I’ve been married with (we call her Emily) for five years, always believing in the foundation we built together. When she got the opportunity for a new job in a different city, I didn’t hesitate. We packed our bags, and I moved with her, leaving behind my steady job and the life we’d known. I thought, “This is what you do for love, right?
Trying to establish myself in this new city as an HVAC contractor hasn’t been easy. Despite my efforts, calls have been low, and job opportunities have been even lower than ever. There have been many nights when I’ve felt defeated, questioning our decision to move. She does help me a bit financially until I get myself together, but I feel like a complete s*** and a burden. Also, we did speak about getting a child together once I managed to get more customers.
Besides this personal struggle, I noticed Emily growing close with a colleague (lets name him Mark). Initially, I thought it was just a friendly bond. But the later home comings, constant messages, and the distance I felt from Emily made my doubts creep in. One evening, her phone flashed with a message from Mark that said “Don’t pretend like you didn’t feel the same thing” When I read that, I felt like I passed out, and tried to convince myself that it was work related. But let’s be honest, how stupid does that sound? They are both lawyers, and he has a great income and is good looking.
I couldn’t go more than two days before taking it up with her. Confronting her was the hardest thing I’ve done. She admitted to crossing a line with Mark, saying it was a mistake and that she still loved me. I want to believe her. I want to believe in us. But the pain of her betrayal, combined with the struggle to find my base in this new city, has left me feeling isolated and broken. She admitted that she kissed with him, but nothing more has happened, and that is confirmed by the way. She wrote a very respectful message to Mark, indicating that their relationship should be kept at a professional level, and nothing more than that.
My self confidence is completely gone, and all I can think about is her and Mark when she is working. This has been two weeks ago, and those hours when she is working has been the longest ever, it’s like I always want to observe her, but at the same time I don’t want to be that guy. I am anxious all the time, when a message kicks in, when she is just 5-10 minutes late from work, even when I’m preparing food for us and she is in the dinning room.
Basically it has just been a nightmare. And my job situation is definitely not making it better, making me kind of dependent on her, so I just have to obey everything and not be too anxious.
Posting this online because, with this whirlwind of emotions, I need guidance. Would it even be possible to forgive something like that? What about kids? What about the future? I’ve sacrificed so much, and for what? Moving was the worst decision ever.
TL;DR:
Moved to a new city for wifes job and struggling with my HVAC career. Noticed wife growing close to a colleague. Confronted her after a suspicious message. She admitted to a brief moment but set boundaries. Feeling lost and constantly anxious, especially with job stress. Need advice on our relationship’s future.
24 comments
It’s done bro, time to sack it and hit reset
I feel like you need a break from her. Get out on your own and prove to yourself you can do it. Lean into your fears.
Being dependent on her like this isn’t doing either of you any good.
I know if it were me, I’d be having major trust problems with her going forward because of her actions and that wouldn’t be fair to me. Especially while she still worked around Mark.
My advice, leave. Move north, HVAC is a license to print money up here. If she’s really that into you, she’ll follow. But from the outside looking in, I don’t know if I’d want her too. Let her go be with Mark.
Get that HVAC business going. It will be great. Get commercial contracts
Get a lawyer now when your income is low. Hell live out of your truck
If she wants R she must quit that job move back to your work area.
Just a KISS adults don’t just kiss. You know that that is why you are feeling so shitty. She is lying
Counseling, now. For you as a couple to work through reconciliation, and for you individually to work on your anxiety and to deal with the emotions from her betrayal. She’s broken trust, do not let her sweep this under the rug by claiming to have established boundaries. It’s too late for that, and respectful messages to the affair partner be damned, that’s not worth anything when they work together and see each other every day.
You are going to continue to feel that anxiety for a very long time. It’s going to take a long time to reestablish trust, and it may never happen. You need to have a full open phone policy, you have the passcode to her phone and can look through it at any time and for any reason, or for no reason at all other than to reassure yourself.
You should check out r/survivinginfidelity, they have a lot of good information to help you.
Good luck OP, even if the affair is really over, your journey of reconciliation is just beginning. Best of luck to you.
Time to go home OP.
You are getting gaslighted and the worst of it all is that you gaslight yourself, too. She is not the one, I’m sorry. I know you feel like a loser but you are not one. Find happiness but don’t cling to people who don’t appreciate you, don’t get desperate. Never lie to yourself. Get your life in order, if you’re dependent on her atm then continue unless oyu can stand on your own feet, then move on.
“We just kissed.”
Please, OP, stop deluding yourself.
You know they did more than that.
And if her “working late” pattern with her affair partner is continuing, it’s almost guaranteed that the affair is still going on.
That’s the situation. That’s the position you are in.
Your wife is having an affair with another man and you need to make the decision whether or not you will accept it or end the marriage.
Ball is in your court; make a move.
This will eat away at you slowly.
Go and establish yourself with your career and personal life.
Take your power back by finishing it with her.
Lawyers have some of the highest divorce rates of professionals. Besides the long hours they are often around many people with extremely questionable morals and so they get emotionally separated from their families and they start taking behavioral queues from the people around them.
Since she’s a lawyer she’ll understand contracts and risk management. Explain that you’d like to establish a post-nuptual agreement where if there is infidelity on eithers part the other gets a hefty portion of the marital assets and ongoing support. AKA – you make out like a bandit. Put some real teeth in it so that she takes it seriously.
Next explain that if there is 1 instance of questionable interaction with Mark – you will be directly filing a complain with HR and with the law firm she works. (yeah it might not have teeth, but it would embarrass here professionally in her firm and make tongues wag.)
Next, explain she needs to being the process of finding a new firm. that this one has not worked out due her choice to “cross the line” whatever that may mean. She crossed it and a professional consequence is she needs to move on.
Finally, find out if Mark has a partner and alert them to the line cross. (don’t tell her ahead so she can’t warn him).
Yes these are all hard and they are not gentle, neither is the cheating she chose to do and neither are the extreme mental and emtional pain her choices and actions have inflicted.
Until she leaves that job the affair is still going on.
Also, you just became a wreck and she has no consequences? Wtf? Stand up for yourself.
Open phone is expected in a marriage. There is no expectation of privacy in a marriage. The second anything is hidden, trust has been broken.
You need to get ahold of yourself. Stop being emotional and start being very clear to her.
“I’m not sure what you thought would happen when I caught you cheating on me. I had to catch you. This isn’t something you came to me with so who knows how far this would have gone if I wouldn’t have seen that text. You’re a cheater and there is no way around that now. You’ve broken my trust, and I’m not sure how this marriage can continue. I shouldn’t have to be an absolute wreck while you’re at work. I shouldn’t be wonder what you’re doing with him. What already happened. Did you sleep with him? Would his story be the same as yours? Adults don’t just kiss, and you were late to get home multiple nights. You spent more time texting with him than you do with me. You can’t possibly love me if it was so easy for another man to wedge his way into your life. Now I feel useless, lonely, unwanted and unloved. I’m not sure how this marriage can continue.”
Then she will freak out and you say
“The only way this marriage can continue is if you tell me the absolute truth no matter how bad it hurts me. I deserve to know everything, and if I find out anything after today the marriage is over. You have to quit your job immediately. As long as you two work together your affair is still going on. It’s either one of you quits or I go to your work and make sure everyone knows about your inappropriate relationship. Does he have a wife or gf? If so, she needs to know what he did too.
Lastly, if you ever have contact with him again I will divorce you. I didn’t do this, you did. You broke me and it’s not my job to fix us.”
Anyway, you can move back to where you’re from and pick up a lot of your old clients? There’s a thing she’s already cheated with him and if that’s true, she can no longer work with him. For her and you to stay together, she needs to find a different job and not work with us Guy. If that doesn’t happen, you know what you need to do and like I said you can always move back.
Some tough love here:
Your self esteem is terrible. You have no self worth outside of this woman who is cheating on you. You can’t even think about divorcing her because “she is a lawyer” and “it hurts too much”.
You’re not the first to go thru a divorce buddy, stop acting like you’re welded to this person.
You can either stay and continue to wreck your life and your self worth, or you can leave and chase your OWN dreams.
You can do this.
Definitely do ***NOT*** have a baby with this woman.
You’re only 33. She couldn’t even make it 5 years remaining faithful. Do you want to spend the next 50 years wondering where she is and who she’s with?
In my opinion, cheating at any physical level is breakup/divorce worthy and cheating emotionally is also breakup/divorce worthy if the person doing it didn’t realize what was happening and stop it.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. That doesn’t mean she will/won’t cheat again, but it’s no different than addiction. Addicts have to make sure they hold to a strict code and ***want*** to be better. They have to stay away from their fix. For her, it’s that coworker. She ***has*** to leave that job if she wants to prove she’s serious about your marriage.
But honestly you’re still going to always be watching her wondering if she’s cheating from now on. It’s better to just leave. Save your sanity.
It’s a wrap
Doubt they stopped. They still go to work together. Also doubt they only kissed. They are still both cheating just hiding it better or your completely ignoring now to avoid the pain.
No one is going to openly admit this, but my guy, women do not want to be the “breadwinner.” That is something that men specifically are wired for in a way that women just aren’t. It plays a role in her attraction towards her mate.
This is not a knock on your ability to provide. I’m sure you’re good at what you do. But you should have checked very carefully about opportunities in the new area before packing it all up.
None of this is to excuse what she did, which is vile. But learn from this, live in your masculine frame, and find a woman who appreciates that about you, in addition to your other good qualities.
Wishing you peace and recovery.
So many mistakes were made. First she has lost respect for you. You should have never moved for her. You had a stable job and life in the other city. The power dynamic of your relationship is completely flipped. She sees you as not her best option and is trying to find the bigger better deal. My suggestion is to get the divorce proceedings started. This relationship is over.
I don’t know, man. I’d like to think I’d give my wife a second chance after kissing another guy, but I would absolutely hate feeling the way you feel every time she leaves the house. You already know she’s the type of woman who can justify to herself kissing another man while being married to you. If she switched law firms, blocked this guy on everything, and turned on location sharing, I might give her another chance. If she can legally allow you access to her phone without violating client privacy, then you should insist on that, too. If she is unwilling to do those things, now that she has kissed this guy, how can you ever be at ease when you know they are at work together. I don’t know how I would be able to keep my sanity in that situation, and I would probably divorce her for my mental health and ask the judge for alimony.
It’s over buddy. You can still get your life together/life back. Good thing might be that since she may have more assets than you maybe you come out on top in the divorce….
I don’t understand why you’re having trouble finding work as an HVAC tech. They are really in demand in my area.
OP its hard but you need to leave her asap.
Finf a better women to build your dreams upon or better find yourself again and rely on your own volution to build your dreams.
She crossed a line that you cannot forgive and the fact that you are still with her means “you’re ok with the current state of affairs”.
Be careful OP.
They did more than just kissing probably and she will not stop talking or dealing with Mark.
Have some self respect and leave. She does not respect nor appreciate the sacrifice you did for her. This is not love. Cheating on your partner at their lowest (becuse they wanted to make you happy) is so shitty. Also you don’t have kids yet, so leave before she makes you a more miserable man than you already are.
Build yourself up again, and this time for yourself.
Can I have a go on your wife while you’re at work? I’m not the type but you sound like you would say yes.
Get over yourself and realise that if someone is in love they do not cross any lines.
My brother, be a strong man and leave. She obviously did more than kiss him. His higher position in life will emasculate you and your confidence until the end of time.
I had a similar thing once. Ex went off with a man in a Lambo one night, it destroyed me I couldn’t do what that guy could. I left and met the love of my life.
Trust God. He/She is doing you a favour.
Your entire business is on the back-burner due to wanting to be with a cheating lawyer.
Go back home, be a success and love will find you again.
Best of luck.
She cheated.
>She wrote a very respectful message to Mark, indicating that their relationship should be kept at a professional level, and nothing more than that.
This, however, will not be enough.
Her still seeing the guy at work is not acceptable – simply put: as long as theyre seeing each other, the affair is still on. Paused (maybe!), but still on.
Your wife needs to find anoter place to work – you cannot compromise on this.
Also she has to agree to complete open device policy, no deleting msg.
And ask fir a written timeline of their interactions – be aware that if yiu chaught this early, it *may* be correct they just kissed, but as all cheaters do, shes possibly lying. High probability kissing was not all they did, sorry.
If she protests all this, remind her, that SHE is th one that cheated, SHE destroyed your trust in her – SHE will have to rebuild it again.
Did you save evidence of their affair?? If not, attempt to do so now.
Also – ask if Mark has a spouse, if so tell your wife she has to be the one (with you witnessing it) to inform her of the affair. Refusal to do so, indicates shes more interested in pritecting him, than in fixing what her adultery broke.
I urge you to insist on the above – do not rugsweep (forgive) it will leave you in eternal doubt in her and your relationship AND a high risk of her doing it again – why not? No consequenses the first time, right???