Growing up, I’ve had some major self-esteem issues, always hating myself, never feeling good enough. Some time ago I’ve realized that I only hate myself because I’ve internalized other people’s opinions of me rather than actually not liking the person that I am. Since then I became more at ease with myself. For the first time in my life I can say that I like the person that I am.
The thing that’s bothering me is that all the feelings inadequacy come back full force when I’m around other people. The reason why I even care about other people’s opinions of me is because of my desire to be loved and respected. That desire is so ingrained in my monkey brain that no amount of logic can ever remove it. I’ve tried isolating myself from the outside world and just focused on doing my own thing, but that experience has been so damaging to my psyche that I just couldn’t handle it.
The funny part is that even though I have such strong desire to be loved I simply don’t want to conform to social norms in order to achieve that. People tend to not like me because I’m either too weird or boring, but I have no desire to change those traits. Even though it’s selfish and unrealistic I just want to be loved for who I am.
2 comments
I feel the exact same way.
I’m sending you so much love, because I can absolutely feel your desire to be loved in your words. That being said, it sounds like that you DO like the person you are (and if it helps- I think you’re pretty awesome being this vulnerable & self aware) which is the most important achievement you can accomplish.
Is it a certain friend group triggering this? Could you put yourself out there (take classes for interests you have, ex painting) and meet new people?
It sounds like you’d be able to tell pretty quickly if it’s an energetic match or not. What helps me (try it on and see how it feels, or not, up to you bc it’s a little odd lol) to imagine everyone as a little kid, just all trying to feel loved & accepted. It diffuses a lot of the intensity/fear of judgement for me because I know that everything I may pick up from them energetically is actually a reflection of how they feel about themselves. Nothing is ever personal – even when it feels like it.
Side note- have you ever heard of inner child work? It’s basically like imagining your youngest self and asking them what they need & then giving them that. For example, my inner child often needs a hug & to be held while she feels her emotions. It may be heady for some, but it’s helped me a lot. 💗