Since I was a kid, I regularly got kicked from clubs/sports. Not because of bullshit reasons like starting fights, or sexually inappropriate behaviors -because I’m autistic. Even if I do nothing, my natural behaviors make people uncomfortable. My stiff face, my stimming etc.
Luckily I became better at defending/standing-in for myself over time. Sadly, this often includes having to explain autism to people. Stuff that naturally includes a lot of subtext around ableism, society…and well the world.
Due to this I stay safe…but also end up not very “fun”. According to my mother (an ex-party girl) people want people that are “fun”, before they meet their hardships. I try to be fun. Hence I also not immediately crash into a place with my diagnosis. But on the flip side, it now always ends with people feeling bad about themselves, or cautious around me. And I still don’t make any friends.
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I think you are identifying with your problem too much. At some point you internalized everything and subconsciously blame yourself and your disorder for not being ‘fun’. It’s never progressive to be a victim, even if you have a legitimate reason. Explaining to someone else why your screwed up is a really self defeating way to express yourself. Especially if you are just meeting or not very close friends. Your thinking about your ‘faults’ too much and when you do that it becomes who you are.
So let’s say your name is Alana. When you think of yourself deep down, which of these best describes you?
1 I’m An autistic person named Alana?
2 I’m a girl named Alana that happens to be ‘autistic’?
3 I am girl named Alana. (‘trusting that who you are is naturally expressed)
Having “trigger warnings”for your faults isn’t good for you to carry that around. You say (or think) these preemptive things so ‘in case’ they don’t like you or find you weird you can have an self assurance policy. Subconsciously it’s all seen as simpering behavior and gives off social red flags.
Now I will say, there are people who will accept you even if you carry this around, and they will want to help you see yourself beyond that. But they are very very rare these days. Good people want you to be yourself to the best of your ability. They won’t look at you and think “autistic”. ‘Weird’. Everyone has idiosyncrasies. ‘Variety is the spice of life.’
You blame your autism but it’s probably more the environment you grew up in. Like everyone your age, the internet is absolutely wrecking social lives and development. To be young during this would have been disastrous for me… I was seen as autistic as a teenager, but I am not. I’m just sensitive and more passive with communication. I became very, very, good at ‘listening’ and ‘responding’.
Also, people don’t like having to deal with mutable traits in others. It’s very self deprecating and is seen as ‘simpering’ (ingratiating timid ness) You may have these disorders but you shouldn’t explain them to others. You should just be yourself. If you need a guide on that: being yourself should take no effort.