Hi, humans!
Let’s go straight (Ah!) to the lesbian drama.
I (32F) am dating this girl (31F) Very femme. She makes a point to remind me how femme she is. How rare femmes are, how sought after femmes are and on and on. And how she dates only fellow femmes.
When we first started talking, I told her I was not interested in femmes. Most of my previous partners were badass middle-ground or butch. Only my first gf was femme and she pretty much used this the same “we are rare and sought after” argument too. And she used to treat me like shit. With tons of ridicolous stuff I, as the “man” should do for her.
Then I told her that at the end of the day, I couldn’t care less how someone decides to express themselves.
She agreed.
She’s also the more political involved one between us. Often attending conferences about gender and sexuality.
Now. I don’t consider myself myself butch or femme. Somewhere in the middle. But I love suit vests and button-up shirts.
I love how they look on me. And they are not “man vests”. They are thought for women. They make my chest look awesome. I own tons of them.
Now, we are dating. At first, it started silly. With her saying we remind her a little about Gentleman Jack and Mrs. I scowled and reminded her Anne Lister identified themselves as a man or was fine with playing that role. I didn’t. I identify myself as a woman.
And she started ranting about how I wore vests like her.
Ok. But still.
It got gradually worse. And more than one time I explained how I didn’t consider myself butch or a man.
Now, she has started misgendering me. Couple of times, “joking”. And one time we were with friends (on the butch side) and she remarked how she was the only woman there. Everyone pretty much scowled at her.
I talked to her after every and each instance. She apologize with a “Sorry. But the vests!”.
I even asked her if she hated the vests. Just trying to understand if she was teasing to have me get rid of them (I wouldn’t). She assured me that she loved them and the vests were the thing that made her take a double look at me.
But… at this point, I feel like if I keep going with this relationship I may have to play a gender role that doesn’t feel right for me. She’s awesome in everything else. But this teasing is starting to hurt me.
Teasing aside, our relationship doesn’t really have traces of gender roles. She pays for us more often than me, we drive 50-50, sex is on equal grounds, and so on.
16 comments
When you talk to her about how it bothers you, how are you saying what you need to? What I mean is is your tone nonchalant? Does your body language give off a submissive feel? Are you low volume and stern?
Driving is gendered? your gf sounds shallow and exhausting. also rather sexiest, she needs to accept women can wear vests, like p*ssy, and still be 100% a woman. to be surrounded by her peers, other women, and claim to be the only woman bc she’s the most femme is vapid
pretty dresses and lipstick do not define womanhood.
Your gf sounds mature and rather caring. You need to accept her joking remarks and be comfortable where you’re at in the relationship dynamic you have going on. You’re giving womanhood a bad name Op.
So do it back until she gets the hint
“i’m a fucking woman, now stop disrespecting me by devaluing my worth by your constant bullshit of misgendering me.”
Run OP, just run. I’m not sure what attracted you to her bc the behaviour you mentioned even before you dated gave me the ick (and is not even my relationship).
Her behaviour is… Bizarre if I’m honest. She apparently tries to educate herself on gender and sex, but says this ignorant stuff. Is she uncomfortable with dating someone who doesn’t want (to an extent) play traditional gender roles? Does she think she’s somehow superior bc she’s fem?
Is giving not like other girls, in the weirdest way
NB/GF but idk, in my shoes if I had to directly talk to my SO multiple times about my gender identity and it wasn’t on accident, I think I would just dip. If they’re so shallow about this then it’s not looking good.
It’s not teasing, it’s her telling you her thoughts in a way where she can pretend she doesn’t really mean it when you get tired of it.
Clearly, she is very concerned with how feminine she is, and how *not* like her everyone else is. I’m highly suspicious a person like this is not perfect in every other way.
I’m not gay but straight women are like this too – especially short women. I had a friend who wasn’t even short (a bit above average) but very skinny. She was very happy talking about how small she was and would state “I’m so small” any chance she had/or she’d just create one, and would continue to do so until subject change forced her to move on, I never let her dive into her smallness so she luckily didn’t try too often.
We became friends because she literally spotted me at a party and stuck to me. We had many common courses at uni and she stuck to me in classes too. I’m convinced it was because I am tall and calm, and mostly let her talk for the both of us. She needed me as her “safe pillar”. When she spent time at my place I had to follow her to the train because it was too scary for her to go alone – the fact that I then had to go back alone didn’t matter in her mind (I was as safe as can be, but by her logic that it was unsafe, I wasn’t! She didn’t care one but about my safety though).
So. You say you’re “equal” in other ways but I bet you are in fact not. Certainly not in her mind. She loves that you wear west’s because she loves how it makes you look like a man. She’s even pretending you’re a man by misgendering you.
Friend. Don’t let anyone bully you into a role you don’t want, so that they can leave in their own dream world. She’s creating a world where *she’s* happy, she doesn’t care it’s not what you want, she’s currently treating you like a prop in her play. And I bet very much this is not the only thing she does it with. You don’t necessarily have to break up with her, but you have to talk seriously with her and tell her why you don’t like it and how it makes you feel, and hopefully she’ll open her eyes to what she’s doing and make an effort to change.
First world problems…
Hey OP,
I’m a butch lesbian myself. I’ve always considered myself a gentle butch lesbian since I don’t fit into a lot of stereotypes about strong masc butches. All my exes expected me to fit into a gender role of being the man, and it never helped my self-esteem as it made me feel like I was never enough.
She sounds like she’s projecting her own insecurities onto you and has low self-esteem. A lot of people who have low self-esteem beat other people down to make themselves feel better. They may not do it intentionally, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s starting to hurt you.
The best part about being in a queer relationship is there is never any assumed roles to begin with. I think you should have an open and honest relationship with her about how it’s hurting you and if she doesn’t change, you should make a decision that is best for you.
I wear suits all the time and have been misgendered by many strangers. It hurt the most when it was someone that knew my gender and still announced to everyone that I was a he/him.
Making a decision to love yourself first and doing what’s best for you; will always be the right choice. I’m now getting married to my soul mate who loves me for being me. If people ask us “Who’s the man in the relationship?”we always say it’s her and laugh. Mind you, she’s a badass femme. I believe you will also find your person one day. 😄 It starts from you choosing you. ❤️
If your partner is openly disrespecting you, in private and public, that’s one of the worst red flags. Not salvageable to me if you say “stop” and they ignore you. My ex was like that. I told him to stop. He did mostly, but every once in a while liked to throw in a covert insult
I’m a guy who really likes suit vests, but most of my ex gfs have hated them, so I feel you there. If they ever joked about them, I would counter with vest jokes, saying I have the power vested in me or they aren’t as invested as I am. I hate to say it, but she seems sexist.
It’s not her responsibility to indulge you in your delusion.
You’re 32. You’re far too old for that bulls***. End it & go and someone who respects you because she clearly doesn’t. You can do better.
Excuse my ignorance, I’m not comepletely sureon the terms like “femme” and “butch” but misgendering and feeling better than others is a relatable and something I’d always advise avoiding. I don’t know how long you’ve been together, but at some point she should stop, especially if she knows it bothers you.
What you wear shouldn’t matter.
From an outside perspective, a stranger, clothing might play a role in quickly identifying the person, only if you don’t know any better though.
Have a talk with her, and consider for yourself what you are willing to put up with.
Good luck stranger
It sounds like she doesn’t respect you.
You sure this is the woman for you?