TL:DR
My girlfriend, got me a Kalimba as a birthday gift, and while i opened it up, she said “she’s always wanted to buy one for herself but couldn’t justify the buy, so she got it for me instead”. I don’t like music(especially the kind it plays, she knows all about it), I have fat fingers, and i have a tonne of other hobbies she knows very well about.
Full version:
I am turning to reddit because I didn’t know where all to go.
My girlfriend(22,f) of three years, just got me a kalimba for my 25th(M) birthday. And I was very disappointed by it .
She likes listening to the extremely romantic, slow, melodious songs and I don’t. Infact, when we are driving and if she plays it, I just ask her to not play them and we could just talk instead. She knows I don’t like the music one bit. I don’t mind her listening to it, I just don’t want to listen to it myself.
And we just recently started long distance, since she had to move cities for education, i stayed back for work.but while I was opening it, and she was on call, she says that she has always wanted one, but couldn’t, justify buying it, and that if I don’t like it, I could give it to her.
Then she asks me to learn to play it, so that when she comes back for Christmas I can play it for her.
And the note she sent me, said, “it’s a good gift buns(that’s what she calls me), learn how to play it, so you can play it for me.”
I mean, even on my birthday, I have to do something that I don’t like to make her happy!!
I expressly told her to not get me anything, but then when she told me she’d sent something for me, then my expectations weren’t of a little musical instrument that could play “you’re my sunshine”
Shes been in a relationship with me for three years now, she knows i love reading history, I do bird watching & wildlife photography, i carve and Whittle wood and i have been learning how to sculpt with clay.
I told her I loved the gift and that it’s super thoughtful to not hurt her feelings and ruin my birthday with an argument. But I really didn’t like it, and i don’t see myself in it one bit.
I just got her, her first vibrator for her birthday, and while she opened it up today, it kind of slipped out of my mouth and I said “and that’s how you give awesome gifts” right after she tested it out on the call with me. She picke dit up, and has been mad at me about me taunting her and me not liking her gift.
What should I do?
37 comments
You should do whatever is right for you.
She got you a gift she admitted was for her, said you could give it back, then told you to learn how to play it for her.
You in turn could not tell her you didn’t want it because she would be angry. But you are still resentfull and could not stop yourself making it an issue. Now she is angry anyway.
None of this is direct communication, empathy on her part. It is emotional blackmail or something on her part then the lack of managing her own needs. Plus she gets angry instead of talking about what you didn’t like. You in turn are avoiding conflict and then being passive agressive about it anyway.
You may have had good communication before being long distance, perhaps you should look at the past and see if this is a pattern or it is recent. Ask yourself if you can actually talk about this because it isn’t going away, she is telling you what to do with a gift she apparently got you, wanting you to have her taste and her hobbies.
Now that can be worked through or can be a sign that the person isn’t what you are looking for in regards to certain things like gift giving, depends on what you value. If you want to stay I would consider that gift giving isn’t her thing and live with it. Or you might find her behavior immature and that you want more from your partner and go look for it.
I live with someone who has bought dreadful gifts but is otherwise okay, so I buy my own and refuse to be bought gifts because of that. Yes I get other things from that person and do feel a bit like it is lack of care but I chose that knowing that was the relationship. It is up to you what you want from a partner. I don’t put up with anger though, that is my deal breaker.
Play Frere Jacques
I’m not sure what your relationship was like before you went long distance, but currently your communication is abysmal. You never told her how that “gift” made you feel – and I do agree with you that it was a very shallow, inconsiderate gift to give – but have now instead given a passive aggressive comment. How is she supposed to learn what to do to maintain the relationship if you can’t tell her these things properly?
And if, when you give a response that isn’t cruel or callous, telling her this makes you uncomfortable; she does not accept you or listen to your needs; that is a sign she is not mature or ready for an adult relationship. Right now after what you did it’s pretty normal for her to be mad tho.
I think that was a very selfish decision by your girlfriend. I would be livid.
You should have spoken up since your birthday was already ruined the moment you opened the gift and read the note.
This is something that needs to be properly discussed. You need to be open and honest and tell her how hurt you were. I think she needs to genuinely apologize. Hopefully she realizes why you have a valid right to be upset and that she learns from this mistake.
If she continues to make these selfish decisions, I would highly consider rethinking the relationship, as she cares more about herself than being in a relationship.
Suck it up? You’re not 10 years old anymore, being upset about birthday gifts is for children.
Have you heard of Marge, and the bowling ball?
Take the kalimba to the bowling alley and play it angrily, until a genius french kalimba player offers to teach you how to appreciate it.
Enjoy the attention, feel your heart quicken, then don’t go back to Homer, because he’s the worst.
I like that you get the hobbies of bird watching and wildlife photography, and therefore gifts outside of that are useless, and she gets jerking off on the phone. I’m glad the vibrator was so intrinsically “her” that you had no trouble satisfying her hobby and, therefore, making her birthday great, it is so unfortunate she didn’t do the same. Maybe she can think on that while she spends hours learning to play romantic songs for you on the dildo.
Beats receiving novelty underwear or a keychain.
Honestly, I’ve received few gifts from girlfriends in the past that were actually catered to my interests. People look up “best gifts for boyfriend” and that’s what I get generally (many lighters , wallets, and toolkits.. oh and novelty underwear) and my interests are VAST.
I dunno-
Complaining about a gift does nothing in my opinion but neither does boasting about how “awesome” yours is.
Just say – “thank you” and let it be. If yours is truly awesome let it speak for itself.
I wouldn’t say that a vibrator is a great gift either. Perhaps you should have just regifted the Kalimba to her for her birthday. You both suck at gifts
“And the note she sent me, said, “it’s a good gift buns(that’s what she calls me), learn how to play it, so you can play it for me.”
I mean, even on my birthday, I have to do something that I don’t like to make her happy!!”
Tell her that in a calm, mature and reasonable way. Don’t use accusatory language, just use your “I” statements and how it made you feel.
She gave you a gift that is meant to make her happy, and that comes with homework. I’d be annoyed too.
You have ever right to say “I have no desire to learn how to play that instrument, it’s not something I want to do or have any desire to do.”
If she starts talking about how much it would mean to her for you to play it for her, you can say:
“And do you really not see how that gift is about making YOU happy instead of a gift for me?”
(Although that kinda goes against my other advice of not using accusatory language…)
I guess gifts are a big deal for you. I think you’re making too much of this. The rule of thumb for gift giving when you’re not sure is to give something you’d like to receive. She thought the kalimba was it. (And they don’t seem very expensive? Why couldn’t she get one?? Anyway …). If you dont like it just set it aside and forget it. If she pesters you, just give it to her.
Frankly, I think a vibratory is a horrible gift. That seems like the sort of thing someone should choose for themself. So you don’t seem like a great gift giver either. Especially not with your smug “that’s how to give a gift” comment. Ew.
You told her you don’t want anything.
She got you what she wanted for herself.
You don’t like music.
She’s totally inconsiderate.
The day my partner gave me a juice extractor (after asking me several times if I’d like one and me saying no thanks) for my birthday, was kind of the beginning of the end of our relationship. I mean, he could have asked me to get one for his birthday, a whole month after mine, when typically none of us have any idea what to get him because he always just gets whatever he wants for himself, but no, he had to give me a thing I clearly didn’t want.
He then had the gall to drink all the juice he made by himself without offering me any. I protested and he said “you told me you didn’t want a juice extractor”. I said that didn’t mean I wouldn’t want to drink the juice he made. And when I cooked, I always made enough for him, I didn’t just cook for myself.
For me this is a sign that your GF is very selfish and doesn’t give a shit for you.
She’s just trying to connect with you. Sharing something she loves and wanting you to love it just as much.
Accept it in the spirit in which it was given , and appreciate the effort and intent. Relationships are always going to be about give and take. Take this one.
bruh this is a dumb post . you asked for nothing so you should be happy with the instrument. how can you be disappointed at a gift when you expected nothing. and you gave her a sex toy . that should have been something you give her randomly
I would just give it to her now and tell her that the next occasion you would normally buy her a gift, you will get something you want, and it can stay with you, you know, since that is what she did.
toss it or regift it to her
So, she basically bought a gift for herself.
I would learn to play and play for her while she uses her vibrator it could lead to something epic!
Give her a guitar, ask her to learn it so she can play it for you
It’s blatantly obvious she bought it for herself and that is super inconsiderate.
Bring it up next time you see her. Tell her how it made you feel. She should react with empathy and wanting to do a do-over.
Dude. It was a $20 gift, not some thing she dropped loads of cash on. Put it on a shelf somewhere and think of her when you see it.
For the Love of Christ why can’t people just communicate with their partners let me blunt TALK TO HERRR. GET OFF REDIT AND TELL HER YOU’RE FEELINGS. IT CAN’T BE WORKED ON IF YOUR DON’T TELL THE TRUTH.. like why in the fuck Is this a hard concept on here
I got you something I wanted for your birthday. Said the most selfish person ever. Good grief that’s harsh and uncaring.
Learn to play Happy Birthday! Your gift to her on her next Bday! Or Jingle bells for Christmas
I remember catching myself doing this in my relationship once (I wasn’t really a good gift giver). I ordered something for my bf that was more so for me, ended up not even being delivered (or someone stole the package) LOL. It’s what I deserved. After I caught myself, I never did that again.
It was pretty selfish of her to do that. I would recommend having a talk with her.
Tell her you actually really offended by the gift she got you because she blatantly got you something you told her you didnt like
Wow great gift giving on both of you 🤦♀️. She buys you something she wants and you buy her a vibrator. Lol. To each his own. Seems she got what she wanted.
I was going to say buy her something that you like and she has no use for other than to use it for you.
>I told her I loved the gift and that it’s super thoughtful to not hurt her feelings and ruin my birthday with an argument.
I’d like to point out that this is how a decent person receives a gift. It is not a lack of communication, as some have suggested.
Wrap it up and give it to her for her next birthday.
I would break up with her with playing time to say goodbye on the kimbalo.
This is a weirdly selfish gift, and judging by the note- she kinda knows it.
I would feel really crappy if my partner didn’t care enough to understand the types of gifts I like to receive. It’s important to me, and I am a very thoughtful and good gift giver, so I put a lot of effort into gifts, I expect the same, or at least close, from my loved ones.
“**I told her I loved the gift and that it’s super thoughtful to not hurt her feelings and ruin my birthday with an argument.”**
You don’t love it. It’s thoughtful if she hates you. What else are you lying about?
I would be honest and tell her that she got herself a gift for your birthday. She wants you to play it for her. You aren’t interested. This should be a learning moment for her.
Maybe you could learn a song and play it for her Christmas gift?
My uncle was engaged to a woman, he “bought” her a TV that he wanted for himself. He also did this on her birthday. She left him and nobody blamed her.
lmao the audacity of her buying you something SHE wanted and then saying you can just ‘give it to her if you wanted’. Good lord. I think you need to straight up tell her that it’s very obvious she wanted it for herself and was buying it for herself with you as the intermediary kalimba-holder.
“Babe, I’ve been thinking over my gift and I have to voice my feelings about it. I think it was selfish of you to get me a gift that has zero thought about who I am as a person. A gift that you yourself admitted was entirely about what you wanted. A gift that adds to my workload to make you happy. A gift that you gave in hopes I would give it back to you. Do you think you’d be happy with me if I got you history books for your birthday? Or took you birdwatching as your birthday gift? Or decided ‘for your birthday I want you to learn to speak French so I can listen to you talk in French’?
I get that you were finding a reason to justify having the Kalimba in your life, but did you truly think that gift would make ME happy, or did you buy it knowing that it would only make YOU happy for MY birthday? You’re getting your wish because I don’t have time to learn to play it, nor do I want to make time to learn to play it, so I’ll have to give it back to you for you to enjoy. I know I told you I didn’t want a birthday gift, which may seem like the same thing as getting a gift to then give it back to you, but it was actually quite hurtful that you made my birthday about you. I truly would’ve rather nothing”