Am I (37F) naive enough to not realise that my husband (43M) is not into women

Long story. I grew up in a traditional countryside lifestyle with limited exposure to the city life, night life etc…no excuse, just maybe relevant.

My husband and I met 15 years ago through. He was my first and only boyfriend and male experience. We have been married almost 11 years. We have one child (8F). We live in a beautiful coastline city.

He has always had ED issues and through the years he has blamed it on various different aspects. First, medication, then low testosterone, then work stress, etc etc. We would be intimate maybe once every 3 to 4 months but never passionately. He “dislikes” kissing and foreplay is “waste”. Even lingerie doesn’t attract him because “it comes off anyway”.

Our child was planned and conceived on scheduled sex. He would become angry and dismissive whenever I raised our issues. I asked him to get professional help countless times but he has refused because “nothing is wrong with me”. Recently he has shifted blame to me saying that he is not attracted to me and also that our issue has always been vaginismus. My doctor disagrees on the latter.

Our frustration has turned into him “hating” me and bring unable to be in my presence. He basically walked out on us 2 months ago asking for divorce and refuses therapy or even talking to me.

In hindsight as I puzzle through making sense of things, a few factors to note. He isn’t romantic, he isn’t really involved in childcare. He loves to be well groomed and has a strange obsession with cologne. I found many packs of unused enhancers and can’t figure why he would ever need that much. He doesn’t do anything typically masculine like fix things in the house or tend to our cars, play sport etc. He does exercise regularly and loves his guitar. He watches tv in all his home time. He avoids our bedroom and loves his couch which he often sleeps on as force of habbit.

He takes about 2hrs to shower and dress every morning. He doesn’t have many male friends, mainly female with whom he can be very touchy in the sense of touching their face or arm when speaking. He has his own private bathroom and I recently discovered a 2nd mobile device. He is a lawyer and generally conversations and interactions are simply dismissed as “private & confidential”.

He is not the jealous sort and never questions my male interactions or work trips. He loves facials, massages, good clothes and shoes. He would never get his hands dirty in the garden etc. We have lived as roommates and I’ve just accepted that I’m not attractive enough to him. He keeps me a great distance away from his extended family and child hood friends.

He is generally a helpful caring person but not a lover. He calls me a whore for wanting intimacy and recently told me to go find it elsewhere. He lists reasons for wanting a divorce as emotional abuse. He alleges that I constantly ridicule and belittle him by making him feel “small and inadequate”. He claims that I do this whenever we are alone.

He has purchased a new fully furnished apartment for himself. He has blocked calls from me and any communication must be via his lawyer friend. He allowed our child to visit him once. He prefers that I raise her with him having only holiday contact.

I have always loved him and accepted him. I don’t think I know what a true relationship experience ought to be. I feel used and played for a fool. I am sad and disappointed. I don’t know what to feel or think. I don’t want to hurt our child’s feelings and have her in play therapy.

Have I been blind and fooled throughout our relationship. Is my husband attracted to men? I think I know the answer. He denies it outright. I need to hear the truth without seeing crazy so that I can sort out my life mess. I do care for him greatly. His parents, siblings and friends have all been ghosting me and my extended family and friends since he walked out. I have not yet received official divorce papers or a parenting recommendation by any third part appointed expert. What’s my situation Reddit?