So hear me out.
I 19F got together with my boyfriend 20M seven months ago. We met each other in college and really hit it off. Unfortunately he got a job in another state so we were forced to enter into a long distance relationship. It’s been three months since then and things were going smoothly, that is of course until the topic of “doing the deed“ was mentioned. It is important to note that I am a virgin and that I have never participated in any sexual activity with anyone. The most I have done is kissing and of course it was with him. He is fully aware of the fact that I’m a virgin, as I had told him prior to us dating. At first he thought I was lying but eventually he started to believe me.
The other night while we were talking over the phone he brought up the topic of ”smex”. Please note that we had discussed this topic already but to a lesser degree. To be honest I was slightly uncomfortable but I went along with it, because I felt this was my duty as his girlfriend. We ended up on the topic of protection. I suggested that we use condoms but he stated that doesn’t use them, ladies and gentlemen guess why that is? Because “They make him feel bad.” He has no health issues preventing him from using them he just doesn’t want to. He also doesn’t want me on birth control because they ruin the body and lower fertility.
He then begins to state what he wants in the bedroom. Apparently he likes to choke people. Look I’m not trying to kink shame anyone but i don’t find that appealing. I tell him in no uncertain terms that it’d be a no for me. I wouldn’t even care that he likes doing it if he hadn’t said “okay, I won’t willingly choke you but it may happen in the heat of the moment.” Tf? I made it clear to him that I wasn’t interested and moved on with the conversation.
Because I lack experience, I don’t really know the types of things I would like in bed, so I suggested that when we do sleep together we communicate and I will say no if I don’t like it or push him away. But, apparently, according to him people ”don’t talk when they have sex.” what?? like am I stupid?? He also added “how would you be able to say no if your mouth is covered or your hands are restrained?” sir what? I don’t remember agreeing To this . He then went on to say what pissed me off the most “it Will hurt, that is if you are a virgin“ excuse me? I’ve told you a million times but you still have the nerve to disregard me and assume that I’m a lier?
This whole situation has made me develop a fear of ever participating in any form of sexual activity with anyone, but I can’t help but think I’m overreacting since I’m inexperienced.
ever since this conversation I haven’t really Been in contact with him and it doesn’t help that shortly after this my dog got diagnosed with cancer. I’ve made up my mind that I’ll break up with him so how do I go about it?
P.S sorry for my bad English, it isn’t my first language.
37 comments
Tell him you have no desire to be with someone who has such little care or respect for you and your boundaries.
***RUN***
>I suggested that we use condoms but he stated that doesn’t use them, ladies and gentlemen guess why that is? Because “They make him feel bad.” He has no health issues preventing him from using them he just doesn’t want to. He also doesn’t want me on birth control because they ruin the body and lower fertility.
Well, that’s a hell no. Even on birth control, you should always use condoms as BC doesn’t protect from STD/STIs and unless he has test results from a doctor saying he can’t give you anything, better safe than sorry.
>Because I lack experience, I don’t really know the types of things I would like in bed, so I suggested that when we do sleep together we communicate and I will say no if I don’t like it or push him away.
This is an excellent boundary to set. You need to be in communication with your partner during sex. Otherwise, how will anyone know what’s going on? You could both not be enjoying it but going on because you think the other is. “No” is always on the table.
Stand by your boundaries.
Just tell him you don’t think you are compatible. He has different standards and expectations from the relationship than you do, and his comments have made you feel like this isn’t the best match.
You can elaborate by saying that his comments made you feel unsafe in a sexual situation with him, as he has not only said that no protection or BC should be used, that he might assault you “in the heat of the moment”, but also didn’t want you communicating with him during what will be your first time.
He’s trying to manipulate you you, definitely dump him
“He then begins to state what he wants in the bedroom. Apparently he likes to choke people.”
There are a bunch of red flags in your post. Get away from this creep.
>This whole situation has made me develop a fear of ever participating in any form of sexual activity with anyone
It shouldn’t. It should only make you develop a fear for sleeping with THIS man, since he is clearly just using you and has 0 interest in your pleasure or comfort levels. Absolutely not all men are like this.
You tell him, “That talk about sex really opened my eyes to the type of person that you are and I have no interest in furthering this relationship with you any longer.”
Your BF is a walking, talking, communist flag parade!
Keep it simple & to the point – you are concerned about his attitudes towards sex & consent. You have no desire to stick around while he tries to test your boundaries. Because of that, the relationship is over.
Then you block & delete.
Please leave him.
Ummm RUN!
Break up. Don’t get into why, just say that it is over.
Next time, however long you wait to have sex, don’t wait six months to talk about it. Start with ‘I want to know and trust my ‘first’ so I don’t anticipate it happening soon but if we are going steady, we should talk about what sex might look like down the road. Tell me your thoughts on birth control, monogamy, and porn for starters.’
You go about it by saying you’re sorry, you’re just not a match. And wish him well, and leave it at that.
I’m so sorry about your dog.
>This whole situation has made me develop a fear of ever participating in any form of sexual activity with anyone, but I can’t help but think I’m overreacting since I’m inexperienced.
Don’t generalise this, this is quite unique to him. Even lacking experience you’re aware that most people don’t choke or accidentally choke others and his lack of trust in your virginity is just him being a gross insecure shithead.
Just be direct and say ‘hey, I’ve thought about it and don’t want to continue this relationship. Thanks for your time and good luck.’ Don’t offer any specifics, you owe him absolutely nothing.
Please don’t even kiss him ever again. I’m begging you.
This guy just waved the biggest and brightest red flag possible. He literally said if he doesn’t get what he wants he’ll probably just have to assault you. That’s disgusting and terrifying and you absolutely should end this relationship and block him immediately
Stay far away from this guy.
This guy does not respect sexual health or consent. Run.
This is horrifying. Please get away from this person.
I think “fear” is 100% the correct term for this. This does not sound healthy.
Well if that doesnt sound like a rapist, idk what does.
Not only is a a walking collection of red flags, he is also woefully misinformed about birth control. Block him on everything.
“I no longer am in a relationship with you, cease all further communication.” Then proceed to block him on everything and cut him out your life.
You need to be 100% up front. He’s an angry boy looking for someone he can hurt and manipulate under the guise of a relationship that doesn’t have the experience to call him out on his shit. Also tell everyone you know what he said and that if he reaches out to them looking for information on you that you don’t want them giving him anything.
As a woman, you need to be proactive, paranoid, and thorough because people like that can retaliate and it can be deadly.
Also, I would recommend using masturbation as a tool to start exploring what you like/don’t like sexually. Obviously it’s different with a partner but it can still be a solid guide to help you understand things.
Please get out of this relationship. Reasons:
– Since when did condoms make someone look bad? Protection from STDs and unexpected pregnancy/abortion is “bad”?
– He sounds like a wannabe “daddy dom” because he saw it in porn or read about it somewhere.
He has a very fucked up notion of what sex is supposed to be like. All those things he mentioned are things that people do when they have a solid foundation of trust and care for each other and the man/woman stops as and when the other partner wants. Nothing happens in the “heat of moment”
This guy does not seem to be a good partner for a first experience in sex. In fact he seems to be very bad partner for any sex ever. Boundaries, safety should be absolutely not negotiable.
It is very natural to want to have a sweet, slow, fun, communicatice time the first time in sex. In fact for very many people these are things you want every time you have sex. Kinky things are not something everybody wants and when they are, they are NOT opposed to these things.
This guy has a lot of growing up to do. Maybe he has has bad role models or something. He is very obviously a bad person for you now. If you want to help the next woman this guy tries to have sex with, you could say in a text that his ideas about violating boundaries and disregard for safety were VERY, very unattractive which is sad because you would have been maybe up for some respectful sex. And now you guys will never ever have sex. These things cannot be unsaid.
You will find somebody great. Use your words. You have done that here which is great. You saved yourself a lot of badness here and are now a bit wiser. No harm done!
He sounds very immature, especially after referring to sex as “smex” and the fact that he is unwilling to use condoms because they’re uNcOmFoRtAbLe.
He’s telling you directly that he’s going to sexually abuse you. ***Listen to him and get the fuck out.***
Do not sleep with this man. He is going to trample over all of your boundaries and then try to gaslight you because of your lack of experience. Never, NEVER let someone talk you out of using protection/birth-control.
You seem to have a really good head on your shoulders. Good job recognizing that this is bullshit! I’m proud of you OP; I know it can be hard to recognize that someone is unsafe when you’re actively engaging with them. Keep trusting your instincts and don’t let anyone push you around!
Sorry to hear all that.
Keep your V card for a good long time. Do not give this dude anything in that regard.
1. A true lover will *absolutely* talk during the entire process. Conversation is key.
2. Someone’s first time should never be “condom free, choking, with you bound.” Etc. Yikes.
3. Never, EVER let someone pressure you into sex, at all. No matter if they’re your boyfriend or not. If you don’t want to, speak up and stay strong.
I have two very young daughters. I won’t have to deal with this for a good long while (hopefully). But, I feel very bad for you.
Good luck.
GTFO!!!! So many red flags!!!
I’m gonna break some down:
Choking without consent “in the heat of the moment” is NOT okay. Anyone who cares about you and respects you will not cross your boundaries.
It is NORMAL and HEALTHY and GOOD to actively communicate during sex. That is honestly how you can have the best kind of sex, where both people feel satisfied and comfortable and are able to express what brings them the most pleasure!
Sex does not need to hurt the first time!!! If you are aroused enough, relaxed enough, use enough lube, and warm your body up, it does not have to hurt. In fact, it probably shouldn’t hurt!
and of course: Any man who refuses to wear a condom when you request it can jack off instead. They do not get an invitation to your body if they can’t respect something that simple.
“In my age group [mid-20s] and below, it’s considered quite normal … there is research proving it’s not safe in any form, it’s becoming quite strange that men want to do that to women.” First it is an act that is done to mostly young women, and some young gay men. It affects verbal and visual working memory tasks compared to controls, suggesting that being choked/strangled during sex may modify the allocation of neural resources at increasing levels of cognitive load. It is linked to homicide potential… Never let anyone choke you. It is a porn feature. Do not have sex with him. It is meant to be loving and beautiful especially when you are young. Maybe kinky as you go along. Choking can damage your brain cumulatively. That is just the start of the research.
Also he is a selfish lover, the condom thing is strictly a selfish. Do not have sex with him, and I would stop dating him. [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35722189/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35722189/)
This is not the guy to experience your first time with. Since you’re already long distance it should be easier to break up. Just tell him you don’t want to talk to him anymore.
To break up I would first subtly make sure to take home everything of mine I need or want- that way when you break up he has nothing to hold over you or manipulate you with.
Then for the breakup I would either call him and end things or meet at a neutral place like a busy public park. You don’t have to say much. You can just say this relationship is not working out for me. I wish you the best but I do not want to be in a relationship anymore.
The hardest and most important is just leaving after that but I believe in you!!
You can’t be safe with someone like that. I also always make sure to schedule like a drink with my friends or a coffee with my sister for right after the breakup so that you are expected somewhere else AND you have a shoulder to cry on.
Good luck!!
You better break up with him, or I assure you that you will end up traumatised. He doesn’t care about you.
You deserve so much better than that POS
Okay, OP–I’m forty, and have been very sexually active for twenty years. I was a virgin until I was a bit older than you. I have had more partners than I can remember, and not all of those experiences were great, but a lot of them really were–and wow, but this guy either doesn’t know what he’s talking about, or he’s lying to you on purpose.
When you haven’t had sexual experience and other people your age started a while ago, it can feel like you don’t know what’s going on, don’t know what’s normal, don’t know where to start. But your instincts here are *really good*.
This guy is bad news. Nobody chokes “in the heat of the moment” unless they’re too dangerous to fuck. He should not be planning to cover your mouth or restrain you when you haven’t ever had sex before.
And it absolutely doesn’t have to hurt to have your first sexual experience. Care, time, and ease can make for an entirely painless experience. My first time did not hurt.
Lots of people talk during sex. Checking in with your partner is good form.
And anybody with a dick who cares about you will agree to wear a condom.
You aren’t overreacting. You shouldn’t ever have any form of sexual activity with THIS guy. You’ll probably like to have sex with someone else, later, who isn’t a predator with a fetish for hurting his partners. But if you never want to have sex, never do, that’s fine too! Just don’t let one abuser stop you from trying new things.
This is not the right person for you. He sounds immature and disrespectful. The right person will respect your boundaries and the fact that you’re a virgin. They won’t shame you nor disregard your boundaries AT ALL. Break up with him and don’t look back. Have someone you trust near the area if you do it in person (for your safety) or do it through the phone (text/call). Do whatever you feel comfortable and safe to do. Also, for future reference, NEVER “go along” with something because you think it’s “your duty.” It’s not your duty to do anything that you DON’T want to do (even as a girlfriend, friend, etc.). You seem very smart and I’m glad that you’re firm with your boundaries. Keep it up! Stay safe and I wish you the best of luck with everything!! Xx
Wow. Yeah, he doesn’t believe you are a Virgin. You don’t really talk about ‘bdsm’ stuff this way ‘I will do this, and you will be restrained without prior conversations about consent and boundaries.
It seems that reassuring you is not in his priority or even his mind at all.
I’m not saying losing your virginity must be perfect (probably won’t) but with him, it might be awful and likely to give you trauma.
Run for the hills.
He sounds like a dick. Trust me, it’s not your inexperience that is making you feel uncomfortable. It’s him.
This is dude is insane and a fan of rape apparently. Run while there’s still time.