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31 comments
The woman that I’ve been dating for a couple months continues to absolutely blow me away. She’s amazing. I am putting a lot of time and effort into the relationship and she’s returning every last bit of it. I’m just really happy about it and want to gush about her but don’t want to annoy my friends with it, haha.
I’m definitely in a space now where this is gonna hurt if this doesn’t work out. That is scary and gives me a little bit of anxiety, but it is also exhilarating. A good connection has been so, so hard to find and to stumble across one this genuine and natural feels so good, gives me motivation to keep improving and growing as a man, and gives me hope.
ugh lol ended at 3 month thing with someone who said he wasn’t ready for a relationship – which I could tell but it was kind of lovebomby and he strung me along so much, we spoke and saw each other so sparingly in that time but whenever we did it was a chemistry/sex explosion. every time my rational brain would come in and I’d think about how I wasn’t being treated right we’d see each other and he’d love bomb the hell out of me/say a lot of stuff he didn’t mean and then I wouldn’t know when I’d see him again lmaooo. it was so much fun in the moment but would leave me feeling so shitty and confused after – I usually don’t make rash decisions and think about things but I got so caught up in it lol. I looked over so many red flags that I’m lowkey disappointed in myself but it is what it is. Gotta remember to keep my boundaries for next time 🤷♀️
Really quite distressed. Been doing group process psychotherapy in a way to learn communication of feelings, emotional regulation and to get a better understanding of my self and others so as to have higher quality interactions with people.
The problem is I’m not feeling anything in regards to it.
The people in the group are saying I’m to agreeable to suggestion. Maybe I am. I accept what they say and take it on inside of me to learn.
They are like what is your emotional reaction to that. I’m like there is none. Emotions are strong responses for me. I’m to trusting of them.
I have always been of the point that I do me and you do you. I am a very isolated person in terms of all interpersonal relationships. This way of thinking It has fucked shit up before.
It sucks when I put it into the sphere of dating as while I am currently taking a break after dating hard with intention all year it makes me feel like with out these skills and or qualities i am doomed in this quest.
I have only liked one person this year from going on dates with 30 women. One person. And she had toxic traits that gave me a dopamine rush so I said no.
Even when I get to 5 or so dates with someone im just not feeling it.
I have no issues getting a date. I just don’t feel it, like ever.
I’m one fucked up dude.
Going to continue not dating for the time being. Keep working on it. Which is hard I guess as live by my self, work by my self, do everything by myself. Other than bro chats at the gym and chatting once a week or 2 to a mate on the phone there’s no real way to practice.
41 years old
I really wish Tinder had the ability to pause your account when you travel. Went away for a weekend and got a bunch of likes… all from people that live nowhere near me. That and I also hate that if you go away for a weekend you wind up killing chemistry with matches on apps since you have like 0 time to juggle your trip with talking to a bajillion people.
Can someone please explain what “emotional available” is ? It seems to be on a lot of profiles.
Is not being it an epidemic at the moment ?
Endlessly grateful to this community. I’m thinking about where to go next and what I can do differently after my last thing didn’t go anywhere. I’m on the job market right now (finishing a degree), so I decided I’m not gonna actively date again until I know exactly which state I’m living in.
The loneliness is definitely nagging at me, though. I wish I could lean on someone during this time. I miss being touched and held. I miss listening to someone else’s workday and getting to inhabit normalcy for a few seconds with them.
Since I made myself look like a donkeys rear end the other day on here, I just want to know if ghosting this guy would even be ok? Typically I wouldn’t but we haven’t texted since the day he was supposed to take me to get coffee, he didnt text me all day until after i went to bed, i didnt bother responding. That didn’t happen and now I have another person who ghosted me popping back in and I’m like really tired of this.
Self celebration post – I am 100% an avoidant attachment style. I’ve been going to therapy and am actively trying to break patterns that have lead me to the same situation playing out multiple times. I just ended a situationship and set the boundary for needing space. I know this sounds minor, but for me it’s a new skill. Through this situationship I was also very open about what I wanted and communicated it on a few different occasions. Next step is to not end up in a situationship lol but we’ll get there. Maybe this is not the place to post this, but felt the need to share somewhere
Having weird thoughts and feelings.
My bf and I booked our first significant trip together today. I adore him and love spending time with him. I feel so safe and comfortable around him and so far our relationship is great. When we’re not together I miss him and I find myself wanting to spend most of my free time with him.
But out of nowhere I suddenly feel an intense amount of anxiety. I don’t know if it’s the avoidant in me popping out, but all of a sudden I feel suffocated. I’ve been single my whole life, and I love my alone time. Travel is always something I have done solo and the idea of going away with someone suddenly feels alien.
A few conversations with work colleagues today made me think a lot about the future… my goals have always been for me, and I never saw a partner in them. I have always wanted love and a relationship, but now it’s happening and particularly in my thirties it’s completely thrown me off… do I actually want kids? Do I want marriage? Do I want to own a home with someone? Am I just suddenly feeling so much pressure from society but what do I actually want?
I’m hoping this is an off day and my avoidance has just been triggered massively, but out of nowhere my feelings towards the situation have done a complete 180. Suddenly I don’t even want to talk to him today.
Just looking for support and solidarity from other black women who despite having lots to offer and being told by many people that you’re great, beautiful, the whole package… yet still dating is producing no results despite your best efforts. Ugh just feeling so invisible these days.
I (29F) think I’m self-sabotaging and I don’t know how to control myself. New guy’s being great: taking initiative, communicating regularly, giving thoughtful compliments (that don’t feel lovebomb-y at all, really rooted in what we’ve talked about or shared), correctly reading cues I wasn’t even aware I was putting out there. But the kinder he is, the more I want to run. I’m doubting if I truly have romantic feelings for him. I’m anxious about this upcoming date (5th) which will be near his place, and I’m nervous about sex for the first time with him because it’s been literal years and because the last 2 guys, we broke up after abortive tries that ended with terrible conversations. I also find myself missing/thinking about my avoidant “ex” a lot this week (though he’s not a real ex , we only saw each other for about a month) – playing back intimate moments, thinking of fave convos we had, feeling this insane urge to reach out because we had a post-dating friendship attempt that fizzled (he really strongly offered it then breadcrumbed and finally disappeared).
I spoke to my therapist and she basically said to stick with this guy, but discouraged me from bringing up these doubts because it would be me throwing instability into the relationship aka self-sabotage. But I’m going out of my mind, like I’m both both bored and scared. I realize this is very classic fearful-avoidant behavior. Does anyone have advice on how to shut down these thoughts and resist sabotage enough to enjoy this upcoming weekend’s date?
My anxiety is so bad around dating now that I’m afraid to even match with people ONLINE. 😩. I’ll hesitate on swiping right for endless reasons to the point that I’ll close the app. When I come back to it, I hesitate some more and ultimately swipe left/hit the x.
Reaffirms I’m just not ready. Mindlessly window shopping I guess and complimenting photos as I go, lol
I’m still feeling ok but I worry that I could sink back into a state of sadness/apathy/depression. I go back and forth on how I feel about my ex. Some days I’m like fuck that, what a mistake it was to date him. Other days, I miss him and wish we could’ve made it work out.
Sometimes I wish he’d reach out. But I’m never going to reach out since 1) he dumped me, so it’s on him, 2) I’m too proud to text him anymore, because I did a little early on and he was responsive, but he has never reached out to me despite telling me how much he missed me.
It’s been a complicated mix of emotions and thoughts and I hope therapy helps me sort it all out so I can move on more easily. I keep beating myself up for not being over such a short situationship and I’d like to learn how to process and accept my emotions better. I run on logic and I get frustrated when I can’t control or rationalize my emotions. 😅 My first session is tomorrow and I hope it goes well.
Not really dating related but a friend of mine is getting harder and harder to communicate with, she’s going through things and I guess she’s not interested in sharing or talking about it, at least not with me. I only even sorta know what’s going on, but I guess it’s the lack of information that makes it all seem even worse.
Just stinks, I don’t like this. I’m losing a friend and can’t do anything about it. She kept me from being a total hermit weirdo during Covid lockdown, and now…blah.
B L A H
I’m excited about a first date I have on Friday night. We’re going to a cocktail bar and then to dance. I have been talking to him for a week, and I feel a good connection. However, the thought that what if this person is a murderer came to my mind last night. Has it happened to anyone?
Update [see previous](https://old.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/16yvrd7/daily_sticky_thread_for_rants_raves_celebrations/k3cae8q/)
I’d shared some family photos with the ex, without explicit permission. Turns out some of them were not cool with that, so I had to reach out and ask her to delete them. Unfortunately she took that to mean I did not trust her and felt very hurt, and I’m now an asshole. I’ve trusted her with a lot more than that, so I didn’t think that was fair. I can see where she’s coming from though, because I’d exhibited some behavior in the early-breakup driven by depression, that is a bad mix of self-pity and a guilt trip. I’m working on being better about that in therapy though and this was not one of those times. I know the relationship’s dead and she may not care for me anymore, but it sucks that I’ve hurt someone I care for in such an unfortunate way, and apologizing/explaining will not fix it. The best thing I can do is to stay away. I’m just glad to be done moping.
In other news, I felt ready to get back on OLD yesterday and the algorithm must have decided it was my lucky day, because I got 3 seemingly quality matches. I have a first date with one of them this Friday that I’m excited about, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed and taking it slow.
I think there’s a weird asymmetry between who we’re attracted to and who is attracted to us. Sure, emo ladies are cute, but would one think I’m cute? I know who my types are, but how do I know which type is attracted to me?
Came to a revelation recently that has shaken me a bit. I got out of a relationship that lasted for 6 years earlier this year and I am moving forward in my life. My ex is not a bad person, but I’ve come to accept that he was a bad partner (possibly in general, but definitely for me).
I’m planning to either date the guy I’ve been talking to recently if interest is mutual or jump on the apps in the New Year to see who is out there. I’ve been thinking about vulnerability and emotional intimacy a lot recently and I realized that I never had either with my ex as he was so closed off. Felt like I got slapped when I realized that the next time I date someone will (probably) be the first time that I experience forming a real emotional connection with another person in that way. Kind of scary to know I have a relationship of 6 years under my belt, and yet I’ll be navigating that aspect of a connection for the first time. I’m a bit intimidated.
I opened up to a friend a little over a month ago about what my last relationship was like. She said that most people jumping back into the dating pool find it awful, but that I honestly might find it refreshing and enjoyable after the complete absence of emotional connection I experienced with my ex. It’s wild to me to imagine that I could meet someone who also wants open communication, who asks me how my day is and really wants to know, and who exists with me in a space of mutual respect.
It really hit me just now. Im terrified to open my heart up and trust someone with it again. And I think it opened up to him without me even realizing or controlling it. Its so early on still but my feelings are strong. We have both been betrayed in the past so we are taking it slow. My gut tells me he is also falling based off some of the things he has hinted at. This is all terrifying because Im scared of my heart getting crushed again. My gut is also telling me this is different and that our connection is different. My family and friends say they have never seen me talk about someone like this. I guess only time will tell.
I posted about this once before, but a guy (33m) that I (32f) dated for a few months at the beginning of this year has continued to send me random snaps despite me ignoring and never responding.
We ended things because I was ready to be exclusive and he wanted to keep his options open.
I’ve been doing well with no contact. Haven’t reached out or stalled any socials. Unfriended him on everything but somehow he was still able to send me snaps? I thought he’d get the hint when I didn’t respond to any of them, but he kept sending them. So I finally blocked him. And damn it feels good. Initiating hyper-independence mode again
Why make a “date” to talk on the phone after texting if you are not going to call? I mean, what’s the point.
We matched on an app. We messaged on the app and then by text (I always get off the app asap) and decide to talk on the phone the next day (I am a big proponent of talking asap and meeting if there is any reason to think we should).
I am not heartbroken (or even heart-bruised) about someone I have not known for 36 hours ghosting, but why bother?
Is it an ego thing? He wants to see how many people he likes like him back and want to get to know him a little? How does that stroke his ego?
Am I missing something?
Makes no freaking sense – waste of both our time.
The woman I’m seeing is great, we have our differences (mostly in the world of hobbies/media) but it doesn’t impact anything which is fantastic. At times her ESL/English Skills can be a speed bump but we usually recover moments later, if anything it always gives us something fun to talk about (i.e. Explaining a turn of phrase etc).
We are for all purposes exclusive, I haven’t looked at the apps for 2-3 weeks and neither has she – my only main reservation is she does seem a little…clingy? It’s not too intense, but it is certainly more than I’d expect at this stage of seeing each other BUT I also realize these might be one of those cultural differences, and she was very understanding when I explained that via text message, I’m not great at expressing affection but please don’t worry that I’m trying to create distance or something.
Anyway, I was going to do a bit of a DTR conversation with her properly in a week or two, but remembered in about 2 weeks she goes back to her home country for a month to see family and friends for the first time in a few years, so I’m going to leave it until she gets back.
Overall though, having a great time, but still taking it one date at a time as I’ve gotten ahead of myself before mixing infatuation because it was going so well (especially compared to the 2-3 dates then a not interested text, rince and repeat).
A friend of mine recently revealed to me that he and his wife sometimes have fun with others in the bedroom and they’re currently en route to a vacation out west where they’ll be meeting up with his wife’s best girl friend to travel with and as well as hook up with.
Meanwhile, I can’t even get any of my dating app matches to commit to plans to meetup for a coffee or even video call while my friend shakes his head and tells me he doesn’t envy being single this day in age, all while getting ready to have a week full of mff threesomes.
Hearing my therapist directly call my ex abusive made me so emotional and I’ve been emotional because of it. I don’t miss him at all and I would never get back with him. I guess part of me is sad because I gave him the opportunity to reflect on who is was and mike changes that would impact the rest of his life but instead he couldn’t self reflect and will just abusive some other poor girl eventually.
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Been dating a great woman for 3 months. Went out of states (12 hour road trip) for her sisters wedding and I think it went really well. I have a lot of relationship anxiety (seeing a therapist) but I’ll take this as a win and an enjoyable event.
Met a guy, had ridiculous chemistry with him, ended up going on four dates in one week (at his prompting). I try not to get optimistic but I was optimistic about this. Suddenly I can feel him pulling away (drastically reducing texting, not scheduling another date). Just sucks. I need a break from dating.
After being broken up with by my partner of almost a decade due to nothing more than a lack of a ‘spark’ left in our relationship, dating feels really futile. I spent my entire 20s with someone who abruptly walked out of my life despite everything, from my perspective, being perfect. Now what? Will I go out, meet another great guy, and put another 10 years of hard work into a relationship just to have it fizzle again? Has anyone else had a similar breakup?
I recently started casually seeing someone (3 dates)…we were on a steady cadence of going on cute dates and getting frisky and I thought it was genuinely going well.
He got some bad career related news recently and has been really upset about it, he’s now cancelled on me 2 times in a row (always respectfully with an explanation and plenty of notice). I know he’s going through a lot right now but it’s still really disappointing and it’s making me lose the spark I felt for him. I dont have it in me to keep texting him to ask how he’s doing and trying to meet up because I really want to see him.
What should I do? Do I let it go and if he wants to reach out he will? I don’t want to let this go because of bad timing, but obviously I can’t force someone to want to date me.
I was supposed to go on a first date tonight (OLD). He told me he would let me know the place today. Around 5 pm I didn’t hear from him so I asked him where we were going to meet. He started texting me how long of a day he had and all the things he had to do. Then he proceeded to suggest a bar that was not open today. 🙃 I responded letting him know we can reschedule when he isn’t overworked and when the bar is opened.
Did I overreact?
For those having a casual thing with your FWBs, how often do you talk to them or check in with them? I feel like there’s not a consistently right or wrong answer, so what’s a good frequency that works for YOU?
I have a FWB that started with a flurry of texts and, now that we have one meetup, reduce to a text or two throughout the day. I get it’s normal, but my anxiously attaching ass is a bit panicky from the pullback.
My best gal friend only talks to hers to setup meetups, but she said she totally would love to chat once in awhile for platonic chats.