**UPDATE**
I sincerely appreciate everyone’s time in commenting on this. I know that I have a lot to work on and I understand why many of you think I am a lost cause. I will say that a lot of this was somewhat of a moment of realization for me last night. Coming to terms with my reason for drinking, my reason for working so much, ect. I went to my first meeting tonight for addiction and have gotten rid of all of the alcohol in my house. I know it’s just a first step and possibly one that’s too little too late, but at this point even if my marriage is doomed, I want to be better for my son.
Not sure how to do this or even why I am doing this, but last night was tough and today is getting tougher.
I’ve always considered myself a kind and empathetic person. Me and my wife have been together for 4 years and have a 15 month old son together. Ever since my son was born, things between us haven’t been great.
I found a second job that I worked 5 days a week on top of my standard 5 days a week job. So 3 days I’d work both jobs and I was always working sat/sun at the second job. I worked 7 days a week for a year until my wife had enough and I quit the second job. She has been a stay at home mother since our son’s birth, and our finances were never really that great.
I have realized that I’m following in my fathers footsteps (working all the time to provide because I’m scared I don’t know what to do or how to be a father).
Last night me and my wife got into it pretty good and the general theme was that I am distant and don’t keep her in mind. That I abandoned her and my son to go work to provide because that’s all I know how to do and I was escaping the father and husband role this way. We start discussing if we can even work through this, if she can trust me when I say I’ll change for her and our son.
Then she hit me with a question j wasn’t expecting. “If we were to take a break, would we be exclusive during that time?” I found out she has been talking to a person in another state that she used to know and “had him in mind” if we were to see other people.
At this point, I don’t know what to do. I love her and I know I haven’t been a good husband or a present father for the first year of my sons life, but I want to change that and don’t want to become my father, but now all I can think about is how she had someone lined up that she was wanting to see. She also mentioned that if we divorced and her parents moved out of state, she would be taking our son with her.
My son is the light of my world, and I couldn’t even imagine being away from him for weeks at a time. I love my wife and want to work on things, but I don’t feel like she wants to any more. We are in marriage counseling and have an appointment on Sunday that I hope will help. Not sure what I’m looking for with this post but I had to get some of this off my chest. It feels like my whole world is upside down, and if it wasn’t for my son being here, I honestly don’t know if I’d want to continue on in this life.
32 comments
Talk to a divorce lawyer. You need to protect your custody rights if she decides to leave.
I think her point is valid. From her perspective, while you’re providing financially, she is feeling completely emotionally disconnected from you. So then she ends up inadvertently emotionally connecting with someone else to fulfill that need.
If she’s truly willing to try a bit longer, I think what needs to happen is you need to figure out a budget where you can just work a regular job and then actually be home and be ‘present’ during that time to connect with your wife, as well as give her a break from your son. She’s likely burnt out and exhausted being the primary parent.
I’d like to think if you can figure that out, things will get better over time.
> Then she hit me with a question j wasn’t expecting. “If we were to take a break, would we be exclusive during that time?”
This question would mean the end of the marriage for me.
Ok first of all since she is already thinking of this guy as a possibility if you separate, it sounds like she may be in an emotional affair with him. Have you seen any of there communications?
If there are things you need to work on then good go to it. Yes do become a more present father and supportive husband.
But at the same time I would demand she go no contact with this guy IMMEDIATELY. She has already expressed a possibility of him being your replacement, if you don’t take action he WILL be.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme!
She must be so lonely & overwhelmed. She’s doing all of the parenting & you’re absent 7 days a week for the entirety of your baby’s life. If you’re being really honest with yourself – you’ll miss your son, but you spend so very little time with him, would it really be that different than it is now?
You snuck the bit about being an alcoholic into the comments, but you need real professional help & what’s best for your wife & child may not be staying in a home with you.
So she wants a break to test drive the new guy. Nothing to do with you working all the time. She is making the choice to cheat on you. Instead of talking to this guy she could of easily approached you with her concerns. Instead she chooses to cheat then gaslight you into believing it’s your fault. It isn’t.
Don’t let her dictate terms of any split and get in first and see a lawyer and most of all stop blaming yourself. It’s her making these choices
What is it when a relationship is failing and money is tight that people think a baby will solve it all 🤷🏻♂️
They don’t arrive with cash and date night coupons
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If you both put in the work, you’ll make a lot of progress in counseling. That means she has to buy in and tell her boyfriend that she needs distance. She also has to admit to the emotional affair.
But I’m not blaming this on her, of course. You guys just need to get on the same page in therapy, learn coping skills, communication skills, and how your marriage will work. Most people only know what their parents taught them, and that’s not helpful.
Either way, the best way to work through problems is to read, learn, apply, and attend counseling together. Separations often just help people get used to getting divorced. Obviously there are exceptions.
In your counseling session tell her you are open and willing to work on yourself and also work with her to improve your marriage. Ask her directly how emotionally involved she has gotten with this other guy. Taking a break could be an excuse so she can test the waters with him. Tell her you don’t want a break and ask if she is willing to cut off contact with him for the sake your marriage and your son. If the answer is no then you have your answer, she is already in deep with this guy and is going through the motions so she won’t look bad for bailing without making an effort to improve the marriage. If the answer is yes then go all in. Commit to being a good, present husband and dad. Romance her, do family stuff together. If it doesn’t work at least you know you gave it your best shot. Then get a good lawyer to make sure you get a fair custody arrangement.
Just imagine how many times OPs wife asked him to work less and help her with the baby, the house, the cooking. Like hundreds upon hundreds or thousands of times. That’s why she’s done, that’s why she doesn’t believe he can change. Because he didn’t. Sorry OP, please tell all your friends that women’s suffering is not never ending just because you don’t want to change.
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What I don’t understand is why she doesn’t get a part time job and you can watch your son. That seems to be the easiest solution. If you had one that worked around your main job, she should be able to get one also. You working two jobs is the reason you haven’t been as present as you’ve wanted to be. You’ve made sacrifices, she needs to also.
By talking to a lawyer, they should be able to tell you what you need to do so she doesn’t take your son out of state.
Ugh, you have a long road ahead of you either way.
I personally was in a similar situation and we did fix it and make it work. But the scars remain for both of us, and they won’t ever go away.
Your wife is already emotionally cheating. My wife was more ready to just go have a “ho phase” rather than one dude in mind. But as a person that was always incredibly secure even when we took breaks or there was infidelity in the past or big relationships had ended, I never blinked. I was just always really strong in that department.
But the stuff she said the last time and just all of it, broke that in me. I’ve been pretty insecure ever since and it fucking sucks.
We both had to work incredibly hard for years to become haply and healthy again. It’s every day. To this day we still do it.
As for divorce, I mean, if she is already checking out and looking elsewhere. Is she even willing to try? If you really sit down and think about what she offers you in life beyond being a mother to your child and a comfort zone between not being single, is she even truly worth it?
Let’s rephrase that. Let’s say you also had a woman who was a great match for you lined up just waiting to date you and make you happy. Would you still want to stay with your wife?
You will need to do a deep dive into all these questions and feelings and more. Therapy is a must either way it goes. Don’t do any of this without individual therapy. Good luck.
As a wife and mom, I would be so hurt if my husband was gone as much as you say you were and wasn’t engaged when he was home especially during those rough baby years. I get finances can be tough but can there be a conversation about cutting corners or part time work for her so you can be home more? If you want to save your marriage, you need to step up on an emotional level and be engaged (not just there). I’m sure there are books or YouTube videos on how to engage with your family. That sucks about the someone lined up. She was probably lonely and looking for an emotional connection. I don’t condone that. I would work on myself and my marriage and really increase the engagement but probably (not at first ) would have a conversation with her about continued contact with the guy. I really liked this guys book: https://marriagemax.com/?gad_source=1
There’s a saying that women fight for a marriage in the marriage and men fight for it when it’s over.
I am guessing that is the case here. By your own admission, you have been gone for your child’s entire life. You are an alcoholic who drinks 4 to 6 beers a night. You admit to using beer and video games to avoid things.
I can’t imagine that your wife has never complained about these things. I think you just ignored her complaints until she mentioned separation and another man. Now, finally, you want to be a husband and father. It’s shitty that she is talking to another guy.
I have no idea if it is too late for your marriage. But it’s not too late for your son. Get sober and be present for him.
First she has to stop talking to the guy no question I understand she was lonely and felt alone but talking to another person and not speaking to you how’s she’s feeling is wrong do either of you have family around so maybe she can find work so it ease some of the stress couple counseling is good start doing stuff as a family that’s either free or cheap like walks
So she is having an emotional affair and blackmailing you to stay with your son. She probably still wants the break to go fuck the guy. You should talk to a lawyer
If you want to change start now with your actions not just with your words. It’s the only hope you have. Like literally at this second
An emotional affair is never valid or excusable. I’d be asking to see the communications between her and this other guy. If your finances are so tough that you’re working 7 days a week, she needs to find a part time job to make up the excess. It’s clear you don’t want to be working these hours but there’s not enough income to support her being at home off one job. You two really need to communicate daycare and her finding a job. For a lot of families, being a stay at home parent just isn’t feasible in this economy. It would also help her find friends and feel less isolated on top of you having more time to be home, helping with the house and child raising.
So, you say you drink 4-6 beers a day and you think it’s not a problem? Hmmm. In alcoholic talk that’s really like 9 or 12. I know, I’ve been there.
I don’t know man, I don’t know what to think about all this. Sounds like you’re distant and about to lose your family. Again, I’ve been there.
However, she absolutely cannot take your son to another state without your consent. Or in some states, she would have to convince the court that it’s in the child’s best interest.
You’ll need to research the law in your state regarding this.
This may come down to you getting a lawyer in order to keep partial custody of your kid. But quit drinking NOW.
I did drugs and drank my whole life. 32 years of it. Tomorrow October 18. I will be 6 years sober/clean off drugs and alcohol. I put my wife and my family thru the worst treatment one can imagine. Your wife isn’t looking for apologies and a sob story from your sorry ass 10x a day and notes and texts and messages. She’s looking at how you and your behavior is going to change. And I’m not saying one or two things, I’m talking about all of it. And she’s taking notes. You’re on a fine line now dude.
You better go to those meetings, you better find a sponsor, you better go see a therapist… you better figure out yourself to make your life a lot better so that her life can have some meaning behind it. Because if you don’t, she will leave your ass. And take the dog. That’s all up to you tho, it’s how bad you want her. She don’t need you. You realize that right?
I don’t think you are a lost cause! It’s sad that it took things getting to this point for you to realize your escapism was causing so much harm. You have a beautiful son and a wife that has been trying to make things work with you. Maybe she’s done, but all you can do is work on you.
And your son needs you. 100% you can break the cycle, have a loving and present relationship with him, and give him a shot at being able to be a loving and present husband and father himself one day. You are doing amazing if you really are addressing your alcoholism and workaholism.
Being present in your life is going to be painful sometimes, especially if your wife decides to move on (or has moved on). But you will still be so much better off, because you will have a life. Not just the shell of one. You’ll be present for the joys as well as the pain.
You can do this. I believe in you. Your son is less than 2 years old! It’s not too late at all. Keep figuring out the next right thing to do and do it. Be a man you can be proud of. If you stumble just get right back on track- you’re human and it’s ok, but you’re responsible for the direction you go from here.
I knew a dude like you once. He was totally shocked when his wife left him. He was even more shocked to learn his son didnt even care. Dude was absent in his kids life so much his kid didnt even really notice when the divorce happened because not a lot changed for him. Your son wont even notice when you’re gone right now.
I’m not trying to be a negative Nancy here but I’d like to share my story.
I was your wife. My ex husband did the same thing, except not so chivalrously. He worked, but sometimes wouldn’t come home til 3 or 4am. Sometimes he’d stumble in drunk. It got to the point my son was sick of me, and desperately wanted his father. It killed me to see my son cry for his dad, and his dad didn’t care. I, for one, warned him. I told him I wasn’t happy with him living a single life while I was the only parent around. But he continued this way for over a year. So I started to talk to someone. Believe me when I say, if we’ve already made the decision to talk to someone else, we’re done. I think she was just easing you into the process by mentioning it casually. But who knows, maybe she’ll come around. But in my experience, her mind is made up
File for custody? He’s an alcoholic who has barely been involved in parenting.
Dude was working himself into an early grave to support his family cause his wife is a stay at home mom and people in the comments just saying oh you shouldn’t have worked so much. Do you people not realize how expensive shit is? Maybe his wife should’ve realized what he was doing, say fuck it, and went back to work so he didn’t have to work 7 days a damn week. But oh no poor little Suzy fucking homemaker gets kissy cause he’s never home cause he’s busting his ass. The alcohol and video games though, bro come on now. That’s dumb shit you don’t need I. Your life brother. But the other shit is just as much her fault as it is his.
At the very least your wife has been having an emotional affair, has she tried communicating these issues to you in the past?
So you’re working yourself into the ground to provide for them and she’s talking to another man behind your back? And it’s all your fault? I’m confused here. Why do you want to save this marriage? She’s emotionally cheating on you already.
Having kids is hard on relationships but the fact that she’s already emotionally cheating is where all of this will fall apart. She can’t be trusted and has a foot out the door instead of trying to compromise with you. We can’t do everything and she’s putting all blame on you. See a counsellor but also a lawyer so you know all your rights to your son.
OP first off- NO ONE IS EVER A LOST CAUSE!!! So please do not entertain those thoughts. That’s a lie coming from your pain. I get it. We all have been there at some point in our lives. It’s not reality though so please do not give this thought a chance to bloom into something far more destructive. OK now secondly I’m going to tell you about a conversation I had with my own husband when we became parents years ago. As a child I used to go to my friends homes and I noticed a theme at pretty much everyone’s home. Where the heck was the dad? They all had one and none of them were divorced. Few of them were working during the weekends so where were they? Answer – no one knew and few of my friends seemed to care. They were so used to no having their dads around that they really didn’t see this as unusual or concerning. I did though. I had an abusive dad. I’m not gonna lie. He was an alcoholic much like you are OP but on the rare occasions that he was sober, my friends would see us outside hanging out with our dad. We would roller skate or ride our bikes with him. He was the only dad they actually did see in the neighborhood which was weird. None of my friends ever did anything with their fathers accept maybe go with him to the mall and even then he would just drop them off and hand them money. (this was the 80’s don’t laugh) So when I had our first child I wanted my husband to understand how important it was to me that he be fully engaged with our children. He needed to be more than just a person that existed somewhere in the house that nobody talked to except through a closed door. He needed to be present playing with the kids, disciplining them when needed and yes even when we had dinner or other just every day events he needed to be there. And he was. OP you don’t need a lot of money to show your family that you love them. You just need to be present. It doesn’t cost much to sit on the couch and hold your child and hug your wife as you have a conversation. That’s all you really need to show how much they mean to you and really that’s all you need to do so show your family how much they matter to you. Talking and listening – that’s the key. It’s not magic and it’s not scary, I promise. I wish you all the best whatever happens in the future. I know that takin the first steps in your sobriety will be the best ones you’ve ever done for yourself regardless so please know that there are people on the internet rooting for you. I know that you can do it. Congrats on your first of many – many more sober days to come.
lol ur son is the “light of your world” and u “cant imagine being away from him” but u abandon them daily….. riiiiight