My partner (M38) (now ex) of 12 years told me (F34) about a month ago that he no longer loves me & wants to separate. We have 3 kids & this was not expected, although looking back maybe there were signs….
Anyway, I have not been single very much at all in my adult life & have no idea how to even contemplate dating as a single mum in my 30s. I’m not ready for anything much atm but had a look at some online dating sites for inspiration & hope but now I am left feeling more hopeless!!
How do people move forward after a long term relationship ends, especially when it wasn’t their choice to finish?
TL;DR
How do I move forward now my 12 year relationship is over?
25 comments
Hey, I’m really sorry to hear about what you’re going through. Breakups are like the worst rollercoaster, and it’s okay to feel all the feels. Take your time, and don’t be too hard on yourself. Surround yourself with friends who get it or maybe vent on places like Emerald Chat where you can just talk it out. You’re not alone, seriously! 💙
Start by taking care of the kids; Make sure you are recieving any family support he is obliged to provide regardless of if it makes things unpleasant. Focus on being a mother first, single later once things are bit more stable.
Edit: typo
Focus on yourself and your kids. Creating a normal routine without the additional spouse. IMO it’s incredibly selfish to start dating while your kids are still getting used to a separation. My parents were both remarried within a year of separating and it’s something I will never forgive them for.
One day at a time. Sometimes for many days. Hang in there.
I would let him keep his kids 100% of the time. I know it’s going to be hard but that’s their dad and you have to accept, you might now be able to see them as much anymore. Let his new partner adjust to having 3 kids around lol. Take some time for yourself as well, start looking into some new hobbies or exercise! Great ways to let time do some healing. Don’t forget it’s normal to grieve a relationship, especially after 12 years!
Hi there. As the others have said, take your time. The would is still fresh for you (and the lids)kids, so don’t start dating anyone yet. You’re not ready. And the kids aren’t ready to see you with someone new.
If you have some friends (single ones will be easier), start to go put once in a while with them, just for coffee, a meal, something not on-the-prowl like. You just need companionship, not a new partner.
WARNING: Any friends that are paired up may suddenly see you as a threat, since you’re single. It’s stupid, I know, but in SOME of their minds, you’re available and they have a man. Some of them may feel threatened by a situation that doesn’t exist IRL, so they might pull back from you. If that happens, I’m sorry.
You said that two of the kids are not your bio kids. What is the plan for where they will be spending time? If they are to stay with you, stepmother, you need to figure out financial support for them as well as the one you share with your ex. It’s not being mercenary, it’s just a fact that kids are expensive and as non-bio kids of yours, he would be under no legal obligation to pay any sort of support for them. Get it locked up and in writing. You should speak with a lawyer/solicitor to get your ducks in a row.
Everyone here is giving great advice OP. I just wanted to let you know I will be praying for you and God bring you peace and wisdom to navigate this. This really touched me and I know it’s not an easy one. But, know that you will come out stronger than ever, and in the end you will be an unshakable pillar in this world. This is one of the “shitiest”circumstances that life can throw at you. But once you find your feet know that you will be so strong and firm.
Additionally, prioritize your mental health, if you are a person of faith , God, the universe, manifest therapy , this will help as well.
I wish you peace and so much blessings OP. It’s well!
First I want to say I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I’m sure it’s hard adjusting without the person you’ve been with for 12 years. You’re doing great. This situation is going to take adjusting for your kids as well, and will confuse them in the process of adjusting if they have to also learn how to adjust to a new romantic interest of yours. To them, their parents being together is all they’ve known. I would allow them time to get adjusted to the situation at hand before jumping the gun and entering a new relationship when you’re still grieving the one you just got out of. Jumping into a new relationship will not lessen the feelings you’re going through currently, just confuse and lead on the unfortunate person who has now become your rebound. Focus on yourself, focus on becoming your best new SINGLE self, and focus on your children.
Focus on being single otherwise you will teach your children it’s not good to be single. You need to show them it’s okay to be happy and alone and work and earn their own money. It shows independence. When you date again you’re showing dependence on men to them. And it’s not healthy. Receive all money from the father that is due no matter if he’s nasty or mean in court. You are the mother and need to take care of them
Focus on therapy, this is a huge betrayal. Get through healing that wound first.
Everyone is different. After my last ltr, I spent 8+ years by myself (my choice). I really learned to enjoy spending time by myself, was able to be selfish and focus on my needs and work on understanding myself better. After 12 years, it would probably be a good idea to take some time to process the loss of your relationship and figure out who you are again before even beginning to look for another partner (if that’s what you decide you want). But like I said, everyone is different so you do you.
Like many are saying, focus on yourself and the kids. Get involved in a community( church, pta, single mothers support group, anything). Don’t seek out relationships but just make friendships. Things will happen when they are meant to.
I stayed single for a very long time before I got with my fiancé. I wasn’t active for 10 years. It was a good call for me because I had a lot of stuff to unpack and process on top of being a single parent (my ex lost his parental rights. Choices were made, and the consequences were answered, too.) I actually loved being single. I used my free time to work on myself, do things I enjoyed, and improve all around. I also had 0 interest in dating or anything like that. Things with my fiancé kinda just happened. He’s a childhood friend/acquaintance of mine that just grew into something more. You take it one day at a time. Learn to be dependent on yourself.
I feel you. My partner did the same thing after 10 years, no kids but pets and a house together and it’s been the LONGEST and roughest 5 months, but it does get better. As far as the dating thing, I downloaded a dating app for all of 15 minutes and then deleted it, too hard to think of even attempting starting something new with someone new when everything is upside down on its head and it still hurts. Like everyone else said, focus on yourself for now, even if it’s just getting from one day to the next.
Have a break and discover yourself and take care of your kids
You are already looking for a new partner!? umm no.
Spend time with your kids, show them you can be strong and independent
It’s a bad idea to start looking for a partner right away.
You start by taking care of the kids and yourself. Why rush into a relationship? Learn how to love yourself and be happy with yourself before even trying to start dating again.
Honestly, there is no solid answer to this question.. anyone who has actually been in the shoes you find yourself in now would tell you this isn’t something you just move on from.. it’s something you have no choice but to live with. Eventually you will find a way to bury the pain but it never truly leaves you! Attachments can be so dangerous, however long they choose to love you will Never be your decision. On top of all that, you will become a person who refuses to give yourself to anyone else in that manner.. you’ll learn to love with boundaries, you’ll learn to love yourself more than you love your spouse and honestly, as bad as that sounds.. it’s a safety net! If you love yourself more than love itself you will be strong enough to guide yourself through such trials. I hope you find a way to conquer this and I hope you end up in a better situation, grateful that he opened the door for you to find your soulmate!
Time and space will heal you.
I’m a single dad of 2 in my 40’s after 10 years and equally as lost.
How we all just answer her question and stop shaming and preaching to her? Let her live her life and do what’s going to make her happy.
I’ve found that dating lightly worked well for me in the early days of being single. I didn’t put any expectations on anyone and I found that I really enjoyed just meeting people. Maybe that was a little selfish on my part, in that I might not have been ready for something serious, but I also didn’t lie to anyone. Eventually someone will come along that will make you think otherwise and then you’ll know you’re ready. But in the meantime, just enjoy the process!!
>had a look at some online dating sites…
that’s the very last thing that should be on your mind
Forget about dating sites and the like. Just be your true self, look after your kids and lavish them with love, because they’ll be feeling things too. Talk to each of them separately and see how each of them is handling the situation. Be in the moment with each of them so they know you love them unconditionally and that they’re the centre of your life from now on. If some wonderful guy sees you taking care of three kids all by yourself and doing a brilliant job of it, he’ll respect you. Someone like that could be the next hubby, but don’t focus on that, if it happens, you’ll know. And don’t lie about having three kids, because any future husband will dote on them as well as you.
Move on when YOU are ready. Being single does not mean you need to jump into anything right away. Sometimes it is nice to have some time and space to yourself and figure out who you are. Use the time to arrange a custody schedule you are happy with and child support if required. Spend time with friends and family and enjoy your own company.
At least he told you how he felt and you guys are ending on a good enough note! My parents divorced when I was young they will be fine as long as you show them love from the both of you. It will take time to get used to. I think it’s better this happen than you find out he is cheating on you. You sound like you knew this was coming now that you look back on it, but y’all didn’t try to rekindle the love 1st or you guys tried and realized what it was?