My wife and I met about 4 years ago and got married recently. My brother [30, M] has had a great relationship and friendship with her ever since they met.
My brother met someone through the apps not long ago and are hitting it off nicely. Both of us were very excited for him since he has had a hard time in the dating scene. We always have football watch parties at his place and he told us we would be able to meet her at the next one.
We met her yesterday. Turns out, his new SO is my wife’s high school bully. When they met, they recognized each other cordially, maybe a bit awkward, but afterwards I could tell my wife was super uncomfortable. We made up an excuse and left early. On the way home, she told me about her bully, but not with a lot of detail.
Before going to bed, she told me I need to demand my brother that he stop seeing her. I know she was distressed, but I don’t know if I can do this. My limited interaction with her was pleasant. There were no other obvious red flags from her bully I could detect. Maybe I could warn my brother about her, but I do not think I can make demands on his own love life. If someone came to me and demanded I stop seeing my wife when we started dating, I would have told them to fuck off.
I can see this might strain their friendship. Any advice? Thanks in advance!
33 comments
You can limit contact with your wife’s bully, because the gf is her bully. The effects remain years after the incident.
You can talk to your brother as to why you will be limiting contact, but you cannot dictate as to who your brother can date or cannot date.
No you don’t have any right to demand your brother stop seeing this woman but at the same time you can’t expect your wife to want to be around that woman which may put a strain on the relationship with you and your brother and I don’t see this ending well for at least one of these relationships
You don’t have the right to demand your brother stops seeing this person. But I don’t think you’d be out of line to tell him that she used to bully your wife and your wife clearly doesn’t want to be around her. He may make his own decision to end the relationship or he may not.
You can tell him their past history but there isn’t much else you can do.
Explain that you won’t be around if she is there if that is the route you decide to go down.
Has bully ever apologised?
Tell your brother everything your wife said to you, but don’t attempt to tell him to stop seeing her. It is up to him what to do with that information. Better he knows now before they get more serious.
Give him a heads up as to why your wife will be acting weird from now on.
Although he might tell the bully and she might not even remember. So be ready for the fallout.
You would be overstepping to ask him to stop seeing her, but the people saying your wife is unhinged are being naive too. High school bullying can be terrible and intense, something pretty awful must have happened for your wife to be so uncomfortable interacting with this woman. Without knowing how inappropriate this womans actions were as a teenager, don’t discount that she may have assaulted your wife in her earlier years, perhaps repeatedly. You need to protect your wife and support her emotionally, that may mean having very limited contact with your brother for the duration of the relationship. She is perfectly entitled to never see her bully again. If he asks why he sees less of you two, you can tell him the circumstance and let him know about any past situations your wife is comfortable sharing. I suspect it was pretty traumatic/ humiliating if she struggled to go into detail when telling you about it. When choosing a partner, compatibility with existing family members matters to some people more than others. If he values his partner having a cordial relationship with your wife, he may dissolve the relationship on his own, but that’s different than telling him he can’t see her.
You don’t tell your brother who to date, you just let him know that his new girlfriend is your wife’s high school bully and because of that you’re going to have to limit contact with him whenever he’s with her. Then it’s up to him to choose.
You can’t demand your brother stop seeing this woman, but you can tell him the history and that your wife will limit contact with him as long as he’s seeing this person and he can decide for himself if this new relationship is worth the damage it can cause to the relationship he has with you and your wife.
You wife has 100% say on who she socializes with. She has 0% say in who other people date.
I’d be straight up with your brother. “Wife was bullied by your new GF in high school so she’s decided that GF won’t be welcome in our home. She will also skip any events where GF is invited. I get that people change, and sometimes they do. But GF was a bully to Wife so neither of us is going to be doing anything with you as a couple.”
Your brother can decide how to proceed from there.
No, you don’t have that right, BUT you can explain the situation to your brother and tell him that you will have no contact with her going forward. If I saw my high school bully now, I’d straight up punch him in the throat, so I can see why your wife is upset.
Your wife doesn’t get to tell him to stop seeing her (and you even less so, since you have no firsthand history with her), but your wife is totally within her own rights to tell him in excruciating detail about her history with this person, especially in the context of explaining why she won’t be attending any events where the new girlfriend is present.
If the family tries to pressure your wife into making nice she should feel free to tell mortifying stories from their past at the dinner table at gatherings.
Odd title you used OP. Your wife doesn’t want to interact with your brother’s new SO who is her childhood bully. Absolutely reasonable position.
And no, you don’t get to dictate who others see. What you should do, and it sounds like you haven’t, is let your brother know that he is dating your wife’s childhood bully, and that you will not be participating in events where she is present.
In your brother’s position, I would want to know what went down way back when, as that will likely be new information for him that he can then factor in to the decision about whether to keep dating his partner. Your wife may not be comfortable sharing that information, which is her right, but then you’re having your brother make decisions on incomplete information.
Here’s the thing, your wife obviously has a trauma associated with her Bully. Regardless of what your interactions were with your Wife’s Bully, your wife’s experience still happened and her feelings here are valid – and you need to validate that for her. Of *course* your Wife’s Bully is going to be on her best behavior in front of her new boyfriend’s family. Of *course* your Wife’s Bully is going to kind and sweet to you and mask her mean and bullying tendencies. She has something to lose.
However, you don’t have any “say” in your brother’s love life, but you can help your own Wife by telling your brother that because of your Wife’s experience with Her Bully in the past, you and her are not interested in pursuing a relationship with your Wife’s Bully going forward. While you will be cordial, you either will not interact with her at larger family functions (Gray Rock), you will not attend functions in her honor, and you will not attend more intimate functions where avoidance would be obviously rude or impossible.
You can also have a serious conversation with your wife about working on this in therapy if the relationship with your brother and her Bully gets serious and it starts to seriously strain the family dynamic. However, that would also require that your Wife’s Bully also admit and atone for her bullying behavior and work to develop a genuine and positive relationship with your wife.
You can’t ask him to breakup, but I think you can absolutely share the information with your brother so he understands why your wife may not interact when the new girlfriend is around.
I’d suggest you not create a friendship with this woman and look like you’re taking her side. Do things with your brother or with you, your wife, and your brother. See how their new relationship works. Maybe over time this woman will acknowledge what she did, apologize, and they can at least coexist.
Keep your wife’s back please.
I think the only thing you can do is explain to your brother that his new SO is your wife’s HS bully and that she is upset.
However, you are right that you can’t demand that he stops seeing his new SO. People CAN change once they reach adulthood, not all HS bullies will remain the same as they were. Your wife’s bully might not be the same person as they were in HS.
They may even be willing to apologize to your wife and try to make amends in the future.
She can decide to not spend time with her but she can’t dictate who another adult can date. May be worth talking to your brother about the history there so that her bully can acknowledge what she did an apologise etc
I absolutely hate my brother-in-laws girlfriend. His whole family does, she’s a terrible person. But it’s his choice. I avoid her when I can and am polite but distant when I can’t. That’s about all we can do. That and move an hour away. The rest of the family is considering doing the same.
I mean, you can tell your brother what your wife said and let him know that your wife won’t be around his girlfriend (this could make family holidays sticky if they get married) but you cannot and should not tell you brother who to date.
Perhaps this woman has changed since high school and will be apologizing to your wife. Perhaps she hasn’t.
Your wife doesn’t need to be friends or even like her BIL’s partners. She has no say – but she also doesn’t haven’t to be close or friends with her either. It’s ok if she doesn’t want to do watch parties there anymore and save seeing her for family holidays.
You can’t demand, and neither can your wife.
You can, however, inform.
“Brother, you need to know about Girlfriend’s history with Wife. They knew each other in high school, and Girlfriend bullied Wife. Their meeting the other day was incredibly awkward for Wife. I just think you should know that things are going to change in terms of the time you, me and Wife spend together as long as Girlfriend is in the picture, because Wife very understandably does not want to be around Girlfriend. It’s an unfortunate situation, but I have to be respectful of Wife’s feelings in this. Girlfriend cannot come to our home, Wife will be avoiding events where Girlfriend is in attendance, and the four of us cannot socialize together.”
I would caution you on one thing. This situation is fraught, and your wife’s feelings about Girlfriend are probably very strong and very deep. And if you decide to have a relationship with Girlfriend, there is a every chance that your wife will see that as a betrayal on your part. I am not suggesting that you shun her entirely, or be rude to her, but you would be wise to be civil but to keep your distance from her.
More info needed – how bad was it and does she feel remorse? A lot will depend on how the bully handles it now.
I was bullied very badly. The ringleader apologized to me years later and MEANT it. I bear no ill will. It is possible to move on, but the bully has to be able to be a decent human now.
Your wife also has the right to feel and act however she needs to to protect herself. I hope she can heal either way, those wounds are deep. Make sure you are in her corner first.
No you can’t demand he stops seeing her. You can’t nor should you control him. But what you can do is inform him of his gf’s past hurtful actions and bullying against your wife and let him know that because of that she (or both of you if you choose) won’t be around her so you’ll be skipping out on get togethers and prefer to spend time with him without her when possible. Then he gets to choose what he wants to do and whether your wife’s (and potentially your) absence at social events is a consequence worth dating this girl. There’s no right to demand anything here. You can only express your level of engagement and then follow through with not being around them if he continues to date her and refuses to spend time separately without her.
Sit down with your brother and your wife. Ask her to tell you and the brother everything that happened and how it made her feel. Sometimes the actions of childhood bullies may seem like not that big a deal to adults but it’s the “how it made her feel” and the impact on her as a child that needs to be listened to and honored. Then once the brother knows what he needs to know, he can decide for himself how to go forward.
It’s possible the bully girl already told him a bunch of stuff and is really regretful and would like to apologize. (Your wife doesn’t have to forgive her, BTW.) This is why a face to face about this issue needs to be had. Messaging about it will not give either of you the full picture of what she went through.
I wouldn’t make a demand but I’d explain to him why your wife is not going to go near the bully (or you either, don’t know what you plan to do). You owe it to him to tell him about the bullying. He’s your flesh and blood. You can’t demand though. You can also tell off the bully. And tell all the rest of your family that this woman is a bully. I personally would tell any new person who hadn’t heard the story, in front of the bully herself, all the shitty things she did.
First of all your brothers relationship is none of your business or your wife’s business. He can see who he wants.
I actually wouldn’t say anything to your brother about this yet, I would wait to see if this girl fesses up to your brother first.
If she is a decent human being now, she’ll be telling your brother what she did, and how much she regrets it.
If she does not, I would approach your brother and explain this to him. See what his reaction is and go from there.
Because your brothers girlfriend was the bully, it’s totally on her to reach out to your wife to try and make amends.
No, you can’t control who your brother dates.
But you can control who you allow into your home and who you associate with.
Talk with your brother and tell him the situation and that his no s/o isn’t welcome because of your wife’s feelings over bullying by her.
Hopefully it won’t work out and you won’t have to del with it much longer. But be prepared t deal with it if they stay together.
Demand? No. Ask your brother to speak privately and explain your wife’s discomfort and why you left early? Sure.
At the end of the day, it’s up to your brother if he wants to keep dating this woman. And it’s up to you and your wife if that means you will potentially limit contact with your brother over that choice.
Honestly, you do need to tell your brother that his new girlfriend bullied your wife in high school. He needs to know that sooner rather than later. Who knows, maybe he can get her to apologize to your wife. But be clear that while he’s always welcome in your home, she is not with things as they stand.
You have no say in who your brother dates unfortunately. You can tell him what she told you, but to demand your brother not see his girlfriend is ludicrous.
“Hey bro, my wife and your SO have a history, here it is… I hope she’s changed, but I wanted you to go into this with eyes wide open so you can see any red flags that you may otherwise miss…”
That’s about the best and only place your opinion has here. Here’s hoping the GF apologizes and your wife gets over what happened in high school.
Stay out of this mess. Your brother is an adult. Your wife needs to be a grown up & figure out a way to deal with this as an adult. It’s been a while since high school. Wonder if she today would like to be judged for the person she was in high school? Probably not..