My wife(25F) wants me (29M) to have a vasectomy so that she won’t continue to use contraceptive planning methods, but I may want to have children in the future.

43 comments

1. If you want to kids and she doesn’t, you need to end the relationship. You can love someone dearly but it doesn’t make it the right relationship, especially if needs don’t add up.

   Also asking you to get a vasectomy so she doesn’t have to take birth control? Vasectomy are permanent! I know people say they can be reversed but that is so rare that you need to treat it like a permanent treatment. Her asking you that is making it clear children are not something she wants

2. >Should I end the relationship?

   In my opinion, yes. I think the topic of having kids is the biggest deciding factor in the future of a relationship. If one partner wants kids and the other doesn’t then it rarely works out.

   If you do have kids then your partner will feel extremely overwhelmed with the most difficult job humans can have (properly raising a kid).

   If you don’t have kids then the partner that did want them will feel resentment towards their partner from robbing arguably the most important aspect of a person’s life.

   Both options lead to a toxic, resentful relationship.

3. Well, if she set on not having kids and you want kids – what are you doing together? Long term goals are not matching.

   She told you she does not want kids, it’s now up to you to decide if you want them or not.

4. * She for her part is completely sure that she does not want to have children.
   * I have a lot of doubts about whether or not I will still want to have children.

   How has this not been sorted out before marriage?

   I am not going to force a medical procedure on you. But taking the position of “I don’t know if I want kids or not” can be translated to “I don’t know if I want to be with you for the rest of my life”

   Some vasectomies can be reversed. And you could always freeze sperm as well.

   Children is one of the most important things to sort out pre-marriage… And you two are still ironing out personal goals together?

   If you want kids, you’re probably going to need to end your marriage for someone who actually wants them.

   It would be somewhat selfish to decide 4 years from now you want kids. You just robbed her of 4 years of crucial dating time.

   For both of your sakes, please figure out your wants in life in the near future.

5. End the relationship if you don’t want a vasectomy. Most women already know if they want kids or not at that age. No, you won’t be able to change her mind.

   Let’s say, by some miracle, you manage to coerce her into giving you a baby. She’ll just slowly resent you, god forbid she resents the kid too.

   She’s already having problems keeping her birth control. If you manage to make her agree that she keeps that going, she’s still slowly resent you for putting all the work on your marriage’s birth control on her shoulders.

   There’s just no decent future for you two. Your longterm goals are different, so rip it off while it’s early on and no child is affected.

6. What do you want more, your current relationship or the possibility of having children?

   If you definitely wanted kids, I’d say this should end because she definitely doesn’t.

7. You certainly need to have a talk, and yeah, it’s quite likely it’ll be the end of things.

8. Who are you planning on having kids with, if not your wife? You have two choices:

   1) Live your life with your wife and without children
   2) Live your life maybe with children and definitely without your wife

   That’s it. Those are your options. Choose wisely.

9. You want children, she does not. Do not get a vasectomy. Call a divorce lawyer to end the marriage so you both can be free to find what you are looking for

10. If you don’t plan on being with your wife for life, then yes you should divorce.

11. How did you get married with this huge unanswered question looming between you? Anyway, if doing everything humanly possible to prevent pregnancy is a priority for her, and maintaining the option of someday leaving her for someone who does want to have children is a priority for you, then you should not be together.

12. You’re glossing over a very critical point: if she wants you to have a vasectomy, the implication is that she *never* wants children, while you are on the fence. That is a fundamental incompatibility that you need to address.

13. Why the actual fuck did you get married if you know she’s childfree and you are undecided? You’re an absolute idiot. You need to figure out whether you want kids or not, and I’d say the faster the better. If you do, or even if you’re a maybe, you need to get divorced so you can find someone who has the same life goal as you.

    Absolute stupidity on your part OP.

14. How people get all the way to marriage without discussing the possibility of having kids is beyond me, but here we are anyways.

    If you want to have kids and she doesn’t, that’s a perfectly acceptable reason to split. You’re both in your 20s still, so you have plenty of time to find someone else who *does* align with the future you want. But if you have even the slightest glimmer that you might regret not having kids, then do her a favor and end it now.

15. Im going to get judged hard for admitting this but whatever.

    I was in a relationship like this and had an accidental pregnancy. I had to give birth by myself and he turned into someone I don’t even like bc he resents that our kid exists even though he doesn’t have any responsibilities.

    Please leave. That’s kindest to your future self and to the person you love.

    Edit to clarify: I don’t regret my kid at all, she’s the best thing in my life, I just obviously wish I’d given chosen a dad instead of a resentful sperm donor. My kid is paying for my stupidity.

16. Doesn’t sound like you’re compatible. Why would you marry someone without talking about this before hand?

17. We can’t tell you what you want, you have to decide that yourself. We don’t know if you’ll want kids, only you know. But with you feeling so uncertain, absolutely do NOT get a vasectomy.

    If you can’t decide whether you want children/need more time to decide, then yes, you need to end the relationship because dragging her along is unfair. She knows what she wants, you do not.

    Your lifestyles do not match up and based on this post, you seem to lean more towards having kids some day than not having kids. I think you know what you want but you’re not wanting to face the consequence of losing your partner.

    I think you guys need to part ways unless you 100% against having kids.

18. Why….did you get married?! This is like….basic stuff to know before even dating.

19. Fine then use a condom every time.

20. Why did you marry her if you knew she didnt want kids????

21. Tell her that you may leave her some day bc you may want children. You’ll find out what to do. As a woman who never wanted children, age 60 now, I would have been so effing pissed if someone stayed with me, while knowing that he may want kids and didn’t tell me.

22. Your time to analyze your future goals was *checks notes* before getting married and not when you’re already 29…

23. Your wife doesn’t want kids *for sure* and you might. What’s the question? Smh

24. Why did you marry someone who is definitely child free when you want children? I don’t understand that. If you want children, you need to divorce your wife and find someone else. If you want to stay with your wife, you need a vasectomy and a commitment to being child free.

25. If you know you want kids and are just holding out hope she will change her mind it’s time to end the relationship. If you are truly undecided, it’s time to do some work. Have you spent any significant time with kids of a variety of ages? If you have friends/family I would recommend you ask them to talk candidly about the ups and downs of parenting and how it has affected their relationship with their partner. And talk to women not just men, you should see the moms perspective too in order to think about how you’d support a future partner. There is also an excellent book called “the baby decision” as well as many other similar resources to help you think critically about what you want and why you want it. You owe it to your wife and yourself to figure this out, she can’t do that for you.

26. Why did you marry if this wasn’t already settled?

27. Being a parent is a lot more than tender feelings when looking at a baby or some idealized fantasy of playing catch in the yard.

    It’s about dealing with tantrums, need, diapers, logistics, ungratefulness, and little people who may not agree with the things you want them to be.

    If you’re considering ending your marriage, make sure you want ALL of the parts of having a child. And make sure your wife knows that you understand and would be stepping up for the shit parts too.

    She may still be childfree, but NO woman wants to have a child with someone who only has a glossy view of what that means… Because it so often means that she’d end up with the all the bad while you’d complain that the kids are loud, dirty, crying, disrespectful, etc, and just generally unlike a Rockwell painting.

28. >She for her part is completely sure that she does not want to have children.

    >
    >we have been living together for 4 years

    If you’re still unsure, leave. Leave and stop wasting her time or get the vasectomy. Figure your shit out already.

29. Kids are a dealbreaker. You know her position so you need to decide if you are ok with that. Maybe see a therapist for some non-judgmental listening. Don’t make a permanent decision like a vasectomy if you’re not sure you want one and don’t try to force kids on her. This is a you decision. If kids are something you want, you’ll have to leave the relationship and look elsewhere. You don’t want to resent her for the rest of your life because you didn’t want the same things but stayed together.

30. Hey man, that is quite a pickle. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.

    You need to figure out what you want, and stand by it. Take some time, talk with friends/parents/family if you feel like it. Tell your wife what you’re going through and let her know if you need some time.

    Do whatever you need to do for clarity (meditate or pray, or hike in the woods, or sit on a big rock near a lake for example)

    Make your decision. Kids or no kids. Make the decision for you. Your life. After you’ve made your decision you tell your wife. Work it out with her.

    I wish you good luck, and a happy life. PM me if you wanna chat.

31. Why you guys got married is beyond me. You both knew she did not want kids. Did you lie and say you did not either although you knew you were sitting on the fence?

    This is not something you can compromise on. You either want kids or you dont. If you are not sure, at least leave her so you do not waste years just to come to the decision you are out bc she does not want kids and now you do.

32. She’s decidedly child free- so your indecision on having children means in the back of your mind you are already planning to find someone else to have a family with. Being on the fence like this is just you avoiding confrontation. The good news is- you are not wasting her biological window staying married to her. And she is probably attractive so waiting until later won’t hurt her dating chances much. But you are wasting your time. It’s not the best idea to meet someone and immediately parent a child together. Parenting is stressful and grueling. You will see your wife at her worst. Her hormones will make her more volatile. Lack of sleep will make her impatient with you. You will not be the most important person in her life because you can survive without her- but that baby could literally die if she neglects it. This period is hell on romantic relationships. It’s best to take a few years to build trust that you did choose the right partner before the baby bomb hits your world. That trust will help carry both of you through the hard times when you barely have patience and you are tired. Studies indicate babies with older dads are more likely to have health problems- so time isn’t unlimited for men either.

    Bottom line- decide- then don’t let yourself look back and regret. There’s lots of right answers for a happy life. But you have to decide.

33. If she doesn’t want kids who do you plan on having kids with?

34. A vasectomy should always be treated as a permanent procedure. I don’t know where or why people these days have started promoting vasectomies as a short-term birth control solution that can and will be easily reversed when you decide to have kids. It isn’t always that easy and they don’t always reverse. You should only get one if you are absolutely certain you do not want to have children in the future.

    If your wife is certain she does not want children, and you are still unsure, you would be doing both of you a disservice by staying married. Maybe seek out the advice of a counselor before calling it quits so you know that you are working through all of your emotions and thoughts effectively with your partner, but it is likely that your marriage will come to an end here.

35. 1. Do not get a vasectomy if you are not 100% sure you want to be childfree. Everyone says “they can be reversed” but that’s not the intention with permanent sterilization. It’s intended to be **permanent**. Don’t bet on it *not* being permanent.

    2. If you and your wife really have different views on children in the future and your discussions about it are “terrible” then you should seriously reconsider your **marriage**. You are fundamentally incompatible in a huge deal-breaking issue.

    Good luck dude.

36. FYI, as a person who has had a vasectomy, be very aware that reversals have a low success rate. It seems like a high success rate, at 90-95%, but that rate is based on being able to perform the procedure. The actual rate of conception afterwards is as low as 30%, depending on the procedure type.

    Even with a reversal, you’re probably only 50/50 able to have kids, if that.

37. If you want to have children and she doesn’t, then yes, that’s a dealbreaker and you should get a divorce.

    And let’s be honest, it’s not you taking the ultimate gamble, it’s her. While vasectomies aren’t 100% reversible, there’s a much higher chance of you having a child when you’re 85 as opposed to her getting pregnant at 40. So you either need to have an actual, sit down conversation about children, or you need to break up now and not waste any more of each other’s time.

38. I feel bad for your wife. You’re almost 30 and married to someone who expressly says she will not be having children, but you’re still thinking “maybe one day”. Stop wasting her time if you may turn 40 and decide to trade her in for a newer model who will give you kids for your mid life crisis. She will have a better shot at meeting a more compatible partner now rather than in her 30’s. It’s nice that you love her, but it’s not fair to her to set her up for your own regret whether you go through with the vasectomy or not.

39. Did yall not have discussion about things like this BEFORE getting married?

40. Is this a joke? Should you break up with someone you should have never married if you weren’t on the same page regarding children? Why the hell did you do this in the first place?

41. “I may want kids with my second wife” is a tough conversation.

42. Well then you tell your wife, because unless you guys decide, you are planning on a second wife, and marriage is meant for life. She deserves to know. I think you are hedging your bets on many levels, not honest or fair to the woman you are married to right now. If she doesn’t want children, let her go and move on.

43. Your wife does not want children. Point. Blank. Period. She is not going to change her mind if she is asking you to get a vasectomy so she can stop taking hormonal birth control. If you married her with the mindset of, “Maybe she’ll change her mind too,” that was a mistake. She will not change her mind anytime soon, especially if you both went into marriage saying “We definitely do not want kids.” If you suddenly do want children, it may be time to end the relationship so you can find someone who would also want that with you, and she can find someone who is on the same page as her.