To quickly summarize, my wife and I have been together for 15 years married for 14, we have two kids we have had our ups and downs but here recently we have been fighting a lot about lack of initiation with affection, whether it just be physical, sexual, or even just complimenting me.
I am very affirming and complementary of my wife, I always touch her. I try to help her, I’m always ready for sex, even though she rarely wants to have sex. I feel like I’m above average when it comes to care and kindness to my wife. When we first got together, she was almost 400 pounds, she has recently lost weight and she is basically half the person she is now. she has always been gorgeous, but she has found a new confidence with her style, the way she dresses, the way she does her make up, to the world I she just has a lot more sex appeal as shallow as that sounds. I have never thought that, I have loved her since the beginning, and I’ve always been here no matter what.
my wife had a few boyfriends before me, and she had one serious one where she had sex with a guy and was in a pretty serious relationship with him. I had no girlfriends growing up and my wife with my first girlfriend, fiancé, and the only girl I have ever been with. i’ve never been on dating apps and I don’t really know how they work so I had to do some investigation on this, but one of our kids had her phone and was trying to get on YouTube and they handed it to me and they had accidentally clicked be in the search bar, and it said “your bumble verification email” my heart dropped for a second and I thought surely it was spam or something like that but I couldn’t just let it go I had to investigate. I clicked on it and sure enough it was sent to her primary email and then I search for the app and I found out that she had downloaded the app and then deleted it. 😢
Since my wife’s weight loss, she has gotten a lot more attention from guys, when we go out to bars, guys hit on her, guys at her job, give her a lot of attention they flirt with her, I catch them, staring at her in public all the time. I mean I get it she is a gorgeous woman , but in my head, I feel like I give her equal amounts attention at home and during our day-to-day life. I didn’t know how to react and I didn’t want to overreact so I just sat with it for a couple weeks. My initial thought is that she is craving the attention and maybe she created the account to further seek attention online.
I was still curious, so I did a little more digging in her Instagram, she has a few guys in there that we’re trying to hit on her, but the conversations never really went anywhere, just “hey gorgeous” or something like that. Only a couple of them she replied, that basically just said some thing like hi or sent an emoji no long conversations. But it got me wondering if there were longer conversations and they were just deleted.
My stomach was sick, so I finally asked her if there was anything that she was hiding for me anything that she felt like she needed to tell me and she said no, of course. I just sat there for a while and she finally got aggravated with me and just told me to quit playing games and tell her “what she did” I told her I found her bumble and she smirked first, face got a little red, then she chuckled and said “yeah so?”….. at that point I was furious because I felt like she was negating all my feelings. She then proceeded to tell me that there are two sections on bumble, one for dating, and then one for meeting new friends. The part that I don’t buy is we have a really strong friend group we have about eight friends who we are really close with. We see them weekly and hang out weekly, I don’t understand why she would be wanting to make our circle bigger? It just doesn’t make sense and it sounds really fishy.
I did a shit ton of reverse image searches on all of her favorite profile pictures and I couldn’t find anything unfortunately but she stood by her answer and said that’s all she used it for. She said she downloaded it tried it for a few days and then deleted it, I figure given the nature of the app she could at least have mentioned it to me before she download it, but the whole thing just feels really suspicious and I don’t know what to do. Am I over reacting?
47 comments
r/Survivinginfidelity is another good sub for you to post this to.
To me, she sounds a little drunk with all the confidence she had from looking better and the attention that garners.
no you are not overreacting. Using a dating app while you are in a relationship is not OK. Why does she hide it from you if she only uses it to “make new friends”. I don’t want to jump to conclusions and influence you, but that is not a good sign for me. Best approach would be to talk to her what is OK and not OK for you and set your boundaries.
I have seen reports that the percentage of cheating by people who have lost a lot of weight is pretty high.
Evidently the new found attention is hard to handle for some people who weren’t getting it before.
My wife lost a significant amount (over 100 lbs) , but her reaction hasn’t really matched the stereotype. She is disgusted by how she is treated in public compared to before and gets especially angry that guys we knew before act different around her now.
Unfortunately your wife seems to be enjoying the attention. Nothing about her secretly adding an app like Bumble to “make friends” makes sense.
Now, you said you didn’t find anything and she deleted it, so it is very possible she just “tested the waters” to see what was really going on out there after so many married years. Hopefully that’s the extent of it.
However, even taking her thoughts that far isn’t good, and her shutting down discussion of it is worse. You need to have some good long conversations with her, and make sure she understands that refusal to communicate will rightly be taken as an admission that she is doing something wrong and you will act accordingly.
Yea, she has her new confidence now. All of that time of you loving her and being there for her is now meaningless to her. She wants to see what else she can get. She wasn’t on dating apps for friends, and she clearly doesn’t care about hurting you. I mean, she literally laughed at you when you called her out for being on a dating app.
Might be too late now since she’s already had time to tamper, but I’d ask for her phone and redownload it right in front of her. If she’s telling the truth about using bumble for friends then it would still reflect that now.
You can easily tell upon opening the app which of the 3 options (dating, friendship, and I forget what the third is) is currently selected.
If the bumble says BumbleBff that is a friend finder
Sorry but on Bumble whilst married to you, that disrespect.
Weight loss achieved and testing the waters of what’s out there.
I would advise you keep tabs on her discreetly and especially if she is going out with friends without you.
The classic case of the premature confrontation. You should’ve just kept watching and snooping, and offering her opportunities to discussion any issues she may be dealing with. Your premature confrontation eliminates any real hope of her coming clean about her feelings or issues. She’s on high alert, working on operation cover up. No, she has no issues to discuss. It’s all in your head, she’ll claim. This also makes the job of snooping more difficult. You may have to engage the assistance of a professional at this point. Or just move forward as if you’ve busted her, which you sort of have. If you choose that route, then it’s 180, grey rock and lawyer up.
Maybe she wanted friends outside of your shared friend group, or maybe her friends don’t treat her well and she wanted more friends who will do different hobbies with her. Bumble does have a friend finder section on it! Why not just trust your wife?
She already lying to you and having an emotional affair from your previous post. Look do you wanna spend the rest of your like this ? She constantly lying to you over and over again she broken your trust
Hm that is strange about her hiding it. I’m married and I did download bumble and *only* for the friend section. When I got it I immediately told my husband and showed him what I was doing so he didn’t have to worry. We moved to his home state and I don’t have any friends or family here so I thought why not.
What I don’t like is that she kinda omitted this information?
Would this be the same wife who’s having an emotional affair with a guy named Alex?
You providing background info about her weight loss and subsequent behavior change helps add context to your earlier post and this one. My guess is that your wife views you as representative of a part of her past that she’s literally shed.
She done with it and she’s done with you. She’s starting to check out of her emotional commitment to the marriage, not to mention sexual attraction. I recommend you meet with an individual psychotherapist and get clarity about your needs for the future. It may help to develop a transition plan including attorney and accountant visits because I can smell the hint of divorce from where I sit.
Easy, tell her to log in with you present.
Not overreaction. She was on there to meet guys, not friends. If she wanted to make new friends, why wouldn’t she just tell you. Sorry, op, but she is most likely going behind your back with other people. She got caught and is now trying to back track.
Sorry bro, sounds like she ‘settled’ for you while she was heavy and unattractive to the majority of men, and now she’s slimmed down and is ‘hot’ in the eyes of the masses, she’s looking for an upgrade.
She’s playing you with the ‘friends’ nonsense – who uses a dating app to find ‘friends’, well ones without benefits anyway!
My best guess, she is either actively seeking a partner or just needs the ego boost other men give her. Both are problematic. And at this point the gig is up and any opportunity to have her open up about what’s really going on is past because you came at her with insufficient evidence and now she has a chance to create the narrative and cover her tracks. Sure she could’ve just been on there to find friends and I sincerely hope she is/was but I truly don’t believe that was the case. And I can almost guarantee she isn’t going to stop, she’s only going to get more clever about making sure you don’t find it.
Stories where one partner loses a significant amount of weight then they either leave or start doing similar stuff that your wife is doing, is not uncommon. She’s a different woman, with more confidence, is getting noticed more by men and has more options available to her now. Many years ago I dropped a good amount of weight and it was the same thing, although I was single at the time so I was able to enjoy it.
There is Bumble BFF but personally I don’t buy her story. She hasn’t recently expressed interest in making new friends. She didn’t bother to tell you she was going to try the app to make new friends. If she tends to share with you but kept this to herself it’s because she didn’t want you to know about it.
Unless she deleted her Bumble account, she should be able to re-download and pick up right where she left off. Have her do it in front of you so that you can make sure she didn’t change from Bumble to Bumblebff
Definitely need to have a good conversation about it. And talk about boundaries in regards to flirting, dating apps, finding friends, male attention etc. Might be good to get some couple’s therapy so that you have a neutral mediator if the comm skills aren’t really there. Remember to use I statements rather than You statements. Sometimes communications wise you have to be the bigger person.
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Also boundaries are super important. In some partnerships people are okay with flirting with others, some are okay with it only if its not with people they know or its not in front of them, some are not okay with it at all, some are okay with it only online. It all depends on the partners involved.
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Definitely sounds like a “more communication is required” situation. Snooping is never the path to go down and definitely don’t jump to the “she’s cheating on me” train like so many people like to jump to.
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It definitely sucks that Bumble packages both modes in one app. It’s probably led to many miscommunications in partnerships :p
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IMO, there’s nothing wrong with a little flirting, especially in a long term relationship. But again, that’s a boundary that you need to discuss with your spouse and where you stand.
Honestly, as someone that is bombarded by convos from men unsolicited I wouldn’t take the insta convos that went nowhere as a sign she is cheating. We post one non sexy selfie and somehow that is an open invitation for our DMs to be flooded with bots and loners.
The bumble account may have been for friends. Speak to her about it.
Tale as old as time: spouse loses weight and starts to get drunk off the new attention coming their way. Then they start to think they can upgrade spouses and boom!!
Attention is a hell of a drug. Especially to those who’ve never experienced it before.
I have the regular bumble app and I use it for Bumble BFF and Bumble Bizz to try and network.
That being said I would definitely log into her Bumble and see what date she deactivated her dating, reactivate it, and see what her profile says.
Yeah my ex did the “meeting friends online” thing. It was just an extra step before cheating. Your relationship has changed due to weight loss and other factors. It might be over.
When I was 30 I had bariatric surgery and lost 140lbs. Guys were coming out of the woodwork to talk to me. This is actually brought up a lot in bariatric support groups. It’s very common for marriages to fail after one party has lost a significant amount of weight. Their self-confidence changes and a lot of times it goes to their head and it sounds like this is what’s going on with your wife. People who have been fat for a large portion of their lives, sometimes can’t handle all the new attention they get. It’s addicting. Especially when you’ve never had it your whole life. That smirk she gave you, told you everything we need to know about how she feels about you now. If she was just looking for friends, why did she delete the app? She’s looking to move on without you.
I use bumblebff and business to make connections for my business and personal relationships, never know how somehow could help you grow financially or mentally. Humble yourself and maybe a bumble, make you need to step out of your comfort zone a little.
I think I could see giving benefit of the doubt if this was the only situation like that. But with your previous post giving context, I think your only real options are counseling if you really are interested in trying to save it, or leaving. The fact she’s already engaged in a full-blown emotional affair based on your last post, deleted the text history between them after fully admitting to flirting, and made a “joke” to another coworker that “she needs a night or two in a hotel room with (guy she’s flirting with) to get it out of her system”… there’s really not any benefit of the doubt that I could see worth giving there. That last comment alone would be enough for me to wash my hands of the whole thing.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I won’t say there’s no saving it, I don’t know the specifics of either of your or your relationship, but I will say if my brother had recounted what you’re telling here I would be begging him to get out before he gets even more hurt.
Sorry but I think your marriage is over. She has checked out emotionally and once that happens the relationship is done. The best thing for you to do is sit down with her and have an adult conversation and put everything on the table. Tell her how you feel about everything that is going on and ask her to do the same. Then go from there.
That’s what u get for being too affirming and complementary.
U gasses her fat head up so much she feels she is better than you and deserves better.
U treated her like a superstar and she treated you like the fan you are.
Divorce her my dude.
She didn’t lose weight for u
She lost weight to replace you.
Talk to a lawyer and plan your exist strategy.
She knows ur the kinda dumbass who could find her getting double stuffed in you bed and u would be the one who ends up apologizing.
Do you give her or converse with her enough for her to talk about the app. Just asking this because an ex of mine blamed me for having a tinder account while I said it near him that I want to know how the app works out of curiosity. He obviously didn’t hear that part and blamed me for that. It’s good to have a positive curiosity, ask her and settle the matter on your bond and your affection state. The thing why the question arises may change any other situation but you got to clarify your feelings and emotions. Ask calmly. Don’t hold on to your past. Rather take the answers than be in confusion.
I would say you’re definitely not overreacting. I don’t buy that she’s only on there seeking friendship
1+1=2. Bumble and Alex. How much more do you need?
NO ONE uses bumble for friendship. Dump her she’s a liar
I wouldn’t trust it, as a girl who used bumble for friends, theres not a separate app, just a separate profile. Either way, the fact that she had the app and its recent I’d be suspicious. Im nervous for you if you never find out the real truth. If I were you, I’d be paranoid….. remember emotional cheating is still cheating….
Make sure it’s not Bumblebff, that’s for friends and it’s 98% on there. I use it
Sounds like your wife is looking to upgrade so set boundaries or split up
Hey, if you find something please just say it outright. Like, I accidentally saw this on your phone, can you please tell me about it?
It doesn’t have to be combative, just information seeking. Just cut through the static and ask what you want answered. Saying things like “Is there anything you want to tell me?” Can get you reactions like “We’re low on peanut butter.” or “Why did you eat all the grapes?” Yes, these are exaggerations, but I am sure you get my point.
By dropping hints and getting odd answers, you leave yourself to hours/days of wondering and worrying. You don’t need that.
Sounds like you’re in a tricky situation. If it were me to find that on my spouse’s phone I would be devastated. I wish you the best in this ugly situation.
Ok, funny thing… I kinda did the same thing to my husband. I signed up for bumble bff but didn’t tell him, and then i didn’t know how to use the app, and went to ask him for help and he gave me a funny look, like, why are you on bumble? It didn’t even occur to me that he would be upset bc it’s normally for dating. It was so far off from my intentions I didn’t think to tell him. I also have a lot of good friends. Unfortunately they are always busy or getting together with them takes forever to schedule or our interest have diverged. So I’ve really wanted to meet new friends, despite having different friend groups. I tried bumble bff for a month and quit bc so many ppl on there were weird. So… despite many other comments- your wife’s story could be very true. I am the exact proof of that.
Plan your exit, she’s losing the weight to leave and will do so when she secures another guy’s affection. Seriously, be discrete and make plans on how to leave cleanly. Hit the gym yourself and get your diet in order. Sorry dude, but this isn’t going to end well; the best thing you can do is set yourself up to be a better version of yourself as you leave than you were when you were with her, and to leave with your pride vs begging someone who’s betrayed you and is checked out of the relationship already. Don’t drag it out sir, leave with self respect.
If she isn’t concerned then she probably isn’t doing anything wrong and you are being insecure. I get hit on all the time and I had snap chat but deleted when friends started being gross well, one friend but that shit bothers me my other friends I still talk to. She doesn’t sound like she is doing anything wrong you just sound insecure and upset that other people find her attractive because you think maybe she won’t be as attractive to you or something. If you find that she has changed in personality and you don’t. like it that is one thing but this sounds more like you being insecure and thinking because she lost some weight she must be cheating. Find out why you feel that someone would cheat after they look a little different because you seem to be feeling like you are lacking something at least that is how I am reading it, but I could be way off.
It’s really hard to tell based on what you wrote if she’s actually interested in pursuing other relationships or if you’re just feeling jealous and threatened by the change in her physical appearance. The latter is actually quite common when one partner loses a lot of weight after being quite heavy, but since I don’t know either of you, I can only go on what you wrote.
Have you thought about doing some sessions in couples counseling? It does seem like your conversation about the Bumble account went poorly, so you might benefit from having a guide who can help you communicate with each other and figure out what’s really going on. It’s worth a try!
Edit: After reading your other post, my advice is to try individual counseling. Get some support for yourself and some help figuring out next steps. That’s the best thing you can do right now.
Get tested for STIs. dna test your kids. This behavior didn’t happen overnight. There’s always a pattern and breadcrumbs regarding cheaters.
Talk to a lawyer. She sounds like she’s not remorseful. I’m pretty sure she actively cheated on you and she got caught.
Bumble does have a friend feature and I have used it. I am married.
If she says it’s to make friends and she hasn’t shown any other signs that you shouldn’t trust her, I’d believe her and move on.
Your wife cheated with Alex and she has a dating app. What else do you need buddy. A lawyer is what you need.
She’s responding to men on instagram and has a profile on bumble. She doesn’t respect you and is testing the waters to leave you.
400 lbs…man…..
What do you mean seeking advice? Get a divorce not hard