging from where we get dinner, to where I’m going, inside and outside of the house. I’m honored that I’m the highlight of my boyfriend’s day, but I really want to express how I feel like there’s a lot of expectation and focus on me that makes me uncomfortable.
From there, invite him to share HIS thoughts and feelings on the matter, as well. Not just because, well, he’s your boyfriend and you care about his thoughts and feelings, but he’ll feel more likely to consider your perspective if he doesn’t have to worry about getting defensive about his own. Encourage each other to *validate* each other’s feelings, even if you disagree with the behaviors and conclusions that result from them. For instance, you might sympathize with his care for you, even if you have issues with how it comes off. Tell him how his feelings are valid, and encourage him to validate your feelings as well.
Finally, once you’re at a point where you two can better understand each other’s perspective, you can negotiate and discuss a plan for the future that’s aligned with BOTH of your feelings. It’s important that there’s mutual agreement on this plan – if he proposes something that doesn’t jive with you, you’re back at square one with the issues that brought you here, and if you propose something that doesn’t jive with him, he’s not going to commit to the plan. It’s possible that there’s just simply no common ground that can work for both of you, but if that’s the case, what you’re feeling is going to remain a problem for however long your relationship lasts.
Best of luck, OP.
Idk i think the trial is a good thing . I don’t think it’s because you’re avoidant, your personalities are just different. I would also ask where you’re going or talk to you if i thought you might be free. I’m just curious, not trying to have someone report. Some of this is communication- you need to explain not in a mtg doesnt mean youre on downtime. He might not know that. It’s also ok to want alone time. Or that you need alone time. Sometimes these things are moving in growing pains, but a trial is still a trial. See what you can communicate about, and if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t.
You don’t really like him that much.
Isn’t this the reason you gave it a trial ? He is happy but you are not. Break up
Settling down with someone you feel suffocated with ?
Yeah it just sounds like you don’t want to live or settle down with him. It’s normal to be a little annoyed time to time with your love in partner, but I mean, most couples LIKE to see each other throughout the day
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I think you’re conflating independence, assertiveness, and healthy attachment with avoidance. What you’re describing is not necessarily the same thing as an avoidant attachment style.
Wanting alone time, being comfortable making choices on your own, being busy, and pursuing other interests doesn’t make you avoidant.
But it does sound like your partner is insecurely attached.
And it’s not particularly attractive when people like that don’t seem to take initiative, and put all their hopes and dreams onto you as though you are their entire world.
This is a trial run, and you’re already getting the information you need. You’re not excited about it because you’re not really aligned. There’s a big mismatch in your attachment styles, and or your values, how you see relationships.
this seems unlikely to change, but I don’t think it’s because you’re avoidant necessarily. You’re not attracted enough to him to do the work together, or else you’d be really excited about moving in…
You got to talk to him. And both of you need to be able to compromise.
When you are entering or leaving the apartment, a quick check up on how you are and where you are going is in order. When you are going to the toilet it’s not.
Let him know that even though you are living together, you still need alone time to deal with your thoughts and do work and communicate with others. If you share and office area, block your section off with a screen or a book case so that you can get a sense of aloneness without being watched, and so that he can know when you are in there that you want to be by yourself. If you need to go to the bathroom or to get a coffee that’s still part of your alone time.
The other half of this is making couple time more fulfilling. Just being in a room together is not quality couple time. You should be actually sharing an experience. You need to carve out time every day to spend with him, talking with him, listening to his day, doing things together. Especially when things get busy at work, you still need to give him a few minutes of dedicated him time every day.
He does need to step up and do his part for making couple time better. Let him know that he should be arranging half of your dates, and you will go along with what he chooses. Since you do work a lot, it makes sense to actually schedule dates with each other, rather than trying to make it spontaneous. Spontaneous can happen, but you can’t rely on it to get your couple time needs met.
DO NOT PASS GO. Moving in with this dude sounds like a horrible idea.
I ignored similar red flags and warning signs and didn’t realize how bad I’d fucked up until the lease had been signed and I was stuck. Anything he’s doing now to get under your skin is going to be inescapable when he moves in with you officially.
His controlling behavior (Making you feel like you have to explain yourself, following you around excessively, etc) is a major red flag and you should seriously consider just dropping this guy entirely. The trial sounds like it’s been a failure. You can find someone who trusts you and respects your autonomy, it’s just not him. Go with your gut.
Don’t marry this man if he irritates you and you feel like he has lost puppy energy. You may want to settle down but you’ll regret doing it with the wrong person.
You’re not compatible. You care for him and he probably has many lovely qualities, but after living together for a month you discovered that you’re not compatible. Dating is an audition for a long-term relationship and this audition has revealed that your current BF won’t make it to the next round. Be gentle and be kind by ending the relationship so you both have the opportunity to find your long-term people.
It seems strange that you would walk out your front door without telling him where you’re going. Also the slurping drink thing, you need to communicate these things.This entire post you made it sound like everything he does annoys you. Definitely don’t move in, you will grow to resent him.
Is replacing your peace and solitude with this kind of living arrangement going to be worth it for you?
It’s not selfish to consider this before you make your decision, trial period or not.
Sounds like more than just avoidant issues on your part at play, the delegation thing would be so annoying to me as well. To me, a partner is someone who can shoulder the responsibilities of life with you, including helping to plan out fun activities. Him waiting around for whatever you decided you’re both gonna do just sounds like having a kid instead of a partner.
You should be happy to have your boyfriend around, nor annoyes, and stressed about it. That is not how relationships work. This won’t get better.
You sound like you don’t want to actually settle down with anyone, you just believe that you should want too. You sound very distant; like you would ignore your spouse 95% of the time because you like to be alone. That’s not a marriage or a relationship.
Don’t force yourself to do something because society says you should at your age. If you want to live alone without being bothered, then do that; but don’t waste someone’s time trying to convince yourself otherwise.
What’s the plan for your relationship? Do you intend to live together, get married, any of that?
I wouldn’t call myself a needy partner, but I can identify with the way your boyfriend behaves. I live with my husband and I *want* to talk to him during work breaks when we’re both WFH. I want to spend chill *with* my partner during down time. We don’t spend every night together – I choose to spend some nights each week alone in my room (reading, writing, doing hobbies), but I didn’t move in with him or marry him for us to live like housemates. And when my husband gets really busy or disconnected from me, I do get a little needier when I feel like that “couple connection” battery is getting low.
> I work a lot, like 14 hour days, talking to people and **I usually want to see my friends or just chill alone during my down time.**
It seems like, as much as you like your boyfriend (I think?), it sounds like spending time with him feels like another *task* to you, not a thing that restores your battery. You’d rather chill with friends or alone than with this guy. And if that’s the case…I mean, I don’t think you should outright tell him “time with you drains me”, but I think you need to be clear about how much time you actually *want* to spend with him. Because it sounds like he wants “settled down, live-in partners” and you want “1-2 a week dates”.
>I’m feeling uneasy being here
> I feel a bit suffocated,
>I feel like I’m dating a needy dog or my parent,
>I’ve lived with two guys before him and I didn’t feel this way so I’m not quite sure what is going on or how to fix it or what to say to him.
>He has been pushing to move in together so we’re in a trial run.
INFO. How long have you been dating? Why would your gut be uneasy over him?
I mean it’s kinda weird to be romantically
Involved with someone and live with them and then you randomly leave. I think he can sense this in you, that you’re not 100% committed and he feels insecure. Do you like spending time and being around your bf?
The title of this post kind of sums up all you need to know. You care for him and he cares for you, but you feel like he’s too needy. You don’t really enjoy living with him.
The things you say make it seem like you’re not ready to settle down, at least definitely not with him. I think it’s normal to have your partner ask where you’re off to. While he may not choose things to do or eat, you gotta keep in mind that he’s capable. He did it when you didn’t live there, right? He may just be trying to make you happy.
Your boyfriend really cares for you, so I do think you need to figure out what you feel. If you’d rather live alone and hang out with friends, I’m not sure a serious relationship will make you happy.
Try gently talking to him about making more decisions. Just tell him:
“Babe, I’d really like if you decided where/what we have for dinner tonight.”
If you can’t talk while sending an email, let him know. Just be gentle. And if he’s not the guy for you, be fair.
The trial worked, you know you don’t want to be with him.
Just be honest.
I would like you to realize that your time off and his time off are significantly different. He has his “alone time.” To recharge and be a part of your life. While you do not, at best, you have 2 hours of your life a day and do not have the emotional energy for others. The thing is, unless your next partner is COMPLETELY negligent of you or shares the same schedule, it won’t necessarily be an “only him” issue.
With that in mind, you have to come to terms that you just don’t have time for a relationship with your current schedule
“I work a lot, like 14 hour days, talking to people and I usually want to see my friends or just chill alone during my down time.” Is not something someone who wants to settle down says. You don’t want to settle down. You want to want to settle down.
I will never, ever again date a man whose “coolest part of his life is dating me”. It’s exhausting and it’s too much pressure and you feel guilty constantly. Find someone who has other things in life that fill their cup. It’s not fair to make you *it*.
I mean it doesn’t really sound like you want to move in with him. Those are normal things. When my partner is leaving I typically want to know where and he does too. We talk in between meetings when he works from home. We talk all the time!
Sounds like you literally detest him maybe he’s just not it for you.
It doesn’t sound like you’re attracted to or respect this man. Sure you’re not settling?
At 32 and having lived with previous bfs, you don’t need to be kidding yourself like this. If you want to be settled down soon, there’s no use wasting both of your time on something that’s not compatible. You gave it a good, honest try – that’s why it’s so important to live together before marriage!
Ok how much of this is an avoidant attachment style vs. being *introverted*. You can be social and get your job done very well, but you need solitude and lack of anyone asking or needing things from you for a certain amount of time in a day to recharge your batteries and think straight. Him giving you no space is wearing you out. He’s wearing ME out just reading about it.
Do you think you could live with someone different and not feel this way? Or have you? I’m not sure you could. Was any of this an issue in your relationship before moving in together? If it wasn’t, there’s your answer.
There’s nothing wrong with keeping space for your. Took me until I was damn near 40 to finally realize that everything in my life, including my relationships, are better when NOT cohabiting. It’s a totally valid option. Unless you really wants kids, there’s no reason you have to live with anyone, ever, to have a great long term relationship.
So you don’t necessarily have to deliver a blow to him that “we’re not compatible”. But instead “I’m not compatible living with a partner, and I don’t want to ruin a good thing by forcing that.”
I have ABSOLUTELY ruined otherwise great relationships, that could have stayed great indefinitely, by moving in together. Because I couldn’t see past the preconception that “this is what you’re supposed to do after a couple years if it’s a serious/real relationship”. But finally I decided I wasn’t doing that again, no matter how much they wanted or begged. That was the line. Every time I tried to live with something, it was the beginning of the end. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow, but the end was queued up from that fateful point on, and needlessly frustrating in between. So once I finally understood it, I couldn’t pretend I didn’t. That was the line. If someone was expecting an eventual housemate, I’m not your gal.
Best line I’ve ever drawn.
It sounds like you hate him and don’t want a relationship.
It sounds like he adores you but you aren’t communicating about what bothers you. He is. It a mind reader.
Sounds like his love language is physical touch/quality time, etc. whereas you might prefer acts of kindness or service (decision making, taking dinner initiative)
Communicate and give him a real chance, or do the right thing and let him go
not a lot of that sounds like suffocating, i think you just don’t like your boyfriend, which is fine. that’s what the trial run was for
You want marriage and to settle down one day … But you didn’t explicitly say you wanted it with him ..
I have to agree with the other comments. Your not looking at settling down.
Your boyfriend is not doing anything wrong. Your treating your boyfriend like a roommate and not partner.
It’s OK to want space. But it seems like your not opening yourself to him. You are not letting him enter your life and become apart of it.
I do not think your ready for this relationship.
The fact that you mentioned that you have an avoidant attachment style is the key.
Do you think your feelings of him being needy are your way of deactivating from the situation? Or is it really him being too pushy with it?
If you know your attachment style, I’m guessing you know your boyfriend’s attachment style as well. And the best thing to do is have an honest conversation remembering each other’s style while you’re communicating your feelings toward the situation and also listening to what he is requesting.
Try to move past the “needy” part of his suggestion. Focus on what is the good part about it instead of all the negatives.
Sounds like you’re neglecting him and he’s insecure. Insecurity isn’t always invalid by default. If you don’t spend time with him or show him you care about him, that’s just going to happen. That’s the behavior of someone who doesn’t like him, and he can feel it. so why should he be secure?
He should be more assertive, but you’re already not spending time with him, if he just proclaims plans or make decisions that he doesn’t **know** you want to do, he knows you’re just going to not go along with it.
It’s give you the lead and last word or he might as well not even involve you because you won’t involve yourself. You’re also BY FAR the busier person, so it sounds like his “neediness” is his trying to accommodate your schedule, guessing when (because you don’t tell him) during the brief periods where you’re not working. And you’re not into it, you don’t want to spend those slivers of time with him and are annoyed that he wants even a second of your time or attention. You’d rather spend it alone or with people who aren’t him.
So break up with him. Just be single. Move out and just go on with your life.
You two don’t seem like a good fit at all. Sounds like a chore when it should be something you’re looking forward to. Wondering why he even wastes his time. He needs to move on asap.
It’s pretty odd for someone to just leave the house without saying anything to their partner. Makes sense why he’d ask you where you’re going. It’s also quite normal to talk to you between meetings, assuming you’re working from home. Honestly this seems like ordinary behaviour from a partner and not the sort of stuff to get overly irritated at, and if something does irritate you, you should bring it up with him so he can work on it. That’s how relationships work. He seems like he cares a lot about you and is excited about moving in, while you seem uncomfortable with the idea of settling down into a loving relationship right now. If you love him, try to have a discussion with him about these things so you can find a middle ground in terms of accomodating each other. Otherwise, I think it’s time to end the relationship.
He deserves better than you
Lmao why are you even dating, he’s the normal person here. Needy it seems lol
Well….OP is clearly not that “into him”. OP you are clearly not looking for a serious relationship. Your BF is. This is a hugely incompatible relationship.
OP, your Bf sees you as his world, and you see him as an annoyance. Why are you stringing him along? Just break it off already
The point of the trial period was to determine whether or not you want to live with him. You’ve not got an attachment problem, you just don’t like him. End it so that he can move on and find someone who actually likes him. And remember in the future that if you can’t even be bothered to say “Just popping out to the shops for half an hour, babe” then you’re probably not with the right person.
You sound like a workaholic who is too selfish to be in a relationship.
Jesus OP. You don’t talk “man”. He is not needy at all. He is just excited having you in his life. If you don’t want him to always interact, just tell him. You’ll probably find out that he does many of these things because he listens. But deep down he wouldn’t really bother.
Just be careful what you wish for…you get the other type, they are always right and your opinion doesn’t matter.
The real question is: are you really ready for a relationship?
God reading this was so triggering.
You dont even like your poor boyfriend.
I’ve been on his end with every avoidant relationship. I’m always so excited to spend time with my partner see them and just be around them just to receive scraps in return.
The way you talk about him is so disrespectful. You don’t LIKE HIM.
Do this poor man a favor and break up with him before you give him more issues than you probably already have.
It sounds to me as though he is hyper-focused on you because he wants you to be happy, he wants you to want to live with him! Have you tried talking to him? Let him know that living together shouldn’t mean the end of your individual wants and needs.
That said there has to be give and take on both sides along with compromise . “Needy” people often feel unsure of the other person’s feelings and the non needy partner can be so absorbed in their own needs they become oblivious.