Best way for me (25F) to let down a flirty co worker (36M)?

19 comments

1. Time to start taking about your pretend boyfriend. Next time your coworker brings up any topic, you respond with oh my bf likes/dislikes that too!

2. When he messages you, take a while to respond. Give short, boring answers. Be uninteresting. When you see him in person, try your best to not end up alone with him and try to get away from him as quickly as you can without being obvious or rude. And don’t go to any work events that he invites you to unless you think it’s really important for your career. Subtly, but immediately move away from him if he tries to touch you.

3. It is better, IMO, for you to lay it out in no uncertain terms. I don’t mean rudely. Just tell him point blank that you’re not interested in anything more than friendship but that you would like to be a friend. You can certainly mention that you’re uncomfortable with being touched.

   If he becomes rude or doesn’t want to remain friends then you’re better off not being involved with this guy. It isn’t your job nor is it possible to please everyone.

4. >He’s started messaging
   >
   >feel a bit stressed at the thought of needing to let him down in person

   Then message him. Tell him straight out.

   And if he won’t respect that, take it to your manager or H.R.

5. You need to report him to HR or a manager; let them know he keeps messaging you and asking you out and you feel uncomfortable. You can also ask that they can maybe send out some kind of office memo reminding people to keep their hands to themselves when interacting with their coworkers.

6. You shouldn’t try and be friends with him. He hasn’t really shown that he’s be a good one if he’s touching you when you don’t want him to (and yes even if OP hasn’t said anything, he shouldn’t be touching a colleague like that without asking).

   OP, I think you need to say it on work message and keep a record to yourself in case the chat gets deleted. Something like “I don’t want to do to any work events with you, I just like to keep work and social life separate”. And then leave it there, if he’s ina different department, presumably you can just ignore him after that if he carries on

7. What do you mean by “large in stature?”

   Regardless, “Don’t touch me” is clear and totally warranted. I don’t preface that with “please,” but you can if you insist.

8. [removed]

9. A well timed, “Why are you touching my back, that’s weird, stop it.” May be enough.

10. >he has quite an intimidating presence in real life due to his demeanour and him being very large in stature. So I feel a bit stressed at the thought of needing to let him down in person.

    This is the line that sticks out to me. You feel like he’s a threatening person and you’re worried about how he will take your rejection of his affections. That’s… not ok. Listen to that intuitive voice of anxiety. If you feel worried I would go grey rock, let him know that touching you is not appropriate, and if things escalate, go to HR.

11. Bring up your (may be non-existent) boyfriend in conversations.

12. He’s acting inappropriately in the workplace. He should not be touching you. I would be direct and just tell him that you aren’t interested in any type of personal relationship and that your relationship will remain professional only. Don’t send mixed messages by worrying about his feelings. If he doesn’t stop, go to HR. People like this seldom respect boundaries. Notice how much older he is than you are? He’s hoping to take advantage of you being less experienced.

13. From a man’s perspective, I would advise to immediately respond when he touches you. This is not acceptable and you need to be firm, but appropriate, and tell him you don’t appreciate him touching you and it is not ok.

    This will send the message loud and clear. He will know you are not interested. The remainder of his interactions could easily be his way of including you. But touching? Nope.

14. Mention your boyfriend or girlfriend as many time as you can. Even if it’s imaginary person. And also bring up the topic that you’re against relationship at work.

15. I had a very persistent suitor at work and I‘d tried everything to slough them off.

    Finally was at my wit’s end so I thought to myself- what do men hate more than anything? Women who talk too much. So next time he came by I went on and on and on talking.

    It worked!

16. >he started ever so subtly touching my lower back etc.

    Nope! No one has a right to touch you without your consent. It doesn’t matter where you are. Remove his hand from you (or ask him to do it).

    As far as distancing yourself, I wouldn’t bother addressing it directly at all. If he invites you to things or sends you non-work-related messages, just don’t respond. At all. You don’t owe him anything, and with many guys the more you say (even if you’re trying to tell them to leave you alone) the more ammo you give them when they try to persuade you otherwise.

    If things escalate, talk to your manager or H.R.

17. Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. He lays out how to handle these situations.

18. He’s sexually harassing you. I’m not saying that to suggest that your first move needs to be to go to HR, but the point is that he’s being inappropriate and he doesn’t care that you don’t like it.

    Tell him that you are only interested in a professional relationship. When he touches you, tell him to stop. Don’t respond to messages that aren’t about work.

19. Let him know you recently met someone online and have been on 3 dates so far and it might be getting serious. Let him know that continuing this conversation may make your potential boyfriend jealous and upset. You are doing the moral thing by ending any further conversations in case he searches your phone and misunderstands what’s going on