I’ve had this issue a few times in my life and still haven’t really figured out the best way to approach it. How do you talk more deeply about intimacy with your partner (things you like, things you wanna try, etc.) while keeping the excitement and unpredictable quality alive? It’s is *so* incredibly mental, and in my experience if you dissect it too much or break down a stringent list of do’s and don’t-do’s with your partner it can have the opposite effect—instead of spicing it up, it can feel too “regulated” or predictable. This is especially true if you’ve already been together for a while, so you might open up a can of insecurity worms, making your partner think you haven’t enjoyed the intimacy you’ve been having. I would love to hear how you guys have gone about this.
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We watch porn together sometimes and discuss what we see and what we’d like to try.
Key for me is to talk about it in non intimate settings like dinner or something, it takes the pressure off so you can have a more open conversation.
You need to find a partner that matches your way of thinking. Some people have a very organized detailed mind and needs a to do list. Others can be more free spirited and open to anything. Still some are very reserved and shy and need a dominating person to take charge.
So if you want a partner to be spontaneous in intimacy while still doing more and more, just keep searching for the right partner.
I have no problem asking what she likes and wants or doesn’t. The hard part is asking for what I want. I rarely do. She knows what I like, so if she wants to do those things for me, she will. If I have to ask, clearly she doesn’t want to do it. Why ask and make us both feel bad?
And in my experience, you’re right about the “can of insecurity worms.” She has said before that she worries she’s “not enough” for me. If I start making requests about our sex life that she could construe as complaints, that will surely get worse.
I think talking about the things you want to do is far more intimate. I think you’re much more vulnerable expressing a desire than you are engaging in any act.
>a stringent list of do’s and don’t-do’s
That isn’t what talking about intimacy is.
>you might open up a can of insecurity worms, making your partner think you haven’t enjoyed the intimacy you’ve been having
This goes back to vulnerability, which is *really* at the root of what intimacy is and is supposed to be. With that said, this is not a you problem. You cannot stop someone from hearing things in words you haven’t said.
A big part is discussing it in a cool, non sexual moment. It doesn’t have to be right in the lead up, it doesn’t have to be the day or even the week you’re going to try something new.
Depending on comfort level it can also be perfectly viable to have a conversation more like “how would you like me to introduce new things, what are hard nos for you?”. The time difference between conversation to act and some trust to experiment in the moment can maintain the surprise and spontaneity without crossing boundaries accidentally. It also helps to establish a non disruptive way to back off or redirect if you find a new one.
Be sure to follow up any experimentation with positive feedback. If you gush about one new thing but leave out something else new entirely most will read between the lines without need any direct negatives. She can generally apply the same idea and you can even confirm the concept above. If it goes beyond a “meh” and you discover a new boundary, talk about that, but no need to be explicitly negative in the pillow talk otherwise.
Oi queen do ya like up the arse?
My wife and I have been together for almost 20 years, the list of what we like and don’t like is long. We talk about it and it hasn’t ruined anything, if anything it’s allowed us to do more.
Recently we had found it was tough to get enough alone time so we came up with a frickle list. I hate pickles my wife loves fried pickles so we go out to dinner without our son, she orders frickle and I eat a few and get to pick something off a list we made.
Nothing crazy on it but a little more involved than a regular session. It’s added some excitement.
I never really relied on “unpredictable.” I actually find that knowing what works is better. That way the sex just gets better. The positions we prefer together seems to just naturally evolve over time.
I never got a thill out of being with a new person for the first time. The first time is more of a test run. And it gets better from there rather than “boring.”
Gifs. Every once in a while I go on pornhub and go through some gifs of stuff I’d like to try and I’ll send em to the GF while she’s at work or something and tell her that I’d like to try it and see what she says
Sometimes yes, sometimes no
Not talking about it is more likely to ruin the mood than talking about it.
You don’t need to plan things out exactly but have a conversation when you’re both sober and clear of mind about where boundaries are and what is allowed.
There is lots of room for improvisation and excited after that conversation is had and it can even make it better after the talk with the anticipation to follow.
Nothing ruins the moment, or relationship, like crossing a boundary you didn’t know was there because you tried something new when you were hot and heavy in the moment.
By being an adult and communicating like one.
*nervously look around*
“So, uhm…you wanna try doing the thing?”
I talk about all of this with my wife. You can still be spontaneous while also doing what she likes. It was weird at first because you’ve been conditioned to not talk about it, but it gets easier over time.
I tried to, but it’s a dead end if you’re with someone that just doesn’t want to do anything.