\*reposted to correct formatting issues\*
TL;DR: My husband wanted a divorce to move in with a guy we just met via a threesome/hookup, but changed his mind a couple of hours later. We’ve been together for six years, and I’m trying to gain some insight on whether this relationship is worth salvaging through couples therapy.
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My husband (lets call him, Steve) and I are transgender men. We both came out when we were pre-teens and have been living as our authentic selves for just over a decade. We both are sexually attracted to cisgender male genitalia. Because we are both assigned female at birth, we can’t offer that to each other so we’ve always been very open sexually. We’ve had lots of three-ways, gone to sex parties, etc. It’s never been a problem.
Three days ago, we hooked up with a guy, who we’ll call Daniel. It was the BEST sex we’ve ever had, hands down. His stamina was high, was able to finish multiple times, etc. The day after this hookup, Steve was talking to Daniel excessively. Always face timing, texting to the point of spacing out on our conversations, going on long walks, etc. I didn’t think anything of it, and just assumed he was still on cloud 9 from the amazing sex we had, considering, I was too. The day after that, Steve was doing laundry and spend 3 hours in the laundry room in our apartment complex. I checked in multiple times asking if he was okay, and he told me that his aunt was dying (she has cancer and lives in another state) and needed some alone time to facetime and say goodbye. I respected this, and continued to offer my support in case he needed anything. He eventually came back into our apartment and shut down. He was glued to his phone, barely said a word to me, and laid down in bed. I offered to make him a cup of tea, listen to him vent, or even just sit with him. He snapped and told me to leave him alone, which I respected.
A couple of hours later, he was still in the same state, sitting in bed on his phone. I checked in again, he sighed, told me he was okay, and I dropped it. This went on for another 4 hours until he texted me and asked if we could talk. I came back to the bedroom and sat down. He started to talk about how he relies on me too much, wants to start over, live independently, start a new life, and that he doesn’t want to be married to me anymore. I was heartbroken, and asked him to elaborate more on the thought process. He kept telling me that it was nothing I did, and that he wants to start fresh, move to a different state, etc. Then, he told me he’s caught feelings for Daniel and wants to start a life with him. He told me he switched his direct deposit out of our joint bank account, removed himself from the utilities, bumped me off our phone plan, and was going to be moving out the next day. He also admitted that his aunt wasn’t dying, and that he was securing an apartment with Daniel/working out the details and separating himself from me. At this point, I’m just crushed. When we got married, I meant every single word of my wedding vow. I needed space, packed an overnight bag, and went to my dad’s house for some support.
Two hours later, he texted me, saying that he made a huge mistake, deleted Daniels number, and wants to work things out. I made clear how betrayed and hurt I felt, and agreed to at least go to couples counseling to get a second opinion. I just can’t help but to think, if he’s willing to throw away a 6yr long relationship for someone we just met now, what’s stopping him from doing it again down the road? If he really wanted to be independent, why move in with someone else? If he lied about his aunt dying, what else has he been lying about? I haven’t made up my mind yet. 60% of me wants to leave, and save myself from future heartbreak, but there’s still that 40% of me that loves and cares about him deeply and doesn’t want to let that go. My dad thinks I should just leave, but it’s not that simple to me.
Do you think we could recover from this? Are there any red flags I should look out for in couples therapy?
We’ve had a lot of long conversations since, and I do think he’s willing to work things out, but I’m still torn.
27 comments
I don’t think this could be recovered.
Had this been in the state where he was only considering Daniel, you could’ve talked perhaps. But he first bumped you off phone plans, cut the finances and planned to move out, leaving you with all of the problems of figuring out how to properly end contracts and leases. He was fully prepared to abandon you without any thought and no regard for your credit or your own stability. Six years, and no decency to have a discussion til it was too late and obvious he was throwing you away and his big plan with Daniel was a fart, with no other option than coming clean. Had he gotten away with a lie about why you couldn’t call or have messed up finances, he would have. It’s more practical to move on from this mess and just separate instead of undoing his choices.
There is “I just had amazing sex and want that all the time.” And then there is the planning to leave you that Steve did. He was looking into getting an apartment. He was actively trying to leave you for someone you two just met. How could you ever be secure in the relationship? Now you know that Steve has a foot out the door and may leave you for literally any stranger you meet. Your 6 years together doesn’t mean he won’t leave you for someone new.
Im so sorry but I agree with your dad
*I did read every comment on my previous post before it was removed due to the formatting issues, and I agree. I just wanted more confirmation that I’m not losing my mind here. I want to leave, but it’s fucking hard.
Additionally, since it was mentioned, I did ask to see the text messages, and he told me he deleted them. I don’t think that’s a coincidence.
I would bet a decent amount of money that the only reason he’s coming back to you is because he found out Daniel doesn’t want him. At this point, you will always be his consolation prize, and I don’t think I could live like that. Only you can decide if you can.
Yeah this marriage is over.
Your husband isn’t going to un-realize how important that kind of sexual experience is to him, and you’re not going to un-realize how quickly he can detach himself from your relationship when someone else catches his attention. You both just learned something significant about him, and unfortunately it’s a death knell for you marriage.
I’m really sorry. That sucks so much. Especially when he’s still in panic mode and trying to placate you and saying all the right things and swearing it’ll never happen again. I don’t doubt that that’s really confusing and you’re tempted to believe him and try to work things out. But even if he’s telling the absolute truth and he’s prepared to forsake all others for the rest of your lives together, you are *never* going to stop wondering. Never stop looking over your shoulder, never stop reading into his interactions with other men, never stop reliving the moment he told you he’d started *looking for apartments with a man he’d had sex with three days ago*.
There is no happy ending with this man. The best you can hope for is a lifetime of just kinda tolerating each other because you’re both too scared to let go of what’s familiar. I hope you want better for yourself.
No, I don’t think this is recoverable. There is “I had an intense romantic/sexual experience that shook me up and I’m rethinking some things, I am going to go to therapy and figure out what’s really going on here before I blow up our life together” and there is “in the course of three days I made a bunch of unilateral decisions without any regard for you”, and this is the latter.
Sometimes this is “psychotic break” stuff – if you have any reason to think this is actually a severe mental illness issue, then okay, get him into intensive treatment and then come back to the relationship.
But otherwise, this is just intensely selfish asshole behavior and does not deserve a second chance.
He swapped his direct deposit, removed you from the phone plan, etc, all BEFORE talking to you. He lied directly to your face about a family member dying so he could keep going behind your back to separate.
That’s a *huge* betrayal and yes, points to him being able to do the same thing in the future.
I think couples counseling is a very good idea here. You both need to air exactly how you were feeling at that point and at this point, and a neutral third party will help you do that. Counseling isn’t always about trying to save a marriage – often it’s about deciding whether a marriage *can* be saved, and breaking things off as amicably as possible if not.
This is insane. Fuck that guy. Dump his ass.
He threw you away as if you meant nothing to him and literally started taking steps to seperate. He dropped you in a second and he will do it again. The couples therapy will just postpone the inevitable. He showed you he is rezdy to abandon you at any given moment. It is soul-crushing living witv this anxiety.
Your dad is right.
If he was able to leave you that quickly—3 fucking DAYS??— that means he’s really not invested in your relationship to begin with. Your husband is sitting there *praying* for a reason to leave you, he just also doesn’t want to be alone. I mean I’ve dealt with some pretty shitty people in my life, and none have moved so quickly that 3 days after meeting someone are changing their direct deposits and looking at apartments.
Oh OP, I am so so sorry this has happened to you. I agree with your father. This is not a situation that can be walked back with an apology. The depth of his betrayal of your shared vows over the course of mere days and the magnitude of his duplicity in untethering your lives together so abruptly to do so.
I don’t think couples therapy can salvage this. Maybe something is happening with him psychologically that he needs to deal with but that cannot be a part of your own healing journey. I don’t honestly think sitting in a room with a third party listening to your spouse excuse away their own behavior is conducive to your own mental health. The pathology it takes to do all the collective actions he has done while freezing you out with lies. (The aunt not dying of cancer?)
The breakup of this marriage, the grief you are maybe beginning to feel is so godawful OP. I get wanting to put it off. I get wanting to make it work. Six years. Six years of living with him and loving him. I get it. Letting go is the first worst part of this. But here’s the problem: how much of yourself do you want to invest in dragging every last millimeter of your faith in him (what little you have left at the moment) through the narcissistic handwringing he inevitably will do when given a chance?
He came back because Daniel fell through. You deserve better.
This reads to me like a man that has been looking for an “out” for a while. He thought he found his out from the relationship, but it sounds like it fell through and he realized he jumped the gun. Is it possible for him to live on his own financially or does he need you to do so? Daniel could have been a solution to a roommate problem, but it didn’t work out, so he’s back peddling so he can still rely on your half for the bills, if that makes sense. In the end, I think he’s been wanting to leave for a much longer time. These aren’t decisions you make over the course of three days.
I agree with many of the other posters, it really sounds like your husband got super swept up in the amazing sex and went of the deep end. Maybe even an endorphin drop similar to sub drop. It’s likely that Daniel had no idea that Steve had started the process of separating from you without even talking to you first. It’s pretty crazy to think that after one hookup Daniel would be apartment hunting with your husband. Not entirely out of the realm of possibility but just seems unlikely. I do think that counselling is a good option but I would be going into it as a method of figuring out what happened and finding the best, healthiest method of separation. Because there’s something big behind all the lying and then deleting Daniels number along with all the text messages, so your husband likely is still hiding a lot from you.
>He told me he switched his direct deposit out of our joint bank account, removed himself from the utilities, bumped me off our phone plan, and was going to be moving out the next day. He also admitted that his aunt wasn’t dying
OP, he was way down the road in making specific plans to leave you. He was perfectly happy to ditch a 6 year relationship, and for all you know the only reason he didn’t is Daniel backed out. Your SO lied to you extensively while he made plans to ditch you. You have ample evidence that he is untrustworthy/dishonest. Without trust in a relationship, what do you have? There is no solid foundation underpinning your relationship.
There is no coming back from this.
Sincerely…
Your husband dropped you like hot shit for penis. Just stop for a second. Your husband may be in the middle of a gender identity crisis. Talk to him about it. How would you feel if he wanted to transition to female? Not trying to troll but your comment about best sex ever, stamina, his complete abandonment of you for a one night stand.
Something more is going on here. Hubby might be asking himself some big question.
As for relationship… can you live with it. I mean being tossed so utterly and completely over penis?
What a stupid world we are in God help us all
Does he have any history of mania or other kind of impulsive, not-in-tune-with-reality behavior? It’s totally ok if this is a dealbreaker for you… it’s absolutely an enormous breach of trust. If this truly came out of nowhere and he’s never acted like this before I’d want some mental health assessments to be part of the picture.
> 60% of me wants to leave, and save myself from future heartbreak, but there’s still that 40% of me that loves and cares about him deeply and doesn’t want to let that go.
Loving someone doesn’t mean that staying with them is the right choice for you.
Steve has the opportunity to loop you, as his husband, into this. “I feel like the amazing sex has confused my feelings,” or even “I want to spend some time alone whilst I figure my feelings out.” But *two days* after the hookup, Steve had already updated his banking arrangements, changed the utilities and the phone plan. That takes EFFORT. That sends a very clear message of “this is over and I’m not coming back.”
And yet, two hours later, Steve is already trying to come back? In the space of a Marvel movie, Steve went from “I am certain my life with my husband is over, I see no future between us” to “whoopsiedaisy, changed my mind.”
How can you put your faith and your heart into someone who is THAT changeable, who is THAT willing to play with your heart like that?
It’s not even about the cheating, it’s about how comfortable Steve is with playing with your emotions. “My aunt is dying, leave me alone. Actually, I want to be independent because I love you too much. Actually, it’s not that, it’s that I’m leaving you for someone else, good luck figuring out life on your own. Actually, I’ve changed my mind, I really do want to be with you after all.”
You and Steve need to take a break – not a “we’re single and free to sleep with other people” break, a “we’re exclusively committed to eachother but not seeing eachother for three months” break. Don’t go rushing into couples counseling just yet. Take some time to practice some self-care and put your needs first. If Steve is serious about making his marriage with you work, then three months out of a lifetime is nothing.
Both of you need some time and space to figure out what you actually want. If after three months you’re both still invested in staying married and pursuing a future together, then go to couples counseling. But there’s also a chance that after 3 months, one or even both of you might decide that this marriage is no longer what you want.
Absolutely not. I’d be leaving him and never looking back. He likely is only wanting to stay because he couldn’t secure that place for him and Daniel.
This person not only sneakishly removed you from phone plans, but changed direct deposit details to leave you high and dry. He also planned to stick you with the bills. What the fuck?! All over some guy that’s good at sex?
Your marriage vows did not mean the same thing to your partner as they did to you. You can’t trust Steve and he showed you that. He was even sneaking around behind your back with Daniel. That’s not okay!
I would not be willing to entertain this or couples counseling. He crossed a line of no return and you deserve way better.
Steve probably realized he’d “made a huge mistake” after his plans with Daniel fell through
I agree with your dad. I know it’s tough to leave a relationship with history, but Steve showed his true colors in lying about his aunt, removing you from the phone plan when you weren’t the one who decided to betray and leave a loved one because of some good sex, and coming crawling back to resolve his own guilt and take what you provide for him. You deserve much better. If all it took for Steve to lie and betray you was some good d¡ck, then Steve didn’t care about you as much as you deserved to begin with.
I’m so sorry about this situation, it truly sucks, and I think it was open-minded and forgiving of you to be open to therapy. But I think in this situation, you have to protect your peace and long-term stability. There are better guys out there.
It was simple for him to leave for a guy he just met. I’m sure Daniel changed his mind about Steve and that’s why Steve is crawling back with his tail between his legs. Leave OP
This relationship is over. I’m sorry.
Not only is this person too impulsive to be trusted, but you can no longer live with this person safely.
1. Lied. About his aunt being dead, and about what he was doing. He wanted you maximumly blindsided.
2. Broke boundaries, which are especially important in a relationship where other parties are involved. Cheating is cheating, poly open or otherwise. It’s almost worse in this case because there was literally no reason for this. He could have had his cake and eat it too.
3. Literally already left you. Already did the emotional work of not caring what happened to you.
4. Canceled your phone plan.
5. Immediately cut off his paycheck to where you’d be suddenly responsible for all bills.
6. Made you completely responsible for the utilities while doing so.
7. Already was apartment hunting.
8. Couples therapy cannot fix this. Whether you stay together or not, he needs time on his own and he needs to actively seek personal mental health care. You need to not be a crutch, either, and focus on yourself. I really think you should go talk to someone to process this before you give into the inevitable love-bombing.
You seriously CANNOT be with this person anymore. It’s not just the impulsiveness. This person can never be trusted with your heart or your safety ever again. You would have to truly not care about your security, happiness, or your life’s stability in order to stay with him.
There’s no amount of couples therapy that can fix this. Mostly because how unequivocally **his fault** it is. He will go, and he will say whatever he thinks you need to hear to the therapist in order for you to take him back and let things return to how they were.
I actually agree with him that he needs to go live on his own, because he has completely lost the plot when it comes to how to treat others. What he did wasn’t just ‘wrong’. He could have had a mature conversation about it and said that sleeping with the dude made him realized you need to split, and he could have helped to make a slow transition so that you were not just suddenly left on your own. But he didn’t.
This isn’t someone who made a mistake. What he did to you was **pure cruelty.** And **he did not care what happened to you or your life at all.**
It’s time to leave. You’re worth more than that. There is no recovering from this, and I highly suggest you make the process of separation happen as soon as possible, and then block his number. The only way to start healing from this is to stop communication.
This is top tier sunk-cost fallacy stuff. I’m sure they’re great to hang out with, but as a partner to rely on? Nope. That’s done with. If he’d leave you for someone he just hooked up with, then what do you think is going to happen when he engages more long-term with co-workers, friends, online friends, and more? He was waiting for an excuse.
Be good to yourself. It will hurt, and you will miss them. And that’s okay. **If you seriously cannot leave him** (AND AGAIN I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS. Your mental health will *suffer*), then you two need to at the very least take a break and get some space from one another. And not just for a day or two. For months. Maybe longer. And he needs to seek independent therapy immediately to work on himself, not your relationship. You did nothing wrong and this is not about you. You need to be separated and you do not need to hear the non-stop love bombing from him right now. Leave to another location. Immediately.
**Edited to add:** I do not like that you said that he was “willing to work things out” at the end. That makes me worry for you. Hun? You’re the one that was wronged. That isn’t up to him. NONE of your decisions going forward need to be around what **he** wants.
I think you really should consider just going to your parent’s house or a friend’s house and not seeing him for awhile so that you can think clearly. You have a lot of internet strangers very worried about you.
He didn’t leave u coz something with Daniel or the other guy didn’t work out. So do u want to be with a person who booted u out in 3 days??? Nope go ahead n tell him to suck on mangoes!!!
The way he almost uprooted your entire life and left a relationship for a fling should tell you this guy is not reliable, and the relationship is not secured
Does Steve have any mental health issues or does he have any family members who have them? Just wondering because suddenly making a drastic and unreasonable life change like this, without any thought of the consequences for everyone involved, is a symptom of mania.
Daniel didn’t want him. That’s the only reason he csme back.