My boyfriend and I generally get along, but our relationship has faced challenges. Early on, I would raise my voice to be heard, which he perceived as mean, citing that his past partners never acted like me.
He admitted he didn’t love me for the majority of our relationship and compared me unfavorably to his ex, who he seemed to idolize. Later, while I was abroad, his ex visited him unplanned. She ended up asking him what he would do if she kissed him and he told me he didn’t put up any boundary and said they might meet up again. He wasn’t fully transparent about their meeting because he thought it was private between them, which intensified my insecurities. We communicated and he agreed he should have told mez but was adamant he did nothing wrong.
Recently, I discovered he’s been messaging another past fling without mentioning me, and plans to meet up with her. The bit that has upset me, is that during their conversation he told her about what his travels with me to Peru, and the UK, and our up and coming trip to Indonesia. Yet he never mentioned he had a girlfriend, even in passing. I feel like he should be upfront in telling her he had a girlfriend, even if just briefly mentioning it. It makes me worry he is fine with appearing single to people.
He also introduces me as a “friend,” which he attributes to cultural differences. My trust in him has been deeply shaken, and it’s causing anxiety. He acknowledges some mistakes but believes he hasn’t done anything majorly wrong.
I want advice on rebuilding trust and managing my anxiety before I resort to breaking up. Is my reaction proportionate to the situation? Or is this just my anxiety, because I believe he is being honest when I ask him about it, and he says he believes he hasn’t done anything wrong to be accusing him of trying to appear single.
TL,DR: my boyfriend has been in contact with his ex and his ex fling, and while he is honest when I find out and ask him, I can’t trust him because he is not transparent about it, and seems to be okay with appearing single. What can I do befor resorting to breaking up?
3 comments
You cannot “learn to trust” someone while they are giving you direct evidence that they are not *worthy* of trust.
And you shouldn’t try.
You are not the person he wants to be with. You are the person he is keeping on the hook in case the person he *wants* to be with (his ex) doesn’t decide to give him what he wants, or (failing that) that he can’t find someone else that he wants to be with more than you.
You’re not even his *second* choice. You’re a choice that he will fall back to if *someone he hasn’t even met yet* doesn’t come along.
His list of “people I want to be with” looks something like this:
1. My ex
2. My other ex
3. Someone I meet at random who thinks I’m single
4. More or less anyone I run into who is receptive
5. NarrowBrick
If you have any self-respect…any self-respect at *all*…you will kick him to the curb and stop begging for his attention like a dog begging for scraps at the table.
You are worth *so* much more than he is giving you, and you are worth so much more than you are *acting* like you are worth.
Two things are clear. 1) No, this isn’t your anxiety. And 2) yes, your reaction is proportionate to the situation. This is him failing to respect and care for you on the same level that you respect and care about him. Cultural differences or not, you are asking for the bare minimum and he’s failing at meeting this expectation. You could try to explain how his actions make you feel, but honestly I don’t think it would make a difference. He doesn’t sound like he’s committed, and at 20 years old you don’t need to be in a relationship like that. Enjoy your youth and figuring out who you are, instead of clinging onto a relationship that damages your trust and self esteem.
He is bluntly disrespectful. All throughout the post. Girl, run.
You can’t fix something that already dead. Just gaslight yourself to think it’s normal or acceptable. Dude isn’t worth it.