Hi all,
I am very conflicted at the moment and am writing this in hopes that maybe people here can offer some advice.
To give some context, my aunt who lives in MA bought a home with her husband a year ago. This home used to be 3 separate apartments converted into one family home. They planned to convert the property back to apartments and rent 2 out for additional passive income. My family is not wealthy and they saved a very long time to buy this home and this was their retirement plan. Cut to a year later my aunts husband divorced her and ran away with his mistress and left her with all the financial burden of this property. Which is extensive, considering they were in the middle of home improvements and had hired multiple contractors at the time.
My aunt is currently working 3 jobs and barely making ends meet so she asked me if I could move in with her to help her financially and she offered me one of the apartments to live in or rent it out for additional income. She also does not have her own kids.
If I was alone I would move back in a heartbeat. She raised me and my sister after my parents divorced and essentially gave up on being parents. She raised me since highschool and helped me through college so I consider her more of a mother than my egg donor. My sister is not in a position to help financially because she is currently in a PHD program in another state and still has 4 more years before she will be done.
However, my boyfriend who I have been dating for 3 years now and I love very much did not take it well when I brought up moving back to help her. We moved from MA to CO a year ago and are building a life here. He does not want to move back to MA because he found this amazing job here and does not want to lose it (the reason we moved to CO). He said he feels like I am abandonding him and the life we are building together. He also does not want to do long distance because he thinks they never work out in the end and does not want to lose me.
So I am very conflicted. I feel like I owe my aunt my life and I want to help her. But I am not in a financial position to support my life in CO and help her financially at the same time. My boyfriend is not close with his family so I don’t think he understands where I am coming from but I still don’t want to lose him.
What do you guys think I should do?
37 comments
How would it help her financially
Do you want to lose your past or your future? You can’t help everyone, and even if you go back, there is no guarantee that you will be able to bail her out, and then you will both be left with nothing. No housing or bf.
She needs to abandon the house, cut her losses, and get an apartment.
You clearly aren’t that invested in a future with this guy, so just break up and go back home. It’s insane to ask him to give up his job and his future to help your aunt.
While it’s nice you want to help your aunt, I don’t think it’ll work. Ultimately she can no longer afford her home and needs to downsize and live within her means. Her ex screwed her over, and now she has to work 3 jobs to make ends meet? No, that’s not even sustainable short term. I hope she can get something from the divorce, but it sounds like she didn’t. Time to abandon such a large expensive project, and find a new place to call home.
Even if you helped her, in the long term the money wouldn’t work out unless she was able to make back all her losses through rent, and that would take quite a few years.
I think your aunt is in denial on this property investment. It is going to be much harder to handle as a single person than with a partner especially with all of the money to sink into renovations. Her husband should be accountable for the debt in part, I think it’s fair if your boyfriend to be frustrated and want a clean break if you move back.
Aunt needs to sell them home. You will need to choose aunt or BF.
You have to choose between your bf and your aunt. I’d be pissed if I were your bf.
Personally I think it’s insane that you would entertain moving back. It’s so unfair to the person you made the decision with as partners to abandon that if everything is going well
If i was your boyfriend id be incredibly hurt
OP, your aunt needs to sell the property and let go of her dream. She simply can’t do it alone and it’s not your fault, it’s the fault of your uncle who failed to hold his end of their deal. Also, I think both you and your aunt overestimate just how much you can actually help her out with your contribution.
I know you feel that you owe her, but this isn’t the way to show your gratitude. There will be more chances. Pass on this one and wait for the next opportunity.
You don’t need to go. She can rent out what she has to others now.
She is asking you to give up your life, your boyfriend, your future. That’s a big ask. Too big.
And he’s right. The chances of you two making it if you
Move back are very low. You have no time table for how long it will take, and you can’t expect him to push pause and wait, or give up a great career to move back.
Your aunt should be going after her ex for help. Asking you to give up your life is pretty shitty.
I’m sorry but this is ridiculous. It’s different you lived in the area and were looking for an apartment and moving into her rental would be a win-win. But to want to uproot your life and your partners to help her is absurd.
It’s also very manipulative of her to even ask or suggest you do this.
Helping your family is one thing. Giving up your current life and your relationship is a whole other thing. Your Aunt has had some misfortune and a shitty husband. For her own health and decent life she needs to let this house go as it is no longer sustainable for her. She can’t work 3 jobs just to keep the lights on forever. She’ll ruin her health in a short time. She needs to think of her future and you need to live your own life. I understand and admire your loyalty and love for her but as the saying goes ‘don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm’. That’s what you would be doing if you leave CO and move to MA.
What do YOU want? Not what you feel like you have to do, but what do you want? If it’s to stay in Colorado then you need to do that. Your aunt loves you and she will or should understand. If she has two units to rent, maybe she can do a work/live thing and give someone a great deal. You don’t owe her everything for taking care of you as a child. It’s a wonderful thing to do, but adults who raise children don’t expect you to give up everything, well good adults. Unless you want to end it with your BF this would be a huge mistake. It’s not your fault.
Your aunt needs to accept the plan has changed and she cant handle this task. Investments dont always work out.
I would not uproot my life so she can fulfill her dream of becoming a landlord.
I absolutely get why you want to help but I don’t think this plan would work. You’d be ending your relationship for a last ditch attempt to help that’s doomed.
That 1500 a month is no way enough to get her out of this hole. It just isn’t. I’ve done construction and renovation on my own home. 1500 is nothing. You won’t actually be helping enough. By the time you use utilities and pay taxes etc, she’ll be getting a few hundred dollars extra. It won’t fix her problem.
Then you’ll be stuck in MA, without the man you love, living in a construction site, with your aunt begging you to find some way to get more money.
She’s going to be burnt out and penniless if she does this even with your help. I understand why she feels desperate and scared but you can’t fix it. Even if it would work, it’s to much to ask of you. It’s cruel to you and your boyfriend.
She’s probably going to lose money but she needs to sell and move on. This isn’t viable and you going there will just very slightly delay the inevitable and likely cost her more money in the long run. In a few months (maybe even only a couple) you’ll be homeless along with her and you’ll be so upset that you tanked your life for a hopeless cause.
The are ways you can support her but this isn’t it. You can’t afford it financially or personally.
I’m in full agreement with your boyfriend, and I totally understand you wanting to help your aunt. You need to decide if moving across country and helping your aunt is worth your relationship. Maybe let your aunt know that if you were to move, it would be the end of your relationship. Hopefully she’ll do the right thing and tell you never mind, then sell it or do what she needs to do.
While I understand and applaud your desire to help your aunt, I don’t think you should move back. You made a commitment to your boyfriend, for one thing; and for another, you can’t live your life for another person.
You are presumably planning a life together with your boyfriend, which means you’ve decided he’s “the one.” If you give that up, won’t you regret it?
I’m sorry for your aunt, it sounds like she’s going through an incredibly difficult time. But at worst, she sells out. If you do this, your whole future could be ruined.
Question
Do you have a job in MA already? If you dont you are basically moving to be unemployed. How does that help anyone financially? I sure you could eventually find a job, but if you don’t have one before you go there you are just adding more debt into the mix.
There are jobs and there are careers. If your boyfriend has a career, it would be stupid for him to move and lose a career to take up a job. He needs to stay.
You would be better off getting a second job and just sending you aunt the money from that second gig.
She needs to sell the house and regroup. The amount of money you bring to the situation is not going to be enough to renovate a triplex unless you want to do this for a decade or so. In that case a multi year long distance relationship where one person is working towards building someone other than themselves and their partners future is not going to last.
Don’t move back to MA. She helped to raise you, but that doesn’t mean you owe her your life. She helped raise you so you could HAVE a life. If you go back, you will be giving up the wonderful life you are living. Help her to sue her husband for alimony, but don’t abandon the man you love to help your aunt stay in a property she can no longer afford. See if she can get a loan to help cover the renovations. Do anything except move back.
She should just sell it, if there is no equity it sounds bad but maybe bankruptcy . At least she won’t owe anything .
Basically Yiurnchoice are crap and crappier. Either way younwill
Hate what happens to the other person . Would she ever consider moving to Colorado or where younare minis cost if living to high . You might be able to let her live with you for a few months
Of course your BF didn’t take it well. You’re wanting to either uproot both of your lives or live in a long-distance relationship while you help your aunt dig her way out of this mess.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Your aunt is in a terrible situation through no fault of her own, but it’s also not your responsibility to help fix it. You have your own life to live, and you are building a future with your partner. Offer to help your aunt sell the place, but you and your sister both have good reasons not to be available to help. Don’t take on this burden to protect your sister either. Just…don’t do it.
Yes, your aunt did a great thing by helping raise you, but people shouldn’t raise children with the expectation of being owed/cared for later in life. Your aunt needs to sell this place, downsize, live within her means, and NOT put this burden on you.
You are about to set yourself on fire to keep her warm. You’re going to move in with her and your potential husband is going to move on with his life. How are you going to feel when what could have been doesn’t happen. Resentful bitter absolutely devastated. Can she sell the house and come to Colorado. I find this to be very off-putting for somebody to ask you to give up your life to make their life better I do not find that to be fair 😕
She needs to sell it.
Help her in a different way by finding resources for her. Do not sacrafice your life and your boyfriend to do this. Find another way. If she can give out the apartment to you to rent. YOu can rent it out from there. This is a poor choice, and frankly your relationship will not survive. I am surprised you are even considering this. There are way to help from where you are. Social media campaigns to help rent it out…
This woman is willing to leave her bf in a new space and jobs to move back with an aunt to quit her jobs and live in a construction work zone for year + to get nothing out of value from the house eventually
i get where you are coming from but this is a really shitty ask to put on your shoulders, she needs to just sell while she can and walk away / move on with her life. she’s being held back by this building thing and needs to go live her own life, as do you. it’s unfair to especially you but her as well
Your aunt is a grown ass adult and needs to come up with other ideas that don’t break up your relationship.
You’re gonna lose your boyfriend, a good life and end up in debt alongside your aunt. What happens if there is a setback with the renovations and your amount isn’t enough? What if you lose your job or she loses the one she keeps? Best bet is to sell while she can and try to get above water now.
As someone who has worked with contractors I can tell you right now your 1500 isn’t going to solve her problems. She’s living in a house she can’t afford. She needs to have the work stopped and sell it as is. She won’t make all her money back but it will solve the immediate issue. Your biggest issue is that you’ve basically told your boyfriend he is disposable and your aunt comes before him and the life you were building together. Now that he knows he’s not a priority for you I think this is gonna have an effect on your relationship for sure.
I think your Aunt is in a panic and grasping at straws. The best help you can give her is a calm, compassionate audience as she works through her options. Is the Uncle on the mortgage and construction loans? Have they split up the property officially? If he handed all over to her, which is now mostly debt, can she get an investor to co-own the property with her? Can she revisit the property settlement in court? You can’t fix or even be expected to fix the poor decision your Uncle made when he threw away his marriage and retirement plan in one careless act.
I would talk through some options with your Aunt with compassion. If it’s possible, can you and your BF offer her a temporary home in CO if she must divest her self of the money pit? She might appreciate a fresh start in a new environment.
Your aunt is in denial on this property investment. She needs to sell the house and make a new plan. She is asking you to give up a period when you are in the prime of your life to make her (extremely shaky) plan work.
I am sure you love your aunt, but if she really loves you she would not ask you to make such a sacrifice.
This makes no financial sense and there is a lot of missing info here.
She needs to halt the reno’s and spend her money consulting a lawyer. Your $1500 will not fix this problem in the long run since contractors get paid a lot more than that.
I noticed you also said her plan was to drop down to just 1 job. She’s already drowning here, she needs MORE money, not the same money but from a different source. She needs to find a way to sell the house, pay off the contractors and start over.
You also need to get clarification on who actually owns the house. Unless it’s in just her name then she’s killing herself for a house that he can come and force her to sell at any time.
I understand why he’s pissed. You’re picking your aunt over your relationship. If you move, the relationship is dead.
Your SO is right. You are considering moving back but can you actually help her financially? And ok, you live there and help but will you actually have equity in the house? Is your aunt legally divorced? Or will husband dearest come back when all the work is done and demand she sells and he takes off with equity he never actually earned? Whose name is on the mortgage/deeds etc? This is not as simple as “i’ll go help”. You aren’t talking about moving a lawn, you are looking at years of investing time and money into a property that you do not own and potentially someone can take all your investments away.
Your SO has a job that was worth moving halfway across the country for – so I’m assuming this is a big part of your financial security. If you move back, chances are high your relationship won’t survive. How much resentment can you handle and how much resentment will ruin your relationship with your aunt? Also you mentioned the property is still being worked on. Are you ok with living on a building site? Where would you put all your stuff? How badly would it hurt financially to pay for moving back?
Please explain sunk cost bias to your aunt and why real estate is NOT the holy grail of investments.
She needs to sell this house
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm