Let me start by saying, literally the only issue in our five years together has been our different approaches to cleanliness and organization. This man is solid gold in all other aspects: values, intellect, compassion, love, humor, emotional support, fun. BUT
He (36m) immigrated to this country five years ago and is having trouble sorting a career out here. He has TRIED. Hard. This is not a lazy man. The result of this is I (33f) have been carrying us financially. I regularly work 60 hour weeks to do this. I am now buying us a house, so we can get out of the renting trap and start trying for kids next year, after a wedding I am also paying for this winter in his home country.
This financial strain has made it hard to do things I usually do for us: dates, day trips, monthlong vacations to see his family etc. — it’s also made it so I can’t afford to travel to receive awards i have won at work, buy a quality weddding dress, and other milestone things i had saved for hoping to split expenses one day.
It’s also made it hard to keep up with my cooking and cleaning over the last year. When it was just me I would hire occasional help— but between the size of his mess (BAD) and the financial strain, I can’t afford it.
I still cook most meals, but I ask him to chop vegetables and do dishes a lot more often than I used to, and he cooks once or twice a week. This works for us.
I did however ask him to take care of the mopping and the laundry, and fridge as well as making an extra effort to ensure items make it back to their home, so we stop losing our stuff which costs me time and money. I feel a bit bad about this bc I don’t want to hurt his self esteem or seem unfair in the domestic space, but He works 25 hours a week, I am working 60 with a chronic illness. I just don’t have it in me to do the majority of all things.
Well, he’s not at all keeping up.
We went to therapy to try to work through this one issue— and the therapist said to just leave things until he gets uncomfortable and cleans— we got cockroaches and mice. I am by no means a clean freak, but I can’t live like this, or bring a child into it. It’s bad for my self esteem and mental health to live in a place where I feel uncomfortable and dirty. I grew up in a place like this and worked hard to get out.
It’s worth mentioning I work from home often, so am almost never away from it. The other week he told me “maybe I should do it bc I am home all day” YEAH home alll day working my ass off to buy us a house. That one got to me. I don’t have time to go out and just sit somewhere calm and nice at all and I really want to.
It’s starting to make me feel parentified, disrespected, and just very unromantic. It’s starting to create other issues in the romance and fun department— i am just so stressed and sad and freaked out about it it’s hard to let go and have a good time. I have told him this, but the situation doesn’t improve. I just don’t know what to do. It feels bad to have a wedding under these circumstances, but also feels insane to delay marrying the best human I ever met bc he’s bad at cleaning. Was it a mistake to buy the house? Ask I being unfair asking him to do more housework?
TLDR: If I 33f am the breadwinner, is it ok for me to request that my partner 36m does the majority of housework until he finds a full time job? If so, how can I inspire him to clean to a hygienic standard without harming his self esteem?
5 comments
Whoever us working for $$ should do the least housework. He is not at all pulling his weight. How, exactly, is this a good guy at all?
It’s sad you even have to ask this. You are carrying a huge load and have been for a long time. He needs to be pulling his weight at the very least, and it seems like he’s actively making your life harder, not easier. Why are you so worried about his feelings and self esteem? He SHOULD feel bad about making you do everything. Time to lay down the law or you are in for a lifetime of carrying this man.
You are working **60 hours per week** and have **a chronic illness** while also attempting to do as much of the housework as possible because you’re afraid of *hurting his ego???*
With all due respect, fuck his ego. His ego is not more important than your emotional and physical well-being! The fact that he had the audacity to say, ‘maybe you should do it since you’re home’ is him showing you *exactly* who he is – a selfish, condescending man who has no intention of changing because the current setup benefits *him*.
My advice is to break up with him. Forever. Because he doesn’t respect you. If he did, he would want to take the load off your shoulders and he would feel no shame in doing so. He would view you as his equal. But his behavior here strongly suggests he believes it’s “your duty as a woman” to run yourself into the ground maintaining the home – and that’s sexist and so disrespectful to you as a human being. Don’t settle for someone who views you that way.
Wait so what exactly is he doing all day?
Well, if he doesn’t want to contribute more domestically, maybe he should work more hours to pay for a maid service and a meal prep service.
The “do nothing” approach has already proven a failure.