Basically, my question is what the title says. I’m new to really putting myself out there and dating in general. I had 3 first dates this weekend (like I said, I’m new to this and didn’t realize how difficult this would be…I’m super drained and will *never* schedule more than one date in a weekend again) and really didn’t feel anything for the first two guys.
They’re both really nice, but the first guy’s energy was just way too over-the-top and I felt exhausted after being around him for 2 hours. We didn’t go out to eat or anything so he didn’t spend much money on the date, so while it’s still difficult for me to let someone down, I feel less bad because he didn’t “waste” his money. He mentioned future dates throughout our time together and I just didn’t know what to say…he didn’t seem to notice.
The second guy was the complete opposite—super mild-mannered and introverted, but super thoughtful and attentive—that said, I wasn’t really attracted to him and I don’t want to pretend that that’s not important to me. He took me to a very nice restaurant (his recommendation) and probably spent >$200 on the date. I tried to order something inexpensive on the menu when I realized I wasn’t very into him (hard to do when a salad is $40), and I still engaged and enjoyed the conversation, but throughout the whole date he kept mentioning future things we could do together and again, I didn’t know what to say. He didn’t seem to notice either.
Both of these guys have followed up and told me how great of a time they had and how they haven’t felt a connection like this in a long time and I just…don’t know what to say. They’re both nice guys and I want them to be happy, but I HATE letting people down. That said, I also don’t want to lead anyone on. How do I kindly let both of them down?
I appreciate any insight DOT may be able to provide! 🙂
UPDATE: I sent a respectful note to both of them.
36 comments
No insight but I have the same problem. I meet men regularly through my hobby and, without fail, it’s the ones I’d never consider becoming romantically involved with who express interest.
The ones I would date? Uninterested in me. 🙃
Just be upfront and respectful and don’t ghost: “Had a great time but not feeling a romantic connection/that we’re a match” etc. and that’s all you need to do. In my experience 99 % take the L with stride and that’s that. If they don’t just unmatch or block their number! It’s okay, they’ll be fine. It stings but we recover.
You have two options:
– go on another date and see if it gets better, but risk letting them down later if things don’t get better
– let them down now
These are men on the dating scene — they know they’ve signed up to be let down a lot. It comes with the territory. If you send them a nice message letting them know it will be far better than the typical slow fades and ghosting.
Politely but firmly tell them you’re not interested. If you don’t want to hurt their feelings or by a discourteous or unthoughtful person, you need to tell them now.
Do not ghost them and do not wait to tell them.
2 years on the apps and I have encountered that countless times. It can be really disappointing especially when you can see things being a good match, but you just don’t feel it. I would usually give it a second date because sometimes people are nervous on the first date, or things just take a little longer to develop. However, sometimes you just know. The best way is to be as direct as possible, and avoid dragging it out unnecessarily.
I’d try and focus less on how much money they spent. You were both there and it’s about getting to know each other, not investing money in a business!
I agree with everyone else’s advice for how to let them down – you can do it! You’re probably going to have to reject a lot of nice guys if you’re serious about dating; it’s unfortunately part of the process.
I do want to recommend keeping first dates relatively short and casual. Do something like coffee or drinks where you can politely leave after an hour if you aren’t feeling it. That way dating isn’t such an energy drain (I used to tell myself while heading to the date ‘I can be back home on the couch with my dog by 9PM if this date sucks’) and you don’t feel guilty about rejecting men who treated you to something more extravagant.
In so far as the guy who didn’t spend much money, just tell him what you’ve told us. He was nice, but you don’t feel there’s anything there so you don’t want to pursue anything.
As for the second guy, same thing, but I get that you’re feeling a bit of guilt over him spending so much. I wouldn’t offer to pay him back or anything, he was clearly willing to spend that money. In future though I’d recommend paying for your own stuff/half the cost on first dates so that the money thing isn’t an issue and then things purely boil down to if you like them.
If you really felt bad about taking these men’s time and money, you wouldn’t be here looking for sympathy points. Next time, pay your part of the date, even if they insist on paying, or agree a less expensive venue. Put your money where your mouth is. That’s when we will believe how bad you feel.
Good for you! You are learning so much about yourself in this dating process. Now you are closer to what you are looking for. That’s a win!
You are also closer to figure out what works for you and what doesn’t.
My advice would be: make a first date a date 0. You are two strangers who are meeting each other. The first meeting is to establish if they look like their pictures and if there is chemistry. Keep it light . I usually take my date 0’s for a walk or a quick drink on a bar/cafe. That way I don’t have to sit through a meal with someone I already know I’m not interested and then feel guilty if he even pays for it (I would make sure to pay myself though).
It’s very normal and healthy to meet people who we are not compatible with. Majority of the people will not be compatible with you. Learn to say ‘hey, it was nice meeting you. However I’m not feeling any romantic connection between us, but I wish you the best!’
That’s it.
“Hi, thank you for the dates. While I had a good time with you, I didn’t feel that we’ll be a good match. I wish you the best and luck.”
That’s all.
First off, if you feel bad that these men are spending money on you, then why not split the check? Second off, why are you so focused on money in general? It seems like the focal points surrounded these two guys. Third off, what kind of feelings do you expect to bubble up when meeting literal strangers from a dating app for the first time in real life? Are you attempting to chase spark or attempting to build something that could potentially be long term or just dating to figure things out or what?
You haven’t really rattled off any glaring red flags or any potential incompatibilities. I would also understand getting an inexplicable intense off putting ick feeling, but I don’t get that vibe from your post. It doesn’t hurt to get to know them more. There’s really not much you can know about someone after one meeting. I usually treat the first date as date zero just to make sure the person looks like their picture and seems like the person they present online and just to vet/filter out any glaring red flags/incompatibilities. At least, that’s my mantra when it comes to dating literal strangers. If you are ok with continuing on to another date, you can temper their expectations by saying that you want to take things slow and get to know them better.
However, if you really don’t want to go on another date with them, then rip the bandaid off. Hey, it was nice meeting you. I don’t feel a connection. Or hey, I had a good time. I don’t feel a romantic connection. Etc.
Being in the same situation as both of those guys – please state clearly that you don’t see any future with them. It’s very annoying when at the end of the date the girl says “thank you for a good evening, we should definitely do it again” and then never returns your messages because she never actually enjoyed it and was just being polite.
“it was really nice meeting you, but i dont think we are a great match, and i wish you the best of luck”
also: if by the end of the date the bill comes, and you know you aren’t going to go out with them again, pay for your portion. it will make it easier on both of you when you need to say “no” to a second date. its fine to adhere to norms of expecting a man to be willing to pay if he is consenting to that same social contract, but that does not mean you arent inherently creating a dynamic that makes it feel worse to say “no” for both of you, and so, there is no need to let him.
to the same effect, if a fancy restaurant is feeling weird on a first date, suggest something less expensive, time-consuming and energy-consuming. i generally prefer coffee or a drink on the first date for this reason –if its going well, you can grab a bite after (at the same place or elsewhere) or go for a little walk, etc. if its not going well, its a shorter investment of time and energy, and ultimately a more sustainable dating practice. its exhausting having to meet a person and sit with new person after new person for whole-ass meals.
at the end of this day, getting rejected is not going to feel great for them. thats not your problem, all you can do is go about the situation in the kindest way possible.
“Hey, I had a nice time with you. However, I don’t feel a romantic connection. Best of luck!”
“I don’t feel this is a love match for me.”
Add some extra context if you want, but it can as brief as it needs to be.
Would you feel worse if someone you were interested in expressed they didn’t feel the same way, or if you found out they talked themselves into a pity date they didn’t want to go on?
Honesty is kindness, here. It was low stakes. It seems like the only thing you feel bad about besides people pleasing tendencies was the amount the second guy spent on your date. If you want to, feel free to offer to Venmo him your portion of the meal with best wishes or something.
I don’t like turning people down either, but it’s better than wasting each other’s time. In terms of money on dates, I almost always split the bill on a first date to avoid that dynamic, but it was their choice. They could’ve asked to split the bill.
More general thought: The fact that neither noticed you weren’t interested is concerning.
It’s hard to disappoint people, especially people who seem kind. The alternative, though, is giving up your connection to what you know and want, in favor of what they want (in this case, you).
This is the hardest part of dating for me, and I know that on the whole, the internal drama I have over it is much bigger than the feelings they will have. Most people will feel disappointed for a second, and move on with their lives.
Ultimately, it is a kindness to cut it off with someone when you know they are not for you. It’s hard. It feels shitty. I also remind myself, what am I gonna do? Marry someone because they like me? Where would it end, you know? The ludicrousness of that makes it easier for me to see.
Some people gave you some good templates. You got this 💗
Tell us about the third guy!
Well, let’s look at your options:
-You could ghost them and leave them wondering what happened.
-You could keep dating them, knowing you aren’t interested, and string them along for a while.
-Or you could be direct and let them know that you didn’t feel a connection. They may feel a little hurt, but then they are free to move on without any kind of confusion or false hope.
Which of these options is the kindest?
You could choose to look at it as letting them down, or you could choose to look at it as letting them move on so they can find someone who is super into them.
Also, it seems that you have picked up a lesson in all this. It sounds like the fact that guy 2 spent a lot of money on you made you feel uncomfortable since you knew you weren’t interested. It could be worth reflecting on if you need to set a boundary for first dates, like you won’t meet for dinner for a first date, or you pay for yourself, etc. Just something to consider!
Just be honest and say you are not feeling it. They are adults and would most likely just appreciate your honesty.
Regarding the exhaustion from dating, that is a part of the game. Actively dating is prioritising dating ahead of other things. You can’t both be active in the dating market and do everything else in life. It takes time, energy and money. On the positive side the chances you will find a good man is much higher. If you limit your dating to a few dates a month, you’ll have more energy but chances are slim you will be lucky and find a good man anytime soon
*”Hey I had a good time on our date and it was fun meeting you. I wanted to be honest and say that I didn’t really feel anything past friendship so i think it’s best to leave it there. Take care x”*
And then I would suggest that you consider blocking and unmatching all forms of communication because you said you don’t like letting people down and you want to avoid getting sucked into them asking “why” or for a second chance etc.
If you don’t mind getting replies where a rejected date might get mad, insult you etc. then don’t worry about blocking them but based on how you wrote your post, it seems like that might bother you more. So say your piece, and don’t look back.
Honestly, if you have some attraction towards either.
If you have time maybe try 1-2 dates more.
Unless there were major red flags.
I feel people miss out on good partners because first impressions are so important.
But, people can take a while to act like themselves and get comfortable enough with you.
You said you hate letting people down, but don’t forget that you’re a person too so don’t let yourself down. Just be straight up thank them for the date but tel them you don’t see yourself continuing to date them.
As the guy, I’d prefer to just tell me. I am more like guy 2 on dates. I don’t expect anyone to love me forever because I spent a few hundred bucks. Your affection isn’t for sale. You could always offer to split the bill if you aren’t interested, but either way the truth is better.
Would you describe yourself as a people-pleaser? You mention wanting them to be happy and not wanting to let them down. This is one area to start working on – you don’t owe strangers anything.
For better or worse, at this stage, dating is all about you. When you become more serious, then you start to owe the other person more. With that in mind, start doing these things:
1. Insist on going for a coffee or smoothie date from the start. If they do not accept this or get upset, un-match or block them.
2. Set a timetable. I recommend evening dates on weekdays because you can easily schedule a date for 6, and say that you want to get home by [insert time], allowing you to cut the date off so it doesn’t drag for 2 hours. Alternatively, if you are bold, you can just say “let’s keep it to 45 minutes to keep the pressure off.”
3. “I have never felt a connection like this” is a lie and you should not feel influenced by this.
Also understand that dating for guys is different than for women. Men get fewer dates overall so we are more aggressive about getting commitments for the next date from the start, or we let it drag on longer than it needs to.
However, I might also suggest that you not be overly picky. Try giving a guy a second or third date, even if you are not feeling it. I agree that with some people you will have immediate chemistry, I also think that only going on first dates over and over again will result in more failure because you get really good at date one but then flounder on date three.
> He took me to a very nice restaurant (his recommendation) and probably spent >$200 on the date.
Wow, that’s nuts. His mistake though, although next time maybe propose something more casual so that you feel less pressured.
Be polite but clear that you are not interested, thank them for the date and move on.
OMG I had one of those extremely high-energy dates once, he talked AT ME for 2 hours straight. I literally could not get a word in – I was trying to tell him I needed to get up and use the bathroom, but it’s like he never took a breath. It was so draining! He also kept talking about all those future dates we were going to have (because he evidently was having SUCH A GREAT TIME talking to himself) and finally I literally had to stand up and be like “I AM REALLY SORRY BUT I DO NOT THINK WE ARE A GOOD MATCH” practically yelling over him because he would.not.stop.talking for a single second. His facial expression immediately changed to complete despair. I felt bad for a second, but honestly, he was just so incredibly draining.
It’s really great that you have compassion for the people you are dating. I look far and wide for girls like you. Most girls go out and they’re not even giving the date a chance, just wasting someone’s time. It seems like you’re actually invested.
First off, don’t go out on any more dinner dates. Agree to get “a drink” and if you’re vibing then order another. If you only order one drink and don’t get another one the guy should take the hint there and promptly end the date.
It’s hard to reject potential partners but sometimes that’s what you have to do if they don’t take subtle hints. Tell them you’re busy and you’ll get back to them, take longer to respond, eventually they’ll stop texting altogether. You’re always free to be more direct. If they get aggressive immediately block them and unmatch. You don’t want to waste your time or theirs any more than you already have. It gets easier the more you do it. Good luck.
They BOTH told you they “haven’t felt a connection like this in a long time” after ONE date…? Wtf lol
Hey, its not a bad problem to have that your dates are into you and want to see you again. I totally get feeling bad about having to tell them you’re not interested, but the longer you wait the more insensitive to their feelings you’re being. Although its totally reasonable to realize you’re not feeling it after 5 dates, I can see people being confused that it took you that long to realize it, so if you already know that, just say it. I’ve recently had to do the same, and I just said “I’m not sure if we would be a good match dating-wise, but I’d love to keep in touch.” Only sat the last part if you mean it, of course. One of them does the same sport as me, and we are going to keep doing that together, and the other works in my industry and got me a freelance job even after I turned him down. Any reasonable and mature guy will not respond negatively after only one date. Just be upfront and kind!
It sounds like your interest in men is strongly linked to how much you’re okay with them spending on you. I would look into why you feel that way, healthy relationships are not transactional, let alone money for attention/time/sex type of transaction. I feel like the focus on that while may be your personal choice isn’t a path to a healthy or happy relationship which I assume is what you’re after.
I find online dating to be a funny little grey zone because you are getting to know the person as a person ON TOP of getting them as a romantic prospect. We go in blind. It’s not like dating someone we’ve met organically and you can read their body language, mannerisms etc., and also have mutual friends and/or family who can add to knowing more about them.
So then when you meet someone online, I find there can be a weird undertone of “well, we’re both single so clearly that’s why we’re a match”, and not “how do I feel around this person and are we a good match for future hang outs?”
I used to feel awful about letting guys down, but that’s also big time people pleasing and patriarchal influence. The old “be a kind and patient accommodating woman”.
Now? I’m super upfront and tell everyone I’m approaching online dating from a place of exploration, and I don’t have any expectations from anyone as I get to know them. I say a long-term relationship is my ultimate goal, but I recognize you have to actually do some dating to get to that part.
If they take it personally after polite rejection after one date? That’s a them problem. Everyone dates differently, but I will say that the pressure of it all is just insane. Once you let go of it and view it like an adventure, it helps with the mental fatigue dramatically.
Good luck!
If it makes you feel better, I’ve had people mention future things they’d love to do next… only to ghost me!
I think some people just talk that way. Personally it makes me a bit uneasy. It’s very presumptuous.
You send the first one a respectful note.
You meet the second for dinner, and tell him at the end of the night…. I don’t know what 40$ salad taste like, but you have a opportunity to get a second one.