we’ve been together since high school and had a rocky many years because (1) we were kids when we started dating so there was a severe lack of emotional awareness on both sides, (2) lack of consistent communication because we’ve been in a LDR for 90% of the time we’ve dated and (3) lack of opportunities to meet since we’ve always been in a LDR
now that we’re adults (he’s working and I’m in grad school) we’re working on healing our unresolved issues from the past. and while I understand these issues themselves could be the reason that we haven’t had sex yet, there are a bunch of other complications involved;
\- we’ve both only ever dated each other in our adult lives (we’re both virgins)
\- he has severe body image issues and struggles with overeating
\- we have tried to go all the way a couple of times but he had trouble getting hard. even before we would start kissing/role playing he’d get anxious and we’d stop (but when we’re on bed and are getting intimate without the pressure of it leading to sex I have seen him get hard)
\- he has never let me go down on him, neither is he comfortable going down on me. the max he has done is fingered me a couple of times in all these years
\- we don’t speak about it openly. the first few times I was really hard on him while I brought it up so now he has trouble addressing the issue. I also think he actively avoids thinking about it
\- now that we are working on healing our emotional relationship I find it difficult to bring it up because I do not want to lose the progress we’ve made emotionally (he has a tendency to shut down when I bring it up)
\- the last 3 times we met I hardly even addressed it because of which I can see him getting more and more comfortable with me. this is a decision I made myself but at the same time I’m hoping he will bring it up and talk to me at least (I feel like because of this there is some subconscious resentment that I feel towards him)
\- I can’t masturbate myself because of all this baggage
As we’ve been together for quite long I find it embarrassing to admit these details to anyone (including close friends). I don’t know what to do or how to vent
3 comments
Is everything else in the relationship good. It sort of sounds like there are communication issues going on that might be even more important than the sex. I’m also a touch confused by him getting hard when sex isn’t on the table. Why not just make out without any expectation every time and if he’s hard go from there?
What did he say when you tried to go down on him? It sounds to me like he’s self conscious more than not wanting it. It’s like “you don’t have to buy me a birthday gift….” Did you make clear you really want to do it? Does he let you do handjobs?
Hmm. My first time I had difficulty staying hard because I was nervous. If you were critical of him getting soft instead on being understanding, thats probably why he has difficulty. There’s nothing like shame or anxiety to kill an erection.
You may need to take the lead. Get naked together without the expectation of sex. Just make out and have fun. Play with his dick with your hand. Compliment it. Flirt with him. Make sure he knows you enjoy playing with it hard or soft. If there’s a good opportunity you can climb on top.
Sex is more than physical. Sounds like he needs to work on his anxiety, but also you both need to feel safe with each other and safe being vulnerable with each other. Building that emotional intimacy will help with your sex life.
Lastly, to build emotional intimacy you need to be vulnerable with each other and talk about difficult topics. This takes time, but it builds closeness.
I think he has anxiety and/or body image issues which is the root cause of his ED.
I like what the other poster said. Get naked, have fun and don’t focus on whether or not he’s hard or not. The paradoxical intention does work. You basically give up trying to do something like staying hard and just be. If he has a nice dick, you could praise him and tell him what you’d like to do with it. That might get him aroused enough to stay hard..