I (25f) &my bf (30m) of 1 year have a great relationship imo. We have our ups and downs of normal relationship troubles, solely miscommunication (on both ends). Aside from that, it’s a very caring partnership. But there’s been a handful of times where an issue has repeated, and my bf says he will leave me if I don’t convince him I’ve changed. He says I’m disrespectful when upset. For example, saying things like “get your shit together” or “act like an adult” from me when I’m completely enraged, will hurt him so badly he’ll take space from me for a week. I never mean to hurt him, I always apologize afterward and work hard to resolve things, I’m always searching for self-help guides/books/podcasts/videos on ways to better myself, but no matter how well I’m keeping my cool in an argument, if I happen to get overly frustrated I can’t prevent myself from taking on a harsh tone and being sassy.
My anger always stems from feeling misunderstood. It builds up like a painful fire in my chest and I can’t hold onto it, nor do I know where to direct it. If I try and take space, my bf accuses me of stonewalling him. I feel like I just can’t win no matter what I do and how hard I try to improve. I can’t afford to spend hundreds on therapy, my bf told me he would help me pay for sessions back when I was in a bad depression (I have since gotten out), but has since gone back on that offer. I’m doing everything I can think of to improve, (besides going broke paying for therapy) but my bf doesn’t believe me. He says it’s my responsibility to better myself, and he has no advice for me besides getting a therapist. I feel completely overwhelmed and alone in this. He said it’s my last chance, and I’m starting to feel numb inside again. Maybe I should let him go and he can find someone that always speaks kindly to him no matter how upset they get. I can feel my self-hatred depression returning and it’s depleting any and all motivation I have. I feel demonized and I don’t know what to do.
For clarification, In my past relationships I’ve never been accused of disrespect. We’ve had a mutual understanding that people aren’t perfect, they say harsh things when dealing with strong emotions. My only parent was verbally and physically abusive towards me, and I would never follow in her footsteps. I admit my faults, demonstrate my apologies, I don’t name-call, manipulate, get physical, or intend any kind of malice. This is my bf’s first serious relationship. He is a child of divorce. He says I’m a great partner whos supportive and caring, but when I disrespect him he says he loses majority of trust for me. He’s told me he enforces boundaries, but I have failed them. He said he fears one day I’ll resort to throwing plates at him or cussing him out. I would never even conceptualize the idea and it hurts he thinks of me this way. I’ve asked him if he thinks we have a normal relationship, he said yes, and it’s similar to his friends relationships (who are married) I told him It seems like I’m being punished for not being perfect, however he said his expectations aren’t unrealistic, and he’s contemplating giving up on me.
TL;DR: My bf & I have a good relationship except my bf says I’m disrespectful when angry. I’ve tried everything I can think of to resolve things but my bf isn’t convinced and idk what to do.
24 comments
> For clarification, In my past relationships I’ve never been accused of disrespect
That’s because you aren’t being disrespectful.
Your BF *wants* you to feel like you’ve done something wrong, so he’s invented a bullshit reason to make you feel bad. Tone policing is pure manipulation 99.99999% of the time.
Distancing for a week is punishing you for daring to disagree with him.
Threatening to break up is manipulation.
Nothing is being miscommunicated here. Your BF will continue to tell you that *any* way you express anger is wrong, because the ultimate goal is to tear you down so much that you don’t dare express any negative emotion and you just swallow anything he does to you without complaint.
Edit: OK after reading it a second time, I think there are faults on both sides. For you, I don’t think it’s normal to regularly say harsh things to their partner when dealing with emotions. For him, his responses are not so great with the stonewalling for a week, being quick to accuse instead of being vulnerable, and I wonder how you got to the point of being that frustrated in the first place, if it’s the way he discusses things. Its hard to say how to resolve without seeing word for word how you both talk to each other.
Original:
> “get your shit together” or “act like an adult”
> I don’t name-call, manipulate
These things are considered name calling and manipulative, and I don’t think it matters if you didn’t mean it or apologize if it keeps happening.
I see a lot in this post where you diminish your boyfriend’s concerns (his first serious relationship, child of divorce, his expectations are unrealistic).
I’ve had many years of relationship experience, is well read on what takes a healthy relationship, and absolutely his expectations are realistic.
If my husband ever said those things to me, that is a show stopper and we will discuss it. He has not thankfully, because healthy relationships don’t have those phrases.
If you can’t afford therapy, look for sliding scale. Also do your own self reading. I recommend ACT.
I think the most important thing for you to do right now is to recognize that he is right. It doesn’t mean you are being demonized or that you are a bad person, but you have some things to work on.
I think there needs to be some context really for these comments.
Because the two comments you made – get your shit together, act like an adult COULD potentially be disrespectful if you’re using them to attack someone because you’re angry they’re not agreeing with you. On the other hand, they can be perfectly reasonable things to say in a context where someone really needs to get their shit together or is acting childish in a situation you’d expect otherwise. Can you share more about why you used those phases to him? Were you shouting? Stomping around, slamming doors, anything like that?
Him saying he’s scared you’re going to escalate to physical violence because you tell him to get his shit together is worrying and it sounds like he needs therapy for those fears because it doesn’t seem grounded in any logic unless you’re missing something out about your level of anger; someone saying someone needs to act like an adult is a far cry from physical violence.
Having someone speak to you in the kindest nicest tone of voice 100% of the time is not a realistic expectation for anyone. Everyone gets a little heated; everyone says something that other people don’t agree with, and everyone should feel they can be honest with their partner.
I agree with the other people – if he’s withdrawing for a week after being told “get your shit together” he’s likely being manipulative and/or simply not willing to engage and vulnerable. (Which tbh is probably his parents fault.) Offering to pay and then backing out, or holding therapy up as a goalpost when he’s been told you can’t afford it is pretty unfair. You also don’t mention efforts on his part to fix what you’re calling him out on.
However it seems like y’all aren’t working out. I’d break up and find someone else, who can better handle you being sassy. Just make sure to not lean into being sassy, and try to redirect your energy toward resolving problems.
Out of curiosity, does your boyfriend always keep your feelings and pride in mind when he argues with you? Or is disapproval and judgement a bad thing when he’s on the receiving end but a fine thing when you are on the receiving end?
If he’s using the threat of leaving you in his arguments, maybe you guys just aren’t meant to be as a couple.
>He says I’m disrespectful when upset. For example, saying things like “get your shit together” or “act like an adult” from me when I’m completely enraged, will hurt him so badly **he’ll take space from me for a week.**
>
>If I try and take space, my bf accuses me of stonewalling him.
Lol, what!?!?!?!? So, it’s ok for him to “take space” from you for a week, but if you try to collect yourself, you’re stonewalling?
>my bf says he will leave me if I don’t convince him I’ve changed
Has he specified what that looks like, or is he trying to control you by threatening to leave you? I lean toward the latter
>I feel like I just can’t win no matter what I do and how hard I try to improve
Yeah, maybe I’m reading it wrong, but I kinda feel the same way, since there appears to be a double standard.
>He says it’s my responsibility to better myself, and he has no advice for me besides getting a therapist. I feel completely overwhelmed and alone in this.
A loving, caring partner would do anything they can to support you, even if not financial. Working with you to help you is the right, normal things here. Not telling you it’s a you problem.
> I feel completely overwhelmed and alone in this. He said it’s my last chance, and I’m starting to feel numb inside again. …. I can feel my self-hatred depression returning and it’s depleting any and all motivation I have. I feel demonized and I don’t know what to do.
Yeah…. why do you want to be with someone who makes you feel this way?
>He’s told me he enforces boundaries, but I have failed them. He said he fears one day I’ll resort to throwing plates at him or cussing him out.
How exactly is he “enforcing boundaries” and holy shit what a leap to make. You tell him to grow up and that’s going to end in you throwing plates? WTF. I think he may need therapy
>I told him It seems like I’m being punished for not being perfect,
You are. What is he doing to improve himself? Is he trying to actually LISTEN to you, and make improvements in himself? Sure doesn’t sound like he is
> however he said his expectations aren’t unrealistic
Uh…..some are. I agree that you shouldn’t say shitty things, in the heat of the moment, but if this is your biggest “bad trait” he’s in for a BIG surprise when he starts dating
>he’s contemplating giving up on me.
Bye, Felicia.
Not going to tell you you should move on, but girl, he makes you feel like shit, goes back on promises, doesn’t sound very supportive, or if he honestly really likes you. What does he really bring to the table that makes you want to feel unheard, unloved, unsupported, and like you’re being punished?
It’s really going to depend on what happens in the lead up to you saying get your shit together.
God I hate the word “disrespect.” It’s so overused and abused. And it’s usually something someone who hasn’t earned RESPECT claims. “YoU dIsREspEcTeD mE” Gag.
Maybe you say harsh things because you can’t control your emotions, but don’t pretend that’s universal. Intentions mean absolutely fuck-all, it’s your actions that count.
What happened leading up to the “get your shit together” and “act like an adult” conversations?
Don’t have a lot to go on here, but it kinda sounds like you’re being gaslit and he’s pushing your buttons on purpose in order to get you to react in a negative way, and then turn it around back on you.
“I (25f) &my bf (30m) of 1 year have a great relationship imo. We have our ups and downs of normal relationship troubles, solely miscommunication (on both ends)”
You literally contradicted yourself in your first sentence. You can’t have a “great relationship” then follow it with “ups and downs” and “troubles”, lol. Also this:
“get your shit together” or “act like an adult”
Ummm… yeah just talking to your partner like that is proof you DON’T have a GREAT relationship. Loving couples do not talk to each other like that regardless of how mad they are.
Your b/f sounds like he’s also still very emotionally immature for a relationship if every little pain is him going silent for a week. Honestly just end this, I can’t imagine being in a relationship with either of you.
Oh my gosh. I feel so much for you on this. Thank you for sharing. I have studied emotional pain for 30 years, wrote my own theory on healing just for context. Both of you have some emotional work to do, each partner is different and we can activate our early pain points in each other, mostly when it is time for our pain to leave our body. Every person has a pain point before we were 10 years old and when we get into relationship it becomes activated. We store this pain in our subconscious often for decades and then it burps and farts its way out often through anger. For him he is also experiencing pain and you just express it in different ways. We also have to be mindful that emotional pain happens to everyone before we were 10 and it carries a system of emotional pain. This system is most notably connected to codependent triangulation where each person adopts a different role in conjunction with emotional pain. You respond as a classic P, he the V and someone would be the M. Perpetrator energy is not a bad thing it is bold, brave and built to be a leader. Victim energy is woe is me and also very sensitive. But also not a good or bad. Martyrs are always saving whether you want it or not. These triangulation is often unconscious. We do not even realize our roles until activation happens. Good news it CAN BE HEALED. You can move out of this toxic triangulation but it requires both parties to do the inner work. We are not allowed to offer anything here but I do have an affordable option for you and even getting educated about all of this would be great for you and him. I don’t want to break the moderation rules but I am happy to get you started if we I can. Either way…sending you so much love. Be gentle. Learn about this codependent toxic triangulation and you can heal this early pain point.
You both sound like you have work to do.
You sound like you’re fiery and he sounds manipulative. Neither are healthy.
Ive broken up a relationship of 2 years with what i used to consider being the love of my life because of that. Im very emotional and he used to tell me to stop crying cause that is childish. He used to say things like “grow up” to me when angry. I never forgave him. It hurted as if i was being torn apart when i broke up, but i dont regret it. Watch that.
So what led up to the “get your shit together” comment? Like what’s the “shit” going on that you don’t think he has together? And what actions is he displaying that you didn’t believe were befitting an adult?
Because I can’t tell from your post if you have some communication skills and emotional regulation things to work on (as well as both of you learning to fight differently) and his reaction is reasonable, or if he’s DARVO-ing to control you and unfairly shut down and “win” fights.
Context is needed here.
I think both you and bf have some work to do. But it sounds like bf thinks he’s perfect and only you need to change.
You need to learn how to not bottle up your anger. Have calm and civil discussions without waiting until you’re enraged. Do not resort to insults or snide comments. (“Act like an adult” could be very insulting. We don’t know the context.)
He needs to learn that people are not automatons and sometimes there may be raised voices and that doesn’t mean dishes will be thrown.
To be honest I give major side eye to anyone who goes on about being “disrespected.” Those people often have an inflated view of themselves.
Maybe this just isn’t a good relationship for either of you. If he’s making you this angry this often, and he’s just smugly telling you about his boundaries his boundaries, then perhaps you two are not a good fit. Do you think you get angrier with him than with last partners?
It really doesn’t sound like you respect him, as he said. If he doesn’t have his shit together and doesn’t act like an adult, then why do you want to share your life with him?
Rather than yelling and judging him this way, what are some other ways you can express your disappointment, frustration and expectations to him? Think back through your fights that led to those comments and figure out where you’re attacking and escalating rather than looking for solutions together. Eg, ‘I’m really frustrated that X isn’t done yet, it feels like I can’t rely on you to follow through. What is preventing you from doing X? What priority does it have for you?’
Read the Gottman books/web pages about resentment and contempt and their alternatives (appreciation and affection).
You say you get angry from feeling misunderstood, so maybe you also need a way to say that and ask him to listen to your side. the Dance of Anger’ is an older but helpful book about how to handle our triggers and someone else’s anger, too.
Learn to control your emotions.
I don’t understand something
He leaves for a week if he’s upset, so why aren’t you allowed any space at all if you’re upset? Why is that?
Reading this, I don’t think you’re the problem here. It sounds like he is going out of his way to make you feel bad, to ruin your self esteem. This is a manipulation tactic.
The best thing you could do would be to walk away and rebuild your self esteem in your own. No amount of effort from you will ever be enough from him.
If you want to try more self-help, I just read the book “Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication” by Oren Jay Sofer. I recommend it, and I think it would be good for both of you to read it together. You can probably get it at a library.
Nonviolent communication (NVC) is a great method for preventing miscommunications and dealing with them when they do happen, which it seems like you want help with. It is about understanding each others’ feelings and needs.
Ok, I’ve been in almost exactly this situation, except I wasn’t as horrible as your boyfriend is to you but I think I can answer this pretty well as to where he’s coming from. He’s trying to make you insecure in your relationship (that didn’t come into my story) by threatening to leave but I honestly think he’s probably more insecure than you.
When I was in this situation, I’d not long come out of a very long (10+ yrs) relationship. She cheated on me multiple times and some other stuff that’s maybe worse but I don’t need to go into. After being single for around a year I met someone else and everything seemed magical, then after a couple of months she did something that was quite disrespectful and crossed a massive boundary.
From that point on and with everything that had happened to me previously, I became overly sensitive to anything that I deemed as disrespect. This is EXACTLY what your boyfriend is doing. Something has happened in his past that has caused him to be oversensitive when he feels disrespected. For example, If my girlfriend and I were talking to another person in a social setting and I felt she had talked over me, I’d call her out on it (privately) which is ridiculous because everybody does that sometimes (me included). Other things too where I was unjustified in thinking she was being disrespectful and she eventually felt like she was treading on eggshells around me, not because she was scared I’d leave her or be horrible to her because that wasn’t the case, I’d generally withdraw emotionally for a very short period instead of directly attacking her, but she could tell something was wrong and was worried about being disrespectful.
It took me a long time to recognise that it was me who was being sensitive, and that she was actually just trying to be herself, and to realise that everything she did came from a good place because she has a genuinely good soul. Once I did realise, it was like a lightbulb moment and I knew I had to talk to her. We had a huge conversation and I explained to her that what she did at the beginning of our relationship (which she acknowledges was hugely disrespectful) had caused me at that time to be unsure about whether our relationship is a priority to her and I had become too sensitive to disrespect. I think what I was looking for was for her to prove to me that it was a priority, and if sensed disrespect even in the tiniest form I felt like it wasn’t. Once I acknowledged that it was me, I told her I no longer held that thing against her and I don’t throw it in her face ever but I wanted her to understand where my issues were rooted. I also told her it’s not just her and it’s my previous relationship which contributes to this too.
She was so happy to hear this. It was a lightbulb for her too. She said she totally understood, she said how sorry she was that what she did made me feel that way and that I am always her no.1. She was delighted that I was able to recognise what I was doing, that I was able to apologise to her and she had absolute faith in us. We both made promises to each other, I promised to be better and she promised to be more understanding of the whole situation too. Our relationship dynamic has improved no end.
Now, onto you guys. Your comments to him could be taken as disrespectful, in fact they are by definition disrespectful but they are also understandable. His comments “(he will leave me if I don’t convince him I’ve changed)” are far more disrespectful and are totally unacceptable in my opinion. You deserve better than that. That statement implies that he thinks he is the prize in this relationship, and is demeaning to you.
Where I think your situation is different to mine is that I don’t think this guy will ever take accountability for himself being oversensitive. He is being way too firm with his boundaries and he’s doing it in a manipulative, unfair way. Just from what you’ve said about him, I don’t see him backing down from that. His expectations of you ARE unrealistic and he will be the cause of your relationship breakdown unless he swallows his pride and figures out a way to be a better boyfriend.
I hope this resonates and is of use. I wish you all the best.
What outside accountability have you taken? Are you working with a therapist to self assess areas you want to change about yourself?
>If I try and take space, my bf accuses me of stonewalling him.
Stepping away from a conflict is a way many many people manage their anger. Your boyfriend is way too old not to let you take space during a conflict. Have you tried talking to him about this aspect outside of a conflict? That when you want space that’s so you can manage your feelings and cool off, so you don’t say something cruel?