_Please_ bear with me. It takes courage to be vulnerable.
I hate saying I have any kind of trauma. I don’t feel like I have a claim to the word. But, I need some word for what I’m _feeeeling_, so I’m gonna use it.
I once had two particularly embarassing public rejections and I’ve since gotten this anxiety loop into my head that if I am attracted to someone and I show it, then I will be humiliated again.
I’ve held on to this fear for 5 years now. I’m __ashamed__ to admit this, but it has made me __bitter__ and __absolutely hateful__ of women I’m attracted to. I really am ashamed, okay? I know it’s wrong to hate a group of people. It hurts me the most, because when I have the opportunity for love, I feel hatred instead. I see a pretty woman, and I automatically put on this purse-lipped frown and a dagger stare because I don’t want them to hurt me. I wish that someone would see through my facade, but women don’t typically approach men who look kind, let alone someone who looks like he’s a twig snap from punching a hole in the wall.
It’s idiotic, I do understand that. When it’s Friday night, I tell myself that I’m gonna let go of the fear, go out, and have some banter with the local hotties. But once I’m actually out there, in a crowd full of pretty women and regular people, that same wicked scowl ends up back on my face, and the fear of being punished for expressing attraction returns.
I’ve been on my weight loss journey for a year now, slow and steady. Part of my motivation is that I believe it will make this fear go away. But I understand that the fear will likely still remain, and I’ll either end up with jacked-dude dysmorphia or another scapegoat (likely).
All the while, the sand in my hour glass is draining away.
I don’t want therapy. I don’t believe in sitting around and talking to someone for 100 bucks an hour. That won’t __actually solve__ anything. What I want is to reach into this festering wound in my soul and pull out the thorn myself. But I don’t know how.
3 comments
What were the “particularly embarassing public rejections”
> But I don’t know how
Well this is why therapy is beneficial for many people. You need some sort of unbiased 3rd party to look at what you’re doing and be able to reason about it, outside of your own thought processes. A good friend can also help, but living in someone else’s head is pretty tiring & most people don’t have the mental space to consistently be asked about it.
> I once had two particularly embarrassing public rejections
Without knowing how you’re approaching people, it’s really impossible to say whether your approach is bad/off-putting, or if you just got unlucky.
Most people are just living their lives and aren’t gonna make a public show out of rejecting someone unless you’ve cornered them into doing that (eg: asking someone out while they’re working). Either you unluckily encountered the minority of major assholes there, or your approach is bad, or you’re (knowingly or unknowingly) seeking out a specific type of person who’s prone to this
Okay now hear me out
🌟exposure therapy🌟
Go out there and get your sorry ass rejected as many times as needed. You will come to find that rejections come in all shapes and sizes.
Also you will come to learn that rejection is a somewhat complicated occurance. The fact that you got rejected says something about you and how you didn’t live up to the ridiuclously high standards women have for men’s looks. However, the way in which you got rejected says more about the character of the person rejecting you. If a woman wants to publicly shame you for showing your admiration to her it only shows she is a cold bitch and unlikely not even fit for a relationship.
Tldr: go out there get yourself rejected, it becomes less painful with repeated exposure.