My boyfriend (36y) of 2 years ghosted me(32y) over a small argument. In fact it didn’t even get to an argument.
Here’s the story :
We both live in different cities and were planning to meet after a duration of 3 months. Two days before(Saturday) he ghosted me we were discussing our plan about whether he’d visit me (he’d be here right now this moment if he hadn’t ghosted me lol), or I’d visit him. He talked about going to the same gym, getting me lunch from his place to the hotel we’d be staying in, everything was absolutely fine. Since it was a on short notice, I’d asked him to let me know soon since we’d have to book the tickets asap and based on whatever our plan was, I’d have to plan my week – groceries, day offs, meetings etc. He said he’d let me know the next day.
I reached out to him twice on Sunday, no response. That’s his usual behavior for a Sunday I’d say but this time it ticked me off because he’d clearly said he’d let me know the next day.
Monday morning he sends me a ‘Good morning baby’ text as if nothing happened and I responded ‘Don’t baby me.’ He still hadn’t responded to my calls or acknowledged them on text. He responds saying ‘Fine!’ This pisses me off even more. I call him, he declines. Twice. I ask him to let me know when he’ll call me back and he says ‘Just leave me be for a while.’
I don’t text/call him until the next evening because I thought he needed space. I definitely didn’t think it was over! Until I call him again 2 hours later and he still declines and doesn’t even call back. Now I panic. I start calling him desperately every half an hour only to be declined and text him that we need to resolve this. I also asked if he was okay whereas I was the one not doing very well. I told him I wasn’t doing well and needed to talk. Still ghosted. Suddenly the universe knocked some sense into me and instead of being all over he place I sent him a text explaining why I was pissed about sunday, I apologized for my text and told him that he was being unreasonable to make such a big deal out of something so tiny and I wanted to work through it. No response. I couldn’t sleep that night.
I sent him a text again today saying that we can work through anything if he’d just talk to me once. I don’t think I’m going to get a response but at least I know that I gave it everything I could.
It feels like someone’s ripping my heart out of my chest. It might seem like I’m exaggerating but that’s just how it feels right now. It sucks! I’ve walked my broken heart around for the past two days.
I’m quite self aware so I stuck to my exercise and diet regime, watched a movie in a theatre alone, cried my eyes out. I know it’s over and I won’t say that I won’t be able to live without him because I am. It’s just that, I don’t connect with a lot of people on a romantic level easily and I’m scared that I won’t find what I had with him again(ghosting personality aside). I’m thinking rationally as well when it comes to his behavior, if he couldn’t handle the first tiny argument we were about to have, how would he respond if it was something much worse. He’s also going through a rough divorce(since 3 years) so I had apologized for my behavior keeping in mind that there must be a lot on his plate.
We’ve spent some really good moments together until the last day. We used to speak to each other on video call everyday. I miss him terribly and more so because the end came as a shock when I least expected it.
TL;DR;
What I fail to understand is, how can someone be so much in love with someone one day and not have any remorse the next to ghost them? Is he not going to miss me at all? Does the relationship of 2 years mean nothing to him? And if it does, why wouldn’t he text or call back?
6 comments
This is going to be so hard to hear. I’m sorry for that.
There is a difference for loving a ‘certain someone’ and loving ‘anyone who can give the wants/needs in the moment’. Unfortunately, if he loved you for you, he couldn’t ghost you. He loves what you provided.
Heart breaks suck. I’m sorry :/
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. It sucks and you’ve got every right to feel hurt. It’s bad enough breaking up with someone but to be ghosted must be horrible, especially after two years.
I can’t say whether or not he’s going to miss you and I’m not going to risk saying anything that’s going to rub salt in your wounds. Just know that you deserve better than being treated like this. Stay strong, you can and will get through this xxx
I’m verry sorry this happened to you. Honestly, based on the timeline of events as you describe it, I suspect he had no intention of following through with the meetup to begin with, and was looking for any excuse to bail and ghost. Even before his good morning text, it sounds like your communication was spotty, at a time where it was vital to keep in touch because plans and arrangements had to be made, no less. I wonder if he’d already decided he was done with long distance and too scared of confrontation to open up about it. In any case, I don’t think this came out of nowhere and I believe that with time and perspective, you’ll see this person for who he really is. A scared, irresponsible, immature little dude. There’s bigger and better out there for you.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, and it’s clear that you’re hurting from his ghosting.
In the immediacy, what can you do for yourself so that you’re not triggered by his actions? Can you do something that ‘fills your cup’ so that he can do anything and it won’t trigger you (much)?
PS: Eventually, I’d take some time to think bigger and longer-term (and not do a contrast and compare with your bf initially): How do you want to be treated in life? What is the kind of relationship that would make you happy? How would you love to communicate with your other half? How responsive and reliable would you like them to be?
Ah – you said the magic words. “He’s also going through a rough divorce (since 3 years)”.
Someone going through a contentious divorce is not ready to date. They might think they are ready to date. They may never go back to their ex. But being ready to date doesn’t just mean being single… it means being able to be open and vulnerable to another person. It means being emotionally available to them, being ready to go through the good times AND the bad.
If this is your first argument and he ghosted at just a hint of a disagreement, it means he’s not ready or capable of all that (or maybe he was always like that and it was a contributing factor to the divorce).
It is what it is – but it’s not ok! You can’t be little miss sunshine all the time. In a healthy relationship, you need to be able to express yourself and your frustrations. Not doing so would be doing your relationship a disservice and would just cause you to hold onto resentments (which is poison to a relationship).
Yes, I’m sure he’ll still think about you. And he may even come back around. But you are currently being “taught” that speaking your mind is not ok – and that is a cancer to any relationship.
“Sorry – I don’t hear back from you so I didn’t book the tickets.” End of story. Let people show you whether they are unreliable or not. Once they do, YOU decide whether to continue the relationship (as is – it’s too hard trying to change people because they DON’T) or not.