My husband (32) and I️ (29) have been together almost 9 years and married for 4. He has one child from a previous relationship, but we don’t have any of our own. I’m still unsure if I️ want any kids of my own (I’m always back and forth) and my husband supports that 100%, even though I️ know he really wants more. As much as I’m still on the fence about it, these days he’s been making my decision to not have any more seemingly easier.
He never takes my side when it comes to our child’s bad behavior. Literally always has an excuse for everything he does whether it’s something small like forgetting a chore or something big like a bad grade on his report card, he’s always right there with at 3 excuses and a get-out-of-jail-free card waiting. It’s always “Next time this happens… Next time you do this…” but when next time comes he just repeats the same thing, with zero consequences attached.
I️ caught my son sneaking extra junk food and snacks in his room, and I️ only figured it out because he left the wrappers in his trash can. I️ had just cleaned his room the previous morning so I️ know the wrappers weren’t in the trash the day before (and we also don’t allow him to have food in his room.) I brought this to my husband’s attention and he literally said “Are you sure you emptied his trash yesterday? It’s not really like him.” completely dismissing the issue and gaslighting me. With our son’s behavior lately, YES it actually is absolutely is like him to do this. He’s been lying really bad, getting in trouble at school, forgetful, lazy, and his attitude has been terrible. Most days I️ chalk it up to puberty, but it’s getting out of control.
I️ do absolutely everything around the house and I️ don’t ask for much in return. I’m not working right now so of course I️ take the brunt of the house chores, but my son is at the age (12 next year) where he should be learning how to cleanup after himself and make smarter decisions. He’s also not a very forward thinking child nor does he have a drop of common sense and I️ truly blame that on his addiction to screen time. I’ve tried to discuss this and make changes/restrictions but that’s also a losing battle, since my husband is also addicted to screen time.
I feel like the older my son gets the more he is babied, daddy holds his hand for everything and is always coming to his rescue. It’s causes me and my husband to have some pretty bad fights lately and this has honestly been an issue since we first started dating. I️ was hoping at this point it would have improved but it just seems to be getting worse actually.
I’m the main disciplinary, but my husband never backs me up!! There’s never any “I️ agree with you.” or “I️ support you.” without a lecture attached to it about why he thinks our son did or didn’t do something and it’s just straight up ANNOYING. It’s honestly an umbrella statement for most of our arguments. He’s that guy that has to see everything from both sides and every perspective and it comes off dismissive. There’s also no talking about this or discussing it because it turns quickly into him on defense mode and ends up with me feeling stupid, lonely, unheard, unappreciated, and crying. He makes me second guess myself and like I’m not doing a good job at being a mom. I️ love my family to pieces!! I️ would do anything for them, they are my whole world!! But I’m not about to have more kids just to have more workload and less support.
Any advice?
4 comments
What the kids and father relationship like with his mom/ex, because your husband sounds like he parenting from guilt and so allow the kid to do whatever he wants and so the kids is struggling and blames you if his relationship isn’t good with the bio parents
need to talk to him about the consequences that will come from not letting your son take responsibility
I completely understand your frustration in that my story is similar. I have three step-children and no kids of my own (not because I didn’t want them, but believe that it just wasn’t in God’s plans for us). My youngest stepson came to live with us when he was 12, and had been in my life since the age of 6 (he is now 34). Although my husband’s parenting style wasn’t like your husband’s, it still was very different from mine. He had a ton of guilt from his divorce, and would wobble between being a friend and a disciplinarian, which was incredibly confusing to our son. I come from an education background, and had strong beliefs about consistency, consequences, and the importance of modeling behavior. I hate to admit this, but I had no problem telling my husband that his way was wrong and that my way was right. We argued as well, and combined with the ups and downs of puberty, our son acted out at school and at home. The good news is that there is a happy ending to our story, and with work, there can be a happy ending to yours as well! For us, it started to change when I realized that instead of getting frustrated and annoyed with my husband, I had to invite him onto my team. I also realized that we had both been parenting reactively, and not proactively. We began by agreeing to spend a certain amount of time together each week, without our son, without any interruptions, just to talk about things that were happening in our family, and things we were expecting to happen (i.e., our son’s grades, his behavior, friends, etc.). We would usually take a walk together, or sometimes, just a drive where we would park and talk. When our focus became how we could support each other, rather than prove the other one wrong, we slowly became a united front. This wasn’t easy all of the time, and there were still things we didn’t agree on. However, we tried very hard to find one little piece of common ground we could start from, and worked from there. Our son still had his “moments,” but just knowing that my husband and I were on the same page, helped all of us tremendously. As a teacher, I had been introduced to the Love and Logic parenting program, which I highly recommend. If you go to their website and click on the parent tab, you will see classes. Click on that, and then click on your state. You will get a list of parenting classes in your area. It is a really fun program (I know lots of people who would use the classes as a date night 😊), and it teaches easy, effective strategies to help kids become independent, respectful, self-confident adults. Learning strategies together helped put my husband and I on the same playing field, and in the end, strengthened our relationship with each other, as well as with our son. I truly wish you and your family the best – I know this is hard, but I am living proof that there is hope for your situation. Take care!
I had this same experience. My stepsons are now in their 30’s and we did have more children. I was also the main disciplinarian. I would say, and he now agrees that he was definitely parenting out of guilt or fear. His exwife was also a horrible mom an he now can see that he wanted to be the “fun dad” and did not do them any favors in his parenting style. He always thought that I was too hard on them because they weren’t mine. But then as ours got older he was able to see that that I treated them all the same. I would highly recommend family counseling before its too late. He did eventually start to back up my parenting style, but we never really did get on the same page until counseling. The best thing that we learned there was to make up a contract with the parents together on one side and the child on the other side of the contract. We chose 3 things that we saw needed improvement and then sat down with the child and worked out, all together a consequence for when that rule was broken a first second or third time and each party signed it. This really cut down on the arguing between dad and I, and eventually the child and us. There was no discussion needed. You broke the rule? Go get the contract and see what it says. The bottom line is you and your husband NEED to be a united front and family counseling instead of marriage counseling can make it easier for him to accept help. I am here to say you can get through this. Best wishes!