My dad and stepmom have been married for about 11 years, and throughout I’ve been emotionally abused by my stepmom. Yes, my dad witnessed most of it and yes he knew I hated her.
So when I found out they were talking about getting divorced I was ecstatic. My stepsister and I shared our opinions, she told her friend about these, her friend told her mom, and her mom, is best friends with my stepmom. Of course my dad asked me why I felt this way and I explained everything, and despite that, all he could say was “stay out of my marriage”. I took that as a sign, cut my stepmom off completely, and left home in May 2023 at 19 years old. I lived with my boyfriend’s family for a while and we recently got our own apartment together.
During this time though my stepmom has expressed that she wants to separate. My dad has also told my biological mom that she’s seeing someone else, and moved into a camper on this persons property where she apparently stays at most of the week. Despite this all though, they plan on playing happy marriage for four more years until my step sister graduates.
Despite this all though, my dad wants to work it out. Even if they weren’t to be thinking about divorce, I think I’d feel the same when I say that him even being with my stepmom makes me want to cut him out of my life as I’ve done to her. It’s just that it hurts more that even despite all of this he is choosing her over me, and can stay with someone who emotionally abused his daughter.
This has caused a lot of issues between my dad and I obviously and I’ve been very vocal about how she’s hurt me and how him not protecting me has hurt me. Including, his obvious favoritism for my brother and never being there for me by pushing off my feelings and emotionally neglecting me. He says he’s sorry but then says that it’s like if he didn’t like one of my friends in comparison to my stepmom. All of this has just been building and today he told me biological mom that if I don’t cut it off he’ll cut me off, including insurance and other expenses. And just hearing that pushed me to the point where I think I am ready to cut him out of my life. No matter what I’ll be looking for my own insurance plans and other ways to fund expenses that he’s been covering (phone bill and school costs), but despite that I’ve been independently funding myself outside of him.
I need some help though. My biological mom is telling me not to make a choice I’ll regret, but my mind is telling me to cut him off even if it’s for the timr being to protect myself from this constant stress and anxiety. Any help, similar stories and the outcomes are appreciated.
TLDR: dad is choosing my abusive stepmom over me. I am thinking about cutting him off because of it, but because we are talking about my feelings about this issue its stressing him out to much and he “won’t choose sides” because of it so he’s thinking about cutting me off including insurance. What do I do?
Ideal outcome… For my dad to leave my stepmom and own up.
1 comment
My mother stayed with an abuser, choosing them over me. When I refused contact with the abuser, she called me selfish and naive. She cut contact with me and went on to have two more kids with him.
I have never regretted my choice.
I have regretted that she made me choose, and I have regretted that protecting myself came at the cost of losing my blood relatives as a whole.
Twenty years later (and many years of therapy later) I understand abuse victims’ mindsets much better, and I understand why she was too afraid to leave. I’ve forgiven her for the choices she made, but we still have no contact because it’s healthier for both of us that way.
She never left him. She never owned up. I’ve accepted that she never will.
What I’d recommend is to look up your campus resources and see if they have attached therapy services. Many unis do, and include a certain number of sessions per semester as part of tuition (or at least discount them). Talking this out with a neutral third party will likely help you settle yourself and firm your resolve, whichever way you end up going.