I’m seeking advice on a situation in my relationship. I’m a 28-year-old female, and my partner is a 32-year-old male. He’s had issues with anger management in the past, but that’s under control now. I work in the mental health field and deal with anxiety and trauma. I’m a people pleaser, good at communication but tend to be gentle, and I struggle with expressing my emotions due to abandonment fears.
We’ve noticed a pattern in our relationship. When I’m anxious or feeling “off,” he reacts with frustration. I’ve tried to communicate that my emotions are not about him and have taken accountability for my triggers while expressing how I feel, hoping for support.
A recent example is when I felt nervous about meeting his family that day. I expressed my anxiety, and he was acting distant. When I asked him about it, he said nothing was wrong. But within minutes, he stood up and walked out on me, saying he was “frustrated.”
I know he’s still working on himself, and I can be patient, but I fear he might not realize how much this concerns me. His past relationships were very conflict-heavy, while I try to express myself gently. I’m not sure if I should bring it up when nothing has happened recently, but I want to advocate for myself. Any ideas?
4 comments
I think you need to separate from him and get a therapist. You seem to be internalizing his problems. You’re allow to have your own way of expressing yourself and shouldn’t be walking on egg shells so the big scary guy doesn’t explode.
“I’m good a communication BUT tend to be gentle”. “But” nothing, what’s wrong with being gentle?
I wonder if probing into why he feels frustrated in that moment would be helpful.
Like there are so many reasons your expression of anxiety could be making him feel that way. For example:
1. Maybe he feels frustrated because he thinks that you don’t actually want to see his family, and that’s your way of telling him
2. Maybe he feels frustrated because he thinks that you are expecting him to “solve” the problem of your anxiety
3. Maybe he feels frustrated because the situation became he felt out of control of the situation, like your anxiety might cause you to act in a volatile or unpredictable way
4. Maybe he feels frustrated because he doesn’t like to provide emotional support to you
All of these situations are entirely different. They come from different internal places, and the solutions for them are different. Like for #1 and #2, reassuring him that all you’re looking for is a little validation (ex: “Sorry you’re feeling stressed honey, but it will be fine I promise.”) in the moment and aren’t trying to get out of the event or have him solve your problem.
For #3, I’m guessing that’s a function of past trauma since you don’t sound volatile. So that would need to involve a therapist to sort through some of that.
#4 is more of a dealbreaker. If he’s a partner that just refuses to emotionally validate you because it annoys him or he doesn’t want to have to deal with you having feelings, then this probably isn’t the right relationship for you.
At the end of the day, since he has a history of anger that “isn’t a problem anymore” — I do want to make sure that the anger issues went away because he actively worked on them and not because YOU became more compliant…so please reassure me to that effect.
Yeah, men aren’t very good at this sort of thing. Don’t put the unreasonable burden of being your therapist on his shoulders. Find an actual therapist, instead.
“You’re doing the thing again where you get frustrated so we don’t have to talk about my feelings. I need you to stop that now.”
But leave. For various reasons, not discluding the fact that it sounds like you’re downplaying abuse as “anger issues”, you two are not a good match. He doesn’t make room for you in this relationship. You should not have to beg for space to exist. He is a selfish and unworthy partner. He is having big emotions so the attention can constantly be on him and he doesn’t have to give you any emotional consideration or support. That’s really shitty.
It is not your job to grow him as a person for him. He’s either willing to do the work and will show that by *doing it* (a lot of toxic people are really cognizant of their flaws – admittance is only the first step; they must actually change for it to matter) or he’s not. Nothing you can do to coax him into caring about you.