My boyfriend (26M) and I (25F) have been together for over 1.5 years now. We are very happy together. We have a pretty healthy relationship overall. But there is one thing about my boyfriend’s behaviour that has been bothering me for quite a while.
Context: I have been experiencing sickness on and off for over a year now. I was not bed ridden, but there were several weeks where I was not able to be active physically (run, exercise, wear heels, walk up and down the stairs etc). It took a long time and a lot of tests before I got diagnosed correctly. Turns out it is an auto immune condition which is extremely uncommon for people my age (I do not wish to share my diagnosis for privacy reasons).
Before receiving the correct diagnosis, my boyfriend used to get repeatedly exasperated at the fact that I’m not getting the correct treatment from the doctor/the fact that I’m not cured even after taking medicines. I understand where he’s coming from. He doesn’t want to see me in so much pain. I don’t blame the doctors because the issue I have is uncommon and I did not have all the typical symptoms pertaining to the condition. This made it hard for them to diagnose me. However, boyfriend has said several things like “Don’t go to that doctor anymore, I’ll take you to a better one”, “Is that (2nd) doctor even legit?”, “You’re wasting a lot of money on these tests, they’re all negative, I think the doctors are just after your money”. I don’t know if these words come from a place of care or because he has no confidence in me to take care of myself.
Currently, I suspect I caught a viral fever however I’m waiting for test results from the doctor. I do not have a cold or a cough. Just high fever. I was asked to get a fever profile done to find the underlying cause of my fever. The test did cost me some money but I can afford it, no big deal. However, my boyfriend says “it’s a waste of money to get that test done”, “my brother had the same thing, the doctor should have just prescribed me more antibiotics instead of these tests”, “I’ve never in my life gotten a fever profile test done and I’ve had fever several times”.
First of all, I’ve been feeling like absolute shit the past couple of days due to being ill. On top of that, I have to listen to his condescending words. BF is not a doctor. His family does have a few doctors, but he is not one. I don’t understand why he has to tell me every single medical procedure I get done “was not even necessary”. I understand he cares about me and doesn’t want my wallet ripped off (I pay for it on my own anyway), but his words make me feel like he does not trust me with my health whatsoever.
Can I have some advice on what exactly his behaviour means? How do I confront him that I do not like the way he speaks to me when I tell him about my health/doctor’s appointments?
TL;DR; Boyfriend thinks most medical tests I get done when I’m sick are unnecessary. I think he sounds very condescending. Please provide advice on how to confront him about it.
4 comments
I know you’re frustrated, but this is a conversation, not a confrontation. It’s an important distinction. If I had to guess, he may be feeling powerless, is generally distrustful of doctors, and is anxious, but you’ll have to ask him.
Try to put your thoughts together to have a sit down talk (or talks) about getting the two of you on the same page when it comes to your wellbeing and the new (hopefully temporary) normal, rather than focussing on trying to change his behaviour. This is new territory and it’s surprising how differently people can respond to health issues. My partner and I have each been on both sides of this conversation.
The main things to think about ahead of the chat are: what he is doing (he probably doesn’t realize it), how it impacts you and your relationship, what you need him to do instead, and why it is important to you. The things you want to learn from him is how he is feeling, why is he behaving this way, and what he needs from you.
Every single one of those how/what/why’s is important to get a better understanding of each other so you can approach this hand in hand, instead of it tearing you apart.
My partner can be like this sometimes. Idk if it’s his ADHD or what but it can add to my stresslevels and his behaviour doesn’t help.
I confronted him a couple of times. He says he comes from a scientist family (his father is a biochemist and his mom is a teacher) and he is interested in facts and science. He says that he grew up with this and is knowledgeable in it.
He is not. He is an artist.
So I said, that may be… but please what I need from you is comfort. Comfort. Hugs. Consolation. Kisses. Not added stress. Not facts not fear not science. But support. Care.
Let the doctors do their thing. And you… please. Do boyfriendy things from you. That’s what I need right now.
And I tought him this: I tought him that every time I call he has to ask me “do you need to vent and need me to listen, do you need me to act on anything or do you need advice?l”
And now most of the time that’s how we check in with each other. And sometimes we do need advice. And sometimes I do need him to act. But I’ve made it clear to him that most of the time I just need his support and his ears.
I just need him to listen. And say “aw poor baby.”
And that’s it.
And some guys really need CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and it shows.
I hope this helps you. X
He really needs to back off. By calling your treatment unnecessary, he’s acting like you don’t deserve care and I would tell him that. I would tell him that your doctors say you need these tests and you aren’t interested in his opinion about it.
You should tell him how his words make you feel and what kind of support you really need/would appreciate from him. If he ignores your feelings, than he should go.